I know I know, resolutions=SO cheesy!
But these aren't resolutions...they are more so GIT acts! LOL!
I have to write things out...for them to manifest.
Say them aloud to believe their truth...you should try it...it works...tell yourself, "self, you're fabulous," Everyday & I bet come February no one will be able to tell you otherwise! In fact they will be in concurrence!
Get it? Well...Learn it. Love it. Live it!
There are just some things I need to make happen in '08 to assure that I'm on track for '09! Basically I need to do better...so b4 the year arrives...I've composed a little list of things that were important enough to compile themselves in my memory bank & stay put until I could jot them down...
So in '08...
I'm going to love me more!
I'm getting the _ _ _ _ up outta Memphis, permanently!
I will be completely self-sufficient by my birthday!
I will be debt-free! HALLELUJAH!!!
I'm buying a Range Rover.
I'm going to write more!
I'm going to be DRAMA FREE!
I'm going to live for ME!
I'm SO over folk & they bull_ _ _ _, I just can't deal in the '08, no indeed!
I'm going to read more books!
I'm going to travel more.
I'm going to do whatever makes me happy, b/c I can!
I'm going to save my $$$!
I'm going to be sweet to "2nd Chance" b/c he's sweet to me!
I'm going to grow in my relationship w/God!
Those are my plans & I believe them to already be done...I just have to make them manifest or @ least do my part b/c God has definitely done his & I trust Him to continue.
~Amen
Happy New Year folks.
Drink 1; Smoke 1; Pop 1 for me!
~S. Parks
Monday, December 31, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
Love Me, Love Me
I just like all the fuss.
The chase gives me a rush.
I'm not playing games.
I just like it when you say my name!
I swear that really turns me on!
Its the attention I crave.
I feel like a slave.
...b/c I'm an addict.
I just gotta have it.
Its (almost) better than sex.
...but it definitely makes me wet.
My happiness can't be bought.
I smile at the thought.
...but I'm sold to the highest bidder.
You've definitely won my heart.
Lol, all wrapped up in an ice box & bow.
I pretend. I know.
I'm just too self-ish to show.
I know you know I do.
I'm kinda into you too.
You're really all I know...
You're hott but not as haute as me though ;)
~Cookie
The chase gives me a rush.
I'm not playing games.
I just like it when you say my name!
I swear that really turns me on!
Its the attention I crave.
I feel like a slave.
...b/c I'm an addict.
I just gotta have it.
Its (almost) better than sex.
...but it definitely makes me wet.
My happiness can't be bought.
I smile at the thought.
...but I'm sold to the highest bidder.
You've definitely won my heart.
Lol, all wrapped up in an ice box & bow.
I pretend. I know.
I'm just too self-ish to show.
I know you know I do.
I'm kinda into you too.
You're really all I know...
You're hott but not as haute as me though ;)
~Cookie
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Ice Princess
Doesn’t every girl dream of being a "little princess" or @ least treated like one? Of course they do…and I am no exception…in fact in my mind I am a "little princess." So…yeah I’m a princess @ 24…a princess w/an “icebox where my heart used to be.”
Who’s fault is that? Could be the ex’s…could be Jack’s…could be my daddy…could be my own doing. I’m 24 though, so the blame game is a little cheesy!
First step: Recognition.
Second step: Admission.
I Recognize.
I Admit.
I’m an asshole…problem is…I don’t mind being an asshole. I’ve convinced myself that people are fickle. Flaky. They will hurt you @ some point. So I’m over it before it happens. Ironic b/c I’m the person whose always wanting the best for other people i.e. my friends & family…I never seem to hold myself in that same regard. Though my biggest want in life is to be happy. Seems to be that I am sabotaging any opportunities for happiness.
Why? Maybe I think I don’t deserve happiness. Maybe I think it doesn’t really exist. Maybe I don’t even know what it is. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy then returning to unhappiness. All these maybes. I don’t know. I do know that I need to GIT & fast before I definitely miss out on something great or ruin my chances for happiness!
I.E. “2nd Chance”
I’ve basically forced “2nd Chance” to be in an open relationship. He couldn’t understand why. Says he doesn’t want anyone else. He’s with who he wants. “Why would I pursue something so diligently to ultimately be w/someone insignificant or do something stupid to jeopardize my pursuit. Makes no sense.” Yeah he’s right & I knew that before I asked him…”are you still talking/seeing other people?” He was taken aback that I would even ask such things. He quickly realized the question wasn’t really about him it was about me. “I realized I’ve forced you into something that you’ve tried your hardest to run away from, but ultimately you made the decision to be w/me…if it's not what you want say so, don’t bullshit me.” “I want it. I do. Now. I just don’t think I can fully commit to you yet. I’m just not ready (I said that about 10x). I don’t want to lose you but I don’t want to hurt you either. I’m just not ready.” (He sighs) Well I appreciate your honesty, but you have to make a decision. I’ve made mine. This about you not us. You don’t trust me. I don’t know what else to do. There is nothing else for me to do, but what I’m doing. I want you Shanette that’s obvious but I’m not going to force you to be with me. Just say the word & I’m gone.” (Now I’m sighing) “No. I just need time.” Him-“well you have until the end of January. I guess this means we’re in an open relationship but I don’t wanna hear shit about what you do w/whomever. I don’t even wanna think about the shit. So you do whatever you need to do to make sure that doesn’t happen (that’s the least you can do). Come February I don’t wanna hear shit else about this. If you still aren’t ready…I’m done Shanette, seriously…no discussions.”
It sounds as bad as it was. I felt pretty bad but I mean I really want to be honest w/him about where I am & how I’m feeling.
Truth is I don’t even understand what I’m feeling. I’m talking to other guys who are like dogshit compared to “2nd Chance” so it's not really another guy. It's me. I’m the problem.
I’m just not ready…to…be…in love…again. The thought of it makes my head hurt…makes me wanna vomit actually. I’m not a very fearful person but I’m really afraid of that. & I know. I know. Things are headed that way & I’m just not ready.
So I occupy my time w/bullshit to mask the real shit. BUT. Reality is: I’m wasting my time. His time. Everybody’s time. Being a little punk. I don’t want to hurt him. Especially over some whack shit.
I really don’t know what my deal is…I’m such an asshole but to the wrong people…well to everyone but not everyone deserves that!
Some kinda way I’ve started to be nicer to people who don’t deserve & I shit on people who deserve my goodness. Don’t know what that’s about…
Imma do better though b/c I should…for my own sake (& “2nd Chance too).
Sidebar: Is it not weird that he keeps giving me chances??? Does that not some suspect to you??? Like why would he allot me more time to make a decision when his whole reasoning for not talking to me that time was b/c he didn’t have any more time to waste on me? I’m probably over-analyzing as usual. I know. But I just think that’s kinda odd…but maybe that’s just me! I mean I know I’d be like “my nigga please” if he hit me w/that shit! Poor “2nd Chance” I don’t even think he really knows WTH he’s getting himself into!
~Shanette
“Basically I’m complicated. I have a hard time taking the easy way…I wouldn’t call it schizophrenia but I’ll be @ least 2 people today!” Gnarls Barkley
Who’s fault is that? Could be the ex’s…could be Jack’s…could be my daddy…could be my own doing. I’m 24 though, so the blame game is a little cheesy!
First step: Recognition.
Second step: Admission.
I Recognize.
I Admit.
I’m an asshole…problem is…I don’t mind being an asshole. I’ve convinced myself that people are fickle. Flaky. They will hurt you @ some point. So I’m over it before it happens. Ironic b/c I’m the person whose always wanting the best for other people i.e. my friends & family…I never seem to hold myself in that same regard. Though my biggest want in life is to be happy. Seems to be that I am sabotaging any opportunities for happiness.
Why? Maybe I think I don’t deserve happiness. Maybe I think it doesn’t really exist. Maybe I don’t even know what it is. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy then returning to unhappiness. All these maybes. I don’t know. I do know that I need to GIT & fast before I definitely miss out on something great or ruin my chances for happiness!
I.E. “2nd Chance”
I’ve basically forced “2nd Chance” to be in an open relationship. He couldn’t understand why. Says he doesn’t want anyone else. He’s with who he wants. “Why would I pursue something so diligently to ultimately be w/someone insignificant or do something stupid to jeopardize my pursuit. Makes no sense.” Yeah he’s right & I knew that before I asked him…”are you still talking/seeing other people?” He was taken aback that I would even ask such things. He quickly realized the question wasn’t really about him it was about me. “I realized I’ve forced you into something that you’ve tried your hardest to run away from, but ultimately you made the decision to be w/me…if it's not what you want say so, don’t bullshit me.” “I want it. I do. Now. I just don’t think I can fully commit to you yet. I’m just not ready (I said that about 10x). I don’t want to lose you but I don’t want to hurt you either. I’m just not ready.” (He sighs) Well I appreciate your honesty, but you have to make a decision. I’ve made mine. This about you not us. You don’t trust me. I don’t know what else to do. There is nothing else for me to do, but what I’m doing. I want you Shanette that’s obvious but I’m not going to force you to be with me. Just say the word & I’m gone.” (Now I’m sighing) “No. I just need time.” Him-“well you have until the end of January. I guess this means we’re in an open relationship but I don’t wanna hear shit about what you do w/whomever. I don’t even wanna think about the shit. So you do whatever you need to do to make sure that doesn’t happen (that’s the least you can do). Come February I don’t wanna hear shit else about this. If you still aren’t ready…I’m done Shanette, seriously…no discussions.”
It sounds as bad as it was. I felt pretty bad but I mean I really want to be honest w/him about where I am & how I’m feeling.
Truth is I don’t even understand what I’m feeling. I’m talking to other guys who are like dogshit compared to “2nd Chance” so it's not really another guy. It's me. I’m the problem.
I’m just not ready…to…be…in love…again. The thought of it makes my head hurt…makes me wanna vomit actually. I’m not a very fearful person but I’m really afraid of that. & I know. I know. Things are headed that way & I’m just not ready.
So I occupy my time w/bullshit to mask the real shit. BUT. Reality is: I’m wasting my time. His time. Everybody’s time. Being a little punk. I don’t want to hurt him. Especially over some whack shit.
I really don’t know what my deal is…I’m such an asshole but to the wrong people…well to everyone but not everyone deserves that!
Some kinda way I’ve started to be nicer to people who don’t deserve & I shit on people who deserve my goodness. Don’t know what that’s about…
Imma do better though b/c I should…for my own sake (& “2nd Chance too).
Sidebar: Is it not weird that he keeps giving me chances??? Does that not some suspect to you??? Like why would he allot me more time to make a decision when his whole reasoning for not talking to me that time was b/c he didn’t have any more time to waste on me? I’m probably over-analyzing as usual. I know. But I just think that’s kinda odd…but maybe that’s just me! I mean I know I’d be like “my nigga please” if he hit me w/that shit! Poor “2nd Chance” I don’t even think he really knows WTH he’s getting himself into!
~Shanette
“Basically I’m complicated. I have a hard time taking the easy way…I wouldn’t call it schizophrenia but I’ll be @ least 2 people today!” Gnarls Barkley
Thursday, November 29, 2007
I've sucCUMb...
...to the pressures that be.
Damn me.
I'm just so over the conversation.
TO be or not to be.
He says I'd never come around.
He says I'd never just say..."hey, today. Today's the day. I want to be..."
So I needed the pressure?
Maybe.
Yeah. No. I would not have ever said such.
So I guess...he's right...I think...
Either way here I am...here we are.
Being...together.
Guess we'll see what happens.
Until the happenings...do whatever...makes you happy...unless of course the pressures...make you better.
~Shanette
Damn me.
I'm just so over the conversation.
TO be or not to be.
He says I'd never come around.
He says I'd never just say..."hey, today. Today's the day. I want to be..."
So I needed the pressure?
Maybe.
Yeah. No. I would not have ever said such.
So I guess...he's right...I think...
Either way here I am...here we are.
Being...together.
Guess we'll see what happens.
Until the happenings...do whatever...makes you happy...unless of course the pressures...make you better.
~Shanette
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
All I Want 4 Christmas...
Includes but not limited to the following:
1. These boots from 9West.
2. A leather jacket...that looks like this (which might be quite a task b/c this 1 is insanely haute!)...OR. You could just buy this 1...Mike & Chris $902 USD...I know I know...but its so fucking fly man!!!
3. Sex & the City complete collection.
4. 2 pairs of jeans...True Religions; R&Rs; and/or Acne Jeans (just send me the doe & I will choose the jeans....so no pics needed)
5. The new iPodtouch.
Stuff I just kinda need...
Some black & brown slacks...not like black and brown like a pair of black...a pair of brown. A black blazer. I don't particularly want a suit but hey feel free... Some black pumps...would prefer a chunky heel. Some cutesy pjs (V. Secrets having a sale). Some undies. A range rover. A condo (furnished). A flash drive. A printer. A black hoodie. Another coat w/a hood. Some blouses (black, another color). A black dress. A Starbucks gift card. An ankle boot. A day @ the spa. Think that about does it...for now.
***If you wanna get me something...it will be appreciated but if you get me one of those things up there...oohwee I gots a special lil 'thank you' for ya!***
1. These boots from 9West.
2. A leather jacket...that looks like this (which might be quite a task b/c this 1 is insanely haute!)...OR. You could just buy this 1...Mike & Chris $902 USD...I know I know...but its so fucking fly man!!!
3. Sex & the City complete collection.
4. 2 pairs of jeans...True Religions; R&Rs; and/or Acne Jeans (just send me the doe & I will choose the jeans....so no pics needed)
5. The new iPodtouch.
Stuff I just kinda need...
Some black & brown slacks...not like black and brown like a pair of black...a pair of brown. A black blazer. I don't particularly want a suit but hey feel free... Some black pumps...would prefer a chunky heel. Some cutesy pjs (V. Secrets having a sale). Some undies. A range rover. A condo (furnished). A flash drive. A printer. A black hoodie. Another coat w/a hood. Some blouses (black, another color). A black dress. A Starbucks gift card. An ankle boot. A day @ the spa. Think that about does it...for now.
***If you wanna get me something...it will be appreciated but if you get me one of those things up there...oohwee I gots a special lil 'thank you' for ya!***
Monday, November 26, 2007
AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
Oh the Holidays...they bring such a roller coaster of emotions & frankly I wanna get OFF! This is NOT what's hott off in these streets man. I just can't deal! I mean realized the other day...that "2nd chance" & I have cancelled out all the goodness we experienced initially b/c we've been so DOWN for like the past 2 months or so! Its amazing how if I go back & read the blog from several months ago hell it'll seem like I'm talkin about a totally diff guy! I mean in essence he is still the same...but somewhere along the way we experience a bump and now the traction is all OFF! I'm really tryna hang on man...but uh...I'm getting frustrated...w/myself...& that is UNACCEPTABLE!
So...here's the lastest...I texted him pre-STL...wait! You don't know what happened b4 that huh? Damn! I sho don't feel like telling you either! BASICALLY...we talked right b4 my b-day & the conversation was like so crazy to me. We discussed why I didn't want to be in a relationship (seriously b/c I don't wanna!) in depth ( he thinks its solely b/c the sex is bad...well...that's a BIG factor) & he talked about how he has issues w/me having sex w/other people (I don't...anymore...nt b/c of him...just cus). I was like "HUH?!" He was like yeah, so "that makes things awkward for me when we're together...in the sexual capacity." Is that not crazy??? I'm like "you have sex w/other girls right"...he's like "yeah"...I'm like "OHHHHHHKAY! WTH?!" He's like "they don't matter...you do." I'm like "my nigga please...you sounding extra crazy...absurd even." He's like "I just feel like you're the aggressor in that area, which is unusual. Is it not? (literally pauses, as if I was supposed to answer) SO, I feel pressured (he stole my phrase...such the thief!) to be...before we even knew each other well enough" I'm like man, "whatever..." Sounds like excuses & straight bullshit to me! So that was that...we didn't talk anymore until my b-day...he texted me some whack ass text..."Happy Birthday, Cookie. I want you...still." Me-->Blah. No reply. So anywhoo...since then we haven't chatted that much until...I texted him pre-Thanksgiving & I asked what he was doing for the holiday he replied "Jersey" I no replied...I mean what was the point...that was all I needed to know. You can't do shit for me in Jersey!
Now here's where the drama unfolds...I go out & guess who I see...yeah you guessed it...I see him! >:-O <--that's me shocked, appalled & PISSED! I made my presence known...he was surprised to see me...he tried to come over...I gave the COLDEST shoulder ever in life (as Bets would say cue the Rick James "She was cold as ice!")...lol...he was like "Uh. Okay. What's your problem?" I'm such a little girl...sometimes & I'm extra stubborn...I didn't say 1 word. I swear you would've thought he was talking to the air b/c he got no eye contact, no movement, no sound...nothing! He walked away. Texted me..."you are such a fucking jerk & I strongly dislike you when you do stupid ass shit like that. & If you disrespect me like that again...we will have a problem." Me-->Blah. No reply. Next day...I see him out during the day (what are the odds?!)...I skidaddle b4 making eye contact...or so I thought...he texted me...Iunno what it said...I no reply again...yes I'm an asshole & I don't mind. Anywhoo...next night...Out again...this time in a state of inebrieation (NOT good)...I approach this time leanin & shit...fly no less. My nigga was like "Get outta my face Shanette!" So here's a secret about me: I'm SUPER sensitive...always been that way so my feelings are hurt rather easily...though I rarely show it...when I'm in my right mind...well on Henn & shit...I was NOT in my right mind! I kinda clicked out. Oh lawd. Now we have a scene goings on here...not really but in his mind it was a scene (besides I'm not a scene making type girl...Imma drama queen but I'm NO fool!). His friends were like "bruh take her home." Lol! I was like "naw I'm good, I'm leaving how I came." So I went back to my respective area and he texted a few minutes l8r like "let me take you home & make you feel better!" Me-->Hmmmm, wonder what that means...I'm intrigued! So...yeah basically we left together.
Now here comes the SHOCKER...I know you not ready but ack like you are...the sex...was freaking AWESOME!!! OMGosh! I just kept thinking (lol) "is this 4real or am I dreaming?! No wait! Who are you?!" Woolawdie it was "WOW!" Man I was just so thoroughly amazed! I was SUPER excited! Then I was like..."Wait, no. Don't get excited! What if this is like a 1 time thing...like why all of a sudden is it just SO spectacular!?!" (Yeah I think too much...can't help it!) So I'm kinda figuring it was a combination of him being intoxicated & us fighting. All this fighting may have acted as an aphrodisiac.
What you think???
So here's the good. The bad. & the ugly.
Good: I know he can fuck (sorry to be so crass...but that's what I was thinking).
Bad: I don't know why after all this time and the undeniably BAD sex episodes, what made the sex GREAT...hence I can't repeat...meaning I don't know what ingredients are need to make certain that happens EVERY time!
Ugly: The sex was good enough to make me crazy. Like be one of those "dick will make you slap somebody" chick(courtesy of Lexy Tylor...she's the crazy truff...gotta love her!) all obsessed w/their bf (yeah I said "bf"...SO!). & yes that's ugly...b/c I aint NEVER EVER been that chick & don't NEVER wanna be THAT chick...so thought of it makes me nervous!
Its the combination of things...His extra fly look+His charming personality+His BIG ass bank account+His turning out to be 'bomb ass' dick=So Gone, like Monica! YIKERS!!! SCARY!!!
Me no no what to do now!
I'm afraid...very afraid!
Umph. We'll see what happens.
Oh oh oh...here's a 4 sure sign I'm trippin...after he took me back to my destination...I texted him like 5 minutes l8r to tell him how much I thoroughly enjoyed myself...I have NEVER in all my life done such a thing! If you know me or know the blog you know that I don't usually talk to a person after I have sex w/them for @ least 12-48 hrs...its just something I do...not purposely or anything. I just don't be wanting to talk...whether it was good or bad...doesn't matter...just some weird shit I do! (I'm not weird...just misunderstood!)
So yeah man...Iunno. Iun jus no.
I do know I'm impressed...NOT @ all an easy task. NOT @ ALL!!!
Got me daydreaming & shit...lol...I'm embarrassed.
I won't even tell my friends what has happened yet...scared I might slip up & say some crazy shit...like I'm doing right now...okay yeah I'm out...
L8R homes!
~Sdotter
So...here's the lastest...I texted him pre-STL...wait! You don't know what happened b4 that huh? Damn! I sho don't feel like telling you either! BASICALLY...we talked right b4 my b-day & the conversation was like so crazy to me. We discussed why I didn't want to be in a relationship (seriously b/c I don't wanna!) in depth ( he thinks its solely b/c the sex is bad...well...that's a BIG factor) & he talked about how he has issues w/me having sex w/other people (I don't...anymore...nt b/c of him...just cus). I was like "HUH?!" He was like yeah, so "that makes things awkward for me when we're together...in the sexual capacity." Is that not crazy??? I'm like "you have sex w/other girls right"...he's like "yeah"...I'm like "OHHHHHHKAY! WTH?!" He's like "they don't matter...you do." I'm like "my nigga please...you sounding extra crazy...absurd even." He's like "I just feel like you're the aggressor in that area, which is unusual. Is it not? (literally pauses, as if I was supposed to answer) SO, I feel pressured (he stole my phrase...such the thief!) to be...before we even knew each other well enough" I'm like man, "whatever..." Sounds like excuses & straight bullshit to me! So that was that...we didn't talk anymore until my b-day...he texted me some whack ass text..."Happy Birthday, Cookie. I want you...still." Me-->Blah. No reply. So anywhoo...since then we haven't chatted that much until...I texted him pre-Thanksgiving & I asked what he was doing for the holiday he replied "Jersey" I no replied...I mean what was the point...that was all I needed to know. You can't do shit for me in Jersey!
Now here's where the drama unfolds...I go out & guess who I see...yeah you guessed it...I see him! >:-O <--that's me shocked, appalled & PISSED! I made my presence known...he was surprised to see me...he tried to come over...I gave the COLDEST shoulder ever in life (as Bets would say cue the Rick James "She was cold as ice!")...lol...he was like "Uh. Okay. What's your problem?" I'm such a little girl...sometimes & I'm extra stubborn...I didn't say 1 word. I swear you would've thought he was talking to the air b/c he got no eye contact, no movement, no sound...nothing! He walked away. Texted me..."you are such a fucking jerk & I strongly dislike you when you do stupid ass shit like that. & If you disrespect me like that again...we will have a problem." Me-->Blah. No reply. Next day...I see him out during the day (what are the odds?!)...I skidaddle b4 making eye contact...or so I thought...he texted me...Iunno what it said...I no reply again...yes I'm an asshole & I don't mind. Anywhoo...next night...Out again...this time in a state of inebrieation (NOT good)...I approach this time leanin & shit...fly no less. My nigga was like "Get outta my face Shanette!" So here's a secret about me: I'm SUPER sensitive...always been that way so my feelings are hurt rather easily...though I rarely show it...when I'm in my right mind...well on Henn & shit...I was NOT in my right mind! I kinda clicked out. Oh lawd. Now we have a scene goings on here...not really but in his mind it was a scene (besides I'm not a scene making type girl...Imma drama queen but I'm NO fool!). His friends were like "bruh take her home." Lol! I was like "naw I'm good, I'm leaving how I came." So I went back to my respective area and he texted a few minutes l8r like "let me take you home & make you feel better!" Me-->Hmmmm, wonder what that means...I'm intrigued! So...yeah basically we left together.
Now here comes the SHOCKER...I know you not ready but ack like you are...the sex...was freaking AWESOME!!! OMGosh! I just kept thinking (lol) "is this 4real or am I dreaming?! No wait! Who are you?!" Woolawdie it was "WOW!" Man I was just so thoroughly amazed! I was SUPER excited! Then I was like..."Wait, no. Don't get excited! What if this is like a 1 time thing...like why all of a sudden is it just SO spectacular!?!" (Yeah I think too much...can't help it!) So I'm kinda figuring it was a combination of him being intoxicated & us fighting. All this fighting may have acted as an aphrodisiac.
What you think???
So here's the good. The bad. & the ugly.
Good: I know he can fuck (sorry to be so crass...but that's what I was thinking).
Bad: I don't know why after all this time and the undeniably BAD sex episodes, what made the sex GREAT...hence I can't repeat...meaning I don't know what ingredients are need to make certain that happens EVERY time!
Ugly: The sex was good enough to make me crazy. Like be one of those "dick will make you slap somebody" chick(courtesy of Lexy Tylor...she's the crazy truff...gotta love her!) all obsessed w/their bf (yeah I said "bf"...SO!). & yes that's ugly...b/c I aint NEVER EVER been that chick & don't NEVER wanna be THAT chick...so thought of it makes me nervous!
Its the combination of things...His extra fly look+His charming personality+His BIG ass bank account+His turning out to be 'bomb ass' dick=So Gone, like Monica! YIKERS!!! SCARY!!!
Me no no what to do now!
I'm afraid...very afraid!
Umph. We'll see what happens.
Oh oh oh...here's a 4 sure sign I'm trippin...after he took me back to my destination...I texted him like 5 minutes l8r to tell him how much I thoroughly enjoyed myself...I have NEVER in all my life done such a thing! If you know me or know the blog you know that I don't usually talk to a person after I have sex w/them for @ least 12-48 hrs...its just something I do...not purposely or anything. I just don't be wanting to talk...whether it was good or bad...doesn't matter...just some weird shit I do! (I'm not weird...just misunderstood!)
So yeah man...Iunno. Iun jus no.
I do know I'm impressed...NOT @ all an easy task. NOT @ ALL!!!
Got me daydreaming & shit...lol...I'm embarrassed.
I won't even tell my friends what has happened yet...scared I might slip up & say some crazy shit...like I'm doing right now...okay yeah I'm out...
L8R homes!
~Sdotter
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I've GOT IT!
I figured it out...well not really figured it out...I just found a comparison to my sexual experience w/ "2nd Chance"...the episodes of SATC when Carrie is dating Berger. They are like SO in sync...until...they have SEX...& it sux!!! Well that is us!!!
I was tryna find a youtube vid of Carrie & Berger but I can't seem to find it so...just watch an episode...btw I'm still waiting on that SATC collection...Christmas is coming up!!!
I don't know what to say or do about "2nd chance" anymore...this is getting bananas. We are getting worse by the encounter. *sighs* I'll try again...since it seems to be that I'm an asshole yet again.
Blah!
~S. Parks
I was tryna find a youtube vid of Carrie & Berger but I can't seem to find it so...just watch an episode...btw I'm still waiting on that SATC collection...Christmas is coming up!!!
I don't know what to say or do about "2nd chance" anymore...this is getting bananas. We are getting worse by the encounter. *sighs* I'll try again...since it seems to be that I'm an asshole yet again.
Blah!
~S. Parks
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Listen UP-the loveH8r edition!
I'm just going to be honest, b/c that's the point of this whole thing, right? Right.
So...here goes....I miss him. I miss "2nd chance"! There I said it!
I'm saddened things turned out this way.
So NOT what I was expecting. Not really sure what I was expecting but this def was NOT it!
Sux. SUX! So bad!
I NEVER like anyone man (meaning I rarely find people I'm into=SUPER picky!)...so its not fair. Its not fair @ all! Fucked up thing is, I still don't fully understand what the dilemma is...oh wait that's right...I have sex w/other people, HUMPH! Dumbest shit you ever heard? Yeah me too! Now that pisses me off SO bad! I can't even delve into it right now...or @ all...ever...b/c I don't feel like it! I don't want to. It was the weirdest conversation I've ever had w/a guy & I think I just blocked the whole thing out.
Just know it sux & we are over (b4 we even began) for an ign'ant ass reason.
...as much as I like him...I'm not even sure where we could go after this...every thing's so...so...tainted.
I really think I'm obsessing over the fact that virtually he is the one who ended the situation. & So abruptly. Its like I had no warning. No prep time. No reconcile period. Just BOOM! "That's it. We're wrapped...indefinitely." That lack of control is making me really disgusted. I'm feeling something I can't describe. Some kind of anxiety when I think of him and the thoughts are becoming increasingly frequent. Forcing themselves into my mind. Reigniting old feelings. Recollecting memories. Ponder the 'what ifs'.
WTH?! WTH is this?! Idunno & I don't like it! So STOP IT...NOW!
Anyways...listening to Bilal...this song came on & I was like "DAMN!" How Bilal know just what to say?! b/c this song describes exactly how I am feeling/felt about a "relationship" w/"2nd chance"...nothing personal just life...my life.
Maybe that's the problem...I'm too self absorbed???
Ponder on that...while...yeah...here's the song.
Bilal
1st Born Second
Love Poems
Yo, I've been meaning to tell you something.
I guess, I was just waiting for the right time.
So, why don't you sit down.
As we step from across the room.
Starting to ponder what we've been going through.
What does my kiss mean to you?
Are we just friends?
Or is this more to you?
But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
Yes, that unexpected kiss.
The whole feeling that brought me to you.
Meanwhile my feelings grow.
Grow, feelings grow, grow.
But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
That unexpected kiss. The whole feeling that brought me to you, yes.
Why rush? Why chose? Why risk this thing?
And ruin me & you.
I want the lover & keep the friend.
I want to be near you & not pretend.
But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
That unexpected kiss.
The feeling that brought me to you.
The whole thing's got me searching.
I find myself searching for love poems.
Don't know your soul, yet your presence on my brain.
Causes my pen to go insane and...I wrote these poems.
Your sight is few & far between.
Bringing my soul alive.
I find myself probing for love makers, love songs.
The love of the universe and my soul...
DAMN! What's up with my soul?!
Empty like theaters after encores.
Lonely like single mothers on the stew.
I am lonely and I find myself searching for love poems...
GROW....GROW....GROW.
I like you and all. I do.
But you see I...I can't be held down.
I need to live my life.
Too young. Too young. Got to be young.
Woah! Won't my feelings remain the same?
We could be friends, and do our thing.
Oh, can't you hear me out, yeah.
Explaining this whole thing.
Believe me...that if we label this just picture what we might lose.
That unexpected kiss that brought me to you.
But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
BTW-WTF is Bilal?! Come on man its been 6 damn years!!!
Aight...That's enuff of that shit!
I'm outtie.
Niterz!
~Sdotter
So...here goes....I miss him. I miss "2nd chance"! There I said it!
I'm saddened things turned out this way.
So NOT what I was expecting. Not really sure what I was expecting but this def was NOT it!
Sux. SUX! So bad!
I NEVER like anyone man (meaning I rarely find people I'm into=SUPER picky!)...so its not fair. Its not fair @ all! Fucked up thing is, I still don't fully understand what the dilemma is...oh wait that's right...I have sex w/other people, HUMPH! Dumbest shit you ever heard? Yeah me too! Now that pisses me off SO bad! I can't even delve into it right now...or @ all...ever...b/c I don't feel like it! I don't want to. It was the weirdest conversation I've ever had w/a guy & I think I just blocked the whole thing out.
Just know it sux & we are over (b4 we even began) for an ign'ant ass reason.
...as much as I like him...I'm not even sure where we could go after this...every thing's so...so...tainted.
I really think I'm obsessing over the fact that virtually he is the one who ended the situation. & So abruptly. Its like I had no warning. No prep time. No reconcile period. Just BOOM! "That's it. We're wrapped...indefinitely." That lack of control is making me really disgusted. I'm feeling something I can't describe. Some kind of anxiety when I think of him and the thoughts are becoming increasingly frequent. Forcing themselves into my mind. Reigniting old feelings. Recollecting memories. Ponder the 'what ifs'.
WTH?! WTH is this?! Idunno & I don't like it! So STOP IT...NOW!
Anyways...listening to Bilal...this song came on & I was like "DAMN!" How Bilal know just what to say?! b/c this song describes exactly how I am feeling/felt about a "relationship" w/"2nd chance"...nothing personal just life...my life.
Maybe that's the problem...I'm too self absorbed???
Ponder on that...while...yeah...here's the song.
Bilal
1st Born Second
Love Poems
Yo, I've been meaning to tell you something.
I guess, I was just waiting for the right time.
So, why don't you sit down.
As we step from across the room.
Starting to ponder what we've been going through.
What does my kiss mean to you?
Are we just friends?
Or is this more to you?
But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
Yes, that unexpected kiss.
The whole feeling that brought me to you.
Meanwhile my feelings grow.
Grow, feelings grow, grow.
But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
That unexpected kiss. The whole feeling that brought me to you, yes.
Why rush? Why chose? Why risk this thing?
And ruin me & you.
I want the lover & keep the friend.
I want to be near you & not pretend.
But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
That unexpected kiss.
The feeling that brought me to you.
The whole thing's got me searching.
I find myself searching for love poems.
Don't know your soul, yet your presence on my brain.
Causes my pen to go insane and...I wrote these poems.
Your sight is few & far between.
Bringing my soul alive.
I find myself probing for love makers, love songs.
The love of the universe and my soul...
DAMN! What's up with my soul?!
Empty like theaters after encores.
Lonely like single mothers on the stew.
I am lonely and I find myself searching for love poems...
GROW....GROW....GROW.
I like you and all. I do.
But you see I...I can't be held down.
I need to live my life.
Too young. Too young. Got to be young.
Woah! Won't my feelings remain the same?
We could be friends, and do our thing.
Oh, can't you hear me out, yeah.
Explaining this whole thing.
Believe me...that if we label this just picture what we might lose.
That unexpected kiss that brought me to you.
But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
BTW-WTF is Bilal?! Come on man its been 6 damn years!!!
Aight...That's enuff of that shit!
I'm outtie.
Niterz!
~Sdotter
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
I'm a BOY DAMON!
HaHA! ChuckleChuckle!
Though this post has nothing to do w/Money Mike & Friday After Next.
Actually from Oprah, again.
Some doctor & his theory. On love & people's types.
Yep. Another quiz.
Yep. I took it.
Nope. I wasn't surprised. I guess.
You can read it for yourself and take the quiz...but basically I'm a "Director/Builder" (how he came up w/these names me no no).
http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/11/12/o.love.types/index.html
Director-Specific activities in the testost... system are what distinguishes this type. (Go figure!) Then they try to make it better by saying this doesn't only apply to boys...girls can be this way too (ummmhumph). So anyways. I'm a decisive, tuff lil doggie (seriously). I am logical, detail-oriented, & bold in thinking. I don't hardly care about making new friends as opposed to doing a note-worthy job (very true). When preoccupied w/work or or personal goals I can appear aloof, cold & distant. My confidence can be mistaken for arrogance. My exactitude seems uncompromising. My forthrightedness seems rude. However w/my loyalty, dedication & eagerness to share ideas, I make a very GREAT friend (totally agree). I am also very protective of those I love (indeed). Now the Builder, is my secondary trait. Which is kinda off yet on. Calm-yes. People oriented-not so much. Social situations fun? Maybe. Like to network? Not so much, but will do it for the dough! Devouted-yes. Loyal-yes. Cautious but not fearful-very good. Not impulsive...w/money? Wrong! Actions? Usually. Feelings? DEFINITELY! Traditonal & moral-I'll buy that. Can sometimes be stoic, rigid & concrete...yep, yep & yep.
So basically...I'm an asshole who's a boy trapped inside of a girl. I don't give a damn bout folk Iunno. I love those I do. I'm narrow-minded. I have to be on top. I'm not easly excited. I'm not easily confused. I don't care if I hurt your feelings. I'm methodical & precise. Yet I'm loyal & devouted like a lil doggie!
Dang! I kinda sux! HAHA! Yeah right!
Hey, everything I'm NOT made me EVERYTHING I AM!
...HARDER, BETTER, FASTER & STRONGER!
Anyways...said ALL that to say...that's why "2nd chance" and I would have never worked. I'm not his kind of girl: Real sweet and timid. Nice and fun. Impressionable yet smart. That just aint me. Never was never will be. I mean hey, I don't mind. See...I'm only loyal to fam & friends. Niggas come & go. Like seriously, I don't love them hoes. They prolly gonna fuck up anyways...so I just be like whatevs. If that makes me "Anti-Cupid"? So be it. I'll be dat, like Redman! I don't mind @ all. There will be 3000 more "2nd chances" only they won't get a 2nd chance! No more 2nd chances from me buddy, either get wit or get lost!
Clearly "2nd chance" & I are SO OVER! I would tell you what happened but its SO ridiculous I won't even waste my time (I'm so lazy sometimes)...but yeah its been real & I had fun but that chapter is what? DONE! HOLLA!
& on that note I'm what? BLOWING! THIS BEEYOTCH!
L8R!
~Sdot
Though this post has nothing to do w/Money Mike & Friday After Next.
Actually from Oprah, again.
Some doctor & his theory. On love & people's types.
Yep. Another quiz.
Yep. I took it.
Nope. I wasn't surprised. I guess.
You can read it for yourself and take the quiz...but basically I'm a "Director/Builder" (how he came up w/these names me no no).
http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/11/12/o.love.types/index.html
Director-Specific activities in the testost... system are what distinguishes this type. (Go figure!) Then they try to make it better by saying this doesn't only apply to boys...girls can be this way too (ummmhumph). So anyways. I'm a decisive, tuff lil doggie (seriously). I am logical, detail-oriented, & bold in thinking. I don't hardly care about making new friends as opposed to doing a note-worthy job (very true). When preoccupied w/work or or personal goals I can appear aloof, cold & distant. My confidence can be mistaken for arrogance. My exactitude seems uncompromising. My forthrightedness seems rude. However w/my loyalty, dedication & eagerness to share ideas, I make a very GREAT friend (totally agree). I am also very protective of those I love (indeed). Now the Builder, is my secondary trait. Which is kinda off yet on. Calm-yes. People oriented-not so much. Social situations fun? Maybe. Like to network? Not so much, but will do it for the dough! Devouted-yes. Loyal-yes. Cautious but not fearful-very good. Not impulsive...w/money? Wrong! Actions? Usually. Feelings? DEFINITELY! Traditonal & moral-I'll buy that. Can sometimes be stoic, rigid & concrete...yep, yep & yep.
So basically...I'm an asshole who's a boy trapped inside of a girl. I don't give a damn bout folk Iunno. I love those I do. I'm narrow-minded. I have to be on top. I'm not easly excited. I'm not easily confused. I don't care if I hurt your feelings. I'm methodical & precise. Yet I'm loyal & devouted like a lil doggie!
Dang! I kinda sux! HAHA! Yeah right!
Hey, everything I'm NOT made me EVERYTHING I AM!
...HARDER, BETTER, FASTER & STRONGER!
Anyways...said ALL that to say...that's why "2nd chance" and I would have never worked. I'm not his kind of girl: Real sweet and timid. Nice and fun. Impressionable yet smart. That just aint me. Never was never will be. I mean hey, I don't mind. See...I'm only loyal to fam & friends. Niggas come & go. Like seriously, I don't love them hoes. They prolly gonna fuck up anyways...so I just be like whatevs. If that makes me "Anti-Cupid"? So be it. I'll be dat, like Redman! I don't mind @ all. There will be 3000 more "2nd chances" only they won't get a 2nd chance! No more 2nd chances from me buddy, either get wit or get lost!
Clearly "2nd chance" & I are SO OVER! I would tell you what happened but its SO ridiculous I won't even waste my time (I'm so lazy sometimes)...but yeah its been real & I had fun but that chapter is what? DONE! HOLLA!
& on that note I'm what? BLOWING! THIS BEEYOTCH!
L8R!
~Sdot
Friday, November 2, 2007
DeuxDeux+Deux
Sawry for the delay guys.
Its been a crazy last few weeks.
My birthday came quicker than I was expecting...which btw makes me nervous. Life is moving SO fast. I don't even think I wanna be 24 anymore. I was excited @ first but now...not so much. I feel the pressure to be...BE (like Common) better & together...and I have less than a year to get all that done...but I can & will get it done!
Maybe this is a good thing though...I need to push myself...like REALLY.
All the way out there. Handle my bizness. Get my shit together. Stop holding others accountable for my actions. Be responsible. Stop the complaints. Make good decisions. Take charge. Do me! Make ME happy. I'm very fortunate to have seen 24 years in ALl its ups & downs...I wouldn't change anything about it...why? b/c
everything I'm not...made me everything I am.
So what's the plan of action...stop talking and do. Stop trying and do. Stop being scared and just go for it.
DREAM...dream BIG! I saw Diddy tonight on The Big Idea & he said something really great..."close your eyes & dream. Open them & see." Basically close your eyes & visualize yourself doing whatever it is you would like to do...whoever it is you would like to be...having whatever it is you would like to have. Then open them & see what it takes to do. To be. To have. Our destiny is in our hands. I'm learning that.
For every action there is a reaction. So act accordingly.
I just said something real. Go back. Re-read. Ponder.
This is the epitome of what I'm saying..."You can still be who you wish you is. It ain't happened yet & that's what intuition is." ~Ye the Great!
So going to Houston. Ignited something in me. I was overtaken by the enormity. The vast opportunities. I'm like you people don't know how good you have it. This is a GREAT city. The possibilities are endless. I loved it. I had a great time. Now I'm in New Orleans...back to semi-reality...soon I'll be back in Memphis....REAL reality...blah...but I won't allow that to discourage me. I am taking control of the situation.
I VOW to no longer be residing in Memphis prior to my 25th birthday. Happy. Progressing. Living.
I am certain that all this shall come to pass simply b/c...God said so & what he says definitely GOES!
The end!
Here's some footage from my FANTABULOUS birthday...I made a speech but I can't fig out how to get it onto Top so...enjoy the pics...
Celebrating early in Memphis w/the fam.
Time 2 SHOP!!! YAY!
I SO ♥ this chair man!
I'm SO grown UP w/my Henny & cigar!
I'm SO haute, haUTE, HAUTE!!!
So anyways...I had an AWESOME birthday!
Thanks 2 everyone who made it as FAB as I am!
& On that not....I'm blowing...
Remember..."Trying=Failing w/honor" ~James Arthur Ray.
So don't try...DO!
Peace Out Little Grasshoppers!
~Shanette
Its been a crazy last few weeks.
My birthday came quicker than I was expecting...which btw makes me nervous. Life is moving SO fast. I don't even think I wanna be 24 anymore. I was excited @ first but now...not so much. I feel the pressure to be...BE (like Common) better & together...and I have less than a year to get all that done...but I can & will get it done!
Maybe this is a good thing though...I need to push myself...like REALLY.
All the way out there. Handle my bizness. Get my shit together. Stop holding others accountable for my actions. Be responsible. Stop the complaints. Make good decisions. Take charge. Do me! Make ME happy. I'm very fortunate to have seen 24 years in ALl its ups & downs...I wouldn't change anything about it...why? b/c
everything I'm not...made me everything I am.
So what's the plan of action...stop talking and do. Stop trying and do. Stop being scared and just go for it.
DREAM...dream BIG! I saw Diddy tonight on The Big Idea & he said something really great..."close your eyes & dream. Open them & see." Basically close your eyes & visualize yourself doing whatever it is you would like to do...whoever it is you would like to be...having whatever it is you would like to have. Then open them & see what it takes to do. To be. To have. Our destiny is in our hands. I'm learning that.
For every action there is a reaction. So act accordingly.
I just said something real. Go back. Re-read. Ponder.
This is the epitome of what I'm saying..."You can still be who you wish you is. It ain't happened yet & that's what intuition is." ~Ye the Great!
So going to Houston. Ignited something in me. I was overtaken by the enormity. The vast opportunities. I'm like you people don't know how good you have it. This is a GREAT city. The possibilities are endless. I loved it. I had a great time. Now I'm in New Orleans...back to semi-reality...soon I'll be back in Memphis....REAL reality...blah...but I won't allow that to discourage me. I am taking control of the situation.
I VOW to no longer be residing in Memphis prior to my 25th birthday. Happy. Progressing. Living.
I am certain that all this shall come to pass simply b/c...God said so & what he says definitely GOES!
The end!
Here's some footage from my FANTABULOUS birthday...I made a speech but I can't fig out how to get it onto Top so...enjoy the pics...
Celebrating early in Memphis w/the fam.
Time 2 SHOP!!! YAY!
I SO ♥ this chair man!
I'm SO grown UP w/my Henny & cigar!
I'm SO haute, haUTE, HAUTE!!!
So anyways...I had an AWESOME birthday! Thanks 2 everyone who made it as FAB as I am!
& On that not....I'm blowing...
Remember..."Trying=Failing w/honor" ~James Arthur Ray.
So don't try...DO!
Peace Out Little Grasshoppers!
~Shanette
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Key2Life: Exercise Meditation Sex
According to Oprah's guest Dr. Northrup, on Tuesday's show (not that I watch...but my sister does)...3 great ways for women to get healthy doses of pleasure:
Exercise
Meditation
Sex
"Those things increase beta-endorphin in the brain," Dr. Northrup says. "It's the natural morphine-like substance and you absolutely need it for mood modulation. And if you don't get it naturally through meditation, exercise or sex, you will get it abnormally through drugs and alcohol and sugar. You're going to go for pleasure because your body needs to have pleasure. You need it. But I'd much rather have you get it deliberately in healthy doses."
The show was actually geared towards menopausal women but I realized the things being discussed were vital for women @ any age. Healthy lifestyles. Putting yourself 1st. Acknowledging that you are in fact a person w/feelings not a machine or a robot who cooks, cleans, wifes, mothers, etc...
A lack of focus on yourself can really be detrimental to one's health. Not just women but men as well. Though I focus on women, b/c I am one & b/c women tend to be the more self-less sex. Its just in our nature. We are natural givers...until we've given all we have & there's nothing left. Mind you life is going on. Everyone around you has moved on & in retrospect you're all used up...w/no one to blame but YOU!
I have always been a HUGE giver. BUT. In recent (last 2) years I've been focusing more so on myself. What I like to do. Who I am. Who I want to be. Not (trying @ least) allowing others to interfere w/my happiness. Though people do try whether consciously or sub-consciously...the devil is ALWAYS busy!!!
Anyways, I've been having a ruff past few months w/family, boys & life in general. Wait no. Let me rewind. I no longer allow boys to wreck any flow I have. Why? b/c they just are NOT worth...too many out here & they all dawgs...so I say "fuck it...Imma dawg too! We all dawgs! ROO!!!" Fast Forward. So I've just realized I've once again allowed other people's lives to consume me. Something I vowed I would never do. In 2005, I had a ridiculously "trying" year. Break-ups, Hurricanes, Losses all around. Taught me a lot about relationships, trust, & most importantly ME! In 2006, I made a vow to myself to live for ME...b/c if I don't who will? NO ONE! No one can love me more than ME! (well aside from Jesus)
So as I watched this show. I realized I've gotten away from that. The promise I made w/myself. I know times get tuff & that's okay. I'm fine w/that. However, I'm NOT fine w/self-neglect to the point of breakdown. Though its for a good cause. I'm closely involved w/those I love. I go above & beyond the average person. I actually pride myself on my ability to do so...but there has to be a BALANCE. Key word that most people forget. I'm not a good balancer by far. I spend too much. Save too little. I think too much. Act too little. I give too much. Receive too little. I work too much. Paid too little. There has to be a balance. There will be struggle & pain, but w/confidence you have won even before you have started.
Hence I must get back to the small things that make me happy...just so happens to be exercise, meditation (yoga) & SEX (WOOHOO my fave-YES)! Other stuff too...Starbucks, trips, "new stuff"...otherwise I'm on the brink of losing my mind!!! And we can't have that now can we...esp in October...my birthday month...no indeed!!! ;)
So remember you are the creator of your own destiny...God created us in His image. Hence we already Great we just have to recognize the greatness & maximize its potential. He wants us to be happy so why do we settle for less than??? Well y'all, cus uh...I'm NOT! I don't settle. I don't deal. I do. I make. I am.
"I'm free! Look @ ME! Freedom in high fidelity! FREE!" ~Gnarls Barkley
And on that not my free & happy (& horny) ass is hungry...so I'm blowing!
HOLLA scholars!
~Sdotter
Exercise
Meditation
Sex
"Those things increase beta-endorphin in the brain," Dr. Northrup says. "It's the natural morphine-like substance and you absolutely need it for mood modulation. And if you don't get it naturally through meditation, exercise or sex, you will get it abnormally through drugs and alcohol and sugar. You're going to go for pleasure because your body needs to have pleasure. You need it. But I'd much rather have you get it deliberately in healthy doses."
The show was actually geared towards menopausal women but I realized the things being discussed were vital for women @ any age. Healthy lifestyles. Putting yourself 1st. Acknowledging that you are in fact a person w/feelings not a machine or a robot who cooks, cleans, wifes, mothers, etc...
A lack of focus on yourself can really be detrimental to one's health. Not just women but men as well. Though I focus on women, b/c I am one & b/c women tend to be the more self-less sex. Its just in our nature. We are natural givers...until we've given all we have & there's nothing left. Mind you life is going on. Everyone around you has moved on & in retrospect you're all used up...w/no one to blame but YOU!
I have always been a HUGE giver. BUT. In recent (last 2) years I've been focusing more so on myself. What I like to do. Who I am. Who I want to be. Not (trying @ least) allowing others to interfere w/my happiness. Though people do try whether consciously or sub-consciously...the devil is ALWAYS busy!!!
Anyways, I've been having a ruff past few months w/family, boys & life in general. Wait no. Let me rewind. I no longer allow boys to wreck any flow I have. Why? b/c they just are NOT worth...too many out here & they all dawgs...so I say "fuck it...Imma dawg too! We all dawgs! ROO!!!" Fast Forward. So I've just realized I've once again allowed other people's lives to consume me. Something I vowed I would never do. In 2005, I had a ridiculously "trying" year. Break-ups, Hurricanes, Losses all around. Taught me a lot about relationships, trust, & most importantly ME! In 2006, I made a vow to myself to live for ME...b/c if I don't who will? NO ONE! No one can love me more than ME! (well aside from Jesus)
So as I watched this show. I realized I've gotten away from that. The promise I made w/myself. I know times get tuff & that's okay. I'm fine w/that. However, I'm NOT fine w/self-neglect to the point of breakdown. Though its for a good cause. I'm closely involved w/those I love. I go above & beyond the average person. I actually pride myself on my ability to do so...but there has to be a BALANCE. Key word that most people forget. I'm not a good balancer by far. I spend too much. Save too little. I think too much. Act too little. I give too much. Receive too little. I work too much. Paid too little. There has to be a balance. There will be struggle & pain, but w/confidence you have won even before you have started.
Hence I must get back to the small things that make me happy...just so happens to be exercise, meditation (yoga) & SEX (WOOHOO my fave-YES)! Other stuff too...Starbucks, trips, "new stuff"...otherwise I'm on the brink of losing my mind!!! And we can't have that now can we...esp in October...my birthday month...no indeed!!! ;)
So remember you are the creator of your own destiny...God created us in His image. Hence we already Great we just have to recognize the greatness & maximize its potential. He wants us to be happy so why do we settle for less than??? Well y'all, cus uh...I'm NOT! I don't settle. I don't deal. I do. I make. I am.
"I'm free! Look @ ME! Freedom in high fidelity! FREE!" ~Gnarls Barkley
And on that not my free & happy (& horny) ass is hungry...so I'm blowing!
HOLLA scholars!
~Sdotter
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Dear Kitty Kat,
Why so blue???
Do you really have to ask???
I know. I know. I kinda miss it too.
Kinda?
Okay. Okay. You're right! I'm really a horny fool!
Thought so.
Well what should we do???
WE??? No! YOU! Should stop ackin like we cool! GIT! FAST!!!
Okay! Okay! Sheesh!
~Sdotter the Scorpio
Do you really have to ask???
I know. I know. I kinda miss it too.
Kinda?
Okay. Okay. You're right! I'm really a horny fool!
Thought so.
Well what should we do???
WE??? No! YOU! Should stop ackin like we cool! GIT! FAST!!!
Okay! Okay! Sheesh!
~Sdotter the Scorpio
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Trick Me!
My second reference to Kelis's Tasty. You guys like that album too...as much I did/do? OMGosh! Me & my friend Nic made this vid of her performing to a song from that album. SOOOOOOOOO funny! Classic material, unfortunately Katrina was the cause of destruction for that little piece of history. Oh well...
Anyways.
I really kinda don't wanna talk about this. Haven't actually discussed (in detail) it w/anyone as of yet.
So...basically. I called, on Friday, "2nd chance" after pressures from my friends. We hadn't spoken in about week or so. Not for real. Bullshit texts. Blah e-mails. Awkward conversations. Anyways, back to Friday. I called. To my surprise he didn't answer. Surprising b/c he never not answers. So...I'm like "Ohhhhkay, wth?!" To my surprise & lapse of rationale I left a message..."What is going on MAN? Tired of playing games. We clearly aren't regular. So be a man & say what's on your mind b/c there IS something on your mind, right???" Hung up. Thought to myself, "not so sure that was a good idea, Shanette...no, it was not! Damnit!" I was supposed to be calling to apologize.
So...he calls back..about 6-7 hours later. By this time, I'm rather annoyed not only by him not answering the phone, but his LOOONG ass delay in returning my call. On top of the fact that I've been drinking. Its about 12 am. Here's the conversation:
(Him=2 Me=1)
1:Hello
2: What's up
1: Idunno. You tell me.
2: What was that message about?
1: You KNOW what the message is about.
2: What do you want me to say, Shanette?
1: I want you to say, "shit is cool, we're regular." So that I can stop feeling like we're playing cat & mouse.
2: Well I can't say that b/c I'm NOT regular & shit is NOT cool.
1: Well wtf is the problem???
2: You.
1: Me???!!!
2: Yep. That's it. Just you.
1: Well if I'm the problem why are you even calling me?
2: b/c I'm polite
(Now I'm MAD!)
1: Polite? No, you're a fucking hypocrite! You talk all this shit & you doing something completely different.
2: Of course. Don't take the blame. Place the blame.
1: Fuck you!
2: Yeah. I know. That's your answer for everything! You really need to...
1: Need to what?!
2: Get yo head out yo ass. Stop blaming other people for YOUR flaws. Its YOU! You are YOUR problem! All this bullshit act you put up. I don't have time for that shit. I'm a man. Period. All that other shit you're accustomed to, that wasn't shit! Its not my fault. Its not your fault. Its life. Deal. I'm sick of your bullshit, Shanette. I'm over it. I'm done.
1: .....are you serious??? Like what do you mean you're done?!
2: I mean I'm done. I'm not dealing w/YOU anymore. You're not ready. I'm not going to pressure you. SO I'm done.
1: Fine. Fine! Gotdamnit! FINE! I don't need this shit from you! wtf are you anyways?!
2: Apparently, no one, right?
1: Is this a gotdamn trick?!
2: WHAT are you talking about?! Are you drunk?
1: What?!
2: Have you been drinking?
1: WTF?! Are you kidding me?
2: No, answer the question.
1: I'm not answering shit!
2: I know. Simple question=extra complex non-answer. I don't even know why I bother.
1: Man gtf off my phone w/that shit!
2: Okay, bye.
1: Shit, bye!
*****end conversation******
Ummm...my immediate after thoughts...ANGER then...kinda sad.
Now...indifference.
Not sure what to feel.
I'm not even sure what the issue is.
I mean. I know I'm difficult & I sometimes have a hard time taking the easy way.
I just really thought I was doing so well this time.
I didn't think what I said was so bad. Honestly.
I mean. I think I am really hurt b/c I really do like him. I just don't know how much I like him. As days go by...the test of silence will prove how much I like him. Only thing is...I'm the Queen of Silence. I can completely STOP talking to pretty much anyone. No distractions needed. Cold turkey. Quit! I'm kinda heartless like that. Not saying that's a good thing. I just honestly don't think that anyone would really care. Then I ask myself, would I care...and yes, I would. So...I'm trying to stop doing that too. Damn! I can't do nothing fucking w/you sensitive mufuckas. Maybe, Moe's right...I'm not human. I'm an alien from outer space, like Janelle Monae (she's cool-btw)!
I probably am really hurt. Maybe. I just can't feel it (does that sound like bullshit?) Maybe. I really don't care. Hmmm...
Don't know what's going to happen next. If anything.
Don't know what could happen @ this point.
Hell I think I'm lost...cus Idunno what's going on around here.
Maybe I've become too self-absorbed. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe not though.
Let me just say this though. I feel tricked. Scammed. Set up even. I think he knew what he was doing & now I'm the bad guy...as usual!
Trick me once but I won't let you trick me twice.
If something does happen after this. I'm going back to "manual" mode b/c clearly the "semi-automatic" shit does NOT work. Guess it has to be all or nothing. And I just don't know how to be completely open just yet. I think too much for that.
Honestly though. He's not the problem. HE never was. I always said it was me. That I wasn't ready. But he also said he could deal. Guess he couldn't...and I'm...well...Idunno what I am.
I do know I'm outta here cus my tummy hurts.
So...there you have it...no happy endings here.
Bye.
~Shanette
(I'm not allowing ANYONE to ruin my b-day month!)
Anyways.
I really kinda don't wanna talk about this. Haven't actually discussed (in detail) it w/anyone as of yet.
So...basically. I called, on Friday, "2nd chance" after pressures from my friends. We hadn't spoken in about week or so. Not for real. Bullshit texts. Blah e-mails. Awkward conversations. Anyways, back to Friday. I called. To my surprise he didn't answer. Surprising b/c he never not answers. So...I'm like "Ohhhhkay, wth?!" To my surprise & lapse of rationale I left a message..."What is going on MAN? Tired of playing games. We clearly aren't regular. So be a man & say what's on your mind b/c there IS something on your mind, right???" Hung up. Thought to myself, "not so sure that was a good idea, Shanette...no, it was not! Damnit!" I was supposed to be calling to apologize.
So...he calls back..about 6-7 hours later. By this time, I'm rather annoyed not only by him not answering the phone, but his LOOONG ass delay in returning my call. On top of the fact that I've been drinking. Its about 12 am. Here's the conversation:
(Him=2 Me=1)
1:Hello
2: What's up
1: Idunno. You tell me.
2: What was that message about?
1: You KNOW what the message is about.
2: What do you want me to say, Shanette?
1: I want you to say, "shit is cool, we're regular." So that I can stop feeling like we're playing cat & mouse.
2: Well I can't say that b/c I'm NOT regular & shit is NOT cool.
1: Well wtf is the problem???
2: You.
1: Me???!!!
2: Yep. That's it. Just you.
1: Well if I'm the problem why are you even calling me?
2: b/c I'm polite
(Now I'm MAD!)
1: Polite? No, you're a fucking hypocrite! You talk all this shit & you doing something completely different.
2: Of course. Don't take the blame. Place the blame.
1: Fuck you!
2: Yeah. I know. That's your answer for everything! You really need to...
1: Need to what?!
2: Get yo head out yo ass. Stop blaming other people for YOUR flaws. Its YOU! You are YOUR problem! All this bullshit act you put up. I don't have time for that shit. I'm a man. Period. All that other shit you're accustomed to, that wasn't shit! Its not my fault. Its not your fault. Its life. Deal. I'm sick of your bullshit, Shanette. I'm over it. I'm done.
1: .....are you serious??? Like what do you mean you're done?!
2: I mean I'm done. I'm not dealing w/YOU anymore. You're not ready. I'm not going to pressure you. SO I'm done.
1: Fine. Fine! Gotdamnit! FINE! I don't need this shit from you! wtf are you anyways?!
2: Apparently, no one, right?
1: Is this a gotdamn trick?!
2: WHAT are you talking about?! Are you drunk?
1: What?!
2: Have you been drinking?
1: WTF?! Are you kidding me?
2: No, answer the question.
1: I'm not answering shit!
2: I know. Simple question=extra complex non-answer. I don't even know why I bother.
1: Man gtf off my phone w/that shit!
2: Okay, bye.
1: Shit, bye!
*****end conversation******
Ummm...my immediate after thoughts...ANGER then...kinda sad.
Now...indifference.
Not sure what to feel.
I'm not even sure what the issue is.
I mean. I know I'm difficult & I sometimes have a hard time taking the easy way.
I just really thought I was doing so well this time.
I didn't think what I said was so bad. Honestly.
I mean. I think I am really hurt b/c I really do like him. I just don't know how much I like him. As days go by...the test of silence will prove how much I like him. Only thing is...I'm the Queen of Silence. I can completely STOP talking to pretty much anyone. No distractions needed. Cold turkey. Quit! I'm kinda heartless like that. Not saying that's a good thing. I just honestly don't think that anyone would really care. Then I ask myself, would I care...and yes, I would. So...I'm trying to stop doing that too. Damn! I can't do nothing fucking w/you sensitive mufuckas. Maybe, Moe's right...I'm not human. I'm an alien from outer space, like Janelle Monae (she's cool-btw)!
I probably am really hurt. Maybe. I just can't feel it (does that sound like bullshit?) Maybe. I really don't care. Hmmm...
Don't know what's going to happen next. If anything.
Don't know what could happen @ this point.
Hell I think I'm lost...cus Idunno what's going on around here.
Maybe I've become too self-absorbed. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe not though.
Let me just say this though. I feel tricked. Scammed. Set up even. I think he knew what he was doing & now I'm the bad guy...as usual!
Trick me once but I won't let you trick me twice.
If something does happen after this. I'm going back to "manual" mode b/c clearly the "semi-automatic" shit does NOT work. Guess it has to be all or nothing. And I just don't know how to be completely open just yet. I think too much for that.
Honestly though. He's not the problem. HE never was. I always said it was me. That I wasn't ready. But he also said he could deal. Guess he couldn't...and I'm...well...Idunno what I am.
I do know I'm outta here cus my tummy hurts.
So...there you have it...no happy endings here.
Bye.
~Shanette
(I'm not allowing ANYONE to ruin my b-day month!)
Saturday, October 13, 2007
A Social Experiment
So the yesterday I mentioned pretending...its this new thing I'm trying out.
Is it a crime? You be the judge.
Why?
Cus Moe said I am too tuff right. I never give anybody a chance (boys).
I deserve to be treated well by "no-chance" guys if they're willing. Freebies...gifts, food, trips, stuff<--I like stuff! Though I've just never been that kinda gal-the take stuff from guys that Iun hardly no jus cus. Think I have too much pride or something. Or that just doesn't interest me. But I'm tyring it out...and so far...I must say its going pretty good...not the stuff thing but just the "pretending" in general. Btw-I salute all you hoes (in the nicest way) who can deal w/bullshit niggas to get what you want! You bitches (in the nicest way) should get a medal or some shit...I'll look into that for you.
What?
Pretending is well...everything I'm not. I've always been a real straight up & down type-gal. What you see is what you get. Kinda harsh? Well that's me. SO if you can't deal...by all means don't. Most can't. SO I understand. It ain't easy but its worth it! :D So the idea here is to put all that aside when it comes to boys. Try @ least to not be such a "Meany." I'm really not that bad though. I just don't hardly like nobody & I have a tuff time being fake.
How?
Well. Pretend like I'm interested. Pretend like I care (cus I do NOT). Pretend to be engaged. Just pretend like I'm actually into the person you know...
Who?
SO I've been trying it out on not only new boys but current boys, past boys (the ones I can stand), & even "friend" boys.
I mean everyone wants to feel well...wanted, right? I know I like that "I want" you feeling. SO...I'm sure these boys don't mind @ all. Well...until I don't follow through on majority of the "pretends"...but I try to avoid those @ all cost (running outta stuff though). A lot of the things I've been doing with & for boys I would never do! I mean its kinda cool b/c I'm learning what I really can & can't tolerate. What I like & don't like. That I actually am moving on past "the ex". I'm being more open to new things. Being pleasant isn't so bad. I guess I have to keep in mind though...that this is just all in fun...I hope. I don't wanna hurt anyone...well actually I don't mind hurting them...I just don't want them to hurt ME! I just like to play...I'm still a kid in a grown-up's body...doing grown folk shit when its convenient ; )
So here's to wanting & being wanted...though I don't think Sade meant it in this kinda way...
Until we blog again...
CHEERS Pretenders & all you real hoes-HA!
~Sdotter
Is it a crime? You be the judge.
Why?
Cus Moe said I am too tuff right. I never give anybody a chance (boys).
I deserve to be treated well by "no-chance" guys if they're willing. Freebies...gifts, food, trips, stuff<--I like stuff! Though I've just never been that kinda gal-the take stuff from guys that Iun hardly no jus cus. Think I have too much pride or something. Or that just doesn't interest me. But I'm tyring it out...and so far...I must say its going pretty good...not the stuff thing but just the "pretending" in general. Btw-I salute all you hoes (in the nicest way) who can deal w/bullshit niggas to get what you want! You bitches (in the nicest way) should get a medal or some shit...I'll look into that for you.
What?
Pretending is well...everything I'm not. I've always been a real straight up & down type-gal. What you see is what you get. Kinda harsh? Well that's me. SO if you can't deal...by all means don't. Most can't. SO I understand. It ain't easy but its worth it! :D So the idea here is to put all that aside when it comes to boys. Try @ least to not be such a "Meany." I'm really not that bad though. I just don't hardly like nobody & I have a tuff time being fake.
How?
Well. Pretend like I'm interested. Pretend like I care (cus I do NOT). Pretend to be engaged. Just pretend like I'm actually into the person you know...
Who?
SO I've been trying it out on not only new boys but current boys, past boys (the ones I can stand), & even "friend" boys.
I mean everyone wants to feel well...wanted, right? I know I like that "I want" you feeling. SO...I'm sure these boys don't mind @ all. Well...until I don't follow through on majority of the "pretends"...but I try to avoid those @ all cost (running outta stuff though). A lot of the things I've been doing with & for boys I would never do! I mean its kinda cool b/c I'm learning what I really can & can't tolerate. What I like & don't like. That I actually am moving on past "the ex". I'm being more open to new things. Being pleasant isn't so bad. I guess I have to keep in mind though...that this is just all in fun...I hope. I don't wanna hurt anyone...well actually I don't mind hurting them...I just don't want them to hurt ME! I just like to play...I'm still a kid in a grown-up's body...doing grown folk shit when its convenient ; )
So here's to wanting & being wanted...though I don't think Sade meant it in this kinda way...
Until we blog again...
CHEERS Pretenders & all you real hoes-HA!
~Sdotter
Friday, October 12, 2007
Sugar Honey Ice Tea
Actually I was thinking about Loso (in case you aint noso) on the Shawty is a Ten remix (yeah I slick like it...shhh)...you should tip me! But no really the Kelis joint from the Tasty album is much more banging! Trip part is this has nothing to do w/the post other than I'm sweet as hell...in more ways than one ; D (I don't even like tea-btw)
So here's what it is about:
Anyways...so I know how October is supposed to be my month, shit...but its actually not going too haute...but I mean you know...that's life...shit never goes as planned. So no complaints. I'll just pretend (thats my new hobby...pretending...tell you bout that later) like I'm having a SUPER month!
Here's some stuff I love that ALWAYS makes me feel better whether I'm up or down!
YAY for STUFF!
So...I not I'm not like the biggest girlie girl but hey...lilies & tulips-MeLikey! No thanks roses and hells naw to carnations-got that from Carrie (Bradshaw-duh!)
Speaking of Carrie. SATC DEF makes me smile! Love love loves it!
My #1s make me happy...Maddness & Addness (their crazy Mommies too)! YAY! They're growings on up!
Shopping!!! (nuff said) I just like the concept of newness...it could be toothpaste...and I'm excited...after my 1st use though...I'm over it.
Compliments!!! Who does NOT like compliments?! Now I know I'm fly as a mufucka BUT its always nice to know that someone else KNOWs that too! lol.
$$$-lets be honest...the root of all evil-yes...but don't ya feel GREAT when ya bank account is right?! Well I do...forget you!
Mani/Pedi-OMGosh! I feel so extra good afterwards! So like the princess that I am! Yep my BIG grown ass is STILL a princess, bitches!
Sushi & red wine-those are instant mood changers (well really salmon)...its a scientific fact!
Music! I'm a music lover...all kinds. Coltrane to Lil Jon! Music that says what I'm thinking. That inspires me. That uplifts me. That makes me happy. That makes me (wanna)dance. That I can associate w/a time & place in my life. That's what I love. Like Ye. He always knows just what to say & for that he's #1 in my book! (too bad I already used my pic of me & Ye in the other post...ah well)
I know y'all tired of hearing this one..but Iun care! I ♥ New Orleans, LA w/all my heart & soul!!! Makes me feel so content. Like nothing else matters. Ahhh...the G.O.O.D. Life!
A great night out...hanging w/the girls or chillin w/my boo...topped of w/a lil or a LOT ;) S E X = YES YES YEAYUUUUUUH!!! So what?! I'm kinda nasty...but hey if I don't mind...then neither should you...besides...you prolly like it more than I do! :-P
My awesome friends make me happy...sometimes...bitches...j/k.
My suder & her chappies...they drive me CRAZY but I love em no less...its like they're my own...except...they're not...and that's what so great! Although...my family is extremely dysfuntional! Whooo Lawd knows they are freakin INSANE but man that's the irony...NEVER a dull moment...and I lubs it! They make my world go round...I'm extremely Blessed.
Speaking of blessed! My #1 homie & main man Jesus ALWAYS brightens my day. He's the reason for all my seasons baby! Everything I'm not made me everything I am! Forver in his debt for saving a little sinner like me! I'm awesome just b/c of that! Why would I expect anything less??? WHY?! Hence...I don't! Which is why I takes none & dishes even less! I don't even deal w/less thans...There I said it...I'm tha bomb watch me BLOW!
...blowing right on away...
Till we blog again...if you're having a bad day, week, month, year, life...remember you're in control of you. SO...if you wanna be misreable by all means...BE, like Common. BUT if you wanna be happy, just do it, like Nike! Think good thoughts...no really...it works. I know...I tried it. Take control. Pray. Love you. Be happy. That's all I wanna do. (stack a lil paper-tithe (can't forget who GAVE me all I need & more)- & have fun too...lol...that's not too too much is it?! NAaay...I didn't think so either)
Okay peace out little grasshoppers.
~Sdotter
So here's what it is about:
Anyways...so I know how October is supposed to be my month, shit...but its actually not going too haute...but I mean you know...that's life...shit never goes as planned. So no complaints. I'll just pretend (thats my new hobby...pretending...tell you bout that later) like I'm having a SUPER month!
Here's some stuff I love that ALWAYS makes me feel better whether I'm up or down!
YAY for STUFF!
So...I not I'm not like the biggest girlie girl but hey...lilies & tulips-MeLikey! No thanks roses and hells naw to carnations-got that from Carrie (Bradshaw-duh!)Speaking of Carrie. SATC DEF makes me smile! Love love loves it!
My #1s make me happy...Maddness & Addness (their crazy Mommies too)! YAY! They're growings on up!
Shopping!!! (nuff said) I just like the concept of newness...it could be toothpaste...and I'm excited...after my 1st use though...I'm over it.
Compliments!!! Who does NOT like compliments?! Now I know I'm fly as a mufucka BUT its always nice to know that someone else KNOWs that too! lol.
$$$-lets be honest...the root of all evil-yes...but don't ya feel GREAT when ya bank account is right?! Well I do...forget you!
Mani/Pedi-OMGosh! I feel so extra good afterwards! So like the princess that I am! Yep my BIG grown ass is STILL a princess, bitches!
Sushi & red wine-those are instant mood changers (well really salmon)...its a scientific fact!
Music! I'm a music lover...all kinds. Coltrane to Lil Jon! Music that says what I'm thinking. That inspires me. That uplifts me. That makes me happy. That makes me (wanna)dance. That I can associate w/a time & place in my life. That's what I love. Like Ye. He always knows just what to say & for that he's #1 in my book! (too bad I already used my pic of me & Ye in the other post...ah well)I know y'all tired of hearing this one..but Iun care! I ♥ New Orleans, LA w/all my heart & soul!!! Makes me feel so content. Like nothing else matters. Ahhh...the G.O.O.D. Life!
A great night out...hanging w/the girls or chillin w/my boo...topped of w/a lil or a LOT ;) S E X = YES YES YEAYUUUUUUH!!! So what?! I'm kinda nasty...but hey if I don't mind...then neither should you...besides...you prolly like it more than I do! :-P
My awesome friends make me happy...sometimes...bitches...j/k.
My suder & her chappies...they drive me CRAZY but I love em no less...its like they're my own...except...they're not...and that's what so great! Although...my family is extremely dysfuntional! Whooo Lawd knows they are freakin INSANE but man that's the irony...NEVER a dull moment...and I lubs it! They make my world go round...I'm extremely Blessed. Speaking of blessed! My #1 homie & main man Jesus ALWAYS brightens my day. He's the reason for all my seasons baby! Everything I'm not made me everything I am! Forver in his debt for saving a little sinner like me! I'm awesome just b/c of that! Why would I expect anything less??? WHY?! Hence...I don't! Which is why I takes none & dishes even less! I don't even deal w/less thans...There I said it...I'm tha bomb watch me BLOW!
...blowing right on away...
Till we blog again...if you're having a bad day, week, month, year, life...remember you're in control of you. SO...if you wanna be misreable by all means...BE, like Common. BUT if you wanna be happy, just do it, like Nike! Think good thoughts...no really...it works. I know...I tried it. Take control. Pray. Love you. Be happy. That's all I wanna do. (stack a lil paper-tithe (can't forget who GAVE me all I need & more)- & have fun too...lol...that's not too too much is it?! NAaay...I didn't think so either)
Okay peace out little grasshoppers.
~Sdotter
Friday, October 5, 2007
Optimistic! October!
I ♥ Fall!
Its such a Fantabulous time!
The great weather...for picnics...dropping the top...trips to the lake...adventures in the park...boat rides...flyin kites...having BIG fun!
The clothes...chic coats...snazzy sweaters...bangin boots...thicke tights...hip hats...darhling dresses...HAUTE, HAUTE, HAUTE!
My bday...friends...family...food...cake...drinks...dancing...clubs...boys...THE G.O.O.D. Life...living it...even when I'm not!
Its just all so lovely!
Wow! My b-day...its already October?!
2 4! Yikes!
This means I have a little over a year to FA REAL FA REAL GIT!
No like really!
I can list a number of things that I am dying to have accomplished by then but none of them are as important as...RELOCATION!!!
If I am not out of Memphis by October 5, 2008...I am literally going to just pack up and leave w/whatevs in the bank & whatevs on my back...I'll fig the rest out when I get to where I'm going.
Seriously...this shit here...this shit right here nicca...is for the birds!
I have gotten ALL that Memphis can offer ME!
So M-town...we cool & all...but HOLLA!
So anywhoo...like I was saying...I'm expecting a stupendous birthday...not that I'm just doing anything extravagant...but I mean you know...to see another year...healthy & haute ;) is enuff in itself to shout GLORY! So...GLORY! Though hopefully I'll be in Houston/New Orleans for my b-day week...hanging w/Madd&Nic...Moe,Sdubb, & Sach...and whomever else wants to be in the mix...which is usu errbody. No like really somebody is always tryna hang...I be like "uh no thanks...all of our hanging spots have been filled, lol!"
This time last year my hair was a lot longer...well not a WHOLE lot but I mean you know...a noticeable amount...I could wear a lil "white girl ponytail" So...gotta fig out what Imma do bout my hair...money is uh...subpar...and my hair is au naturale (BOOOO-perms!)...so my choices be kinda limited...I'm not a big weave fan...something about the whole "fake" thing disturbs me. I can only go as far as braids and even that is bothersome. SO...we'll see...keep ya posted.
What else is poppin off?
Oh yeah. Called "2nd chance" after a 3-day silence. He gave me the asshole-one-answer treatment. Hell I gave it right back...then I caught myself. I ignored it & tried to smooth him over but he just wasn't feelin it so I was like okay whatevs. Though I was kinda hurt like "Dang! What's THAT about?!" Then I texted him like "what's your deal? Is there something up? We not cool?" He hit me w/the long ass pause b/c he knows I hate that shit! I'm like "I KNOW you by yo phone cus we JUST got off...WTF!" He replied like "What?" I was like "Ugh. NEvermind. Hell!" Him: "See that's the problem now...your nonchalant attitude." Me: "WTF does THAT mean?!" Him: "You don't give a fuck about me. How you call me 3 days after you ain't heard from me...knowing I am pissed @ you...like shit is cool?!" Me: "I mean. How you not call in 3 days like that's cool?! Was that a test or some shit?! We playing games now?!" Him: "Shanette you are SO self-absorbed and despite what you think in that little Me, Myself & I-filled mind of yours...everything is NOT about YOU and you're NOT alwyas right! Get over yourself!" Me: "GTFOH! I'm not talkin about this shit via text...I don't even know wtf you talkin bout!" Him: "OF course you don't. Its cool. I'll call you later...cus I know its your way or NO way!" Me: Blank text-In my mind-"STFU!" I ain't replyin to that crazy shit! That was Sunday. Ask me if I have talked to him...go ahead ask me...HELL NAW! And today is what?! FRIDAY, BITCHES! But its cool...I'm cool. Whatevs. I ain't playin w/no grown ass nigga! He's not about to ruin my damn birthday month! SUCKA! I will move right along on that ass...like Bey..."you must not know bout me...lets go lil Kitty Kat!" HOLLA!
...and on that note...
I'm blowing...
Have a fabulous Fall...go buy a fly ass military style trench. Rock a bold purple top. Uber cool jeans. Some SUPER tall, platform, knee-length boots. Lots of bangles & big ass earrings!
I know. Its not that cold yet...but it doesn't hurt to be ready. Right now is the transition phase...SO...you can pretty much rock whatevs...me...I'll be sticking to my white tees. Jeans. Ballets. LOTS of accessories! You know how I do!...well no you don't but I mean. You know...
Okay guys gotta jet...I SO need to RELEASE myself...lol...I know...EWW! ...but I said that b/c it made me think of Diddy's YouTube vid where he goes to the restroom...that's how I feel right now...SO FUNNY!
POB!
~Sdott
Its such a Fantabulous time!
The great weather...for picnics...dropping the top...trips to the lake...adventures in the park...boat rides...flyin kites...having BIG fun!
The clothes...chic coats...snazzy sweaters...bangin boots...thicke tights...hip hats...darhling dresses...HAUTE, HAUTE, HAUTE!
My bday...friends...family...food...cake...drinks...dancing...clubs...boys...THE G.O.O.D. Life...living it...even when I'm not!
Its just all so lovely!
Wow! My b-day...its already October?!
2 4! Yikes!
This means I have a little over a year to FA REAL FA REAL GIT!
No like really!
I can list a number of things that I am dying to have accomplished by then but none of them are as important as...RELOCATION!!!
If I am not out of Memphis by October 5, 2008...I am literally going to just pack up and leave w/whatevs in the bank & whatevs on my back...I'll fig the rest out when I get to where I'm going.
Seriously...this shit here...this shit right here nicca...is for the birds!
I have gotten ALL that Memphis can offer ME!
So M-town...we cool & all...but HOLLA!
So anywhoo...like I was saying...I'm expecting a stupendous birthday...not that I'm just doing anything extravagant...but I mean you know...to see another year...healthy & haute ;) is enuff in itself to shout GLORY! So...GLORY! Though hopefully I'll be in Houston/New Orleans for my b-day week...hanging w/Madd&Nic...Moe,Sdubb, & Sach...and whomever else wants to be in the mix...which is usu errbody. No like really somebody is always tryna hang...I be like "uh no thanks...all of our hanging spots have been filled, lol!"
This time last year my hair was a lot longer...well not a WHOLE lot but I mean you know...a noticeable amount...I could wear a lil "white girl ponytail" So...gotta fig out what Imma do bout my hair...money is uh...subpar...and my hair is au naturale (BOOOO-perms!)...so my choices be kinda limited...I'm not a big weave fan...something about the whole "fake" thing disturbs me. I can only go as far as braids and even that is bothersome. SO...we'll see...keep ya posted.
What else is poppin off?
Oh yeah. Called "2nd chance" after a 3-day silence. He gave me the asshole-one-answer treatment. Hell I gave it right back...then I caught myself. I ignored it & tried to smooth him over but he just wasn't feelin it so I was like okay whatevs. Though I was kinda hurt like "Dang! What's THAT about?!" Then I texted him like "what's your deal? Is there something up? We not cool?" He hit me w/the long ass pause b/c he knows I hate that shit! I'm like "I KNOW you by yo phone cus we JUST got off...WTF!" He replied like "What?" I was like "Ugh. NEvermind. Hell!" Him: "See that's the problem now...your nonchalant attitude." Me: "WTF does THAT mean?!" Him: "You don't give a fuck about me. How you call me 3 days after you ain't heard from me...knowing I am pissed @ you...like shit is cool?!" Me: "I mean. How you not call in 3 days like that's cool?! Was that a test or some shit?! We playing games now?!" Him: "Shanette you are SO self-absorbed and despite what you think in that little Me, Myself & I-filled mind of yours...everything is NOT about YOU and you're NOT alwyas right! Get over yourself!" Me: "GTFOH! I'm not talkin about this shit via text...I don't even know wtf you talkin bout!" Him: "OF course you don't. Its cool. I'll call you later...cus I know its your way or NO way!" Me: Blank text-In my mind-"STFU!" I ain't replyin to that crazy shit! That was Sunday. Ask me if I have talked to him...go ahead ask me...HELL NAW! And today is what?! FRIDAY, BITCHES! But its cool...I'm cool. Whatevs. I ain't playin w/no grown ass nigga! He's not about to ruin my damn birthday month! SUCKA! I will move right along on that ass...like Bey..."you must not know bout me...lets go lil Kitty Kat!" HOLLA!
...and on that note...
I'm blowing...
Have a fabulous Fall...go buy a fly ass military style trench. Rock a bold purple top. Uber cool jeans. Some SUPER tall, platform, knee-length boots. Lots of bangles & big ass earrings!
I know. Its not that cold yet...but it doesn't hurt to be ready. Right now is the transition phase...SO...you can pretty much rock whatevs...me...I'll be sticking to my white tees. Jeans. Ballets. LOTS of accessories! You know how I do!...well no you don't but I mean. You know...
Okay guys gotta jet...I SO need to RELEASE myself...lol...I know...EWW! ...but I said that b/c it made me think of Diddy's YouTube vid where he goes to the restroom...that's how I feel right now...SO FUNNY!
POB!
~Sdott
Saturday, September 29, 2007
b/c I don't wanna...
My response when "2nd chance" asked "So what's it gonna be?" No. "Well uh...why not?" ...b/c I don't want to.
He went off. The next day. I felt bad. Kinda. Wasn't tryna be a jerk. Thought it was better than actually saying why...but maybe not.
Maybe I should've said:
I don't want to b/c...
I'm not ready.
I'm doing me + myself + I...and you don't fit into the equation...yet.
I don't trust you...yet.
I trust me...even less.
I'm too young to go steady.
Its far too much pressure.
I don't want to have to ...
...tell you where I'm going.
...what I've been doing.
...when I'm coming back.
...who I've been screwing.
I don't want to b/c...
I like things the way they are.
I like you.
I really do.
Its the shit that comes after that I'm not trying to go thru!
My stomach hurts. I sweat. Head pounding...@ the thought.
I don't want to b/c...
I actually care about you.
I don't want to have to...
...not know you when I thought I knew...
...that you wouldn't hurt me like the rest of them do...
...give all of me + 10% like I usually do...
...in vain & unnoticed by you.
Then the long distance.
Though not that far.
Enough for me to have resistance...
...against the thought of yet another relationship...
...based solely on "are you coming to see me this weekend?"
Then there's the...well...yeah...the sex or lack there of...
...I feel like a wife...a sad little wife.
Who adores her husband, finda him attractive but lacks luster.
I'm trying. I'm dealing. I'm coaching.
Just not sure you're reciprocating.
And that for me is a prollum.
Biggie?
Yeah. Kinda.
I'm 23.
What's wrong w/wanting to have that aspect of your relationship be just as important as any other?
Once a guy wouldn't even date me b/c I was a virgin...lol...I was offended @ the time but now I understandd. Hey he had needs. He's a man. If he wasn't getting it from he'd get it from someone else...and why even bother getting involved to deal w/the drama. Save time. Trouble. And. Hearts.
Same concept.
I like sex.
For now. Its important.
Idunno what else to do or say.
So...there it is...the reasons why...I don't wanna.
Is that hard to understand?
Tuff to deal with?
A little overbearing??
Maybe...but it is what it is.
Why can't we just do what we're doing?
Why the labels?
Why the "commitment" convo?
Why?
I like this.
I like you.
I like us.
...but I don't like that.
I just don't wanna...not now.
Maybe later.
Maybe soon.
...but not today....nope I'm not gonna.
Hope you understand.
...but if you don't.
Then Idunno.
I'm not gonna front...
~Shanette
He went off. The next day. I felt bad. Kinda. Wasn't tryna be a jerk. Thought it was better than actually saying why...but maybe not.
Maybe I should've said:
I don't want to b/c...
I'm not ready.
I'm doing me + myself + I...and you don't fit into the equation...yet.
I don't trust you...yet.
I trust me...even less.
I'm too young to go steady.
Its far too much pressure.
I don't want to have to ...
...tell you where I'm going.
...what I've been doing.
...when I'm coming back.
...who I've been screwing.
I don't want to b/c...
I like things the way they are.
I like you.
I really do.
Its the shit that comes after that I'm not trying to go thru!
My stomach hurts. I sweat. Head pounding...@ the thought.
I don't want to b/c...
I actually care about you.
I don't want to have to...
...not know you when I thought I knew...
...that you wouldn't hurt me like the rest of them do...
...give all of me + 10% like I usually do...
...in vain & unnoticed by you.
Then the long distance.
Though not that far.
Enough for me to have resistance...
...against the thought of yet another relationship...
...based solely on "are you coming to see me this weekend?"
Then there's the...well...yeah...the sex or lack there of...
...I feel like a wife...a sad little wife.
Who adores her husband, finda him attractive but lacks luster.
I'm trying. I'm dealing. I'm coaching.
Just not sure you're reciprocating.
And that for me is a prollum.
Biggie?
Yeah. Kinda.
I'm 23.
What's wrong w/wanting to have that aspect of your relationship be just as important as any other?
Once a guy wouldn't even date me b/c I was a virgin...lol...I was offended @ the time but now I understandd. Hey he had needs. He's a man. If he wasn't getting it from he'd get it from someone else...and why even bother getting involved to deal w/the drama. Save time. Trouble. And. Hearts.
Same concept.
I like sex.
For now. Its important.
Idunno what else to do or say.
So...there it is...the reasons why...I don't wanna.
Is that hard to understand?
Tuff to deal with?
A little overbearing??
Maybe...but it is what it is.
Why can't we just do what we're doing?
Why the labels?
Why the "commitment" convo?
Why?
I like this.
I like you.
I like us.
...but I don't like that.
I just don't wanna...not now.
Maybe later.
Maybe soon.
...but not today....nope I'm not gonna.
Hope you understand.
...but if you don't.
Then Idunno.
I'm not gonna front...
~Shanette
Friday, September 28, 2007
I'm the Prollum...
Okay, it's me...I realize. I confess. I digress.
I'm the prollum...but guess what I don't give a fuck!
I don't talk shit. I'm pretty quiet matter fact.
Yet I'm to blame for all the pain & never cut an ounce of slack.
Okay...so I'm the prollum...I get it now.
My tongue is sharp. My words quick.
Harsh but sincere. To your skin they stick.
I'm unaware of my effect.
Until its too late & my words I regret.
Or not. Really.
I mean well. The delivery is just off.
I'm honest.
I'm melancholy.
I have slight asshole tendencies.
I'm me.
I feel.
I cry.
I laugh.
I have weak moments.
I'm me.
Change is weird.
I'm not a fan.
I've changed enuff for people & situations.
Some good.
Some bad.
I'm not changing anymore.
I wuz who I wuz b4 I got here.
If you don't like it...do what I do...relieve yourself.
I am commited to no one.
No one is commited to me.
I fear commitment.
Too much pressure.
I'm sorry "2nd chance" I'm just not ready.
Ready for you.
Ready for me...you're not...you just think you are.
I'm a task and I know that...but I'm free.
Free to be me. In a world where being you is...well its...Golden.
So if you find that I'm your prollum.
I'd advise you to relieve yourself for I am living...my life like its Golden ; )
As long as I got my Mommy & Jesus...I'm straight, like T.I.!
I love my friends.
I love my family.
I just love me more.
What's wrong w/that?
I gotta be this way to get me together.
If I don't...who will?
Eggzactly.
No one.
Not you.
Not them
Not her.
Not him.
Me, myself & I.
Nobody can match my hustle but me.
Nobody can understand my struggle but me.
Can't continue to live my life always putting myself out there for others!
Or can I?
Is that my life?
Huh God?
Is that my destiny?
To dedicate my life to the betterment of others?
At the cost of...my sanity.
Though I hope not. If it is. I accept.
...and w/that I'm blowing...like the wind...until we blog again...I'm going to pop a Xanax cus y'all tryna drive me nutz!
~Shanette
I'm the prollum...but guess what I don't give a fuck!
I don't talk shit. I'm pretty quiet matter fact.
Yet I'm to blame for all the pain & never cut an ounce of slack.
Okay...so I'm the prollum...I get it now.
My tongue is sharp. My words quick.
Harsh but sincere. To your skin they stick.
I'm unaware of my effect.
Until its too late & my words I regret.
Or not. Really.
I mean well. The delivery is just off.
I'm honest.
I'm melancholy.
I have slight asshole tendencies.
I'm me.
I feel.
I cry.
I laugh.
I have weak moments.
I'm me.
Change is weird.
I'm not a fan.
I've changed enuff for people & situations.
Some good.
Some bad.
I'm not changing anymore.
I wuz who I wuz b4 I got here.
If you don't like it...do what I do...relieve yourself.
I am commited to no one.
No one is commited to me.
I fear commitment.
Too much pressure.
I'm sorry "2nd chance" I'm just not ready.
Ready for you.
Ready for me...you're not...you just think you are.
I'm a task and I know that...but I'm free.
Free to be me. In a world where being you is...well its...Golden.
So if you find that I'm your prollum.
I'd advise you to relieve yourself for I am living...my life like its Golden ; )
As long as I got my Mommy & Jesus...I'm straight, like T.I.!
I love my friends.
I love my family.
I just love me more.
What's wrong w/that?
I gotta be this way to get me together.
If I don't...who will?
Eggzactly.
No one.
Not you.
Not them
Not her.
Not him.
Me, myself & I.
Nobody can match my hustle but me.
Nobody can understand my struggle but me.
Can't continue to live my life always putting myself out there for others!
Or can I?
Is that my life?
Huh God?
Is that my destiny?
To dedicate my life to the betterment of others?
At the cost of...my sanity.
Though I hope not. If it is. I accept.
...and w/that I'm blowing...like the wind...until we blog again...I'm going to pop a Xanax cus y'all tryna drive me nutz!
~Shanette
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Stupid September!
Can I just tell you guys something?! Really??? Okay, here goes...
September has been the worst fuckin month EVA!
I mean like really!
Its been so bad that I can't even cry about the shit!
That's how you know shit is bad when you've just zoned the fuck out, suck it up, and deal, like the shit is okay. Well gotdamnit! This shit is NOT okay! FUCK! I need vacay man, like yesterday! A massage like 3 weeks ago, and some head like a month ago! Real talk!
I mean. Shit is bad. The fam is crazier than eva. I'm on the edge man...I'm on the mufuckn edge. Swear to God. Don't gimme a reason or I'm jumpin the fuck off...not really...but you know.
*sighs*
Then I have had like 75 (BAD) encounters w/exes! Its like revenge of the fuckn ex! The hell?! GO A WAY! BEtta yet...Imma go away cus clearly I'm the fuckn prollum! CLEARLY!!! SHIT!
First...saw punk bitch dawg married ass C. Que, often referred to as the ex. Ugh I was so thoroughly annoyed by his presence. I mean like I lit wanted to vom! He was so outdone that I wouldn't give him the time of day. "No bitch! I'm ova yo dawg ass. Fuck you & an yo GOOD dick!" (LOL!) I swear to god I think I hate him...is that a sign I still have feelings for him??? I doubt it. But maybe. Not like "I wanna be w/him" type feelings. Just like "I still can't believe you fucked me over, cus I really did love you" type feelings. Always a possibility. Anyways. Seen dat nigga twice. Both times I skedaddled. I swear he just does NOT get it! I don't think he ever will. I could be married w/4 kids (please lawd! NO!) and dat nigga would still try me! Ugh! He's so fuckin egotistical! YUCK! Anywhoo...that was about the jist of our encounters.
Movin on...
Not sure if I've ever mentioned this guy, B who I was once friends; we got intimate & shit got crazy. Basically we've been friends since Junior High. We kinda lost touch in highschool. Even more so in college until one time I went to ATL for NBA All-Star weekend & we spotted each other amongst the enormous crowd of black folk! He was going to Morehouse. I was @ Dillard. We vowed to neva lose touch again (awwww). No really he was a really cool guy. So I was excited to see him and catch up and stuff.
Next time I saw him was about 6 months later in Memphis. Out. We had been talkin alot via e-mail and stuff. Just reg catch up chat. Well...this time he was kinda extra in my face. Kinda extra touch feely. I felt kinda weirded out but I blamed it on da liquor. Until...later that night he texted me and it wasn't a regular "how you doin" text...more like...how YOU doing (like Joey from Friends). So anywhoo...he kinda hooked up. The next day. I was like "aww shit that was not a good look Shanette." Well no IT was good but the fact that we did that...we didn't discuss it first...or nothing. But it seemed cool...he didn't trip & neither did I. This went on for like 2-3 years @ random...not often @ all...b/c he lived in the A & I was in the N.O.
Then he got a girl (she is a straight nut basket btw-from Cali-so you know how they are!). They got serious. We talked less. I got involved. It got serious. We rarely talked. Then I went to ATL and we saw each other out. We were both in limbo w/the "boos" so...you know how that turned out. Anyways...lemme get to the point...last new years he invited me to the A...mind you he's engaged...so I'm ALREADY set-up for failure. As I've stated b4 though. I don't do niggas w/gals. Like I'm not even the least bit attracted to that shit. I mean you know how they always talk about women who are SO attrcted to a nigga that's "off the market." Well not this one. Aint shit cool about fuckin a nigga you can't have whether you want to or not! That is whack as fuck and pretty gotdamn desperate if you ask me! Maybe I just think I'm haute shit. Yeah. Maybe. Humph.
So anyways went to the A for New Years right. Okay. Introduced me to his friends/bizness partners. MELIKEY! So I'm like HEY! No disrespect but you know...Imma do me! Well guess not if this bitch ass nigga is cock-blocking ALL fucking day & night! The hell?! He toting me around like I'm his armpiece and shit! "Oh lawd, help me, help me please!" That's what I was thinking but I remained cool! UNTIL this nigga hauls off & KISSES ME...ME...IN THE MOUTH...IN PUBLIC!!! I almost had a paroxysm in that hoe! "Oh JESUS, LAWD ON HIGH, WHY ME LAWD WHY ME?!" Lets get some shit straight. I don't like pub affection. No thanks. I kinda don't hardly like kissing. Bag up! Then this bitch not even my nigga "What in the holy hell are you doing sir?!" He talkin bout he "got caught up in the moment!" "Bitch you betta get up in that crazy bitch you just asked to marry you! Cus I aint the one...and that hoe has already tried me once! She might be crazy but I will get w/her crazy ass, if she gets wrong! Don't even...!" So anyways...night goes on...I got W A S T E D! So on the drive home...as we pull up to his house...he stops me like "Hold up, I really need to tell you something." I'm like "tell me in the house man! I have to relieve myself!" He's like "no, this can't wait...Shanette...I...I'm in love w/you.
Me:"29ue93ifajfjvhih9uf04Q3PRJFIEWJDJBFUSGW8yr30qrofeks/a*l.ojkl,9uhgn*YDvz9!!!" That's me actually having a conniption...so much so...that I vom'ed all in this man's G-wag! (HA) Poor wag! Naw but fa real. I did hurl. And I ran in the house. Hoped in the shower and jumped into bed...the guest bed, thanks! Not muttering a word. Next morning. Got my ass on the FIRST thing outta that hoe. Do ya hear me?! I don't fucking play around w/no gotdamn love shit man! I be scurred of that shit. Esp if I don't feel the same way...and I do NOT! He was callin, and calling, and calling, and texting and e-mailing! I was like "let it go brother, just let it go! I need time to even fig if Imma still be yo friend eva again in life!" That was January 1, 2007.
Fast Forward...September 21, 2007.
He calls. I don't answer.
He texts: "I'm in town, can I see you? Just a friendly dinner. Sushi?"
Aww damn...Sushi! My weakness!
I reply: "Aight. Coo. See you in a few."
He smelled yummy. Looked even better. DAYUM! Too bad I was looking the best! HA!
We ordered. Made small talk. The weather-lit. The current events. Football. Etc.
Got personal. How he & wifey are doing. Nope not married yet. He gave me an invite. I trashed it on the way out..."WHA?! I don't need that shit...I aint going! Why?! SO that bitch can be lookin @ me all sideways?! No fuckin thank you!" Its December 8th. He seemed excited. Weird. Anxious. I told him I wasn't coming but I'd send my gift. He said "I fig as much." I said "Good!" Then he asked about me and my life..."has anyone tamed you yet?" I said "Negative...next topic, thanks!" He laughged, nervously. Food came. We ate. Drank. I was a little tipsy. AS was he. *aww shit!* Here comes the Bullshit! He asked "why'd you run from me???" I said "wth did you expect me to do, say I love you back, kiss you and we make passionate love all night?!" He laughed, "No, but I @ least thought we could talk about it!" Me: "Why nigga, I was on like 12 shots of patron. I wasn't tryna talk about shit but them sheets homey!" Him: "Well you could've @ least let me explain. I wasn't tryna conquer you. I was just being honest!" Me: "Conquer me?! WTF am I a gotdamn quest?! Nigga please! I know you! And I know how much you like that nut basket bitch you marrying and I know you don't fucking love me...you might love HER (as in the girl between my legs-Ha! tHAT COMEBACK-toldja!) but, no you don't love ME! I ran for YO sake as well as mine!" Him: "Yeah, I know. I was so caught up! I really do think I love you, but I KNOW I love her (his nutty fiance')." Me: "Yeah I love you too...but I don't LOVE love you! I mean you know...you my nigga but you scurred the shit outta me w/that!" (Seems like errthing is going cool huh? Hold on...this is where shit takes a turn for the WORST!)Him: "So you never thought you were in love w/me?!" Me: "Hells fucking no! I know how to handle my emotions...I'm not a lil bitch...no pun intended!" Him: "I'm offended. I think you're lying. I don't believe you. It was more than just sex. It always was! Me: "Nigga iz you rollin or do you just WANT me to cuss yo ass out and hurt yo feelings?! 1st: the sex was NOT GREAT enuff for me to even get on that level of delusion. 2nd: you not even my type. 3rd: I fucked your friend homey!" That last one wasn't supposed to come out...blame it on the liquor. I could tell I struck a nerve. He started to twitch. The waiter came w/the ticket. He grabbed it and jetted towards the door. I looked around like "did this nigga just throw a fit?!" I checked my gloss. Retouched. Slipped on my shoe. Grabbed my purse & keys. Headed towards the door to find him outside crying like a BITCH! I laughed. "B, are you seriously crying homey?!" Him: "Shanette you are a horrible fucking person, you don't even know how much I care about you. I'd leave her (nutty fiance) for you, I'd give it all up for you (y'all should see my face). I just don't understand what a nigga has to do to be "dat nigga"!" I swear to god. I travelled outside of my body. Looked @ myself. Pointed & said bitch run for the hills. This nigga is nutz. "IS there a camera around?! Cus this shit is NOT real! WTH are you talkin about man?! I neva knew you was tryna be w/me like that. Hell. You aint neva say shit! Then you get a fiance' and I'm posed to be impressed cus you say you love me. Hell fuck no. Who do you think I am?! I aint none of these...blah blah blah!" He wigged out. Said fuck me. Hopped in his ride and jetted. I stood there in sheer and utter amazement. "WTF is this life I'm living?!" I thought to myself. *sighs* (I'm NOT that bad either, fuck him! He's a nut job! FA REAL!) Then he texted me this morning talkin bout "Sorry, he went off but I hurt him." I disregarded, honey...I aint got time for coo coo for cocoa puffs shit! GTFOH!
Man fuck these hoe ass niggas. I swear to god I was born into a generation of lying ass bitches and weak ass niggas! I'm better the fuck off A LONE shit! They all garbage! Niggas get a grip! Bitches get some dignity! I mean I'm jus saying. I'm sawry but I jus can't let niggas do whateva the fuck they want to me...hells no! I don't need y'all. Next thing I know. They'll be askn me some shit like be they serrogate mother, or counsel they marriage, or let me live w/you while we work shit out...you know? Some crazy Michael JAckson (Off the WAll) type shit! ...and I just can't do it! I swear to god! I can NOT!
...and on that note...I'm out...
Until we blog again...I'll be looking forward to October...@ least Fall's here! Thank God!
L8R homes!
~Sdotter!
September has been the worst fuckin month EVA!
I mean like really!
Its been so bad that I can't even cry about the shit!
That's how you know shit is bad when you've just zoned the fuck out, suck it up, and deal, like the shit is okay. Well gotdamnit! This shit is NOT okay! FUCK! I need vacay man, like yesterday! A massage like 3 weeks ago, and some head like a month ago! Real talk!
I mean. Shit is bad. The fam is crazier than eva. I'm on the edge man...I'm on the mufuckn edge. Swear to God. Don't gimme a reason or I'm jumpin the fuck off...not really...but you know.
*sighs*
Then I have had like 75 (BAD) encounters w/exes! Its like revenge of the fuckn ex! The hell?! GO A WAY! BEtta yet...Imma go away cus clearly I'm the fuckn prollum! CLEARLY!!! SHIT!
First...saw punk bitch dawg married ass C. Que, often referred to as the ex. Ugh I was so thoroughly annoyed by his presence. I mean like I lit wanted to vom! He was so outdone that I wouldn't give him the time of day. "No bitch! I'm ova yo dawg ass. Fuck you & an yo GOOD dick!" (LOL!) I swear to god I think I hate him...is that a sign I still have feelings for him??? I doubt it. But maybe. Not like "I wanna be w/him" type feelings. Just like "I still can't believe you fucked me over, cus I really did love you" type feelings. Always a possibility. Anyways. Seen dat nigga twice. Both times I skedaddled. I swear he just does NOT get it! I don't think he ever will. I could be married w/4 kids (please lawd! NO!) and dat nigga would still try me! Ugh! He's so fuckin egotistical! YUCK! Anywhoo...that was about the jist of our encounters.
Movin on...
Not sure if I've ever mentioned this guy, B who I was once friends; we got intimate & shit got crazy. Basically we've been friends since Junior High. We kinda lost touch in highschool. Even more so in college until one time I went to ATL for NBA All-Star weekend & we spotted each other amongst the enormous crowd of black folk! He was going to Morehouse. I was @ Dillard. We vowed to neva lose touch again (awwww). No really he was a really cool guy. So I was excited to see him and catch up and stuff.
Next time I saw him was about 6 months later in Memphis. Out. We had been talkin alot via e-mail and stuff. Just reg catch up chat. Well...this time he was kinda extra in my face. Kinda extra touch feely. I felt kinda weirded out but I blamed it on da liquor. Until...later that night he texted me and it wasn't a regular "how you doin" text...more like...how YOU doing (like Joey from Friends). So anywhoo...he kinda hooked up. The next day. I was like "aww shit that was not a good look Shanette." Well no IT was good but the fact that we did that...we didn't discuss it first...or nothing. But it seemed cool...he didn't trip & neither did I. This went on for like 2-3 years @ random...not often @ all...b/c he lived in the A & I was in the N.O.
Then he got a girl (she is a straight nut basket btw-from Cali-so you know how they are!). They got serious. We talked less. I got involved. It got serious. We rarely talked. Then I went to ATL and we saw each other out. We were both in limbo w/the "boos" so...you know how that turned out. Anyways...lemme get to the point...last new years he invited me to the A...mind you he's engaged...so I'm ALREADY set-up for failure. As I've stated b4 though. I don't do niggas w/gals. Like I'm not even the least bit attracted to that shit. I mean you know how they always talk about women who are SO attrcted to a nigga that's "off the market." Well not this one. Aint shit cool about fuckin a nigga you can't have whether you want to or not! That is whack as fuck and pretty gotdamn desperate if you ask me! Maybe I just think I'm haute shit. Yeah. Maybe. Humph.
So anyways went to the A for New Years right. Okay. Introduced me to his friends/bizness partners. MELIKEY! So I'm like HEY! No disrespect but you know...Imma do me! Well guess not if this bitch ass nigga is cock-blocking ALL fucking day & night! The hell?! He toting me around like I'm his armpiece and shit! "Oh lawd, help me, help me please!" That's what I was thinking but I remained cool! UNTIL this nigga hauls off & KISSES ME...ME...IN THE MOUTH...IN PUBLIC!!! I almost had a paroxysm in that hoe! "Oh JESUS, LAWD ON HIGH, WHY ME LAWD WHY ME?!" Lets get some shit straight. I don't like pub affection. No thanks. I kinda don't hardly like kissing. Bag up! Then this bitch not even my nigga "What in the holy hell are you doing sir?!" He talkin bout he "got caught up in the moment!" "Bitch you betta get up in that crazy bitch you just asked to marry you! Cus I aint the one...and that hoe has already tried me once! She might be crazy but I will get w/her crazy ass, if she gets wrong! Don't even...!" So anyways...night goes on...I got W A S T E D! So on the drive home...as we pull up to his house...he stops me like "Hold up, I really need to tell you something." I'm like "tell me in the house man! I have to relieve myself!" He's like "no, this can't wait...Shanette...I...I'm in love w/you.
Me:"29ue93ifajfjvhih9uf04Q3PRJFIEWJDJBFUSGW8yr30qrofeks/a*l.ojkl,9uhgn*YDvz9!!!" That's me actually having a conniption...so much so...that I vom'ed all in this man's G-wag! (HA) Poor wag! Naw but fa real. I did hurl. And I ran in the house. Hoped in the shower and jumped into bed...the guest bed, thanks! Not muttering a word. Next morning. Got my ass on the FIRST thing outta that hoe. Do ya hear me?! I don't fucking play around w/no gotdamn love shit man! I be scurred of that shit. Esp if I don't feel the same way...and I do NOT! He was callin, and calling, and calling, and texting and e-mailing! I was like "let it go brother, just let it go! I need time to even fig if Imma still be yo friend eva again in life!" That was January 1, 2007.
Fast Forward...September 21, 2007.
He calls. I don't answer.
He texts: "I'm in town, can I see you? Just a friendly dinner. Sushi?"
Aww damn...Sushi! My weakness!
I reply: "Aight. Coo. See you in a few."
He smelled yummy. Looked even better. DAYUM! Too bad I was looking the best! HA!
We ordered. Made small talk. The weather-lit. The current events. Football. Etc.
Got personal. How he & wifey are doing. Nope not married yet. He gave me an invite. I trashed it on the way out..."WHA?! I don't need that shit...I aint going! Why?! SO that bitch can be lookin @ me all sideways?! No fuckin thank you!" Its December 8th. He seemed excited. Weird. Anxious. I told him I wasn't coming but I'd send my gift. He said "I fig as much." I said "Good!" Then he asked about me and my life..."has anyone tamed you yet?" I said "Negative...next topic, thanks!" He laughged, nervously. Food came. We ate. Drank. I was a little tipsy. AS was he. *aww shit!* Here comes the Bullshit! He asked "why'd you run from me???" I said "wth did you expect me to do, say I love you back, kiss you and we make passionate love all night?!" He laughed, "No, but I @ least thought we could talk about it!" Me: "Why nigga, I was on like 12 shots of patron. I wasn't tryna talk about shit but them sheets homey!" Him: "Well you could've @ least let me explain. I wasn't tryna conquer you. I was just being honest!" Me: "Conquer me?! WTF am I a gotdamn quest?! Nigga please! I know you! And I know how much you like that nut basket bitch you marrying and I know you don't fucking love me...you might love HER (as in the girl between my legs-Ha! tHAT COMEBACK-toldja!) but, no you don't love ME! I ran for YO sake as well as mine!" Him: "Yeah, I know. I was so caught up! I really do think I love you, but I KNOW I love her (his nutty fiance')." Me: "Yeah I love you too...but I don't LOVE love you! I mean you know...you my nigga but you scurred the shit outta me w/that!" (Seems like errthing is going cool huh? Hold on...this is where shit takes a turn for the WORST!)Him: "So you never thought you were in love w/me?!" Me: "Hells fucking no! I know how to handle my emotions...I'm not a lil bitch...no pun intended!" Him: "I'm offended. I think you're lying. I don't believe you. It was more than just sex. It always was! Me: "Nigga iz you rollin or do you just WANT me to cuss yo ass out and hurt yo feelings?! 1st: the sex was NOT GREAT enuff for me to even get on that level of delusion. 2nd: you not even my type. 3rd: I fucked your friend homey!" That last one wasn't supposed to come out...blame it on the liquor. I could tell I struck a nerve. He started to twitch. The waiter came w/the ticket. He grabbed it and jetted towards the door. I looked around like "did this nigga just throw a fit?!" I checked my gloss. Retouched. Slipped on my shoe. Grabbed my purse & keys. Headed towards the door to find him outside crying like a BITCH! I laughed. "B, are you seriously crying homey?!" Him: "Shanette you are a horrible fucking person, you don't even know how much I care about you. I'd leave her (nutty fiance) for you, I'd give it all up for you (y'all should see my face). I just don't understand what a nigga has to do to be "dat nigga"!" I swear to god. I travelled outside of my body. Looked @ myself. Pointed & said bitch run for the hills. This nigga is nutz. "IS there a camera around?! Cus this shit is NOT real! WTH are you talkin about man?! I neva knew you was tryna be w/me like that. Hell. You aint neva say shit! Then you get a fiance' and I'm posed to be impressed cus you say you love me. Hell fuck no. Who do you think I am?! I aint none of these...blah blah blah!" He wigged out. Said fuck me. Hopped in his ride and jetted. I stood there in sheer and utter amazement. "WTF is this life I'm living?!" I thought to myself. *sighs* (I'm NOT that bad either, fuck him! He's a nut job! FA REAL!) Then he texted me this morning talkin bout "Sorry, he went off but I hurt him." I disregarded, honey...I aint got time for coo coo for cocoa puffs shit! GTFOH!
Man fuck these hoe ass niggas. I swear to god I was born into a generation of lying ass bitches and weak ass niggas! I'm better the fuck off A LONE shit! They all garbage! Niggas get a grip! Bitches get some dignity! I mean I'm jus saying. I'm sawry but I jus can't let niggas do whateva the fuck they want to me...hells no! I don't need y'all. Next thing I know. They'll be askn me some shit like be they serrogate mother, or counsel they marriage, or let me live w/you while we work shit out...you know? Some crazy Michael JAckson (Off the WAll) type shit! ...and I just can't do it! I swear to god! I can NOT!
...and on that note...I'm out...
Until we blog again...I'll be looking forward to October...@ least Fall's here! Thank God!
L8R homes!
~Sdotter!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
I think I think too much...
So when I orginally started this post I had like a whole lot to blog about...but...time passed and now that I actualy have time to type it...I have nothing...pretty crappy huh?!
Yeah, I think so too.
So. I'll just kinda make up some stuff about right now (9/20)...and see if anything comes back to me from several days ago when this post originated (9/16).
When I grow up I want a Whole Foods Market & Starbucks in my house...think that's feasible? (I'm @ Starbucks now...headed to Wild Oats<--knock off Whole Foods) Memphis doesn't have a Whole Foods...stupid Memphis!
I SO ♥s Seconds of Pleasure by Van Hunt.
"...life's little treasures."
I think I'm like the only person in the world who still listens to the group Playa...remember them...that Timbo, Ginuwine, Missy, Aaliyah clique...late 90s...Cheers 2 U?! Ringin any bells??? No?! Anh well! I ♥s them!
Okay so here's something boys should know...its 2007...girls like sex! We like it alot. We like it fast. We like it slow (well I kinda don't but you know...). We like it long-sex. We like it alot. We like it intense. We like it in the car. We like it in a bar. We like it alot. We like it w/syrup & butter...lol...okay not really, but that sounds fun, sticky, but fun. We like it in bed. We like it from behind (YES!). We like it alot. We like it w/no strings attached. We like just doing it & not talking about it. We like it everyday...lots of diff ways. We just like it...alot! We prolly like it more than you...@ least I know I do!
Sam(antha) I Am!
I screen ALL my damn phone calls. Shiiid! I don't be wanting to talk to nodamnbody!
Seriously. Not sure what that's about but I've been that way 4 like eva. I was neva one of those teens who was always on the phone. I was always online or reading a book or hanging w/my Mommy or Suder (awwww). I mean like The only people I actually like talking to on the phone like on a day to day is Krib-the BFF & "2nd chance" I can stand to talk to Nic-the crazy lady who bore my fav baby, like ever other day. Bets-my nigga, well she no like the phone either so no worries there. Besides we talk online & text all day. Sach-the LOML-maybe...sometimes...but we text ALL day...so no phone converse needed.
That's all though.
Boys, Boys, Boys, Boys...MeAdore...Boys, MedoAdore!
Until...they piss me off...then I be back in my fuck em girl mode.
I like em though. I like em alot (in an English accent...lol).
I like the way they feel. The way they touch...ME...that is.
I like the way they smell (Boom Chicka WAh WAH!-I don't actually like Axe though).
I like the way they tell...me...I'm the best!
I like the way they sound.
LOL! I like the way they pipe me down! HAHA!
Yeah I'm nasty! SO WHAT?! (I stole that from Nic)
Wanna know something?
K...here goes...
Up until recently I never faked orgasms.
Up until recently I never faked cumming.
(You guys do know there's a difference, right?)
I would just be like I mean "I came but it wasn't orgasmic."
Then Bets was like, "Hey Pops, that's not nice man, like you have to be a little more gentle, not so tuff man!" Me-"Bitch please!"
But no like really, hell I aint know. I mean I'm jus sayin. Don't ask me then. Or don't be looking @ me like how was it, cus Imma tell you.
OMGosh. I would have never thought I'd have to fake busting a nut<--is that too gross...sawry if it is...not really though.
Anywhoo...I got NO pleasure out of the act @ all! Are you fucking kidding me?!I was like "Oh Lawd, I repent Lawd, this aint even worth it!"
I swear I be lookin @ fat people like "Are you sure you wanna eat that?!" I mean I know that's not right or whatevs but hey, if I care, why don't you?!
Guess what, bitches! I'm Tall! 6 feet even to be exact (HAHA to all you short wannabe bitches)!
I swear I HATE when people ask (b/c I'm tall) if I play(ed)basketball or if I'm a model. I'm jus like "naw, but thanks, I guess." No. I really hate when people just stare & don't say shit! I mean. I'm like "PEOPLE! DO YOU KNOW THAT SHIT IS RUDE?! DO YOU KNOW?!" Okay, so maybe you're in awe. Maybe you're like "OMGosh she's TALL!" Wth fuck knows?! Cus see I'm in my mind & you're in yours. As smart as I am. I'm NOT a fucking mind reader...so stop staring bitches cus Idunno wtf y'all thinking in those rude little heads of yours! Ugh! I swear! Being tall is like the new haute shit (according to some white lady who came in Banana & saw me)-take that, take that(Puff Daddy)! Though I've been tall for like 23+ years now & the shit is pretty regular to me. The world is a trip aint it...well America...and according to the rest of the world we think we are THE world...but anywhoo...
I have serious issues w/people asking me questions...not sure why, though. I just know it literally pisses me off to like no end. I know that shit is crazy but I'm serious. I hate it. (Prolly why all my damn relationships fail...nay...its them!) I mostly have these issues during phone calls. I hate for people to call me and be like "Where are you?" (I'm thinking do want like exact intersections and shit?!) I'm like "Why gotdamnit! I'm where the fuck I'm @!" Oh NO! I REALLY hate "How long you gonna be?" Did you mufuckas know I AM a GROWN ass woman?! Did you?! Huh?! Well I am, shit! I think I kinda don't like "what you doing" either, but I know thats just too damn crazy so I'll let that one go. Questions I don't mind are...How are you? If you don't ask me how I am first. I am just automatically annoyed. I also don't mind "what did you eat today?", "how was your day?"...if that's weird...oh well damnit! Get over it!
Now this is something that drives me nutz but its SO crazy. Even I think its crazy. I HATE yawning & I HATE when other people yawn. I'm just like "dude that is the most random, dumbest shit ever...like seriously, wth is that shit about?!" Me no likey.
After I lost my virginity I wanted to have sex w/the boys I talked to while I was a virgin...lol...I didn't though. They be tryin and I be movin...right on roun! HA! Well cept for Jack ; ) he's special! "Hey Jack, where are you, you jerk!" I don't even think that nigga has an e-mail address! WTF does NOT have an e-mail address in 2007?! He still live in the New Jack City era-what's that the early 90s?!'Jack! You are seriously out of touch w/mufuckin reality, bruh! GIT!
I need to revisit & revise my game plan for getting out of Memphis...on today's agenda.
I can NOT wait until my b-day...not so much for the actual '24' part but for the celebration bitches! YEAYUH! Its goings D O W N in da H-TOWN...then off to NOLA! YAY!
If you see me in the streets...Udunno me!
I always wanted a nose ring but I HATE my nose. Been strongly considering rhinoplasty.
Used to have a tongue ring-btw. My BFF talked about me SO bad until I just took the bitch out...had it for like 2 years though.
*ahhh the life of the young, free, & uninhibited college student*
I miss NOLA!
I miss Mardi Gras. I miss Bourbon St. I miss la Madeleine's. I miss the Trolley Stop. I miss Robin's. I miss Slice. I miss the HOB. I miss the lake. I miss Raj. I miss Club Cameron-my house-where the party NEVA stopped. I miss the sno-ball stand. I miss the daiquiri shop. I miss Zimmers. I miss DU. *sighs*
Correction(9/21 @ 2:21 p.m.): The #1 reason I miss NOLA is Nic-the crazy lady who bore my fav baby, the Maddness, my #1!!! Oh how I ♥ them so! (Madd please don't grow up & be crazy like yo mama!)
I'm not having children. Ever. No. Thanks.
I'm going to write a book. In 2008. Will be finished by 2009. Out in 2010.
I'm getting a new job. Don't what kind. Don't know where. But I'm getting it. DASK is for the birds!
I'm getting some new jeans: R&Rs & TRs
I'm going back to school. Masters in English maybe? Thinking about fashion school. That sounds kinda "white-girlish" though. Think I wanna be buyer or something cool like that. Can I have cool job like Heidi on "The Hills"?! Huh God? I can?! YIPPEE!!!
This Biology degree sucks!I don;t even wanna be an MD anymore. Was thinking about a Masters in Biotech...then Law school. Patent Law maybe. But Iunno. Iunjusno.
What the hell do I wanna do w/my life?!
Jesus Christ, take the wheel cus this is drivin me NUTZ!
I'm moving by/b4 August 2008. D.C. maybe (though I've neva been). ATL maybe. STL maybe. Philly maybe. Who knows...but I'm gone come 8/08! Holla back M-town!
Think I don't have orgasms as much b/c I think too much during sex...lol...I don't make any noise...lol...Bets says that is some crazy shit! I mean what?! Okay. Fine! I'm working on it...but like for some reason that makes me lose focus when I start tryna incorporate sound...feels like I'm puttin on a gotdamn show!
I dislike phone sex. Only do it cus boys-haven't found a boy yet who doesn't-like it!
Dislike b/c I don't be wanting to say shit and Iun make noise and I need both my damn hands-tmi??? Sawry.
People get on my nerves. Like a lot. Heard I'm an asshole w/a bad attitude. Humph<--that's I say...and we ALL know what I say...GOES!
Thinking about givin in to "2nd chance". He offered...a uh...relationship. Okay wait nope. Not gonna do it...just typing it made me ill. Haven't been ab;e to tell anyone else about this yet...will tell Bets soon...scurred of her rxn. Here's a brief recap: 2C:"So I was thinking we should go ahead & stop bs'ing!" Me: Whatever do you mean?! I'm no bs'er! 2C: HA! No fa real. What you think? Me: Uhhh...I think...I need to think some more. 2C: Fine. But don't think too much! Me: Umph. I'll see what I can do.
I like somebody...he doesn't know though. Not "2nd chance" I'll prolly stop soon though. So I won't even bother tellin you who he is. He doesn't like sushi & he has an ugly name. The slightest/weirdest things turn me off...as you can read huh?
I know...I know. I be tryna do better but shit! *sighs*
Okay. I never did think of the stuff I was gonna blog about...so Imma jet...been in here (*bucks) far too long!
I need to read a book. As do you. Think Imma read...The Darkest Child by Dolores Phillips. Shouts out to clutch for keeping me on my shit! http://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/delores-phillips-author-of-the-darkest-child/
Did you guys know that I LUBS YE?! No like really! LUBS him to pieces! He ALWAYS knows jus what to say...I be like "DAYUM, homey that's how I'm feeling TOO!" Can't hardly not stand Cam'ron though (listening to Gone. Late Registration) He is so fucking WHACK...Ugh! Whack niggas...I swear I hate a whack nigga...I'm like Ye...all whack niggas should kill themselves...not really but you know...
Look @ us! I was SUPER excited too...lol...can't tell?! I'm kinda nonchalant. Sawry.
(...and yeah I was a blonde...for like a minute...literally...my hair fell out!)
OMGosh can y'all tell me wtf these folk moved Sex & the City from 11:05 to 1:05 AM-replaced it w/the Simpsons, then King of the Hill, then Jimmy Kimmel-like regular! I'm like "The fuck?! The Simpsons?!" ...and I like The Simpsons but not over SATC! If anyone, ANYONE would like to purchase me a b-day gift here's a thought: the SATC complete dvd set in the special lil case & all! OMGosh I'd be SO overjoyed! Like really!
Oh yeah. I'm wearing black today. In support of Jena 6.
"Racism's still alive...they just be concealing it!" ~Ye
Until we blog again...go check out eclectik-relaxation.com
My new fav spot to hang & catch a laugh. Hard to make me laugh so I be over there alot...find something gotta stick w/it...right? RigHT!
So anyways...its nodstalgic. its intriguing. its comical. its weird-my cup of tea. It kinda makes my day. Kinda.
Not to mention the author is a real piece of work-in a good way ; )
Though he ignores his commentators...boooooo!(j/k)
Did I forget to mention that I absolutely I HATE being ignored! Well, like I hate delayed responses! I mean why?! What's that about?! Just be like I'm busy right now or something...or be real short and I'll get the picture that yo dawg ass don't wanna talk, since you can't just say the shit! Niggas *rolls eyes*! (lol-that' what I do-btw-the real short thing-ha!)
Lemme tell you 1 more thing I hate...proofreading!!! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
So if you see errors...I'll fix em later. When I feel like it. Hell you do it then! Well sthu, bitches! : D
*Update-fixed em & added some stuff*
BTW-I gave y'all SO much today! Pics and all!
WOWZER! "Can I get that handclap?!"
L8R Losers!
~Sdotter!
Yeah, I think so too.
So. I'll just kinda make up some stuff about right now (9/20)...and see if anything comes back to me from several days ago when this post originated (9/16).
When I grow up I want a Whole Foods Market & Starbucks in my house...think that's feasible? (I'm @ Starbucks now...headed to Wild Oats<--knock off Whole Foods) Memphis doesn't have a Whole Foods...stupid Memphis!
I SO ♥s Seconds of Pleasure by Van Hunt.
"...life's little treasures."
I think I'm like the only person in the world who still listens to the group Playa...remember them...that Timbo, Ginuwine, Missy, Aaliyah clique...late 90s...Cheers 2 U?! Ringin any bells??? No?! Anh well! I ♥s them!
Okay so here's something boys should know...its 2007...girls like sex! We like it alot. We like it fast. We like it slow (well I kinda don't but you know...). We like it long-sex. We like it alot. We like it intense. We like it in the car. We like it in a bar. We like it alot. We like it w/syrup & butter...lol...okay not really, but that sounds fun, sticky, but fun. We like it in bed. We like it from behind (YES!). We like it alot. We like it w/no strings attached. We like just doing it & not talking about it. We like it everyday...lots of diff ways. We just like it...alot! We prolly like it more than you...@ least I know I do!
Sam(antha) I Am!
I screen ALL my damn phone calls. Shiiid! I don't be wanting to talk to nodamnbody!
Seriously. Not sure what that's about but I've been that way 4 like eva. I was neva one of those teens who was always on the phone. I was always online or reading a book or hanging w/my Mommy or Suder (awwww). I mean like The only people I actually like talking to on the phone like on a day to day is Krib-the BFF & "2nd chance" I can stand to talk to Nic-the crazy lady who bore my fav baby, like ever other day. Bets-my nigga, well she no like the phone either so no worries there. Besides we talk online & text all day. Sach-the LOML-maybe...sometimes...but we text ALL day...so no phone converse needed.
That's all though.
Boys, Boys, Boys, Boys...MeAdore...Boys, MedoAdore!
Until...they piss me off...then I be back in my fuck em girl mode.
I like em though. I like em alot (in an English accent...lol).
I like the way they feel. The way they touch...ME...that is.
I like the way they smell (Boom Chicka WAh WAH!-I don't actually like Axe though).
I like the way they tell...me...I'm the best!
I like the way they sound.
LOL! I like the way they pipe me down! HAHA!
Yeah I'm nasty! SO WHAT?! (I stole that from Nic)
Wanna know something?
K...here goes...
Up until recently I never faked orgasms.
Up until recently I never faked cumming.
(You guys do know there's a difference, right?)
I would just be like I mean "I came but it wasn't orgasmic."
Then Bets was like, "Hey Pops, that's not nice man, like you have to be a little more gentle, not so tuff man!" Me-"Bitch please!"
But no like really, hell I aint know. I mean I'm jus sayin. Don't ask me then. Or don't be looking @ me like how was it, cus Imma tell you.
OMGosh. I would have never thought I'd have to fake busting a nut<--is that too gross...sawry if it is...not really though.
Anywhoo...I got NO pleasure out of the act @ all! Are you fucking kidding me?!I was like "Oh Lawd, I repent Lawd, this aint even worth it!"
I swear I be lookin @ fat people like "Are you sure you wanna eat that?!" I mean I know that's not right or whatevs but hey, if I care, why don't you?!
Guess what, bitches! I'm Tall! 6 feet even to be exact (HAHA to all you short wannabe bitches)!
I swear I HATE when people ask (b/c I'm tall) if I play(ed)basketball or if I'm a model. I'm jus like "naw, but thanks, I guess." No. I really hate when people just stare & don't say shit! I mean. I'm like "PEOPLE! DO YOU KNOW THAT SHIT IS RUDE?! DO YOU KNOW?!" Okay, so maybe you're in awe. Maybe you're like "OMGosh she's TALL!" Wth fuck knows?! Cus see I'm in my mind & you're in yours. As smart as I am. I'm NOT a fucking mind reader...so stop staring bitches cus Idunno wtf y'all thinking in those rude little heads of yours! Ugh! I swear! Being tall is like the new haute shit (according to some white lady who came in Banana & saw me)-take that, take that(Puff Daddy)! Though I've been tall for like 23+ years now & the shit is pretty regular to me. The world is a trip aint it...well America...and according to the rest of the world we think we are THE world...but anywhoo...
I have serious issues w/people asking me questions...not sure why, though. I just know it literally pisses me off to like no end. I know that shit is crazy but I'm serious. I hate it. (Prolly why all my damn relationships fail...nay...its them!) I mostly have these issues during phone calls. I hate for people to call me and be like "Where are you?" (I'm thinking do want like exact intersections and shit?!) I'm like "Why gotdamnit! I'm where the fuck I'm @!" Oh NO! I REALLY hate "How long you gonna be?" Did you mufuckas know I AM a GROWN ass woman?! Did you?! Huh?! Well I am, shit! I think I kinda don't like "what you doing" either, but I know thats just too damn crazy so I'll let that one go. Questions I don't mind are...How are you? If you don't ask me how I am first. I am just automatically annoyed. I also don't mind "what did you eat today?", "how was your day?"...if that's weird...oh well damnit! Get over it!
Now this is something that drives me nutz but its SO crazy. Even I think its crazy. I HATE yawning & I HATE when other people yawn. I'm just like "dude that is the most random, dumbest shit ever...like seriously, wth is that shit about?!" Me no likey.
After I lost my virginity I wanted to have sex w/the boys I talked to while I was a virgin...lol...I didn't though. They be tryin and I be movin...right on roun! HA! Well cept for Jack ; ) he's special! "Hey Jack, where are you, you jerk!" I don't even think that nigga has an e-mail address! WTF does NOT have an e-mail address in 2007?! He still live in the New Jack City era-what's that the early 90s?!'Jack! You are seriously out of touch w/mufuckin reality, bruh! GIT!
I need to revisit & revise my game plan for getting out of Memphis...on today's agenda.
I can NOT wait until my b-day...not so much for the actual '24' part but for the celebration bitches! YEAYUH! Its goings D O W N in da H-TOWN...then off to NOLA! YAY!
If you see me in the streets...Udunno me!
I always wanted a nose ring but I HATE my nose. Been strongly considering rhinoplasty.
Used to have a tongue ring-btw. My BFF talked about me SO bad until I just took the bitch out...had it for like 2 years though.
*ahhh the life of the young, free, & uninhibited college student*
I miss NOLA!
I miss Mardi Gras. I miss Bourbon St. I miss la Madeleine's. I miss the Trolley Stop. I miss Robin's. I miss Slice. I miss the HOB. I miss the lake. I miss Raj. I miss Club Cameron-my house-where the party NEVA stopped. I miss the sno-ball stand. I miss the daiquiri shop. I miss Zimmers. I miss DU. *sighs*
Correction(9/21 @ 2:21 p.m.): The #1 reason I miss NOLA is Nic-the crazy lady who bore my fav baby, the Maddness, my #1!!! Oh how I ♥ them so! (Madd please don't grow up & be crazy like yo mama!)
I'm not having children. Ever. No. Thanks.
I'm going to write a book. In 2008. Will be finished by 2009. Out in 2010.
I'm getting a new job. Don't what kind. Don't know where. But I'm getting it. DASK is for the birds!
I'm getting some new jeans: R&Rs & TRs
I'm going back to school. Masters in English maybe? Thinking about fashion school. That sounds kinda "white-girlish" though. Think I wanna be buyer or something cool like that. Can I have cool job like Heidi on "The Hills"?! Huh God? I can?! YIPPEE!!!
This Biology degree sucks!I don;t even wanna be an MD anymore. Was thinking about a Masters in Biotech...then Law school. Patent Law maybe. But Iunno. Iunjusno.
What the hell do I wanna do w/my life?!
Jesus Christ, take the wheel cus this is drivin me NUTZ!
I'm moving by/b4 August 2008. D.C. maybe (though I've neva been). ATL maybe. STL maybe. Philly maybe. Who knows...but I'm gone come 8/08! Holla back M-town!
Think I don't have orgasms as much b/c I think too much during sex...lol...I don't make any noise...lol...Bets says that is some crazy shit! I mean what?! Okay. Fine! I'm working on it...but like for some reason that makes me lose focus when I start tryna incorporate sound...feels like I'm puttin on a gotdamn show!
I dislike phone sex. Only do it cus boys-haven't found a boy yet who doesn't-like it!
Dislike b/c I don't be wanting to say shit and Iun make noise and I need both my damn hands-tmi??? Sawry.
People get on my nerves. Like a lot. Heard I'm an asshole w/a bad attitude. Humph<--that's I say...and we ALL know what I say...GOES!
Thinking about givin in to "2nd chance". He offered...a uh...relationship. Okay wait nope. Not gonna do it...just typing it made me ill. Haven't been ab;e to tell anyone else about this yet...will tell Bets soon...scurred of her rxn. Here's a brief recap: 2C:"So I was thinking we should go ahead & stop bs'ing!" Me: Whatever do you mean?! I'm no bs'er! 2C: HA! No fa real. What you think? Me: Uhhh...I think...I need to think some more. 2C: Fine. But don't think too much! Me: Umph. I'll see what I can do.
I like somebody...he doesn't know though. Not "2nd chance" I'll prolly stop soon though. So I won't even bother tellin you who he is. He doesn't like sushi & he has an ugly name. The slightest/weirdest things turn me off...as you can read huh?
I know...I know. I be tryna do better but shit! *sighs*
Okay. I never did think of the stuff I was gonna blog about...so Imma jet...been in here (*bucks) far too long!
I need to read a book. As do you. Think Imma read...The Darkest Child by Dolores Phillips. Shouts out to clutch for keeping me on my shit! http://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/delores-phillips-author-of-the-darkest-child/
Did you guys know that I LUBS YE?! No like really! LUBS him to pieces! He ALWAYS knows jus what to say...I be like "DAYUM, homey that's how I'm feeling TOO!" Can't hardly not stand Cam'ron though (listening to Gone. Late Registration) He is so fucking WHACK...Ugh! Whack niggas...I swear I hate a whack nigga...I'm like Ye...all whack niggas should kill themselves...not really but you know...
Look @ us! I was SUPER excited too...lol...can't tell?! I'm kinda nonchalant. Sawry.
(...and yeah I was a blonde...for like a minute...literally...my hair fell out!)
OMGosh can y'all tell me wtf these folk moved Sex & the City from 11:05 to 1:05 AM-replaced it w/the Simpsons, then King of the Hill, then Jimmy Kimmel-like regular! I'm like "The fuck?! The Simpsons?!" ...and I like The Simpsons but not over SATC! If anyone, ANYONE would like to purchase me a b-day gift here's a thought: the SATC complete dvd set in the special lil case & all! OMGosh I'd be SO overjoyed! Like really!
Oh yeah. I'm wearing black today. In support of Jena 6.
"Racism's still alive...they just be concealing it!" ~Ye
Until we blog again...go check out eclectik-relaxation.com
My new fav spot to hang & catch a laugh. Hard to make me laugh so I be over there alot...find something gotta stick w/it...right? RigHT!
So anyways...its nodstalgic. its intriguing. its comical. its weird-my cup of tea. It kinda makes my day. Kinda.
Not to mention the author is a real piece of work-in a good way ; )
Though he ignores his commentators...boooooo!(j/k)
Did I forget to mention that I absolutely I HATE being ignored! Well, like I hate delayed responses! I mean why?! What's that about?! Just be like I'm busy right now or something...or be real short and I'll get the picture that yo dawg ass don't wanna talk, since you can't just say the shit! Niggas *rolls eyes*! (lol-that' what I do-btw-the real short thing-ha!)
Lemme tell you 1 more thing I hate...proofreading!!! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
So if you see errors...I'll fix em later. When I feel like it. Hell you do it then! Well sthu, bitches! : D
*Update-fixed em & added some stuff*
BTW-I gave y'all SO much today! Pics and all!
WOWZER! "Can I get that handclap?!"
L8R Losers!
~Sdotter!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
No one???
Is it just me-this has nothing to do w/today's post btw-or do you like stop liking an artist as much when they get too much media coverage?! Maybe I have issues w/everyone knowing them so I don't feel like its my own exclusive shit anymore. You know I'm a Scorpio so we have that slick jealousy thing tuff! Like Bey. Good i.e. b/c I really ♥ Bey! I mean like really. But I'll be damned if that bitch is NOT working my nerves! I am SO over her right now, on today. Please hoe, go sit D O W N! DAYUM! Let me miss you man! So I can be excited to see you but hell if I just saw you yesterday then shit I don't wanna see you today & tomorrow too HELL! I mean I'm jus saying...but hey maybe that's just ME. Prolly so huh?! Since errbody ♥ Bey *rolls eyes*! Like okay when John Legend was underground or whatevs. Like I was ♥ing him SO much. Then he got all "famous" and now. I mean. I still like him. I just don't love him as much. Like Alicia Keys. After she had come out. She was just starting to get a lil attention. I liked her a lot. Now. I be like "Lawd! I wish they would STOP hyping this girl up! We get it! She can sing. She can write. She can play. She's talented! OKAY OKAY!" Well. Kinda. Until she puts out something new. Then I get excited again. Which brings me to today's post. Brought to in part by Ms. Keys, herself with the new shit No One, which-btw-is what it is. Hate her or love her. The girl is talented. Undeniable talent...until she starts getting on my nerves...lol!
Anywhoo...so no...I'm not doing another Listen UP! today b/c Imma assume y'all have heard the song & pretty familar w/the jist. (If not...you really needs to do betta! No like really!)
Its not really applicable-Well...yeah. No. It's not-so I'll leave it @ that & keep it moving.
So...I was jammin-literally-to the song today. Thinking to myself. I wonder how it feels to be in such blissful love that no one can get in the way of what you're feeling?! That is some scurry shit for me man! Then I thought. Wait! I'm the mufucka gettin in my own gotdamn way! The hell man?!?! I think I might slick be a punk! That was REALLY hard for me to say-like OUCH! But I seriously think I am! AAARRRGGGHHH! I think I get in my own damn way in more than 1 aspect of life.
Such a G but STAY bitchin up! Now that shit does NOT add up!
I swear I needs to DO BETTA man! UGH! I'm trying! I swear I am!
Okay. Fine. Give "2nd chance"...a real chance. FINE! GOTDAMNIT! FINE! *sighs* You-self-better be right too-or I'm not givin the next nigga NO slack! FUCK that SHIT-hell! Somebody's gotta pay roun here! Okay fine! I will do betta about budgeting my $$$. Okay fine! I'll do betta about handlin my bizness! Okay fine! I'll do betta about GTFO Memphis!
Imma jus do betta. DAYUM! Self-evaluation is TUFF! *sighs*
Tomorrow's agenda-DO BETTA, taking it one day @ a time b/c no one can get in your way but YOU, Sdot!
Until we blog again...I'm off to do worse fo I do betta...got about 2 hrs to do so...will keep you posted on my betterment! YAHH!
POB!
~Sdot
Anywhoo...so no...I'm not doing another Listen UP! today b/c Imma assume y'all have heard the song & pretty familar w/the jist. (If not...you really needs to do betta! No like really!)
Its not really applicable-Well...yeah. No. It's not-so I'll leave it @ that & keep it moving.
So...I was jammin-literally-to the song today. Thinking to myself. I wonder how it feels to be in such blissful love that no one can get in the way of what you're feeling?! That is some scurry shit for me man! Then I thought. Wait! I'm the mufucka gettin in my own gotdamn way! The hell man?!?! I think I might slick be a punk! That was REALLY hard for me to say-like OUCH! But I seriously think I am! AAARRRGGGHHH! I think I get in my own damn way in more than 1 aspect of life.
Such a G but STAY bitchin up! Now that shit does NOT add up!
I swear I needs to DO BETTA man! UGH! I'm trying! I swear I am!
Okay. Fine. Give "2nd chance"...a real chance. FINE! GOTDAMNIT! FINE! *sighs* You-self-better be right too-or I'm not givin the next nigga NO slack! FUCK that SHIT-hell! Somebody's gotta pay roun here! Okay fine! I will do betta about budgeting my $$$. Okay fine! I'll do betta about handlin my bizness! Okay fine! I'll do betta about GTFO Memphis!
Imma jus do betta. DAYUM! Self-evaluation is TUFF! *sighs*
Tomorrow's agenda-DO BETTA, taking it one day @ a time b/c no one can get in your way but YOU, Sdot!
Until we blog again...I'm off to do worse fo I do betta...got about 2 hrs to do so...will keep you posted on my betterment! YAHH!
POB!
~Sdot
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Listen UP!
I feel so...misunderstood. Like I feel like I don't even understand me anymore!
...and that's NOT okay. Like @ all.
*sighs* Idunno what's going on w/me man...Iunjusno.
Fortunately Com does so...today's Listen Up! is...
Common's Misunderstood off his latest Finding Forever.
BTW-If you don't have it...you're tuhrippin! FA REAL!
Baby, you understand me now
If sometimes you see that I'm mad
No one can always be an angel
When everything goes wrong you see some bad
Well I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
[Common]
Yeah, uh (Misunderstood)
We do this, for the people that walk that path
Tryna get to their dream, yeah, uh (oh)
He stood on the corner with the rest of them
Though he knew that this corner wasn't the best of him
Hard streets and a life that crested him
Dirt police domestic beefs that's festerin
He knew the President wadn't addressin him
Though dead presidents was undressin him
Two kids from hot sex no protection and
People don't see how AIDS is affectin 'em
It get hard to get the get the God question in
Can't find a job so you robbin and hustlin
He killed marks and sold dope for cousin 'em
Can't believe they would be the ones bucking him
He on the ground he could feel God touching him
He heard the sound of his moms sayin trust in him
At heaven's gate, saying please Lord let me in
Or send me back to tell my people to be better men
[Chorus]
Misunderstood
'Cause we are - Misunderstood
Misunderstood, Don't let me be misunderstood
I'm just human, oh
[Common]
Uh, yeah
She dancin she dance she dance for them
Her body move but her mind was manic'n
Thinkin I don't know where they hands have been
Relationships with men have been so damagin
She thought back to when she was at Howard and
Dreams of doing scenes with Terrence Howard and
Broadway plays and dancin with Alv and them
The ones that make it always ain't the talented
Some dreams get lost never to be found again
At first strippin seemed so empowerin
Most every girl wanna do it now and then
But bein meat every day is devourin
Cats puttin paper where she put powder and
Life would break her, now she powderin
She was high when she fell down and then
Crowd surrounding and, heart was poundin and
She fell into a deep sleep the siren sounded and
Seen bright lights in the midst of clouds and then
Talked to God, feeling like his child again
Said Lord let me live so I can make you proud again
[Chorus]
The life we lead, will always lead us
And we pray that he, will never leave us
It's the price we pay, I guess that's the reason
Why my grandma sang, we all need Jesus [2x]
Misunderstood, don't let me be, misunderstood
Misunderstood, don't let me be, misunderstood
I'm just human
Until we blog again...
I'm blowing this popsicle stand!
POB!
~Sdot
...and that's NOT okay. Like @ all.
*sighs* Idunno what's going on w/me man...Iunjusno.
Fortunately Com does so...today's Listen Up! is...
Common's Misunderstood off his latest Finding Forever.
BTW-If you don't have it...you're tuhrippin! FA REAL!
Baby, you understand me now
If sometimes you see that I'm mad
No one can always be an angel
When everything goes wrong you see some bad
Well I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
[Common]
Yeah, uh (Misunderstood)
We do this, for the people that walk that path
Tryna get to their dream, yeah, uh (oh)
He stood on the corner with the rest of them
Though he knew that this corner wasn't the best of him
Hard streets and a life that crested him
Dirt police domestic beefs that's festerin
He knew the President wadn't addressin him
Though dead presidents was undressin him
Two kids from hot sex no protection and
People don't see how AIDS is affectin 'em
It get hard to get the get the God question in
Can't find a job so you robbin and hustlin
He killed marks and sold dope for cousin 'em
Can't believe they would be the ones bucking him
He on the ground he could feel God touching him
He heard the sound of his moms sayin trust in him
At heaven's gate, saying please Lord let me in
Or send me back to tell my people to be better men
[Chorus]
Misunderstood
'Cause we are - Misunderstood
Misunderstood, Don't let me be misunderstood
I'm just human, oh
[Common]
Uh, yeah
She dancin she dance she dance for them
Her body move but her mind was manic'n
Thinkin I don't know where they hands have been
Relationships with men have been so damagin
She thought back to when she was at Howard and
Dreams of doing scenes with Terrence Howard and
Broadway plays and dancin with Alv and them
The ones that make it always ain't the talented
Some dreams get lost never to be found again
At first strippin seemed so empowerin
Most every girl wanna do it now and then
But bein meat every day is devourin
Cats puttin paper where she put powder and
Life would break her, now she powderin
She was high when she fell down and then
Crowd surrounding and, heart was poundin and
She fell into a deep sleep the siren sounded and
Seen bright lights in the midst of clouds and then
Talked to God, feeling like his child again
Said Lord let me live so I can make you proud again
[Chorus]
The life we lead, will always lead us
And we pray that he, will never leave us
It's the price we pay, I guess that's the reason
Why my grandma sang, we all need Jesus [2x]
Misunderstood, don't let me be, misunderstood
Misunderstood, don't let me be, misunderstood
I'm just human
Until we blog again...
I'm blowing this popsicle stand!
POB!
~Sdot
Sunday, September 9, 2007
In the Worst Kinda Way.
Today's post is brought to you in part by Erykah Badu's I Want You from her last release Worldwide Underground. BTW-Ms. Badu, WHERE ARE YOU?! You're long overdue for a new release! HURRY! HURRY! We're gettin impatient!
Anywhoo...back to the topic.
I was thinking today on my way home from work, btw-work on Sundays is for SUCKAS! I swear I needs to do BETTA!!!
So yeah. Driving. Listening. Thinking. Wondering. If I have ever wanted someone in the worst kinda way...hmmm???
I mean that's some SERIOUS wanting. Like I don't be believing folk when they be like I want you SO bad...
I mean yeah I'm confident. A little arrogant...well no vain maybe. But I still be like "man, get outta here w/that mess! Ain't nobody believin you roun here! Sell that dream to the next dodo"
I guess b/c for 1: I thought that kinda want wasn't possible.
Like when I was a kid.
I wantED:
A sega.
A Barbie Dollhouse.
A puppy.
A horse.
To move back to St. Louis
Now.
I WANT:
A new job real bad.
Some new jeans.
Lots of money.
My transcript.
Sex on demand.
Oooh oooh I REALLY want a Range Rover!!!
Some of these things I've gotten & some I'll get but even if I didn't/don't I'm aight b/c I don't want any of those in the worst kinda way...oh wait maybe there is 1 thing...I want to GTFO of Memphis like SO bad!!! But I still don't think its in the worst kinda way. That to me means like I want it SO bad I feel like Imma die. I want it SO bad...its literally ALL I think of. I want it SO bad...by any means necessary Imma get it. Like that there. Is a fa REAL WANT! (Wait. Maybe. I DO! Wanna get outta Memphis that bad! Gosh! This place is AWFUL!)
Think I might've reached that point.
Well no wait. Not Imma die. More like...Idunno...feel like Imma be sick. Maybe.
Shocked?!
Yeah. Me too.
Scared! More than anything though.
"2nd chance"
I like literally can't control my thoughts.
And I NEED control!
I want to NOT like him SO bad!
Weird? I know.
Its just that...I'm not ready.
Not mentally.
Though. I want him more than anyone I've ever wanted...even this one guy in NOLA-TU-football-"What yo name iz?!SHAWTY"...lol!
That was a sexual want though. I think this is more.
I want him. Yet I've experienced the sexual...and as you know...its NOT what it is...hence I'm confused.
If its not the sex I want. What is it???
Iunno. Iunjusno. I'm afraid to even fig it out!
I do know. When I see him. I want him like its my first time seeing him. Like I forgot the sex is awful. Like nothing else matters. Like no one else is around. Like I'm not even me...
...I'm someone else pretending to be me who looks, like me, dresses like me, acks like me, but doesn't quite feel like me.
But I like it...not enuff to give in...yet.
But just enuff to be really nervous!
I SO wanna NOT like him!
Someone said you can't jus stop liking someone.
I was like "UGH, WHAT?! Yeah you can!"
My Mommy always told me I could do anything I want as long as I put my mind to it!
So...I think I might...do just that...I'll let you know how that goes...or not.
If I don't that means...it didn't go well...if I do...it went okay???
Not really...but you know....wait didn't I try this once already...oh Lawd...think I'm STILL just...uh...being In too Deep! Maybe my friend was right...???
*sighs* Jesus Lawd on High...HELP ME HELP ME PLEASE!!!
My mind's playin tricks on me!
Until we blog again...
I'm blowing
&
praying
&
hoping
&
wishing!
Getting it Togetha
~Sdot
Anywhoo...back to the topic.
I was thinking today on my way home from work, btw-work on Sundays is for SUCKAS! I swear I needs to do BETTA!!!
So yeah. Driving. Listening. Thinking. Wondering. If I have ever wanted someone in the worst kinda way...hmmm???
I mean that's some SERIOUS wanting. Like I don't be believing folk when they be like I want you SO bad...
I mean yeah I'm confident. A little arrogant...well no vain maybe. But I still be like "man, get outta here w/that mess! Ain't nobody believin you roun here! Sell that dream to the next dodo"
I guess b/c for 1: I thought that kinda want wasn't possible.
Like when I was a kid.
I wantED:
A sega.
A Barbie Dollhouse.
A puppy.
A horse.
To move back to St. Louis
Now.
I WANT:
A new job real bad.
Some new jeans.
Lots of money.
My transcript.
Sex on demand.
Oooh oooh I REALLY want a Range Rover!!!
Some of these things I've gotten & some I'll get but even if I didn't/don't I'm aight b/c I don't want any of those in the worst kinda way...oh wait maybe there is 1 thing...I want to GTFO of Memphis like SO bad!!! But I still don't think its in the worst kinda way. That to me means like I want it SO bad I feel like Imma die. I want it SO bad...its literally ALL I think of. I want it SO bad...by any means necessary Imma get it. Like that there. Is a fa REAL WANT! (Wait. Maybe. I DO! Wanna get outta Memphis that bad! Gosh! This place is AWFUL!)
Think I might've reached that point.
Well no wait. Not Imma die. More like...Idunno...feel like Imma be sick. Maybe.
Shocked?!
Yeah. Me too.
Scared! More than anything though.
"2nd chance"
I like literally can't control my thoughts.
And I NEED control!
I want to NOT like him SO bad!
Weird? I know.
Its just that...I'm not ready.
Not mentally.
Though. I want him more than anyone I've ever wanted...even this one guy in NOLA-TU-football-"What yo name iz?!SHAWTY"...lol!
That was a sexual want though. I think this is more.
I want him. Yet I've experienced the sexual...and as you know...its NOT what it is...hence I'm confused.
If its not the sex I want. What is it???
Iunno. Iunjusno. I'm afraid to even fig it out!
I do know. When I see him. I want him like its my first time seeing him. Like I forgot the sex is awful. Like nothing else matters. Like no one else is around. Like I'm not even me...
...I'm someone else pretending to be me who looks, like me, dresses like me, acks like me, but doesn't quite feel like me.
But I like it...not enuff to give in...yet.
But just enuff to be really nervous!
I SO wanna NOT like him!
Someone said you can't jus stop liking someone.
I was like "UGH, WHAT?! Yeah you can!"
My Mommy always told me I could do anything I want as long as I put my mind to it!
So...I think I might...do just that...I'll let you know how that goes...or not.
If I don't that means...it didn't go well...if I do...it went okay???
Not really...but you know....wait didn't I try this once already...oh Lawd...think I'm STILL just...uh...being In too Deep! Maybe my friend was right...???
*sighs* Jesus Lawd on High...HELP ME HELP ME PLEASE!!!
My mind's playin tricks on me!
Until we blog again...
I'm blowing
&
praying
&
hoping
&
wishing!
Getting it Togetha
~Sdot
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
What's THAT about???
So like I was thinkin...about sex (yes I think about sex ALOT...SO! Shet up!) & who I can have it with...since I have no J.O. & like ALL my damn exes are practically off the market ( I jus don't "do" folk w/gals...why? b/c hey I've been somebody's gal...and that shit ain't coo<--being cheated on...so I refuse contribute to the cheating!)
Then I started thinking why in the holy hell is errbody getting married??? No like really! What's THAT about???
Then I started thinking...why are ALL my exes married???
Like what does that mean, eggzactly???
What does THAT say about ME???
No like really. Lets see...5 out of like 7 guys I've talked to kinda seriously are engaged or married! What is that like 72% or some shit (my math skills are kinda rusty so...check it out). I mean not to like brag or anything but I went in & did some MAJOR damage control! I mean like no really I upgraded them to like husband material. Guess that's my bad huh?! Ugh! I swear I hate that shit more than actually being cheated on...so what they're my leftovers...they're good leftovers. Why? B/c I had em!
The shit that kills me is...they want me to be wifey's friend. Yet they still wanna be my friend. Slick have an affair. I'm like WTF am I living in the gotdamn Twilight Zone?! Sheesh!
Seriously though. I wonder if I'm only: "girlfriend" material. Or even "friend" material. Right now I seem to be the following: "Really good friend but I kinda wanna fuck you really bad (& possibly jeopardize the friendship)"; or "a down ass chick...4ever & ever" or "friend w/benefits w/the possibility of a relationship". So basically I'm like a gotdamn spades hand...something like...a handful of strong possibles. Not bad. Just not GREAT. More like risky...unpredictable...is that me??? Risky. Unpredictable.
Oh the uncertainty!
But no like really...how am I supposed to feel about that?
Not to say I'm ready for marriage.
In fact I'm quite frightened by the thought.
Not to mention those 3 little words make me cringe!
I'm jus saying.
Why not me? Why wasn't I that girl? You know?
Jus wonderin.
Well I actually I have been proposed to...lol...Jack has been asking to wife me for like 4 years or some shit. HA! I'd be a fucking fool...and okay. I'm kinda vain but I know I have my faults but I am NOT by far a FOOL!
I love (cringing) Jack as much as I can possibly love a man (other than Jesus Christ and my Dad) but that's all. I just love Jack. I care about him. I want him to be happy. But Jack doesn't make me happy (and if there is one thing I'm on a non-stop mission for in life is HAPPINESS). In fact. Jack makes my damn head hurt. So I love ME far too much to settle (sawry Jack) for such a life. Esp. when I KNOW I'm worth SO much more!
Ya dig?!
Oh well. Maybe jus maybe I'll get married one fine day. And maybe jus maybe he'll be all I desire & more. And maybe jus maybe I'll love him for who he is (pre-upgrade *te he he*). And oh lawd please maybe jus maybe he'll love me for me b/c I swear this ALL I can be! Take it! Or. Leave it! And to all you punk bitches who left it (fig. & lit. speaking)...that's yo bad bitch but I love ya anyhow for making me betta. When I made YOU betta it made me best. And what's betta than best? NOT A DAMN THING! Why? b/c I gots that Comeback...HA...no like really...I mean. I'm jus saying...the proof is in the pudding...YUM ; )
Then again. Maybe jus maybe I'll not get married and I'll be okay w/that. Iunno. Iunjusno.
...and on that note...I'm blowing!
Until we blog again...
POB!
~Sdot
Then I started thinking why in the holy hell is errbody getting married??? No like really! What's THAT about???
Then I started thinking...why are ALL my exes married???
Like what does that mean, eggzactly???
What does THAT say about ME???
No like really. Lets see...5 out of like 7 guys I've talked to kinda seriously are engaged or married! What is that like 72% or some shit (my math skills are kinda rusty so...check it out). I mean not to like brag or anything but I went in & did some MAJOR damage control! I mean like no really I upgraded them to like husband material. Guess that's my bad huh?! Ugh! I swear I hate that shit more than actually being cheated on...so what they're my leftovers...they're good leftovers. Why? B/c I had em!
The shit that kills me is...they want me to be wifey's friend. Yet they still wanna be my friend. Slick have an affair. I'm like WTF am I living in the gotdamn Twilight Zone?! Sheesh!
Seriously though. I wonder if I'm only: "girlfriend" material. Or even "friend" material. Right now I seem to be the following: "Really good friend but I kinda wanna fuck you really bad (& possibly jeopardize the friendship)"; or "a down ass chick...4ever & ever" or "friend w/benefits w/the possibility of a relationship". So basically I'm like a gotdamn spades hand...something like...a handful of strong possibles. Not bad. Just not GREAT. More like risky...unpredictable...is that me??? Risky. Unpredictable.
Oh the uncertainty!
But no like really...how am I supposed to feel about that?
Not to say I'm ready for marriage.
In fact I'm quite frightened by the thought.
Not to mention those 3 little words make me cringe!
I'm jus saying.
Why not me? Why wasn't I that girl? You know?
Jus wonderin.
Well I actually I have been proposed to...lol...Jack has been asking to wife me for like 4 years or some shit. HA! I'd be a fucking fool...and okay. I'm kinda vain but I know I have my faults but I am NOT by far a FOOL!
I love (cringing) Jack as much as I can possibly love a man (other than Jesus Christ and my Dad) but that's all. I just love Jack. I care about him. I want him to be happy. But Jack doesn't make me happy (and if there is one thing I'm on a non-stop mission for in life is HAPPINESS). In fact. Jack makes my damn head hurt. So I love ME far too much to settle (sawry Jack) for such a life. Esp. when I KNOW I'm worth SO much more!
Ya dig?!
Oh well. Maybe jus maybe I'll get married one fine day. And maybe jus maybe he'll be all I desire & more. And maybe jus maybe I'll love him for who he is (pre-upgrade *te he he*). And oh lawd please maybe jus maybe he'll love me for me b/c I swear this ALL I can be! Take it! Or. Leave it! And to all you punk bitches who left it (fig. & lit. speaking)...that's yo bad bitch but I love ya anyhow for making me betta. When I made YOU betta it made me best. And what's betta than best? NOT A DAMN THING! Why? b/c I gots that Comeback...HA...no like really...I mean. I'm jus saying...the proof is in the pudding...YUM ; )
Then again. Maybe jus maybe I'll not get married and I'll be okay w/that. Iunno. Iunjusno.
...and on that note...I'm blowing!
Until we blog again...
POB!
~Sdot
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