Saturday, September 29, 2007

b/c I don't wanna...

My response when "2nd chance" asked "So what's it gonna be?" No. "Well uh...why not?" ...b/c I don't want to.

He went off. The next day. I felt bad. Kinda. Wasn't tryna be a jerk. Thought it was better than actually saying why...but maybe not.

Maybe I should've said:

I don't want to b/c...
I'm not ready.
I'm doing me + myself + I...and you don't fit into the equation...yet.
I don't trust you...yet.
I trust me...even less.
I'm too young to go steady.
Its far too much pressure.

I don't want to have to ...
...tell you where I'm going.
...what I've been doing.
...when I'm coming back.
...who I've been screwing.

I don't want to b/c...
I like things the way they are.
I like you.
I really do.
Its the shit that comes after that I'm not trying to go thru!
My stomach hurts. I sweat. Head pounding...@ the thought.
I don't want to b/c...
I actually care about you.

I don't want to have to...
...not know you when I thought I knew...
...that you wouldn't hurt me like the rest of them do...
...give all of me + 10% like I usually do...
...in vain & unnoticed by you.

Then the long distance.
Though not that far.
Enough for me to have resistance...
...against the thought of yet another relationship...
...based solely on "are you coming to see me this weekend?"

Then there's the...well...yeah...the sex or lack there of...
...I feel like a wife...a sad little wife.
Who adores her husband, finda him attractive but lacks luster.
I'm trying. I'm dealing. I'm coaching.
Just not sure you're reciprocating.
And that for me is a prollum.
Biggie?
Yeah. Kinda.
I'm 23.
What's wrong w/wanting to have that aspect of your relationship be just as important as any other?
Once a guy wouldn't even date me b/c I was a virgin...lol...I was offended @ the time but now I understandd. Hey he had needs. He's a man. If he wasn't getting it from he'd get it from someone else...and why even bother getting involved to deal w/the drama. Save time. Trouble. And. Hearts.
Same concept.
I like sex.
For now. Its important.
Idunno what else to do or say.


So...there it is...the reasons why...I don't wanna.
Is that hard to understand?
Tuff to deal with?
A little overbearing??
Maybe...but it is what it is.
Why can't we just do what we're doing?
Why the labels?
Why the "commitment" convo?
Why?
I like this.
I like you.
I like us.
...but I don't like that.

I just don't wanna...not now.
Maybe later.
Maybe soon.
...but not today....nope I'm not gonna.

Hope you understand.
...but if you don't.
Then Idunno.
I'm not gonna front...

~Shanette

Friday, September 28, 2007

I'm the Prollum...

Okay, it's me...I realize. I confess. I digress.
I'm the prollum...but guess what I don't give a fuck!
I don't talk shit. I'm pretty quiet matter fact.
Yet I'm to blame for all the pain & never cut an ounce of slack.
Okay...so I'm the prollum...I get it now.
My tongue is sharp. My words quick.
Harsh but sincere. To your skin they stick.
I'm unaware of my effect.
Until its too late & my words I regret.
Or not. Really.
I mean well. The delivery is just off.
I'm honest.
I'm melancholy.
I have slight asshole tendencies.
I'm me.
I feel.
I cry.
I laugh.
I have weak moments.
I'm me.

Change is weird.
I'm not a fan.
I've changed enuff for people & situations.
Some good.
Some bad.
I'm not changing anymore.
I wuz who I wuz b4 I got here.
If you don't like it...do what I do...relieve yourself.

I am commited to no one.
No one is commited to me.
I fear commitment.
Too much pressure.
I'm sorry "2nd chance" I'm just not ready.
Ready for you.
Ready for me...you're not...you just think you are.
I'm a task and I know that...but I'm free.
Free to be me. In a world where being you is...well its...Golden.

So if you find that I'm your prollum.
I'd advise you to relieve yourself for I am living...my life like its Golden ; )

As long as I got my Mommy & Jesus...I'm straight, like T.I.!

I love my friends.
I love my family.
I just love me more.
What's wrong w/that?
I gotta be this way to get me together.
If I don't...who will?
Eggzactly.
No one.
Not you.
Not them
Not her.
Not him.
Me, myself & I.
Nobody can match my hustle but me.
Nobody can understand my struggle but me.

Can't continue to live my life always putting myself out there for others!
Or can I?
Is that my life?
Huh God?
Is that my destiny?
To dedicate my life to the betterment of others?
At the cost of...my sanity.
Though I hope not. If it is. I accept.

...and w/that I'm blowing...like the wind...until we blog again...I'm going to pop a Xanax cus y'all tryna drive me nutz!

~Shanette

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Stupid September!

Can I just tell you guys something?! Really??? Okay, here goes...
September has been the worst fuckin month EVA!
I mean like really!
Its been so bad that I can't even cry about the shit!
That's how you know shit is bad when you've just zoned the fuck out, suck it up, and deal, like the shit is okay. Well gotdamnit! This shit is NOT okay! FUCK! I need vacay man, like yesterday! A massage like 3 weeks ago, and some head like a month ago! Real talk!
I mean. Shit is bad. The fam is crazier than eva. I'm on the edge man...I'm on the mufuckn edge. Swear to God. Don't gimme a reason or I'm jumpin the fuck off...not really...but you know.
*sighs*
Then I have had like 75 (BAD) encounters w/exes! Its like revenge of the fuckn ex! The hell?! GO A WAY! BEtta yet...Imma go away cus clearly I'm the fuckn prollum! CLEARLY!!! SHIT!

First...saw punk bitch dawg married ass C. Que, often referred to as the ex. Ugh I was so thoroughly annoyed by his presence. I mean like I lit wanted to vom! He was so outdone that I wouldn't give him the time of day. "No bitch! I'm ova yo dawg ass. Fuck you & an yo GOOD dick!" (LOL!) I swear to god I think I hate him...is that a sign I still have feelings for him??? I doubt it. But maybe. Not like "I wanna be w/him" type feelings. Just like "I still can't believe you fucked me over, cus I really did love you" type feelings. Always a possibility. Anyways. Seen dat nigga twice. Both times I skedaddled. I swear he just does NOT get it! I don't think he ever will. I could be married w/4 kids (please lawd! NO!) and dat nigga would still try me! Ugh! He's so fuckin egotistical! YUCK! Anywhoo...that was about the jist of our encounters.

Movin on...

Not sure if I've ever mentioned this guy, B who I was once friends; we got intimate & shit got crazy. Basically we've been friends since Junior High. We kinda lost touch in highschool. Even more so in college until one time I went to ATL for NBA All-Star weekend & we spotted each other amongst the enormous crowd of black folk! He was going to Morehouse. I was @ Dillard. We vowed to neva lose touch again (awwww). No really he was a really cool guy. So I was excited to see him and catch up and stuff.

Next time I saw him was about 6 months later in Memphis. Out. We had been talkin alot via e-mail and stuff. Just reg catch up chat. Well...this time he was kinda extra in my face. Kinda extra touch feely. I felt kinda weirded out but I blamed it on da liquor. Until...later that night he texted me and it wasn't a regular "how you doin" text...more like...how YOU doing (like Joey from Friends). So anywhoo...he kinda hooked up. The next day. I was like "aww shit that was not a good look Shanette." Well no IT was good but the fact that we did that...we didn't discuss it first...or nothing. But it seemed cool...he didn't trip & neither did I. This went on for like 2-3 years @ random...not often @ all...b/c he lived in the A & I was in the N.O.

Then he got a girl (she is a straight nut basket btw-from Cali-so you know how they are!). They got serious. We talked less. I got involved. It got serious. We rarely talked. Then I went to ATL and we saw each other out. We were both in limbo w/the "boos" so...you know how that turned out. Anyways...lemme get to the point...last new years he invited me to the A...mind you he's engaged...so I'm ALREADY set-up for failure. As I've stated b4 though. I don't do niggas w/gals. Like I'm not even the least bit attracted to that shit. I mean you know how they always talk about women who are SO attrcted to a nigga that's "off the market." Well not this one. Aint shit cool about fuckin a nigga you can't have whether you want to or not! That is whack as fuck and pretty gotdamn desperate if you ask me! Maybe I just think I'm haute shit. Yeah. Maybe. Humph.
So anyways went to the A for New Years right. Okay. Introduced me to his friends/bizness partners. MELIKEY! So I'm like HEY! No disrespect but you know...Imma do me! Well guess not if this bitch ass nigga is cock-blocking ALL fucking day & night! The hell?! He toting me around like I'm his armpiece and shit! "Oh lawd, help me, help me please!" That's what I was thinking but I remained cool! UNTIL this nigga hauls off & KISSES ME...ME...IN THE MOUTH...IN PUBLIC!!! I almost had a paroxysm in that hoe! "Oh JESUS, LAWD ON HIGH, WHY ME LAWD WHY ME?!" Lets get some shit straight. I don't like pub affection. No thanks. I kinda don't hardly like kissing. Bag up! Then this bitch not even my nigga "What in the holy hell are you doing sir?!" He talkin bout he "got caught up in the moment!" "Bitch you betta get up in that crazy bitch you just asked to marry you! Cus I aint the one...and that hoe has already tried me once! She might be crazy but I will get w/her crazy ass, if she gets wrong! Don't even...!" So anyways...night goes on...I got W A S T E D! So on the drive home...as we pull up to his house...he stops me like "Hold up, I really need to tell you something." I'm like "tell me in the house man! I have to relieve myself!" He's like "no, this can't wait...Shanette...I...I'm in love w/you.

Me:"29ue93ifajfjvhih9uf04Q3PRJFIEWJDJBFUSGW8yr30qrofeks/a*l.ojkl,9uhgn*YDvz9!!!" That's me actually having a conniption...so much so...that I vom'ed all in this man's G-wag! (HA) Poor wag! Naw but fa real. I did hurl. And I ran in the house. Hoped in the shower and jumped into bed...the guest bed, thanks! Not muttering a word. Next morning. Got my ass on the FIRST thing outta that hoe. Do ya hear me?! I don't fucking play around w/no gotdamn love shit man! I be scurred of that shit. Esp if I don't feel the same way...and I do NOT! He was callin, and calling, and calling, and texting and e-mailing! I was like "let it go brother, just let it go! I need time to even fig if Imma still be yo friend eva again in life!" That was January 1, 2007.

Fast Forward...September 21, 2007.

He calls. I don't answer.
He texts: "I'm in town, can I see you? Just a friendly dinner. Sushi?"
Aww damn...Sushi! My weakness!
I reply: "Aight. Coo. See you in a few."

He smelled yummy. Looked even better. DAYUM! Too bad I was looking the best! HA!
We ordered. Made small talk. The weather-lit. The current events. Football. Etc.
Got personal. How he & wifey are doing. Nope not married yet. He gave me an invite. I trashed it on the way out..."WHA?! I don't need that shit...I aint going! Why?! SO that bitch can be lookin @ me all sideways?! No fuckin thank you!" Its December 8th. He seemed excited. Weird. Anxious. I told him I wasn't coming but I'd send my gift. He said "I fig as much." I said "Good!" Then he asked about me and my life..."has anyone tamed you yet?" I said "Negative...next topic, thanks!" He laughged, nervously. Food came. We ate. Drank. I was a little tipsy. AS was he. *aww shit!* Here comes the Bullshit! He asked "why'd you run from me???" I said "wth did you expect me to do, say I love you back, kiss you and we make passionate love all night?!" He laughed, "No, but I @ least thought we could talk about it!" Me: "Why nigga, I was on like 12 shots of patron. I wasn't tryna talk about shit but them sheets homey!" Him: "Well you could've @ least let me explain. I wasn't tryna conquer you. I was just being honest!" Me: "Conquer me?! WTF am I a gotdamn quest?! Nigga please! I know you! And I know how much you like that nut basket bitch you marrying and I know you don't fucking love me...you might love HER (as in the girl between my legs-Ha! tHAT COMEBACK-toldja!) but, no you don't love ME! I ran for YO sake as well as mine!" Him: "Yeah, I know. I was so caught up! I really do think I love you, but I KNOW I love her (his nutty fiance')." Me: "Yeah I love you too...but I don't LOVE love you! I mean you know...you my nigga but you scurred the shit outta me w/that!" (Seems like errthing is going cool huh? Hold on...this is where shit takes a turn for the WORST!)Him: "So you never thought you were in love w/me?!" Me: "Hells fucking no! I know how to handle my emotions...I'm not a lil bitch...no pun intended!" Him: "I'm offended. I think you're lying. I don't believe you. It was more than just sex. It always was! Me: "Nigga iz you rollin or do you just WANT me to cuss yo ass out and hurt yo feelings?! 1st: the sex was NOT GREAT enuff for me to even get on that level of delusion. 2nd: you not even my type. 3rd: I fucked your friend homey!" That last one wasn't supposed to come out...blame it on the liquor. I could tell I struck a nerve. He started to twitch. The waiter came w/the ticket. He grabbed it and jetted towards the door. I looked around like "did this nigga just throw a fit?!" I checked my gloss. Retouched. Slipped on my shoe. Grabbed my purse & keys. Headed towards the door to find him outside crying like a BITCH! I laughed. "B, are you seriously crying homey?!" Him: "Shanette you are a horrible fucking person, you don't even know how much I care about you. I'd leave her (nutty fiance) for you, I'd give it all up for you (y'all should see my face). I just don't understand what a nigga has to do to be "dat nigga"!" I swear to god. I travelled outside of my body. Looked @ myself. Pointed & said bitch run for the hills. This nigga is nutz. "IS there a camera around?! Cus this shit is NOT real! WTH are you talkin about man?! I neva knew you was tryna be w/me like that. Hell. You aint neva say shit! Then you get a fiance' and I'm posed to be impressed cus you say you love me. Hell fuck no. Who do you think I am?! I aint none of these...blah blah blah!" He wigged out. Said fuck me. Hopped in his ride and jetted. I stood there in sheer and utter amazement. "WTF is this life I'm living?!" I thought to myself. *sighs* (I'm NOT that bad either, fuck him! He's a nut job! FA REAL!) Then he texted me this morning talkin bout "Sorry, he went off but I hurt him." I disregarded, honey...I aint got time for coo coo for cocoa puffs shit! GTFOH!
Man fuck these hoe ass niggas. I swear to god I was born into a generation of lying ass bitches and weak ass niggas! I'm better the fuck off A LONE shit! They all garbage! Niggas get a grip! Bitches get some dignity! I mean I'm jus saying. I'm sawry but I jus can't let niggas do whateva the fuck they want to me...hells no! I don't need y'all. Next thing I know. They'll be askn me some shit like be they serrogate mother, or counsel they marriage, or let me live w/you while we work shit out...you know? Some crazy Michael JAckson (Off the WAll) type shit! ...and I just can't do it! I swear to god! I can NOT!


...and on that note...I'm out...

Until we blog again...I'll be looking forward to October...@ least Fall's here! Thank God!

L8R homes!

~Sdotter!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I think I think too much...

So when I orginally started this post I had like a whole lot to blog about...but...time passed and now that I actualy have time to type it...I have nothing...pretty crappy huh?!
Yeah, I think so too.

So. I'll just kinda make up some stuff about right now (9/20)...and see if anything comes back to me from several days ago when this post originated (9/16).

When I grow up I want a Whole Foods Market & Starbucks in my house...think that's feasible? (I'm @ Starbucks now...headed to Wild Oats<--knock off Whole Foods) Memphis doesn't have a Whole Foods...stupid Memphis!

I SO ♥s Seconds of Pleasure by Van Hunt.
"...life's little treasures."

I think I'm like the only person in the world who still listens to the group Playa...remember them...that Timbo, Ginuwine, Missy, Aaliyah clique...late 90s...Cheers 2 U?! Ringin any bells??? No?! Anh well! I ♥s them!

Okay so here's something boys should know...its 2007...girls like sex! We like it alot. We like it fast. We like it slow (well I kinda don't but you know...). We like it long-sex. We like it alot. We like it intense. We like it in the car. We like it in a bar. We like it alot. We like it w/syrup & butter...lol...okay not really, but that sounds fun, sticky, but fun. We like it in bed. We like it from behind (YES!). We like it alot. We like it w/no strings attached. We like just doing it & not talking about it. We like it everyday...lots of diff ways. We just like it...alot! We prolly like it more than you...@ least I know I do!
Sam(antha) I Am!

I screen ALL my damn phone calls. Shiiid! I don't be wanting to talk to nodamnbody!
Seriously. Not sure what that's about but I've been that way 4 like eva. I was neva one of those teens who was always on the phone. I was always online or reading a book or hanging w/my Mommy or Suder (awwww). I mean like The only people I actually like talking to on the phone like on a day to day is Krib-the BFF & "2nd chance" I can stand to talk to Nic-the crazy lady who bore my fav baby, like ever other day. Bets-my nigga, well she no like the phone either so no worries there. Besides we talk online & text all day. Sach-the LOML-maybe...sometimes...but we text ALL day...so no phone converse needed.
That's all though.

Boys, Boys, Boys, Boys...MeAdore...Boys, MedoAdore!
Until...they piss me off...then I be back in my fuck em girl mode.
I like em though. I like em alot (in an English accent...lol).
I like the way they feel. The way they touch...ME...that is.
I like the way they smell (Boom Chicka WAh WAH!-I don't actually like Axe though).
I like the way they tell...me...I'm the best!
I like the way they sound.
LOL! I like the way they pipe me down! HAHA!

Yeah I'm nasty! SO WHAT?! (I stole that from Nic)

Wanna know something?
K...here goes...
Up until recently I never faked orgasms.
Up until recently I never faked cumming.
(You guys do know there's a difference, right?)
I would just be like I mean "I came but it wasn't orgasmic."
Then Bets was like, "Hey Pops, that's not nice man, like you have to be a little more gentle, not so tuff man!" Me-"Bitch please!"
But no like really, hell I aint know. I mean I'm jus sayin. Don't ask me then. Or don't be looking @ me like how was it, cus Imma tell you.
OMGosh. I would have never thought I'd have to fake busting a nut<--is that too gross...sawry if it is...not really though.
Anywhoo...I got NO pleasure out of the act @ all! Are you fucking kidding me?!I was like "Oh Lawd, I repent Lawd, this aint even worth it!"

I swear I be lookin @ fat people like "Are you sure you wanna eat that?!" I mean I know that's not right or whatevs but hey, if I care, why don't you?!

Guess what, bitches! I'm Tall! 6 feet even to be exact (HAHA to all you short wannabe bitches)!

I swear I HATE when people ask (b/c I'm tall) if I play(ed)basketball or if I'm a model. I'm jus like "naw, but thanks, I guess." No. I really hate when people just stare & don't say shit! I mean. I'm like "PEOPLE! DO YOU KNOW THAT SHIT IS RUDE?! DO YOU KNOW?!" Okay, so maybe you're in awe. Maybe you're like "OMGosh she's TALL!" Wth fuck knows?! Cus see I'm in my mind & you're in yours. As smart as I am. I'm NOT a fucking mind reader...so stop staring bitches cus Idunno wtf y'all thinking in those rude little heads of yours! Ugh! I swear! Being tall is like the new haute shit (according to some white lady who came in Banana & saw me)-take that, take that(Puff Daddy)! Though I've been tall for like 23+ years now & the shit is pretty regular to me. The world is a trip aint it...well America...and according to the rest of the world we think we are THE world...but anywhoo...

I have serious issues w/people asking me questions...not sure why, though. I just know it literally pisses me off to like no end. I know that shit is crazy but I'm serious. I hate it. (Prolly why all my damn relationships fail...nay...its them!) I mostly have these issues during phone calls. I hate for people to call me and be like "Where are you?" (I'm thinking do want like exact intersections and shit?!) I'm like "Why gotdamnit! I'm where the fuck I'm @!" Oh NO! I REALLY hate "How long you gonna be?" Did you mufuckas know I AM a GROWN ass woman?! Did you?! Huh?! Well I am, shit! I think I kinda don't like "what you doing" either, but I know thats just too damn crazy so I'll let that one go. Questions I don't mind are...How are you? If you don't ask me how I am first. I am just automatically annoyed. I also don't mind "what did you eat today?", "how was your day?"...if that's weird...oh well damnit! Get over it!

Now this is something that drives me nutz but its SO crazy. Even I think its crazy. I HATE yawning & I HATE when other people yawn. I'm just like "dude that is the most random, dumbest shit ever...like seriously, wth is that shit about?!" Me no likey.

After I lost my virginity I wanted to have sex w/the boys I talked to while I was a virgin...lol...I didn't though. They be tryin and I be movin...right on roun! HA! Well cept for Jack ; ) he's special! "Hey Jack, where are you, you jerk!" I don't even think that nigga has an e-mail address! WTF does NOT have an e-mail address in 2007?! He still live in the New Jack City era-what's that the early 90s?!'Jack! You are seriously out of touch w/mufuckin reality, bruh! GIT!

I need to revisit & revise my game plan for getting out of Memphis...on today's agenda.

I can NOT wait until my b-day...not so much for the actual '24' part but for the celebration bitches! YEAYUH! Its goings D O W N in da H-TOWN...then off to NOLA! YAY!
If you see me in the streets...Udunno me!

I always wanted a nose ring but I HATE my nose. Been strongly considering rhinoplasty.
Used to have a tongue ring-btw. My BFF talked about me SO bad until I just took the bitch out...had it for like 2 years though.
*ahhh the life of the young, free, & uninhibited college student*

I miss NOLA!
I miss Mardi Gras. I miss Bourbon St. I miss la Madeleine's. I miss the Trolley Stop. I miss Robin's. I miss Slice. I miss the HOB. I miss the lake. I miss Raj. I miss Club Cameron-my house-where the party NEVA stopped. I miss the sno-ball stand. I miss the daiquiri shop. I miss Zimmers. I miss DU. *sighs*
Correction(9/21 @ 2:21 p.m.): The #1 reason I miss NOLA is Nic-the crazy lady who bore my fav baby, the Maddness, my #1!!! Oh how I ♥ them so! (Madd please don't grow up & be crazy like yo mama!)

I'm not having children. Ever. No. Thanks.

I'm going to write a book. In 2008. Will be finished by 2009. Out in 2010.

I'm getting a new job. Don't what kind. Don't know where. But I'm getting it. DASK is for the birds!

I'm getting some new jeans: R&Rs & TRs

I'm going back to school. Masters in English maybe? Thinking about fashion school. That sounds kinda "white-girlish" though. Think I wanna be buyer or something cool like that. Can I have cool job like Heidi on "The Hills"?! Huh God? I can?! YIPPEE!!!

This Biology degree sucks!I don;t even wanna be an MD anymore. Was thinking about a Masters in Biotech...then Law school. Patent Law maybe. But Iunno. Iunjusno.

What the hell do I wanna do w/my life?!
Jesus Christ, take the wheel cus this is drivin me NUTZ!

I'm moving by/b4 August 2008. D.C. maybe (though I've neva been). ATL maybe. STL maybe. Philly maybe. Who knows...but I'm gone come 8/08! Holla back M-town!

Think I don't have orgasms as much b/c I think too much during sex...lol...I don't make any noise...lol...Bets says that is some crazy shit! I mean what?! Okay. Fine! I'm working on it...but like for some reason that makes me lose focus when I start tryna incorporate sound...feels like I'm puttin on a gotdamn show!

I dislike phone sex. Only do it cus boys-haven't found a boy yet who doesn't-like it!
Dislike b/c I don't be wanting to say shit and Iun make noise and I need both my damn hands-tmi??? Sawry.

People get on my nerves. Like a lot. Heard I'm an asshole w/a bad attitude. Humph<--that's I say...and we ALL know what I say...GOES!

Thinking about givin in to "2nd chance". He offered...a uh...relationship. Okay wait nope. Not gonna do it...just typing it made me ill. Haven't been ab;e to tell anyone else about this yet...will tell Bets soon...scurred of her rxn. Here's a brief recap: 2C:"So I was thinking we should go ahead & stop bs'ing!" Me: Whatever do you mean?! I'm no bs'er! 2C: HA! No fa real. What you think? Me: Uhhh...I think...I need to think some more. 2C: Fine. But don't think too much! Me: Umph. I'll see what I can do.

I like somebody...he doesn't know though. Not "2nd chance" I'll prolly stop soon though. So I won't even bother tellin you who he is. He doesn't like sushi & he has an ugly name. The slightest/weirdest things turn me off...as you can read huh?
I know...I know. I be tryna do better but shit! *sighs*

Okay. I never did think of the stuff I was gonna blog about...so Imma jet...been in here (*bucks) far too long!

I need to read a book. As do you. Think Imma read...The Darkest Child by Dolores Phillips. Shouts out to clutch for keeping me on my shit! http://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/delores-phillips-author-of-the-darkest-child/


Did you guys know that I LUBS YE?! No like really! LUBS him to pieces! He ALWAYS knows jus what to say...I be like "DAYUM, homey that's how I'm feeling TOO!" Can't hardly not stand Cam'ron though (listening to Gone. Late Registration) He is so fucking WHACK...Ugh! Whack niggas...I swear I hate a whack nigga...I'm like Ye...all whack niggas should kill themselves...not really but you know...
Look @ us! I was SUPER excited too...lol...can't tell?! I'm kinda nonchalant. Sawry.
(...and yeah I was a blonde...for like a minute...literally...my hair fell out!)

OMGosh can y'all tell me wtf these folk moved Sex & the City from 11:05 to 1:05 AM-replaced it w/the Simpsons, then King of the Hill, then Jimmy Kimmel-like regular! I'm like "The fuck?! The Simpsons?!" ...and I like The Simpsons but not over SATC! If anyone, ANYONE would like to purchase me a b-day gift here's a thought: the SATC complete dvd set in the special lil case & all! OMGosh I'd be SO overjoyed! Like really!

Oh yeah. I'm wearing black today. In support of Jena 6.
"Racism's still alive...they just be concealing it!" ~Ye

Until we blog again...go check out eclectik-relaxation.com
My new fav spot to hang & catch a laugh. Hard to make me laugh so I be over there alot...find something gotta stick w/it...right? RigHT!
So anyways...its nodstalgic. its intriguing. its comical. its weird-my cup of tea. It kinda makes my day. Kinda.
Not to mention the author is a real piece of work-in a good way ; )
Though he ignores his commentators...boooooo!(j/k)

Did I forget to mention that I absolutely I HATE being ignored! Well, like I hate delayed responses! I mean why?! What's that about?! Just be like I'm busy right now or something...or be real short and I'll get the picture that yo dawg ass don't wanna talk, since you can't just say the shit! Niggas *rolls eyes*! (lol-that' what I do-btw-the real short thing-ha!)

Lemme tell you 1 more thing I hate...proofreading!!! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
So if you see errors...I'll fix em later. When I feel like it. Hell you do it then! Well sthu, bitches! : D
*Update-fixed em & added some stuff*

BTW-I gave y'all SO much today! Pics and all!
WOWZER! "Can I get that handclap?!"

L8R Losers!

~Sdotter!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

No one???

Is it just me-this has nothing to do w/today's post btw-or do you like stop liking an artist as much when they get too much media coverage?! Maybe I have issues w/everyone knowing them so I don't feel like its my own exclusive shit anymore. You know I'm a Scorpio so we have that slick jealousy thing tuff! Like Bey. Good i.e. b/c I really ♥ Bey! I mean like really. But I'll be damned if that bitch is NOT working my nerves! I am SO over her right now, on today. Please hoe, go sit D O W N! DAYUM! Let me miss you man! So I can be excited to see you but hell if I just saw you yesterday then shit I don't wanna see you today & tomorrow too HELL! I mean I'm jus saying...but hey maybe that's just ME. Prolly so huh?! Since errbody ♥ Bey *rolls eyes*! Like okay when John Legend was underground or whatevs. Like I was ♥ing him SO much. Then he got all "famous" and now. I mean. I still like him. I just don't love him as much. Like Alicia Keys. After she had come out. She was just starting to get a lil attention. I liked her a lot. Now. I be like "Lawd! I wish they would STOP hyping this girl up! We get it! She can sing. She can write. She can play. She's talented! OKAY OKAY!" Well. Kinda. Until she puts out something new. Then I get excited again. Which brings me to today's post. Brought to in part by Ms. Keys, herself with the new shit No One, which-btw-is what it is. Hate her or love her. The girl is talented. Undeniable talent...until she starts getting on my nerves...lol!

Anywhoo...so no...I'm not doing another Listen UP! today b/c Imma assume y'all have heard the song & pretty familar w/the jist. (If not...you really needs to do betta! No like really!)
Its not really applicable-Well...yeah. No. It's not-so I'll leave it @ that & keep it moving.

So...I was jammin-literally-to the song today. Thinking to myself. I wonder how it feels to be in such blissful love that no one can get in the way of what you're feeling?! That is some scurry shit for me man! Then I thought. Wait! I'm the mufucka gettin in my own gotdamn way! The hell man?!?! I think I might slick be a punk! That was REALLY hard for me to say-like OUCH! But I seriously think I am! AAARRRGGGHHH! I think I get in my own damn way in more than 1 aspect of life.
Such a G but STAY bitchin up! Now that shit does NOT add up!
I swear I needs to DO BETTA man! UGH! I'm trying! I swear I am!
Okay. Fine. Give "2nd chance"...a real chance. FINE! GOTDAMNIT! FINE! *sighs* You-self-better be right too-or I'm not givin the next nigga NO slack! FUCK that SHIT-hell! Somebody's gotta pay roun here! Okay fine! I will do betta about budgeting my $$$. Okay fine! I'll do betta about handlin my bizness! Okay fine! I'll do betta about GTFO Memphis!
Imma jus do betta. DAYUM! Self-evaluation is TUFF! *sighs*

Tomorrow's agenda-DO BETTA, taking it one day @ a time b/c no one can get in your way but YOU, Sdot!

Until we blog again...I'm off to do worse fo I do betta...got about 2 hrs to do so...will keep you posted on my betterment! YAHH!

POB!

~Sdot

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Listen UP!

I feel so...misunderstood. Like I feel like I don't even understand me anymore!
...and that's NOT okay. Like @ all.
*sighs* Idunno what's going on w/me man...Iunjusno.
Fortunately Com does so...today's Listen Up! is...
Common's Misunderstood off his latest Finding Forever.
BTW-If you don't have it...you're tuhrippin! FA REAL!


Baby, you understand me now
If sometimes you see that I'm mad
No one can always be an angel
When everything goes wrong you see some bad
Well I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

[Common]
Yeah, uh (Misunderstood)
We do this, for the people that walk that path
Tryna get to their dream, yeah, uh (oh)

He stood on the corner with the rest of them
Though he knew that this corner wasn't the best of him
Hard streets and a life that crested him
Dirt police domestic beefs that's festerin
He knew the President wadn't addressin him
Though dead presidents was undressin him
Two kids from hot sex no protection and
People don't see how AIDS is affectin 'em
It get hard to get the get the God question in
Can't find a job so you robbin and hustlin
He killed marks and sold dope for cousin 'em
Can't believe they would be the ones bucking him
He on the ground he could feel God touching him
He heard the sound of his moms sayin trust in him
At heaven's gate, saying please Lord let me in
Or send me back to tell my people to be better men

[Chorus]
Misunderstood
'Cause we are - Misunderstood
Misunderstood, Don't let me be misunderstood
I'm just human, oh

[Common]
Uh, yeah
She dancin she dance she dance for them
Her body move but her mind was manic'n
Thinkin I don't know where they hands have been
Relationships with men have been so damagin
She thought back to when she was at Howard and
Dreams of doing scenes with Terrence Howard and
Broadway plays and dancin with Alv and them
The ones that make it always ain't the talented
Some dreams get lost never to be found again
At first strippin seemed so empowerin
Most every girl wanna do it now and then
But bein meat every day is devourin
Cats puttin paper where she put powder and
Life would break her, now she powderin
She was high when she fell down and then
Crowd surrounding and, heart was poundin and
She fell into a deep sleep the siren sounded and
Seen bright lights in the midst of clouds and then
Talked to God, feeling like his child again
Said Lord let me live so I can make you proud again

[Chorus]

The life we lead, will always lead us
And we pray that he, will never leave us
It's the price we pay, I guess that's the reason
Why my grandma sang, we all need Jesus [2x]

Misunderstood, don't let me be, misunderstood
Misunderstood, don't let me be, misunderstood
I'm just human


Until we blog again...

I'm blowing this popsicle stand!

POB!

~Sdot

Sunday, September 9, 2007

In the Worst Kinda Way.

Today's post is brought to you in part by Erykah Badu's I Want You from her last release Worldwide Underground. BTW-Ms. Badu, WHERE ARE YOU?! You're long overdue for a new release! HURRY! HURRY! We're gettin impatient!

Anywhoo...back to the topic.

I was thinking today on my way home from work, btw-work on Sundays is for SUCKAS! I swear I needs to do BETTA!!!
So yeah. Driving. Listening. Thinking. Wondering. If I have ever wanted someone in the worst kinda way...hmmm???
I mean that's some SERIOUS wanting. Like I don't be believing folk when they be like I want you SO bad...
I mean yeah I'm confident. A little arrogant...well no vain maybe. But I still be like "man, get outta here w/that mess! Ain't nobody believin you roun here! Sell that dream to the next dodo"

I guess b/c for 1: I thought that kinda want wasn't possible.
Like when I was a kid.
I wantED:
A sega.
A Barbie Dollhouse.
A puppy.
A horse.
To move back to St. Louis
Now.
I WANT:
A new job real bad.
Some new jeans.
Lots of money.
My transcript.
Sex on demand.
Oooh oooh I REALLY want a Range Rover!!!

Some of these things I've gotten & some I'll get but even if I didn't/don't I'm aight b/c I don't want any of those in the worst kinda way...oh wait maybe there is 1 thing...I want to GTFO of Memphis like SO bad!!! But I still don't think its in the worst kinda way. That to me means like I want it SO bad I feel like Imma die. I want it SO bad...its literally ALL I think of. I want it SO bad...by any means necessary Imma get it. Like that there. Is a fa REAL WANT! (Wait. Maybe. I DO! Wanna get outta Memphis that bad! Gosh! This place is AWFUL!)
Think I might've reached that point.
Well no wait. Not Imma die. More like...Idunno...feel like Imma be sick. Maybe.


Shocked?!
Yeah. Me too.
Scared! More than anything though.

"2nd chance"
I like literally can't control my thoughts.
And I NEED control!
I want to NOT like him SO bad!
Weird? I know.
Its just that...I'm not ready.
Not mentally.
Though. I want him more than anyone I've ever wanted...even this one guy in NOLA-TU-football-"What yo name iz?!SHAWTY"...lol!
That was a sexual want though. I think this is more.
I want him. Yet I've experienced the sexual...and as you know...its NOT what it is...hence I'm confused.
If its not the sex I want. What is it???
Iunno. Iunjusno. I'm afraid to even fig it out!

I do know. When I see him. I want him like its my first time seeing him. Like I forgot the sex is awful. Like nothing else matters. Like no one else is around. Like I'm not even me...
...I'm someone else pretending to be me who looks, like me, dresses like me, acks like me, but doesn't quite feel like me.
But I like it...not enuff to give in...yet.
But just enuff to be really nervous!

I SO wanna NOT like him!

Someone said you can't jus stop liking someone.
I was like "UGH, WHAT?! Yeah you can!"
My Mommy always told me I could do anything I want as long as I put my mind to it!
So...I think I might...do just that...I'll let you know how that goes...or not.

If I don't that means...it didn't go well...if I do...it went okay???
Not really...but you know....wait didn't I try this once already...oh Lawd...think I'm STILL just...uh...being In too Deep! Maybe my friend was right...???
*sighs* Jesus Lawd on High...HELP ME HELP ME PLEASE!!!

My mind's playin tricks on me!

Until we blog again...

I'm blowing
&
praying
&
hoping
&
wishing!

Getting it Togetha

~Sdot

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

What's THAT about???

So like I was thinkin...about sex (yes I think about sex ALOT...SO! Shet up!) & who I can have it with...since I have no J.O. & like ALL my damn exes are practically off the market ( I jus don't "do" folk w/gals...why? b/c hey I've been somebody's gal...and that shit ain't coo<--being cheated on...so I refuse contribute to the cheating!)

Then I started thinking why in the holy hell is errbody getting married??? No like really! What's THAT about???

Then I started thinking...why are ALL my exes married???
Like what does that mean, eggzactly???
What does THAT say about ME???

No like really. Lets see...5 out of like 7 guys I've talked to kinda seriously are engaged or married! What is that like 72% or some shit (my math skills are kinda rusty so...check it out). I mean not to like brag or anything but I went in & did some MAJOR damage control! I mean like no really I upgraded them to like husband material. Guess that's my bad huh?! Ugh! I swear I hate that shit more than actually being cheated on...so what they're my leftovers...they're good leftovers. Why? B/c I had em!

The shit that kills me is...they want me to be wifey's friend. Yet they still wanna be my friend. Slick have an affair. I'm like WTF am I living in the gotdamn Twilight Zone?! Sheesh!

Seriously though. I wonder if I'm only: "girlfriend" material. Or even "friend" material. Right now I seem to be the following: "Really good friend but I kinda wanna fuck you really bad (& possibly jeopardize the friendship)"; or "a down ass chick...4ever & ever" or "friend w/benefits w/the possibility of a relationship". So basically I'm like a gotdamn spades hand...something like...a handful of strong possibles. Not bad. Just not GREAT. More like risky...unpredictable...is that me??? Risky. Unpredictable.
Oh the uncertainty!

But no like really...how am I supposed to feel about that?
Not to say I'm ready for marriage.
In fact I'm quite frightened by the thought.
Not to mention those 3 little words make me cringe!
I'm jus saying.
Why not me? Why wasn't I that girl? You know?
Jus wonderin.
Well I actually I have been proposed to...lol...Jack has been asking to wife me for like 4 years or some shit. HA! I'd be a fucking fool...and okay. I'm kinda vain but I know I have my faults but I am NOT by far a FOOL!
I love (cringing) Jack as much as I can possibly love a man (other than Jesus Christ and my Dad) but that's all. I just love Jack. I care about him. I want him to be happy. But Jack doesn't make me happy (and if there is one thing I'm on a non-stop mission for in life is HAPPINESS). In fact. Jack makes my damn head hurt. So I love ME far too much to settle (sawry Jack) for such a life. Esp. when I KNOW I'm worth SO much more!
Ya dig?!

Oh well. Maybe jus maybe I'll get married one fine day. And maybe jus maybe he'll be all I desire & more. And maybe jus maybe I'll love him for who he is (pre-upgrade *te he he*). And oh lawd please maybe jus maybe he'll love me for me b/c I swear this ALL I can be! Take it! Or. Leave it! And to all you punk bitches who left it (fig. & lit. speaking)...that's yo bad bitch but I love ya anyhow for making me betta. When I made YOU betta it made me best. And what's betta than best? NOT A DAMN THING! Why? b/c I gots that Comeback...HA...no like really...I mean. I'm jus saying...the proof is in the pudding...YUM ; )

Then again. Maybe jus maybe I'll not get married and I'll be okay w/that. Iunno. Iunjusno.

...and on that note...I'm blowing!

Until we blog again...

POB!

~Sdot