Monday, December 31, 2007

In 2008...

I know I know, resolutions=SO cheesy!

But these aren't resolutions...they are more so GIT acts! LOL!
I have to write things out...for them to manifest.
Say them aloud to believe their truth...you should try it...it works...tell yourself, "self, you're fabulous," Everyday & I bet come February no one will be able to tell you otherwise! In fact they will be in concurrence!

Get it? Well...Learn it. Love it. Live it!

There are just some things I need to make happen in '08 to assure that I'm on track for '09! Basically I need to do better...so b4 the year arrives...I've composed a little list of things that were important enough to compile themselves in my memory bank & stay put until I could jot them down...

So in '08...

I'm going to love me more!
I'm getting the _ _ _ _ up outta Memphis, permanently!
I will be completely self-sufficient by my birthday!
I will be debt-free! HALLELUJAH!!!
I'm buying a Range Rover.
I'm going to write more!
I'm going to be DRAMA FREE!
I'm going to live for ME!
I'm SO over folk & they bull_ _ _ _, I just can't deal in the '08, no indeed!
I'm going to read more books!
I'm going to travel more.
I'm going to do whatever makes me happy, b/c I can!
I'm going to save my $$$!
I'm going to be sweet to "2nd Chance" b/c he's sweet to me!

I'm going to grow in my relationship w/God!


Those are my plans & I believe them to already be done...I just have to make them manifest or @ least do my part b/c God has definitely done his & I trust Him to continue.
~Amen

Happy New Year folks.
Drink 1; Smoke 1; Pop 1 for me!

~S. Parks

Monday, December 24, 2007

Love Me, Love Me

I just like all the fuss.
The chase gives me a rush.
I'm not playing games.
I just like it when you say my name!
I swear that really turns me on!

Its the attention I crave.
I feel like a slave.
...b/c I'm an addict.
I just gotta have it.
Its (almost) better than sex.
...but it definitely makes me wet.

My happiness can't be bought.
I smile at the thought.
...but I'm sold to the highest bidder.
You've definitely won my heart.
Lol, all wrapped up in an ice box & bow.

I pretend. I know.
I'm just too self-ish to show.
I know you know I do.
I'm kinda into you too.
You're really all I know...


You're hott but not as haute as me though ;)

~Cookie

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Ice Princess

Doesn’t every girl dream of being a "little princess" or @ least treated like one? Of course they do…and I am no exception…in fact in my mind I am a "little princess." So…yeah I’m a princess @ 24…a princess w/an “icebox where my heart used to be.”
Who’s fault is that? Could be the ex’s…could be Jack’s…could be my daddy…could be my own doing. I’m 24 though, so the blame game is a little cheesy!

First step: Recognition.
Second step: Admission.
I Recognize.
I Admit.

I’m an asshole…problem is…I don’t mind being an asshole. I’ve convinced myself that people are fickle. Flaky. They will hurt you @ some point. So I’m over it before it happens. Ironic b/c I’m the person whose always wanting the best for other people i.e. my friends & family…I never seem to hold myself in that same regard. Though my biggest want in life is to be happy. Seems to be that I am sabotaging any opportunities for happiness.

Why? Maybe I think I don’t deserve happiness. Maybe I think it doesn’t really exist. Maybe I don’t even know what it is. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy then returning to unhappiness. All these maybes. I don’t know. I do know that I need to GIT & fast before I definitely miss out on something great or ruin my chances for happiness!

I.E. “2nd Chance”

I’ve basically forced “2nd Chance” to be in an open relationship. He couldn’t understand why. Says he doesn’t want anyone else. He’s with who he wants. “Why would I pursue something so diligently to ultimately be w/someone insignificant or do something stupid to jeopardize my pursuit. Makes no sense.” Yeah he’s right & I knew that before I asked him…”are you still talking/seeing other people?” He was taken aback that I would even ask such things. He quickly realized the question wasn’t really about him it was about me. “I realized I’ve forced you into something that you’ve tried your hardest to run away from, but ultimately you made the decision to be w/me…if it's not what you want say so, don’t bullshit me.” “I want it. I do. Now. I just don’t think I can fully commit to you yet. I’m just not ready (I said that about 10x). I don’t want to lose you but I don’t want to hurt you either. I’m just not ready.” (He sighs) Well I appreciate your honesty, but you have to make a decision. I’ve made mine. This about you not us. You don’t trust me. I don’t know what else to do. There is nothing else for me to do, but what I’m doing. I want you Shanette that’s obvious but I’m not going to force you to be with me. Just say the word & I’m gone.” (Now I’m sighing) “No. I just need time.” Him-“well you have until the end of January. I guess this means we’re in an open relationship but I don’t wanna hear shit about what you do w/whomever. I don’t even wanna think about the shit. So you do whatever you need to do to make sure that doesn’t happen (that’s the least you can do). Come February I don’t wanna hear shit else about this. If you still aren’t ready…I’m done Shanette, seriously…no discussions.”

It sounds as bad as it was. I felt pretty bad but I mean I really want to be honest w/him about where I am & how I’m feeling.

Truth is I don’t even understand what I’m feeling. I’m talking to other guys who are like dogshit compared to “2nd Chance” so it's not really another guy. It's me. I’m the problem.

I’m just not ready…to…be…in love…again. The thought of it makes my head hurt…makes me wanna vomit actually. I’m not a very fearful person but I’m really afraid of that. & I know. I know. Things are headed that way & I’m just not ready.

So I occupy my time w/bullshit to mask the real shit. BUT. Reality is: I’m wasting my time. His time. Everybody’s time. Being a little punk. I don’t want to hurt him. Especially over some whack shit.

I really don’t know what my deal is…I’m such an asshole but to the wrong people…well to everyone but not everyone deserves that!

Some kinda way I’ve started to be nicer to people who don’t deserve & I shit on people who deserve my goodness. Don’t know what that’s about…

Imma do better though b/c I should…for my own sake (& “2nd Chance too).

Sidebar: Is it not weird that he keeps giving me chances??? Does that not some suspect to you??? Like why would he allot me more time to make a decision when his whole reasoning for not talking to me that time was b/c he didn’t have any more time to waste on me? I’m probably over-analyzing as usual. I know. But I just think that’s kinda odd…but maybe that’s just me! I mean I know I’d be like “my nigga please” if he hit me w/that shit! Poor “2nd Chance” I don’t even think he really knows WTH he’s getting himself into!

~Shanette

“Basically I’m complicated. I have a hard time taking the easy way…I wouldn’t call it schizophrenia but I’ll be @ least 2 people today!” Gnarls Barkley