b/c I don't wanna...

My response when "2nd chance" asked "So what's it gonna be?" No. "Well uh...why not?" ...b/c I don't want to.

He went off. The next day. I felt bad. Kinda. Wasn't tryna be a jerk. Thought it was better than actually saying why...but maybe not.

Maybe I should've said:

I don't want to b/c...
I'm not ready.
I'm doing me + myself + I...and you don't fit into the equation...yet.
I don't trust you...yet.
I trust me...even less.
I'm too young to go steady.
Its far too much pressure.

I don't want to have to ...
...tell you where I'm going.
...what I've been doing.
...when I'm coming back.
...who I've been screwing.

I don't want to b/c...
I like things the way they are.
I like you.
I really do.
Its the shit that comes after that I'm not trying to go thru!
My stomach hurts. I sweat. Head pounding...@ the thought.
I don't want to b/c...
I actually care about you.

I don't want to have to...
...not know you when I thought I knew...
...that you wouldn't hurt me like the rest of them do...
...give all of me + 10% like I usually do...
...in vain & unnoticed by you.

Then the long distance.
Though not that far.
Enough for me to have resistance...
...against the thought of yet another relationship...
...based solely on "are you coming to see me this weekend?"

Then there's the...well...yeah...the sex or lack there of...
...I feel like a wife...a sad little wife.
Who adores her husband, finda him attractive but lacks luster.
I'm trying. I'm dealing. I'm coaching.
Just not sure you're reciprocating.
And that for me is a prollum.
Biggie?
Yeah. Kinda.
I'm 23.
What's wrong w/wanting to have that aspect of your relationship be just as important as any other?
Once a guy wouldn't even date me b/c I was a virgin...lol...I was offended @ the time but now I understandd. Hey he had needs. He's a man. If he wasn't getting it from he'd get it from someone else...and why even bother getting involved to deal w/the drama. Save time. Trouble. And. Hearts.
Same concept.
I like sex.
For now. Its important.
Idunno what else to do or say.


So...there it is...the reasons why...I don't wanna.
Is that hard to understand?
Tuff to deal with?
A little overbearing??
Maybe...but it is what it is.
Why can't we just do what we're doing?
Why the labels?
Why the "commitment" convo?
Why?
I like this.
I like you.
I like us.
...but I don't like that.

I just don't wanna...not now.
Maybe later.
Maybe soon.
...but not today....nope I'm not gonna.

Hope you understand.
...but if you don't.
Then Idunno.
I'm not gonna front...

~Shanette