Out my mind? Again.

While the song is blasting...
Empowered.
Inspired.
Motivated.
Committed.
Changed.
When the music fades...
The thoughts return.
The breaths shorten.
The tears fall.
The hope fades.
The misery lingers.
In just 5 minutes. Or 60. Or 90. Or however long you decide to listen to that song. Those lyrics. That melody.
Shortly thereafter the thrill is gone...gone? Gone where?
Gone with the wind, but I'm sure that's not the end. For you will listen again. Deciding right then. "This, this right here is the LAST time the very last time that you will enter my mind, again!"
But the music can't play all day...

Be (stay) strong.



See. Be. Inspire.


XoXo


~SRJP

Thank You & You're Welcome!

On the book of faces I saw this status in my news feed:
THANKs for....the first time we met, the friendship, being selfish, the last time we were together, passing me by,noticing,letting me think you're mine when you never were,for nothing but most importantly EVERYTHING!
My lovely friend Markita Miller.

Of course I had to comment (after a little thought & a crappy day-mentally):
As do I...thanks for...telling the truth, while being a liar...being a giver, while stealing my heart...listening to me, while never saying a word...loving me, while leaving me w/o an explanation! Thanks for absolutely nothing & you're WELCOME for absolutely EVERYTHING (BITCH)!!!
I told you it was that kind of day!

She (Ms. Miller) in turn followed up with an explanation about the initial status & couple 'thank yous' she forgot to mention:t
...thanks for making me realize that I AM SO much better than YOU and for making me feel like I was NO good. The things that make you embrace your worth huh guys.

Wow! Are you wowed b/c I'm nearly floored. The power in her last 2 lines took me some place else with the thank you note & I'm just now (2 weeks later) able to really dissect those thoughts & feelings.

That crappola day I had up there, comes & goes every few days. B/c every few days, I start to reconsider the reasons my ex & I parted ways. I start to reconsider the reasons we aren't back together. I start to reconsider the reasons why he doesn't call & barely texts. I start to then reconsider why does he randomly text & sporadically appears (ie on my damn Pandora station...thanks Facebook) right before my eyes. I start to reconsider what I could have done better. I start to reconsider what I should have done better. I start to reconsider what I said...what I didn't say...how I said it & how I didn't say it. I start to reconsider letting it go & moving on. I start to reconsider calling him & apologizing for what I've done. All the while...the Shanette I've always known is drowning in all that self-pity, guilt, bitterness. I don't know this Shanette.

I decided to reflect on that ultimate break-up which occurred about 4-5 years ago (I can't recall his nickname on here). Talk about devastation! My Lord! B/c I'm certain He is the only reason that not only I made it but he made it...to see another day. Not that you should compare break-ups b/c you shouldn't, just like you shouldn't compare significant others. It's just not fair b/c they don't compare. However for writing & evaluation purposes that's exactly what I'm about to do...only I'm comparing the Shanettes. The Shanette from years ago was so extra crass, gangsta-like, w/a real 'fuck you' attitude! The Shanette today consciously suppresses that Shanette. She recognizes that in order to be successful not just in relationship but life in general that emotionally scarred girl has to better cope w/her issues as a young woman. I said all that to say. My recent ex insinuated that I was still that girl-which I wasn't offended by UNTIL he suggested it was just who I was & I was pretty much incapable of changing. It is the 1 thing that literally pisses me off to no end, when I think of us no longer being together. In my eyes he basically gave up on me. He decided my fate before I could, in turn deciding our fate w/o consulting me. Now what gave him such insight, balls & audacity....no clue!

I have to ponder though why that notion upsets me so...is it b/c it is in fact true? Am I still trapped in that damaged (for a number of uncontrollable & controllable reasons) state?
I disagreed then & I'm on the fence now.
I can only be me, whoever she is...she is multifaceted.
Not one-dimensional. Yes, I am harsh & no that's not changing.
Yes I have & can have an absolutely despicable attitude but that's not a character trait its a coping mechanism.
This is when you learn about you but also when you learn about the type of significant other you need. Not that anyone should have to deal w/anything in particular...but I know I can't & won't deal w/being placed in a box...by anyone or anything. I have to have room to grow.
Here in lies the difference: The 1st Shanette was content & confused by him & herself. This Shanette is only confused by him. I know I'm not perfect by any means b/c I'm great by all means, including this break-up (POW!). Hence I'm reminded that in the end, I'm all I've got, when my man's gone, my money's low, & my friends are busy...I'm all I've got, me & the Lord...all I need, to get by! So I thank him, my recent ex, for reminding me that greatness can't be contained & not everyone is meant to go w/the flow of greatness, for it is indeed a trying journey, a roller-coaster of events, emotions, & transitions to say the least...If I were 5'9, you could say I had the soul of a 6'4 person, like T.I. ...but since I'm 6 feet anyway (giant to most)...I'm just being who I was designed to be & that's all I can be!!!\

Thanks again...& you're absolutely welcome for everything!
I am utterly the gift & the curse. The gift of having experienced such greatness. The curse of having experienced such greatness. .

On that note I'm greatly in need of rest.
Nite.
Remember to love God & yourself-the rest will take care of itself!
Who so ever can't get w/that can definitely get lost!

XoXo-

all the Shanettes...the great. the not so great. & the FABulous!

You can STILL be who you wish you is-SATC 2 edition!

Lord, if you're listening & I know you are, here in lies my dream job...to be a wardrobe designer...for a movie, a runway show, a video even, regular folk, rich folk, poor folk...I want it all! Literally! I want to write books, own a boutique, start a magazine, back an accessories line, design a shoe line & run a non-profit!!! Yes! I want it all!!! All in FABulosity!!!

As I'm sure all of you know, SATC 2 (Sex & the City 2), is on it's way to the theatres...ask me if I can wait?! I feel like I can't but of course I will & clearly I am...I mean I have no choice! In the meantime, I'm reading every news article, watching every tv appearance, perusing every on-line photo, in anticipation for the BIG day!!! It will indeed be a big todo, we're (my chicas & I) are grabbing cocktails & hitting the theatre in a snazzy getup & making it a night!!! Guess WHAT!!! My look is together *the crowd gasp in pleased shock* Well, at least I think I do :) actually as I typed that I had a vision of something else to compliment it, but I probably won't make a fuss, so it's done! I'm going to see the midnight showing tonight and the "girls night soiree" tomorrow @ 6:30! Have I mentioned that I can hardly wait *bites nails-before I get my manicure this evening*!

You know I was watching the episodes, last night, (Season 6) & I just realized how much Carrie has not changed...in loving herself. I admire a lot of things about Carrie Bradshaw, but what I love is her unconditional love for herself! Men have come & gone, spats w/friends, job changes, etc...but all in all, Carrie never stops loving herself. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a simple & silently confident way that's unoffensive, yet inspiring. In & out of relationships, she remains true to who she is, as an individual. I respect that! We can all take note of that, as we go through life. It's okay, in fact it's healthy, to make adjustments to one's appearance & even attitude. It's okay to take in constructive criticism & even harsh critiques, but at the end and the beginning of the day, you are already you, so be that person & be the best at it that you can be! For example, Carrie gives up smoking for Aidan, no easy task I'm sure, especially for Carrie, who lived with a cig in hand...BUT is the definition of Carrie, a smoker, I doubt it. Hence, giving up a small habit for a potentially, special person, that ultimately benefits self, isn't such a bad deal...maybe a little inconvenient but not wrong! Granted, sometimes there is a grey area & the line becomes a little unclear, but that's when you have to know yourself!
Who are YOU? With no make-up on, no fancy duds, no blackberry/i-phone, no botox, no implants, no weight gain/loss, no parents, no children, no right & no wrong...who are you on the inside...let's all hope that we're someone to remember, not so much for what we did but for who we were while doing it!

Do you remember when Ms. Bradshaw said this:
"…relationships. There are those that open you up to something new & exotic, those that are old & familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, & those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging & significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

Well, I won't include the preview for the new movie, b/c personally I'm sick of watching it-I'm just ready for the real thing!

This is a SN but a very important one:
You can't even begin to love someone else without loving yourself first and how do you love yourself, even on days you feel and look like crap-you remember that God loves you at your best and your worst! Why?! He made you-DUH! Therefore he knows who & whose you are! He also knows your destiny, so I'd advise you to trust him! It is impossible to love others unless you know, believe and receive God's love. 1 John 4:19 says, We love because he first loved us.

Have a FABulous day & enjoy the movie girls (& guys-I do know a few)!!!

XoXo-

SRJP

Hello lovers *in my Carrie Bradshaw voice*

How the heck have you guys been?!?!

I've missed you bunches!!!

Happy New Year!!!

Soooooo much has taken place since we last chatted.

I have a new job.
Got a weave.
Visited L.A.
Broke up w/the bf.

The new job--I like. Lots of benefits. Think I'm starting law school in the fall! Keep your fingers crossed & me in your prayers!!!!

Got a weave--*rolls eyes* their such a task, but I like for now...though I think I'm not really a long hair girl...I look better, in my opinion w/short hair. However I've only been wearing it shoulder length w/the weave, I was thinking the next time maybe I'll go SUPER long like Khloe K.!!! What do you think?!?! I just don't want to do my hair for a while, it's all damaged & looking crazy & that just won't fly especially @ my new job...bosslady is into the looks!!!

Visited L.A.--whackness. Trip from hell pretty much. That's all I say about that. Good experience, bad trip!

I love him.
I miss him.
We'll be friends again, someday.
Today, we're individuals trying to make sense of what just happened.
We meant well.
Sometimes things just don't work out the way in which you want.
We did.
We learned.
We're growing.
We'll be better people.
No love loss.
No hard feelings...@ least on my end.
JMJ, it's been a great ride, that I wish never stopped.
It was fun, but life goes on.
My love will remain.
You'll always be my goof ;)

Sometimes in life we have to take a really good look @ the man in the mirror.
Take a survey.
Be open & honest w/self.
Let go.
Grow.
Move on.
Life is short, lets make it count while we can!

My tip today: don't sweat the small stuff, it's really not worth it!
Have a FABulous week!!!
I love you tons & God loves you more!!!

XoXo-

SRJP

At Night.

At night.
In the night.
During the night.
All damn night.
I think of you.
I can't sleep b/c of you.
I cry for you.
I scream in my mind @ you.
You can't hear me b/c you're asleep.
How can you sleep?
At night?
When I'm awake.
At night.
In the night.
During the night.
All damn night.
The thoughts of you, I run from all day.
I push them away, deep into my mind where I pray they will stay.
Yet they haunt me around 8, when the Cabernet takes effect.
You taunt me all day but I'm strong until I lay.
Down my head.
On that bed.
Too tired to even pray.
So I let you in.
My mind you play.
Tricks on & say.
How dare you say.
Nothing.
While I lie awake.
At night.
In the night.
During the night.
All damn night!

Don't Call it a Comeback!

*in Wendy Williams voice* Where you been?!

I know, I know I've been mia for so long you probably thought I wouldn't return & I must admit I considered letting it go but then I remembered why I started the blog-to better my skills, to release some frustration & to entertain some people...so here I am back again, but don't call it a comeback!

So let's get it started...soooo much has happened...a whole season has passed & I must say to my dismay it's been a pretty good Summer! New Orleans for Essence. Jamaica wedding-not mine of course, but stay tuned-ha not really. Chicago, Il & Jackson Miss for family reunions! There has been a sour patch as of lately-my really good friend Karm moved to LA & it's been having me in the pits, but on the up side I have *insert drumrolls* a bf *& the crowd gasp*! Yes, yes, so I've been sort of busy in retrospect but not too busy that I couldn't blog-I've simply been too lazy to do so-which is quite out of character but hey it happens I suppose.

NOLA-

Essence was a total blast! My sister, Lynn & I road tripped along w/her cousin Bernard down to NOLA for about 4 days. Went to the shows Friday, well Saudia-my niece & I went to see Beyonce & friends...then Saturday my sister & her friends & myself went to see Maxwell & Anita Baker & friends...great nite. Hung out w/Nic & Madd a bit-she's so very grown btw-my #1! Ate my freaking life away! Shopped a smidge, drank a tad & just had all around oodles of fun! I was reluctant to leave-per usual but it had been so effing long since I'd been I was like wth was I thinking I must never go more than 9 months w/o a visit-that's just wrong! So anywho... ♥ NOLA!

Jamaica Mon-!

Oh gosh-can you imagine being drunk literally all day for like 6 days?! Insanity but the absolute best vacay ever in life! I mean really-liquor is in your rum, @ your disposal 24 hours a day! I lost like 5lbs pre-trip & literally gained all that back just in alcohol intake-fml!!! It was totally worth it though! I swear we were all drunk @ the wedding even-or hung over-lol! The ceremony was nice though, after much ado of course. The tourism attractions were fun. The shopping was great, the nightlife was poppin & the beach was serene...I swear I wake up sometimes just wanting a daiquiri & a _ _ _ _ _ & lay out on the beach all damn day...how sad but so sincere!

So yes if you haven't been to Jamaica I'd advise a trip, real soon & take me w/you-lol!

Let's see what else...

Oh reunions-

Both for my Mom's side of the family. The 1st was for her Mom's side & the 2nd for her Dad's side.

Chicago was nice but I have to go back to relly explore & shop & hang & shop & eat & shop some more, but it was great to see the fam once again-all was well- we lost the volleyball tournament, but they cheated-so typical-ghetto Chi-towners-lol! No really it was a blessed trip & I look forward to the next one in Detroit, MI-it's been a minute. Then we ventured to Jackson, MS-a looooong overdue reunion-like 20+ years...so basically I don't even recall another one! We had a really great time-getting to know everyone again & learning about our ancestors. We also ate good & hung out a bit. Good times, indeed. I'm so blessed I come from good stock, as country folk say. More so I'm blessed to have family & an gigantic family @ that...I realize that family is important as I go through life & I swear I would trade it for nothing in the world-as crazy as they are I ♥ my family!!!

KarmCharm moves to LA-

*deep sigh* I mean I knew she was leaving but I didn't know how much it would affect me. I actually thought it would encourage me to migrate but it did the total opposite. I became very lazy, sleepy & an alcoholic all in a matter of a week or 2, though she's only been gone a month it seems like so much longer. I'm just now starting to pull myself out of the funk & I'm not really sure what my problem is but I think I just feel stuck here...like my life in Memphis will never end & that literally depresses me! However, I can't let me current situation dictate my future-I must remember who I am & the purpose I serve or @ least the goals I've set & adhere to them, take back the control of my destiny & believe! It's time for me to apply to school so that is definitely going to force me to get it together-as I listen to "Get it Together" by Robin Thicke & Faith-I have so much to do in so little time-but good thing is I work best under pressure! Even getting back into the blog will ignite my fire! Though I would love to be in NYC right now-pursuing my fashion career-styling, buying, merchandising...I also know the shit doesn't just happen I have to make the provisions to get it done & honestly I haven't done the things I've needed to do to make move into the industry, but I'm working on it however I need my $$$ like NOW-so what does that mean?? It's time to go back to school & upon graduation-2014...I'm thinking I'll write a book by 2015. Open a boutique & start a shoe label by 2016...all before I'm 35-YAH YAH TRICK!!! Sounds like a plan to me!

I was also thinking when I'm done applying for PharmD, I could very well go to NYC from JAN-JUL & live it up before schooling it up for the next 4 years-it's a possibility...we'll see what happens! I'm remaining optimistic about the rest of '09! I've been blessed thus far, despite getting in my own damn way. God prevails-anyhow-so I figure I may as well step aside & let Him do His thang!

Last but not least-the bf-who shall remain called the bf until...we stop slick acting like Bey & Jay w/the extra discreetness-I'm just saying I don't need no extra drama-ugh!

A very pecular little transformation we made from associates-->friends-->lovers-->relationship status. I sometimes have a hard time believing how far we've come b/c it was so unexpected but I have found that things I'm looking for in the places I'm looking for them are not matching up & sometimes the things we think we want aren't all that important in restrospect. I'll just say I'm letting God control this one-I've tried to avoid it, deter it, sabotage it, & I swear I can't shake this one & I'm okay w/that, it appears to be good for me & I can use some goodness. We FIGHT hard & LOVE harder but we're strong in that we're growing & willing to make the effort & that's big-I think. He's good to me & I appreciate him for that...so whatever the reasoning we're together @ this moment in time may be a mystery but I'll take that as long we keep gettting better, individually & collectively. So anywho-cupid made a big ass fool outta my ass-the LoveH8r, ha...gotcha BITCH! We'll see how the days ahead unravel-I take them one day @ a time--pray for me ;)

Well I suppose that wraps today's post. I'll be in touch...sooner than l8r :-P

Until...remember Whose you are, & that @ the end of the day & the beginning-lol, you control your destiny!!!

Be. Great!

XoXo-

*SHANETTE RENEA*

*oh signing off w/a little inspiration from one of my fave people-Jay-Z @ the VMAs, w/my boo(no homo) repping for her mane (how you doin-j/p) in the audience-I ♥ them-individually & collectivelly!*

Permanently Blue.

Fact-I've been in love once & it may just be the only thing I regret in life...sure it's contributed to the person I am today, but I'm not so sure that the person I am today wouldn't be just as great as the person I would've been pre-"in love" & post-"heartbroken girl." Besides, I don't think I'm 1 of those people who believes it's better to have loved & loss than never loved @ all b/c frankly I think I'd be pretty fucking fabulous either way...I mean I'm just saying...

okay moving on...

Fact-I still love him & I'm certain I always will.

Fact-I'm not bitter...I'm jaded.

Fact-I miss him...but I can't quite recall why.

SO...today I was thinking about relationships & stuff & how when they are ending its like the seconds turn into hours & the days to months...the closing last soooo freaking long or so it seems, but technically only a day would've actually passed. Omg! I remember the exact moment I realized I was in love, lol, it was like an epiphany! I literally ran into the bathroom, put my head in a towel & cried & screamed (I knew there was no turning back)! It was a roller-coaster of emotions all wrapped into 1 single, solitary moment. Oh but when the walls came tumbling down around me & that feeling turned me into a prisoner, I wondered if I could 1st save me...btw-why as women do we always tend to blame ourselves when disaster strikes???...anyways, once I figured I wasn't the problem (well not entirely)...I tried to fix "us" & when that didn't work I tried to fix him. In all the unsuccessful fixing I was doing, I had no idea I was working alone. I was just so caught up, I couldn't see that there was nothing I could alone, to "save" whatever it was I was trying to save & in the process I was not only wasting time I was breaking down, running thin & making it worse. Ahhh the things we do for love...man, its crazy. I've been involved w/people before & after him, but I've never been willing to sacrifice myself for someone like that...so when I think of him I think not of the things he put me through but the things I put myself through & I realize I'll always be black & blue...for you, permanently...ugh!

Enjoy the song...I ♥ it...my post continues after the vid.

I hate to say I'm damaged...bruised sounds better, just like I hate to say I'm bitter...jaded sounds cooler.

What's cool about heartbreak? Not a fucking thing...except...the COMEBACK!

& trust me I'm a beast w/mines!

Ahh...but...there's a catch...

...I'm a beast who's scared of love.

Humph.

~Shanette Renea

(I'm certain I'll love again, but never will I sacrifice myself to do so...no one will ever get all of me again, it's just too dangerous besides I'm too cool for that...gotta keep some for yourself b/c trust me they ain't giving you all of them & if they are good for you b/c you have the upper-hand!)

Be! Patient. Love?

Post brought to you in part by Kanye West's Coldest Winter-808s & Heartbreak

Shouts out to all the people in love, y'all some suckas, lol, just playing!

Fa real though this post is for the people who aren't in love but have been in love...
Don't you sometimes ask yourself if you'll ever love again?
I was just thinking man its been like 5 years since I've been in love. I'm sure to some people that sounds sad & I guess it would be if I cared that much, but I don't, though I'm a special case so I'll try to speak a bit more general. I guess loving & losing is not an easy thing to deal with when you're really in love. When I was in love, it was the best place to be, but I never saw past it, hence when the future of not being in love became my present I couldn't deal & chose to remain in the past. Most people do it, they focus on the past in hopes of it reincarnating in the future, however 9 times out of 10, that does not happen. Either things get better or they get worse, but they don't remain the same that's for sure. Unfortunately for me they changed for the worse & I think I lost a little hope I had in the future, hence affecting my present.

What do I mean?
I mean I can't really open myself up to love today b/c of my past which is totally unfair to my future & whether I care to admit it or not I'm suffering, maybe not physically but definitely emotionally. Relationships are an aspect of life we need just like we need food & water. It makes us better, eventually. What people don't recognize is that in the toughest times, in your seemingly lowest moments, your worst days...you grow the most, you fight the hardest & you transform into a better you, if you use that time to your advantage. Every situation in life has its positives & its negatives. Of course initially its easiest to dwell on the negatives but its in the positives we discover who we are.

I've grown so much this year & I'm ready for a new & better Shanette in 2009, I'm ready...so if y'all ain't ready, get back, cus I put on...for myself, lol!

What am I saying?
I'm saying take all the seemingly negatives you experienced this year, make peace & let them go. Reflect on the positives & move forward. Laugh a lot. Live for you. & Love for Him.
Love for you too...I remember that when I loved more & hated less, omg, I was the best version of myself, real talk. I'm not saying go jump into love. I'm just saying don't turn your back on it, b/c in love we were created, its apart of us. We need love to live. Think about it. Try loving yourself if you haven't tried that thus far. Try loving God, simply b/c he first love you! Then maybe try loving someone else, in spite of...

Be open to the possibilities, it is in the openness you find opportunity.
Be patient with love, in patience you find peace.
Be you for in you, you find love & in love you find life!

While you can't be foolish, everyone plays the fool sometimes, @ least one time. Don't fight it, its inevitable, essential for living, good living!

Keep on living,

~Shanette Renea

Forever & a day...

I know, I know...its been a while...just haven't been in the mood to write...well really I've just been lazy! Shame, shame!!!

Anyways, let's see...there's so many things I have to get out of my head...but 1st I'll start w/something Novi had in her status last week, that I commented on & she asked me to elaborate on here...so here I go...

She said or quoted "you can close your eyes from the things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart from the things you don't want to feel."

Now you know I disagree.
I definitely feel like you can control your emotions to a certain extent. Sure somethings just happen & you get caught up & feelings just rush over you like a tidal wave...but really how often does that happen...sounds more like an orgasm than falling in love anyways & actually I'd prefer the 1st as opposed to the latter.
Anyways, sometimes people create these fantasies in their heads & they play them out in real life & find that that shit they made up in their head ain't hardly not real. Its like you want something to be real so bad, you actually believe it is or it can be & that may or may not be true.
I mean what if its your mind talking rather than your heart...or frankly what if its your sex drive talking rather than your mind...& vice-versa. I mean how do you know when its really real??? That's why I keep my love locked down baby & when I say I keep it locked tight...its SUPER tight, Jesus prolly be looking for it every now & then (joking). I just don't believe people when they say you can't control the heart...it does what it does & I suppose those same people don't believe me when I say that I can & do control my shit ALL the time.

You know what I'm not anti-love...in fact I love is absolutely beautiful but in the wrong hands its deadly & I just can't have the vitality of life dependent upon whether someone can/can't control their feelings...so you know what I do the work myself...I work extra hard to control my own damn feelings. That way while you're off drop feelings like its bird shit on every one's soul, I've got the armor of God shielding that shit (you'll prolly get that l8r, ponder awhile)!

I'm just saying who can you trust these days...sure my soul, as Bey, would say is cold, but I'd rather it be cold than sold chile...& by sold I really mean stole...n...

When you trust others with your most prize possession like your soul or your heart & they get in your mind, well what else do you have left, how can you know what's real & fake, what's better or worse, what's right & wrong...when its time to give & when its time to GO!
Idk, & I'm still a work in progress, I guess as my trust grows in the Lord I won't be as concerned about man, b/c I know @ some point in life everyone lets someone down & that's just real but when you have Jesus, all that other stuff really don't matter. Of course we will still be hurt & disappointed & disgusted, but thank the Lord it won't be the end of the world!

All I'm saying is watch who you give your ♥ to, b/c they don't always give it back...

~S. Parks
(look Novi...I got trust & the heart thing all in 1...sweet!)

Cost Efficient.

Settling=convenient.

Quality=patience.

Convenience is usually cheap or (seemingly) affordable @ the time, while Quality is usually priceless.

Think about the above statements for a moment.

In a time when $$$ is more crucial than ever…let's not forget about our personal lives & well-being…they too have a price tag, that is self-determined.

So…when exactly is settling worth it???

I was thinking about that today. I was @ work, Banana, & I was talking w/a manager, Lisa, who commented on the pants I was wearing…"I like those pants, where'd you get em?" I said (b/c I clearly don't know how to take compliments that well) "I hate these pants, the color is awful!" She said, "well why'd you buy em?!" I said "b/c our pants are too expensive for me to have to order online, pay shipping & not be able to get my discount until they arrive…just impatient!" That made me think about how I do that so often…especially w/clothes…b/c I'm tall…I'm like really tall guys…& it kinda sucks sometimes…everyone thinks it's so gr8 b/c, well it kinda is + tall is really "in" right now…but it's not all cum & giggles. I have to search HIGH & low for pants that fit & are cute & not a fortune…same goes for shoes…just think for a minute how the possibilities for you are endless when buying shoes, like you don't even think about it really…if you like it & can buy it, you do so…well I know 9/10 I can never buy shit!!! SUCKS!

Anyways, back to the point, as a result of that misfortune, I sometimes settle for things, that don't really fit as well as they should, don't really compliment as well as I would like, not as cute as it could be, cost too much $ for what it is…but I settle anyhow, b/c I'd rather have something now as opposed to waiting for whatever I really want to come, for whatever reason. Thing is, is that really benefitting me…long-term? Or is it hurting me now? I know this is just clothes & shoes were talking, although both are like a super BIG deal to me, we can bring this to more real life situations.

Dating for instance, since that's a pretty common element of life.

Think about the times you've dated or even gone as far as committed to a relationship w/someone who was clearly not complimenting you. Let's be realistic, a relationship is supposed to be of benefit to both parties…where one lacks, the other sustains, vice versa, & where you both lack you both grown "together." I know that sounds idealistic, but it's the truth as to how you are supposed to think when dating someone. However, often times we found ourselves settling, for the right now as opposed to waiting for the "right one." Taking a moment to dissect the "right one," he/she is deemed right based on the individuals involved, it's not always about how a person looks…it's about the entire package, in & out. The "right one" is based on you, what you think is right for you & sometimes what you think is right, you'll find ain't always what it is…but it's good to learn what does & doesn't work before getting into more complicated situations, I think. Anyway, there are so many factors that play into the "right one" & timing, to me, is a BIG factor…let's take my own recent experience. "2nd chance" was seemingly perfect, but the timing was just off...I couldn't make it work & he couldn't make me...but I feel like if right is right, I wouldn't need to be forced I would want what was right...right?

You can pray for what you think is the "right one" & let's say you get him/her but not quite the way you had planned…it's like they're perfect except for one thing…one thing you can't seem to shake. Does that mean they are the one? Does that mean your prayer has been answered but just not the manner in which you'd hoped? Does that mean what you think you want is not what you need? Does that mean settle for what you can get b/c you're afraid of what else might come?

I'm not going to BS you; I really don't know…b/c sometimes settling ain't terrible, if it gets the job done, it just depends on whether or not the waiting would've been worth it. I'm really not in a complicated situation @ the moment. In fact mines is pretty simple (kinda) b/c I'm not emotionally involved, but it could get complicated if I allowed it to do such, but I won't. I know I'm settling & for now I deal…no I'm not really okay w/it, but hey that's life, sometimes we're involved in shit we don't wanna be involved in, but as long as you can get out, @ any moment, w/no love loss, then you're good. It's when you start to think that settling is your only option, that convenience becomes a problem. It's when you become deluded in thinking that your current situation is the best it can be, b/c it seems so right except for that one little (GIGANTIC) thing that you just can't seem to shake. Though my situation now is simple, the previous one w/"2^nd Chance" was not so much. The lack of communication & the ambiguity w/parties was recipe for disaster. It wasn't really settling or waiting on either parts, but it seemed as such. Now guess what "2^nd Chance" is engaged to be married…who's settling now…hmmm.

Have you settled for what looks/feels good right now, b/c for whatever reason, you're not willing to wait it out, for that "right one?"

Maybe you're just not ready…or you just aren't certain…or you can only do what you're doing, maybe it's just convenient to settle sometimes.

I know settling has such negative connotation, when we hear we automatically think well that person taking less than what they deserve, but maybe what they think they deserve isn't what they want…@ the moment.

Or.
Maybe I'm making excuses for the things we do…the things we do…as people…some strange shit sometimes.

Well do what you do, just make sure that what you do is nothing short of being you.

Never compromise who you are for someone else b/c I'm fairly certain they would NOT do the same for YOU!

~S. Parks

I don't settle b/c its fun I settle b/c it gets the job done. Real talk.

I blame Memphis.

System Overload!

I’m not loving you, way I wanted to.
What I had to do, had to run from you.
I’m in love w/you but the vibe is wrong & that haunted me all the way home.
So you never know, never never know, never know enough till it’s over love.
Till we lose control!
SYSTEM OVERLOAD!
Screaming NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
I’m not loving you, way I wanted to.
See I wanna move, but can’t escape from you.
So I keep it low, keep a secret cold.
So everybody else don’t have to know.
…
So keep your love locked down.
Your love locked down.
Now keep your love locked down.
…

You lose.

I’m not loving you way, I wanted to.
I can’t keep my cool so I keep it true.
I got something to lose. So I gotta move.
I can’t keep myself & still keep you too.
…

How many times did I tell you before it finally got through!

YOU LOSE!
You lose.
…
I’m not loving you way I wanted to…
No more wasting time, you can’t wait for life.
We’re just wasting time.
Where’s the finish line?
…
So keep your love locked down.
…
I’m not loving you way I wanted to.
Where I wanna go, I don’t need you.
I’ve been down this road too many times before.
I’m not loving you way I wanted to.

KEEP YOUR LOVE LOCKED DOWN!

You lose.

~S. Parks
Courtesy of Mr. Kanye West, the GREAT & my fave!
I couldn’t have said it better if I tried & I did try & I came up kinda short & harsh.

So this MY Reply to “Who’s Gonna Save My Soul”

(MY real Reply: Save your own damn soul!)

Feel Me?!

When a girl grows up…she realizes what she likes…what she wants…what she needs…
To be honest...I really like affection.
I miss intimacy.
I like it when sweet things are said to me when I least suspect it.
I want to blush b/c of some lame compliment given to me.
I need to feel again.
I want to like someone enough to hold their hand in public.
I miss wanting to talk to someone all the time.
I want to fall asleep on his couch & wake up in his bed.
I like to go fast.
I want to go slow.
I need to feel again.
I like to be liked.
I want to miss someone even when they aren’t gone.
I need to be touched.
I like wanting more.
I want to feel needed again.
I need to feel again.
I’m not always cold.
I like being warm.
I just miss liking someone enough to let them melt that ice away.
I don’t want to think about it…I just like…I just want…I just need…a kiss.



~Shanette Renea

Haute/Not!

I stole this idea from the good folks over @ Chic & Untroubled!

Its like a list of what's in/out...

So I made my own list...cus you know my motto...I'm haute, you bitches ain't hardly cool! :)

Aight...so...let start w/NOT or Not so much:

1. antm...as much as i ♥ eva-diva & a few other winners (& contestants)...antm is so not haute...anymore...give up the ghost tyra!




2. having babies & getting married...what is this 1945?! (celebs included)




3. jesse jackson-gtfoh sir & all u other uncle tom muthafuckas...there's a new sheriff in town...i'll tell u about him l8r (ref:haute list #5)!




4. this weather! GOTSDAYUM!!! Its hot as fuck outside!!! Go away Summer-come back another day!




5. & last but def not least MEMPHIS-Lord help me on today & every other I reside in this DUMP!!!

Honorable mention-& even this hurts my (invisible) feelings, Beyonce'-yes boo...you thru (not really-we just need a break), now go sit down...we'll miss u though, come back to us in 5!
btw-is Solo aka Solange on the up & up??? Hmmm...

YAY-Hautes-I'm better @ these:

1. the cw-yep i stole it-i couldn't not! They are on the come up-i'm anxiously awaiting September & all my oldies but goodies that shall return & all the new shit poppin...well 90210 is not really new, now is it? "stylista", seems cool though, i'll give it a go, in spite of tyra-she gets on my nerves-but i can't knock her hustle.




2. RIH-RIH!!! Okay. Isn't obvious, she's so on the up & up. This bitch's style is raw & that's all I got to say about that! (oh I like her songs too-sometimes-lol)




3. yellow-its fun, its warm (in hue), its haute....buy you some-if you're afraid-start slow w/nail polish (my nails are actually lime green today...oooh YUMMY!




4. colored pumps...i'm telling u wear a different, random even, colored pump w/your suit (i'm talking to girls, obviously) & watch that bitch work. head turner! oooow!




5. OBAMA-& that's all I gots to say about that-you better act like u knew!
   

*Honorable mention-boys who aren't afraid of girls like me...i love it!
**Honorable mention ii-blue-i've never been into blue, but i swear its making a serious comeback...like cobalt...not navy though...it washes me out. (& purple's back too-i still likey...my Mom's fav color ever in life!!! She LOVESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS it!!!)

So anyways, that my list...hope you're hauter than not, if not, do something about it!!!

Enjoy the rest of your haute ass summer :)

Cya

"I'm ain't kinda haute; I'm sauna!"
~WeezyF.Baby/The Carter iii

~Sdotter always making it hauter!

Gnarls Barkley-"Who's Gonna Save My Soul?"

"Look familiar?"



So...uh...say somebody sent you this w/that caption @ the top...how exactly do you respond to something like that...no wait...how do you even digest something like that???
I mean hypothetically speaking of course...

~Sdot

The. Blues.

I’m everything that I’m not.
My vision is skewed.
My thoughts are select.
My movement is slow.
I don’t know how to explain it.
My words aren’t good enough.
If only I was an artist, I’d paint it.
On a white canvas. I’d paint you yellow, warm, like the sun.
Shining through me w/your heart beating red, like a drum.
I’d paint me blue for the cool I chose over you.
I can’t explain it.
My words aren’t good enough.
If only I was a musician, I’d play it.
In a large venue. I’d play you. A flat. B Sharp.
Through the notes.
My heart diffuses.
Into the room.
Filling their souls w/my blues.
I can’t explain it.
My words aren’t good enough.
If only I was a dancer, I’d show it.
On the streets of gold…slowly I’d dance until I couldn’t anymore.
Sensually spinning around the thought of you.
Out of my limbs comes the truth.
I’ve got the blues for you.
I guess that’s how you explain it.
I write it. I paint it. I play it. I move it.

The. Blues.

~Shanette

Big? Banking

Boys are like the stock market...fickle & full of it!
Isn’t it funny how men (in general) don’t really like change; however you can’t really depend on them?
Isn’t it quite convenient how they make women seem unstable yet were the more responsible (again, in general) of the sex?

I was just thinking about how women go into situations investing so much of them b/c that’s just the nature of the woman. We get too involved too fast…unlike the man, who will hardly even commit to one woman, but they can be a die heart fan of a sports team from birth till death. Don’t you think that’s crazy?! I mean will literally go to war for some team, some players, some colors they don’t get paid for, they aren’t related to, they don’t even fucking know…is that not the strangest thing? I mean really, think about it…the commitment phoebes are only phobic when it’s convenient, no? Hell yeah, I’m right!

I’ve learned in my short 24 years of living…maybe a little earlier than I should have, that you canNOT depend on a nigga for shit! You can depend on their unpredictability, their inconsistencies, their fallacies, their flaws, but can never really depend on them to come through, every time...most of the time…the time when it counts. That’s not to say that women don’t default on promises, but it’s very rare that you will find a woman w/little to no conscious who can cold-heartedly hurt those she cares about or loves, it’s just not the nature of a woman. This is the trip part, most women don’t even have to really know a man to love him or to care about him, especially a black man…we just have a spiritual connection that hardly allows us to turn our back on a man…again…it's just not in our nature.

Well, I, myself, am cut from a different cloth. I’m a different type of girl (becoming a woman) & my life experiences have made me a very apathetic, insensitive & no-non-sense individual, especially when it comes to men…I just don’t give a nigga naan break…for what? They aren’t even worth the trouble honey & I just don’t have time for the bullshit…unless I choose to make time. If a man thinks he may have (slick) gotten to/over on me, TRUST, he’s not doing anything I’m not allowing…b/c I don’t trust niggas to do shit but be niggas...so why not beat them to the punch-that's all I'm saying!

So…boys, if you want to impress me…get ya weight up…b/c $ makes me come/cum (literally) all that other shit is irrela!

Btw-I’m not a man basher…I’m just real…deal w/it…or not.

~Sdot

Screw Summer

How come folk so extra horny in the summertime?

Or is it just me…naw couldn't be (I'm always like that…so that's nothing new).

Is that weird?

I mean its already hot, right…so why you wanna go & be like so extra hot???

Shit I guess since you're already hot & shit, may as well sweat it out for a good cause, huh!

Idk. I'm asking a general question…I can give my own personal answer but I'm something like a nymph so I'll bite my tongue…

I find myself talking about sex more & Love less during the season of 100 degree temperatures…maybe it's the clothes or lack there of that has everyone "LUSTING!" (lol, insert my Robin, who hails from none other than Memphis, TN, of ANTM season 1 voice- my sister knows her btw)

Well this summer has actually been the exception…I've discussed Love a LOT more than usual…a lot more than I'd prefer actually & a lot more than I'm comfortable with @ the present.

Maybe that's why my summer has been far short of fuck-filled action…hmmmm…interesting…

Anyways however this post has virtually nothing to do w/Love…so let's get back to the SEX (insert claps & roars of excitement)!

Having a very candid & explicit conversation w/my friend today, the topic of women's complexities arose. I was telling her that someone I've been more/less engaging in sexual activities w/has asked if I would have 3some w/him…then proceeded to tell me how he wants to take me to a swinger's club or whatever…I'm assuming 2 different instances he wants this to take place w/in. Anyways, she asked if I'd o it & I really didn't answer str8 up, b/c I've learned that as soon as I say "hell to the naw, I'd never do that ish!" What happens? I end up doing just that + some! So this is what I told her "Women. Maybe not all but most…will pretty much go there w/the right guy & the right situation! (If they haven't already perused the idea a time or two) I mean I'm just saying, let's be real ladies. Let that nigga spit something real tempting in your ear @ the right time, & see what happens…I mean...not that I just know or whatever…I'm just saying…that's my theory ;)

Women are pleasers by nature...hence we always want to make others happy, even if it doesn't necessarily fit into our realm of what happiness is.

Think about it…or not…whichever you prefer.

I find it incredibly fascinating in 2008, to find that people are still really taboo about sexual topics & not really as skilled as the media portrays. I think that's cool though…I guess. I'm pretty open myself…not open like "hey everybody comes/cums in." Open like I'm comfortable w/my sexuality & I like sex, period. I mean to me sex is just sex, when it's just sex…if you can understand that. Well let me attempt to explain w/o confusing you AND myself. I mean when you, well let me speak for myself…I understand sex, right? Well I think so. I understand that it's powerful. I understand that its fun. I understand that it's good. I even understand that it's sacred. I understand that it's not always simple. More importantly I understand its risks (on various levels) But not everyone thinks the way I think, right? Right. So…sex to me has become less of a big deal than say 5 years ago when I was a V, don't get me wrong I'm very cautious & I'm not just fucking everybody who passes…that's GROSS & I'm far too "the BOMB…TICK TICK" to allow such things!

What I am saying though is this: when, actually before I engage in the act, I have a fully diagramed conversation w/myself, b/c I recognize that I'm only in control of me. Hence, sex has no power over me, which ultimately renders the person I engage in the act w/powerless as well. UNLESS, I opt to forego that prerogative…UNLESS I say, hey "this is more than just sex to me right now…this is sacred & we're experiencing something profound here together, right?" Though often times, I'm not that into it…it really is just sex to me. I'm a very detached person…therefore I can completely veil my feelings (which some might argue is more often than not) when need be…though sometimes I have a hard time recognizing when to unveil, but that's another issue. Thing is I rarely engage in the act so freely w/whomever b/c like I said not everyone thinks like I think (AND I hardly like anybody!). I know men put up this big front (or do they) like they can have sex & that be that…but I've found that not to be the case, often times they are the ones stalking me. Okay maybe not stalking but getting more or less far more involved emotionally then me. Guess that goes back to the theory of me being a man disguised as a wo-man…well maybe so…or maybe I just don't give a fuck…"either way we fucking, either way!"-$ Mike (that's SO damn funny to me!) No. Really, I have to make sure I'm on the same accord w/my counterpart otherwise ain't shit happening…I hate to ruin or mislead or confuse feelings/relationships just b/c things got a little heated (& I liked it)…that doesn't mean my feelings for you have changed any…b/c I recognize (in adavance) that if they have, it's just the haze, the aftermath, the side effects of SEX, a very dangerous drug might I add, that I'll awake from in the morning!

GOOD NITE & GOOD MORNING BIATCH!

Until we meet again...

…buss 1 for me, lol!

Btw-I like Plies & he could prolly get it…as long as he does NOT call me his mf-ing buss it baby! Uh. No thanks. I have a DEGREE nigga! Act like you knew!

Oooh SCANDY*!

HAPPY SUMMER BEEEACH (isn't that clever how I spelled "bitch" like BEACH-btw I need a serious vacay that includes some beach action (& maybe fucking-WHA? I'm just saying...I have needs too!)!

~S. Parks

*scandalous-for you dorks out there ;-)

Guess who fucked up...

...Yep ME!
Guess I'm not that perfect huh...
So...this song epitomizes how I've been feeling for about 3 months now...YUCK & this past weekend did NOT help!

Blah!

~S. Parks

Almost forgot to mention that I totally adore this song & vid!

Spring Summer Feeling

For some reason I have really been thinking a LOT about being in love & loving someone & being loved & just all those matters of the heart, us Homo sapien sapiens, encounter. Maybe it's the heat…but I've just been trying to figure out what love means to me…if it's something I'm interested in @ the present…if it's something I'm willing to give a go again…if I even understand it…if I've learned anything from it & how I'm going to apply that knowledge to my next encounter.

Though I'm not that big on verbally expressing love, I definitely think I'm into love, when love is into me. Meaning, when (though it's only been once) I'm in love, I embrace it. I like it even. I thoroughly enjoy the moment. I kinda miss that feeling of being in love…I'm just fearful of being in love & not having the feeling reciprocated in a balanced manner, if you can understand that…

Basically, I've decided that I'm no longer settling (not that I have a habit of doing so). I just think I've decided that the next time I'm in love; I want him to be the one, a kinda scary thought huh? I know, but I'm serious. I'm not falling in love @ leisure again. I mean that's not to say I'm not dating & hanging & stuff…just not falling in love (if I can help it) until I know that the guy is that guy! Like the guy I could definitely marry (insert a very nervous emoction).

I want there to be no doubt in my mind that he loves me. That he is so besotted w/me that he can hardly even function w/o me. I want him to feel as though I literally complete him. That loving me is the greatest honor he's been bestowed. That I'm it entirely & abundantly. That every time he sees me he falls deeper in love. A love so true…that words aren't enough to express its goodness.

I'm talking a deep yearning for a person. A soul recognition. A spiritual encounter. A love that I believe only God can create between 2 people. I want to feel that in loving him I am not only making myself & him happy but God as well. I want to be comforted in knowing that in giving myself to him I will be safer than I have ever been in keeping myself from others.

One day, I hope to be blessed w/such an experience. I know what I'm worth & I'm willing to wait it out.

I'm preparing myself.

In the meantime I'll be loving me more & hoes less, lol…I'd advise you to do the same.

L8R Lovelies!

Xoxo,

S. Parks

Oh & Happy Birthday & 4^th of July to my idiot friend KarmCharm!

Searching…

I find myself searching…

Searching…

Searching for love.

My soul longs…

Hoping for that feeling.

I feel lonely.

I find myself searching…

For something I've already found…in you.

Love.

Is.

You.

I'm running.

From you.

Love.

I'm searching?

I'm found.

You found me.

I'm searching?

For me?

Or.

You?

Or.

Love?

~S. Parks