AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Oh the Holidays...they bring such a roller coaster of emotions & frankly I wanna get OFF! This is NOT what's hott off in these streets man. I just can't deal! I mean realized the other day...that "2nd chance" & I have cancelled out all the goodness we experienced initially b/c we've been so DOWN for like the past 2 months or so! Its amazing how if I go back & read the blog from several months ago hell it'll seem like I'm talkin about a totally diff guy! I mean in essence he is still the same...but somewhere along the way we experience a bump and now the traction is all OFF! I'm really tryna hang on man...but uh...I'm getting frustrated...w/myself...& that is UNACCEPTABLE!

So...here's the lastest...I texted him pre-STL...wait! You don't know what happened b4 that huh? Damn! I sho don't feel like telling you either! BASICALLY...we talked right b4 my b-day & the conversation was like so crazy to me. We discussed why I didn't want to be in a relationship (seriously b/c I don't wanna!) in depth ( he thinks its solely b/c the sex is bad...well...that's a BIG factor) & he talked about how he has issues w/me having sex w/other people (I don't...anymore...nt b/c of him...just cus). I was like "HUH?!" He was like yeah, so "that makes things awkward for me when we're together...in the sexual capacity." Is that not crazy??? I'm like "you have sex w/other girls right"...he's like "yeah"...I'm like "OHHHHHHKAY! WTH?!" He's like "they don't matter...you do." I'm like "my nigga please...you sounding extra crazy...absurd even." He's like "I just feel like you're the aggressor in that area, which is unusual. Is it not? (literally pauses, as if I was supposed to answer) SO, I feel pressured (he stole my phrase...such the thief!) to be...before we even knew each other well enough" I'm like man, "whatever..." Sounds like excuses & straight bullshit to me! So that was that...we didn't talk anymore until my b-day...he texted me some whack ass text..."Happy Birthday, Cookie. I want you...still." Me-->Blah. No reply. So anywhoo...since then we haven't chatted that much until...I texted him pre-Thanksgiving & I asked what he was doing for the holiday he replied "Jersey" I no replied...I mean what was the point...that was all I needed to know. You can't do shit for me in Jersey!

Now here's where the drama unfolds...I go out & guess who I see...yeah you guessed it...I see him! >:-O <--that's me shocked, appalled & PISSED! I made my presence known...he was surprised to see me...he tried to come over...I gave the COLDEST shoulder ever in life (as Bets would say cue the Rick James "She was cold as ice!")...lol...he was like "Uh. Okay. What's your problem?" I'm such a little girl...sometimes & I'm extra stubborn...I didn't say 1 word. I swear you would've thought he was talking to the air b/c he got no eye contact, no movement, no sound...nothing! He walked away. Texted me..."you are such a fucking jerk & I strongly dislike you when you do stupid ass shit like that. & If you disrespect me like that again...we will have a problem." Me-->Blah. No reply. Next day...I see him out during the day (what are the odds?!)...I skidaddle b4 making eye contact...or so I thought...he texted me...Iunno what it said...I no reply again...yes I'm an asshole & I don't mind. Anywhoo...next night...Out again...this time in a state of inebrieation (NOT good)...I approach this time leanin & shit...fly no less. My nigga was like "Get outta my face Shanette!" So here's a secret about me: I'm SUPER sensitive...always been that way so my feelings are hurt rather easily...though I rarely show it...when I'm in my right mind...well on Henn & shit...I was NOT in my right mind! I kinda clicked out. Oh lawd. Now we have a scene goings on here...not really but in his mind it was a scene (besides I'm not a scene making type girl...Imma drama queen but I'm NO fool!). His friends were like "bruh take her home." Lol! I was like "naw I'm good, I'm leaving how I came." So I went back to my respective area and he texted a few minutes l8r like "let me take you home & make you feel better!" Me-->Hmmmm, wonder what that means...I'm intrigued! So...yeah basically we left together.

Now here comes the SHOCKER...I know you not ready but ack like you are...the sex...was freaking AWESOME!!! OMGosh! I just kept thinking (lol) "is this 4real or am I dreaming?! No wait! Who are you?!" Woolawdie it was "WOW!" Man I was just so thoroughly amazed! I was SUPER excited! Then I was like..."Wait, no. Don't get excited! What if this is like a 1 time thing...like why all of a sudden is it just SO spectacular!?!" (Yeah I think too much...can't help it!) So I'm kinda figuring it was a combination of him being intoxicated & us fighting. All this fighting may have acted as an aphrodisiac.
What you think???
So here's the good. The bad. & the ugly.
Good: I know he can fuck (sorry to be so crass...but that's what I was thinking).
Bad: I don't know why after all this time and the undeniably BAD sex episodes, what made the sex GREAT...hence I can't repeat...meaning I don't know what ingredients are need to make certain that happens EVERY time!
Ugly: The sex was good enough to make me crazy. Like be one of those "dick will make you slap somebody" chick(courtesy of Lexy Tylor...she's the crazy truff...gotta love her!) all obsessed w/their bf (yeah I said "bf"...SO!). & yes that's ugly...b/c I aint NEVER EVER been that chick & don't NEVER wanna be THAT chick...so thought of it makes me nervous!
Its the combination of things...His extra fly look+His charming personality+His BIG ass bank account+His turning out to be 'bomb ass' dick=So Gone, like Monica! YIKERS!!! SCARY!!!

Me no no what to do now!
I'm afraid...very afraid!
Umph. We'll see what happens.
Oh oh oh...here's a 4 sure sign I'm trippin...after he took me back to my destination...I texted him like 5 minutes l8r to tell him how much I thoroughly enjoyed myself...I have NEVER in all my life done such a thing! If you know me or know the blog you know that I don't usually talk to a person after I have sex w/them for @ least 12-48 hrs...its just something I do...not purposely or anything. I just don't be wanting to talk...whether it was good or bad...doesn't matter...just some weird shit I do! (I'm not weird...just misunderstood!)

So yeah man...Iunno. Iun jus no.
I do know I'm impressed...NOT @ all an easy task. NOT @ ALL!!!
Got me daydreaming & shit...lol...I'm embarrassed.
I won't even tell my friends what has happened yet...scared I might slip up & say some crazy shit...like I'm doing right now...okay yeah I'm out...

L8R homes!

~Sdotter