An ode to exes:
Let me preface this by saying that I know everyone is different, but we're much more alike than we know, black/white, men/women, rich/poor. Hence I'm not comparing my exes. I'm honoring them for the lights they shined in my life during our stint(s) together. Everything isn't all bad guys. Clearly there were good times & though we aren't together anymore we have the option to not dwell on the negative & focus on the positive. Everyone likes to be appreciated whether the things were doing are part of the job or not...so even though some of you guys are jackasses, I managed to muster up a couple 'thank yous' for you as well.
Let's go:
Thank yous (b/c, for):
1) Your basketball shorts & over-sized tees. They bring me such comfort after a hard day's work.
2) Your arms. They made me feel safe.
3) Your chest. It made me feel like nothing else mattered.
4) Your $. Like coupons it saved me a ton!
5) Your deep voice. It made me tingle inside.
6) Respecting me. It made me appreciate being a woman.
7) Hearing me, listening to me & knowing the difference. It made me feel relevant, to you.
8) Considering my feelings. It made me feel important, to you.
9) Being my knight & shining armor, @ the time. It made me feel more like the princess that I am.
10) Your generosity. It made me recognize my worth & believe in it!
11) Most important, for showing me what I want in life, love & legacy (& what I don't). It made me realize this is not the end but only beginning of a life of love, something we all want!
***The great sex, I'm fortunate enough that all my past partners could put it DOWN in the bedroom-if nowhere else-& we all know how much of a sexual person I am, so that was important to me. It made me appreciate love-making.***
You're welcome for being allowed the privilege of being a component in my life. Your time spent has shaped & molded not only me, but more importantly you. To your future/current significant other, you're welcome, for that man that you have now, is significantly closer to being the man of your dreams, thanks to me! I would say thank you & come again, but unfortunately, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. So we wish you well in all your future endeavors. God bless & be FAB!
♥
XoXo
~SRJP
*Slappy-Cookie-WifeyParks-Renea-T.O.*
Showing posts with label BOYS...the gift...the curse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BOYS...the gift...the curse. Show all posts
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Thank You & You're Welcome!
On the book of faces I saw this status in my news feed:
THANKs for....the first time we met, the friendship, being selfish, the last time we were together, passing me by,noticing,letting me think you're mine when you never were,for nothing but most importantly EVERYTHING!
My lovely friend Markita Miller.
Of course I had to comment (after a little thought & a crappy day-mentally):
As do I...thanks for...telling the truth, while being a liar...being a giver, while stealing my heart...listening to me, while never saying a word...loving me, while leaving me w/o an explanation! Thanks for absolutely nothing & you're WELCOME for absolutely EVERYTHING (BITCH)!!!
I told you it was that kind of day!
She (Ms. Miller) in turn followed up with an explanation about the initial status & couple 'thank yous' she forgot to mention:t
...thanks for making me realize that I AM SO much better than YOU and for making me feel like I was NO good. The things that make you embrace your worth huh guys.
Wow! Are you wowed b/c I'm nearly floored. The power in her last 2 lines took me some place else with the thank you note & I'm just now (2 weeks later) able to really dissect those thoughts & feelings.
That crappola day I had up there, comes & goes every few days. B/c every few days, I start to reconsider the reasons my ex & I parted ways. I start to reconsider the reasons we aren't back together. I start to reconsider the reasons why he doesn't call & barely texts. I start to then reconsider why does he randomly text & sporadically appears (ie on my damn Pandora station...thanks Facebook) right before my eyes. I start to reconsider what I could have done better. I start to reconsider what I should have done better. I start to reconsider what I said...what I didn't say...how I said it & how I didn't say it. I start to reconsider letting it go & moving on. I start to reconsider calling him & apologizing for what I've done. All the while...the Shanette I've always known is drowning in all that self-pity, guilt, bitterness. I don't know this Shanette.
I decided to reflect on that ultimate break-up which occurred about 4-5 years ago (I can't recall his nickname on here). Talk about devastation! My Lord! B/c I'm certain He is the only reason that not only I made it but he made it...to see another day. Not that you should compare break-ups b/c you shouldn't, just like you shouldn't compare significant others. It's just not fair b/c they don't compare. However for writing & evaluation purposes that's exactly what I'm about to do...only I'm comparing the Shanettes. The Shanette from years ago was so extra crass, gangsta-like, w/a real 'fuck you' attitude! The Shanette today consciously suppresses that Shanette. She recognizes that in order to be successful not just in relationship but life in general that emotionally scarred girl has to better cope w/her issues as a young woman. I said all that to say. My recent ex insinuated that I was still that girl-which I wasn't offended by UNTIL he suggested it was just who I was & I was pretty much incapable of changing. It is the 1 thing that literally pisses me off to no end, when I think of us no longer being together. In my eyes he basically gave up on me. He decided my fate before I could, in turn deciding our fate w/o consulting me. Now what gave him such insight, balls & audacity....no clue!
I have to ponder though why that notion upsets me so...is it b/c it is in fact true? Am I still trapped in that damaged (for a number of uncontrollable & controllable reasons) state?
I disagreed then & I'm on the fence now.
I can only be me, whoever she is...she is multifaceted.
Not one-dimensional. Yes, I am harsh & no that's not changing.
Yes I have & can have an absolutely despicable attitude but that's not a character trait its a coping mechanism.
This is when you learn about you but also when you learn about the type of significant other you need. Not that anyone should have to deal w/anything in particular...but I know I can't & won't deal w/being placed in a box...by anyone or anything. I have to have room to grow.
Here in lies the difference: The 1st Shanette was content & confused by him & herself. This Shanette is only confused by him. I know I'm not perfect by any means b/c I'm great by all means, including this break-up (POW!). Hence I'm reminded that in the end, I'm all I've got, when my man's gone, my money's low, & my friends are busy...I'm all I've got, me & the Lord...all I need, to get by! So I thank him, my recent ex, for reminding me that greatness can't be contained & not everyone is meant to go w/the flow of greatness, for it is indeed a trying journey, a roller-coaster of events, emotions, & transitions to say the least...If I were 5'9, you could say I had the soul of a 6'4 person, like T.I. ...but since I'm 6 feet anyway (giant to most)...I'm just being who I was designed to be & that's all I can be!!!\
Thanks again...& you're absolutely welcome for everything!
I am utterly the gift & the curse. The gift of having experienced such greatness. The curse of having experienced such greatness. .
On that note I'm greatly in need of rest.
Nite.
Remember to love God & yourself-the rest will take care of itself!
Who so ever can't get w/that can definitely get lost!
XoXo-
all the Shanettes...the great. the not so great. & the FABulous!
THANKs for....the first time we met, the friendship, being selfish, the last time we were together, passing me by,noticing,letting me think you're mine when you never were,for nothing but most importantly EVERYTHING!
My lovely friend Markita Miller.
Of course I had to comment (after a little thought & a crappy day-mentally):
As do I...thanks for...telling the truth, while being a liar...being a giver, while stealing my heart...listening to me, while never saying a word...loving me, while leaving me w/o an explanation! Thanks for absolutely nothing & you're WELCOME for absolutely EVERYTHING (BITCH)!!!
I told you it was that kind of day!
She (Ms. Miller) in turn followed up with an explanation about the initial status & couple 'thank yous' she forgot to mention:t
...thanks for making me realize that I AM SO much better than YOU and for making me feel like I was NO good. The things that make you embrace your worth huh guys.
Wow! Are you wowed b/c I'm nearly floored. The power in her last 2 lines took me some place else with the thank you note & I'm just now (2 weeks later) able to really dissect those thoughts & feelings.
That crappola day I had up there, comes & goes every few days. B/c every few days, I start to reconsider the reasons my ex & I parted ways. I start to reconsider the reasons we aren't back together. I start to reconsider the reasons why he doesn't call & barely texts. I start to then reconsider why does he randomly text & sporadically appears (ie on my damn Pandora station...thanks Facebook) right before my eyes. I start to reconsider what I could have done better. I start to reconsider what I should have done better. I start to reconsider what I said...what I didn't say...how I said it & how I didn't say it. I start to reconsider letting it go & moving on. I start to reconsider calling him & apologizing for what I've done. All the while...the Shanette I've always known is drowning in all that self-pity, guilt, bitterness. I don't know this Shanette.
I decided to reflect on that ultimate break-up which occurred about 4-5 years ago (I can't recall his nickname on here). Talk about devastation! My Lord! B/c I'm certain He is the only reason that not only I made it but he made it...to see another day. Not that you should compare break-ups b/c you shouldn't, just like you shouldn't compare significant others. It's just not fair b/c they don't compare. However for writing & evaluation purposes that's exactly what I'm about to do...only I'm comparing the Shanettes. The Shanette from years ago was so extra crass, gangsta-like, w/a real 'fuck you' attitude! The Shanette today consciously suppresses that Shanette. She recognizes that in order to be successful not just in relationship but life in general that emotionally scarred girl has to better cope w/her issues as a young woman. I said all that to say. My recent ex insinuated that I was still that girl-which I wasn't offended by UNTIL he suggested it was just who I was & I was pretty much incapable of changing. It is the 1 thing that literally pisses me off to no end, when I think of us no longer being together. In my eyes he basically gave up on me. He decided my fate before I could, in turn deciding our fate w/o consulting me. Now what gave him such insight, balls & audacity....no clue!
I have to ponder though why that notion upsets me so...is it b/c it is in fact true? Am I still trapped in that damaged (for a number of uncontrollable & controllable reasons) state?
I disagreed then & I'm on the fence now.
I can only be me, whoever she is...she is multifaceted.
Not one-dimensional. Yes, I am harsh & no that's not changing.
Yes I have & can have an absolutely despicable attitude but that's not a character trait its a coping mechanism.
This is when you learn about you but also when you learn about the type of significant other you need. Not that anyone should have to deal w/anything in particular...but I know I can't & won't deal w/being placed in a box...by anyone or anything. I have to have room to grow.
Here in lies the difference: The 1st Shanette was content & confused by him & herself. This Shanette is only confused by him. I know I'm not perfect by any means b/c I'm great by all means, including this break-up (POW!). Hence I'm reminded that in the end, I'm all I've got, when my man's gone, my money's low, & my friends are busy...I'm all I've got, me & the Lord...all I need, to get by! So I thank him, my recent ex, for reminding me that greatness can't be contained & not everyone is meant to go w/the flow of greatness, for it is indeed a trying journey, a roller-coaster of events, emotions, & transitions to say the least...If I were 5'9, you could say I had the soul of a 6'4 person, like T.I. ...but since I'm 6 feet anyway (giant to most)...I'm just being who I was designed to be & that's all I can be!!!\
Thanks again...& you're absolutely welcome for everything!
I am utterly the gift & the curse. The gift of having experienced such greatness. The curse of having experienced such greatness. .
On that note I'm greatly in need of rest.
Nite.
Remember to love God & yourself-the rest will take care of itself!
Who so ever can't get w/that can definitely get lost!
XoXo-
all the Shanettes...the great. the not so great. & the FABulous!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Hello lovers *in my Carrie Bradshaw voice*
How the heck have you guys been?!?!
I've missed you bunches!!!
Happy New Year!!!
Soooooo much has taken place since we last chatted.
I have a new job.
Got a weave.
Visited L.A.
Broke up w/the bf.
The new job--I like. Lots of benefits. Think I'm starting law school in the fall! Keep your fingers crossed & me in your prayers!!!!
Got a weave--*rolls eyes* their such a task, but I like for now...though I think I'm not really a long hair girl...I look better, in my opinion w/short hair. However I've only been wearing it shoulder length w/the weave, I was thinking the next time maybe I'll go SUPER long like Khloe K.!!! What do you think?!?! I just don't want to do my hair for a while, it's all damaged & looking crazy & that just won't fly especially @ my new job...bosslady is into the looks!!!
Visited L.A.--whackness. Trip from hell pretty much. That's all I say about that. Good experience, bad trip!
I love him.
I miss him.
We'll be friends again, someday.
Today, we're individuals trying to make sense of what just happened.
We meant well.
Sometimes things just don't work out the way in which you want.
We did.
We learned.
We're growing.
We'll be better people.
No love loss.
No hard feelings...@ least on my end.
JMJ, it's been a great ride, that I wish never stopped.
It was fun, but life goes on.
My love will remain.
You'll always be my goof ;)
Sometimes in life we have to take a really good look @ the man in the mirror.
Take a survey.
Be open & honest w/self.
Let go.
Grow.
Move on.
Life is short, lets make it count while we can!
My tip today: don't sweat the small stuff, it's really not worth it!
Have a FABulous week!!!
I love you tons & God loves you more!!!
XoXo-
SRJP
How the heck have you guys been?!?!
I've missed you bunches!!!
Happy New Year!!!
Soooooo much has taken place since we last chatted.
I have a new job.
Got a weave.
Visited L.A.
Broke up w/the bf.
The new job--I like. Lots of benefits. Think I'm starting law school in the fall! Keep your fingers crossed & me in your prayers!!!!
Got a weave--*rolls eyes* their such a task, but I like for now...though I think I'm not really a long hair girl...I look better, in my opinion w/short hair. However I've only been wearing it shoulder length w/the weave, I was thinking the next time maybe I'll go SUPER long like Khloe K.!!! What do you think?!?! I just don't want to do my hair for a while, it's all damaged & looking crazy & that just won't fly especially @ my new job...bosslady is into the looks!!!
Visited L.A.--whackness. Trip from hell pretty much. That's all I say about that. Good experience, bad trip!
I love him.
I miss him.
We'll be friends again, someday.
Today, we're individuals trying to make sense of what just happened.
We meant well.
Sometimes things just don't work out the way in which you want.
We did.
We learned.
We're growing.
We'll be better people.
No love loss.
No hard feelings...@ least on my end.
JMJ, it's been a great ride, that I wish never stopped.
It was fun, but life goes on.
My love will remain.
You'll always be my goof ;)
Sometimes in life we have to take a really good look @ the man in the mirror.
Take a survey.
Be open & honest w/self.
Let go.
Grow.
Move on.
Life is short, lets make it count while we can!
My tip today: don't sweat the small stuff, it's really not worth it!
Have a FABulous week!!!
I love you tons & God loves you more!!!
XoXo-
SRJP
At Night.
At night.
In the night.
During the night.
All damn night.
I think of you.
I can't sleep b/c of you.
I cry for you.
I scream in my mind @ you.
You can't hear me b/c you're asleep.
How can you sleep?
At night?
When I'm awake.
At night.
In the night.
During the night.
All damn night.
The thoughts of you, I run from all day.
I push them away, deep into my mind where I pray they will stay.
Yet they haunt me around 8, when the Cabernet takes effect.
You taunt me all day but I'm strong until I lay.
Down my head.
On that bed.
Too tired to even pray.
So I let you in.
My mind you play.
Tricks on & say.
How dare you say.
Nothing.
While I lie awake.
At night.
In the night.
During the night.
All damn night!
In the night.
During the night.
All damn night.
I think of you.
I can't sleep b/c of you.
I cry for you.
I scream in my mind @ you.
You can't hear me b/c you're asleep.
How can you sleep?
At night?
When I'm awake.
At night.
In the night.
During the night.
All damn night.
The thoughts of you, I run from all day.
I push them away, deep into my mind where I pray they will stay.
Yet they haunt me around 8, when the Cabernet takes effect.
You taunt me all day but I'm strong until I lay.
Down my head.
On that bed.
Too tired to even pray.
So I let you in.
My mind you play.
Tricks on & say.
How dare you say.
Nothing.
While I lie awake.
At night.
In the night.
During the night.
All damn night!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Don't Call it a Comeback!
*in Wendy Williams voice* Where you been?!
I know, I know I've been mia for so long you probably thought I wouldn't return & I must admit I considered letting it go but then I remembered why I started the blog-to better my skills, to release some frustration & to entertain some people...so here I am back again, but don't call it a comeback!
So let's get it started...soooo much has happened...a whole season has passed & I must say to my dismay it's been a pretty good Summer! New Orleans for Essence. Jamaica wedding-not mine of course, but stay tuned-ha not really. Chicago, Il & Jackson Miss for family reunions! There has been a sour patch as of lately-my really good friend Karm moved to LA & it's been having me in the pits, but on the up side I have *insert drumrolls* a bf *& the crowd gasp*! Yes, yes, so I've been sort of busy in retrospect but not too busy that I couldn't blog-I've simply been too lazy to do so-which is quite out of character but hey it happens I suppose.
NOLA-
Essence was a total blast! My sister, Lynn & I road tripped along w/her cousin Bernard down to NOLA for about 4 days. Went to the shows Friday, well Saudia-my niece & I went to see Beyonce & friends...then Saturday my sister & her friends & myself went to see Maxwell & Anita Baker & friends...great nite. Hung out w/Nic & Madd a bit-she's so very grown btw-my #1! Ate my freaking life away! Shopped a smidge, drank a tad & just had all around oodles of fun! I was reluctant to leave-per usual but it had been so effing long since I'd been I was like wth was I thinking I must never go more than 9 months w/o a visit-that's just wrong! So anywho... ♥ NOLA!
Jamaica Mon-!
Oh gosh-can you imagine being drunk literally all day for like 6 days?! Insanity but the absolute best vacay ever in life! I mean really-liquor is in your rum, @ your disposal 24 hours a day! I lost like 5lbs pre-trip & literally gained all that back just in alcohol intake-fml!!! It was totally worth it though! I swear we were all drunk @ the wedding even-or hung over-lol! The ceremony was nice though, after much ado of course. The tourism attractions were fun. The shopping was great, the nightlife was poppin & the beach was serene...I swear I wake up sometimes just wanting a daiquiri & a _ _ _ _ _ & lay out on the beach all damn day...how sad but so sincere!
So yes if you haven't been to Jamaica I'd advise a trip, real soon & take me w/you-lol!
Let's see what else...
Oh reunions-
Both for my Mom's side of the family. The 1st was for her Mom's side & the 2nd for her Dad's side.
Chicago was nice but I have to go back to relly explore & shop & hang & shop & eat & shop some more, but it was great to see the fam once again-all was well- we lost the volleyball tournament, but they cheated-so typical-ghetto Chi-towners-lol! No really it was a blessed trip & I look forward to the next one in Detroit, MI-it's been a minute. Then we ventured to Jackson, MS-a looooong overdue reunion-like 20+ years...so basically I don't even recall another one! We had a really great time-getting to know everyone again & learning about our ancestors. We also ate good & hung out a bit. Good times, indeed. I'm so blessed I come from good stock, as country folk say. More so I'm blessed to have family & an gigantic family @ that...I realize that family is important as I go through life & I swear I would trade it for nothing in the world-as crazy as they are I ♥ my family!!!
KarmCharm moves to LA-
*deep sigh* I mean I knew she was leaving but I didn't know how much it would affect me. I actually thought it would encourage me to migrate but it did the total opposite. I became very lazy, sleepy & an alcoholic all in a matter of a week or 2, though she's only been gone a month it seems like so much longer. I'm just now starting to pull myself out of the funk & I'm not really sure what my problem is but I think I just feel stuck here...like my life in Memphis will never end & that literally depresses me! However, I can't let me current situation dictate my future-I must remember who I am & the purpose I serve or @ least the goals I've set & adhere to them, take back the control of my destiny & believe! It's time for me to apply to school so that is definitely going to force me to get it together-as I listen to "Get it Together" by Robin Thicke & Faith-I have so much to do in so little time-but good thing is I work best under pressure! Even getting back into the blog will ignite my fire! Though I would love to be in NYC right now-pursuing my fashion career-styling, buying, merchandising...I also know the shit doesn't just happen I have to make the provisions to get it done & honestly I haven't done the things I've needed to do to make move into the industry, but I'm working on it however I need my $$$ like NOW-so what does that mean?? It's time to go back to school & upon graduation-2014...I'm thinking I'll write a book by 2015. Open a boutique & start a shoe label by 2016...all before I'm 35-YAH YAH TRICK!!! Sounds like a plan to me!
I was also thinking when I'm done applying for PharmD, I could very well go to NYC from JAN-JUL & live it up before schooling it up for the next 4 years-it's a possibility...we'll see what happens! I'm remaining optimistic about the rest of '09! I've been blessed thus far, despite getting in my own damn way. God prevails-anyhow-so I figure I may as well step aside & let Him do His thang!
Last but not least-the bf-who shall remain called the bf until...we stop slick acting like Bey & Jay w/the extra discreetness-I'm just saying I don't need no extra drama-ugh!
A very pecular little transformation we made from associates-->friends-->lovers-->relationship status. I sometimes have a hard time believing how far we've come b/c it was so unexpected but I have found that things I'm looking for in the places I'm looking for them are not matching up & sometimes the things we think we want aren't all that important in restrospect. I'll just say I'm letting God control this one-I've tried to avoid it, deter it, sabotage it, & I swear I can't shake this one & I'm okay w/that, it appears to be good for me & I can use some goodness. We FIGHT hard & LOVE harder but we're strong in that we're growing & willing to make the effort & that's big-I think. He's good to me & I appreciate him for that...so whatever the reasoning we're together @ this moment in time may be a mystery but I'll take that as long we keep gettting better, individually & collectively. So anywho-cupid made a big ass fool outta my ass-the LoveH8r, ha...gotcha BITCH! We'll see how the days ahead unravel-I take them one day @ a time--pray for me ;)
Well I suppose that wraps today's post. I'll be in touch...sooner than l8r :-P
Until...remember Whose you are, & that @ the end of the day & the beginning-lol, you control your destiny!!!
Be. Great!
XoXo-
*SHANETTE RENEA*
*oh signing off w/a little inspiration from one of my fave people-Jay-Z @ the VMAs, w/my boo(no homo) repping for her mane (how you doin-j/p) in the audience-I ♥ them-individually & collectivelly!*
Thursday, February 5, 2009
SHE's just not that into you...
This is for Markita.
I have absolutely NO idea how you know when a girl's just not that into you b/c I'm a boy, lmao!
I kid, I kid...kinda...I may not be the best person to ask how do you know when a girl's not that into you b/c I'm never into anyone + I don't like to do stuff most girls like to do...but I'll try to think more like a girl & less like...well...myself.
When she doesn't know that you're into her...see girls are kinda different even if they aren't into you they still want to think that you would be into them even though they aren't even into you...wait maybe that's how guys & shallow girls are...idk!
Well I think when a girl doesn't know that you're into here its easier to tell when she's not into you...girls for the most part are touchy-feely however sometimes when they are into someone they won't be...so depending on how she hugs you...is it a friendly hug like upper body hug or is it more physical, like full body.
Oh here's a big one...does she talk to other guys in front of you, she's definitely NOT into you if she will talk to another guy in front of you, unless he's gay, that's really disrespectful anyways! So you may want to reconsider her, she's trife!
If she tries to hook you up w/other girls.
If she talks to you about other guys, like not really getting your opinion but just in conversation "so on so does this & that & blah blah"...but if she kinda wants your opinion a lot, that maybe an indicator that she's into you.
If she will only text you...now even I must say that @ some point, if I like someone, I want to talk to them on the phone sometimes.
This is when she knows you like her...
When she only wants to hang out w/you if someone else, like another friend, probably mutual, is there as well.
When she actually would prefer that you not pay for her...food...or whatever.
When she acts distant.
When she feels less comfortable around you.
When she tells you she doesn't want to ruin your friendship.
When you kiss her or attempt to & she pulls back or doesn't allow it to happen again.
When she says...she's just not that into you...that's what I would do!
A regular girl should do this...I'm too uh...idk...different...but hey whatever...girls don't play games as much as guys @ least not in this regard...you will usually know when a girl doesn't like you.
Signing off,
~S. Parks
I have absolutely NO idea how you know when a girl's just not that into you b/c I'm a boy, lmao!
I kid, I kid...kinda...I may not be the best person to ask how do you know when a girl's not that into you b/c I'm never into anyone + I don't like to do stuff most girls like to do...but I'll try to think more like a girl & less like...well...myself.
When she doesn't know that you're into her...see girls are kinda different even if they aren't into you they still want to think that you would be into them even though they aren't even into you...wait maybe that's how guys & shallow girls are...idk!
Well I think when a girl doesn't know that you're into here its easier to tell when she's not into you...girls for the most part are touchy-feely however sometimes when they are into someone they won't be...so depending on how she hugs you...is it a friendly hug like upper body hug or is it more physical, like full body.
Oh here's a big one...does she talk to other guys in front of you, she's definitely NOT into you if she will talk to another guy in front of you, unless he's gay, that's really disrespectful anyways! So you may want to reconsider her, she's trife!
If she tries to hook you up w/other girls.
If she talks to you about other guys, like not really getting your opinion but just in conversation "so on so does this & that & blah blah"...but if she kinda wants your opinion a lot, that maybe an indicator that she's into you.
If she will only text you...now even I must say that @ some point, if I like someone, I want to talk to them on the phone sometimes.
This is when she knows you like her...
When she only wants to hang out w/you if someone else, like another friend, probably mutual, is there as well.
When she actually would prefer that you not pay for her...food...or whatever.
When she acts distant.
When she feels less comfortable around you.
When she tells you she doesn't want to ruin your friendship.
When you kiss her or attempt to & she pulls back or doesn't allow it to happen again.
When she says...she's just not that into you...that's what I would do!
A regular girl should do this...I'm too uh...idk...different...but hey whatever...girls don't play games as much as guys @ least not in this regard...you will usually know when a girl doesn't like you.
Signing off,
~S. Parks
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Permanently Blue.
Fact-I've been in love once & it may just be the only thing I regret in life...sure it's contributed to the person I am today, but I'm not so sure that the person I am today wouldn't be just as great as the person I would've been pre-"in love" & post-"heartbroken girl." Besides, I don't think I'm 1 of those people who believes it's better to have loved & loss than never loved @ all b/c frankly I think I'd be pretty fucking fabulous either way...I mean I'm just saying...
okay moving on...
Fact-I still love him & I'm certain I always will.
Fact-I'm not bitter...I'm jaded.
Fact-I miss him...but I can't quite recall why.
SO...today I was thinking about relationships & stuff & how when they are ending its like the seconds turn into hours & the days to months...the closing last soooo freaking long or so it seems, but technically only a day would've actually passed. Omg! I remember the exact moment I realized I was in love, lol, it was like an epiphany! I literally ran into the bathroom, put my head in a towel & cried & screamed (I knew there was no turning back)! It was a roller-coaster of emotions all wrapped into 1 single, solitary moment. Oh but when the walls came tumbling down around me & that feeling turned me into a prisoner, I wondered if I could 1st save me...btw-why as women do we always tend to blame ourselves when disaster strikes???...anyways, once I figured I wasn't the problem (well not entirely)...I tried to fix "us" & when that didn't work I tried to fix him. In all the unsuccessful fixing I was doing, I had no idea I was working alone. I was just so caught up, I couldn't see that there was nothing I could alone, to "save" whatever it was I was trying to save & in the process I was not only wasting time I was breaking down, running thin & making it worse. Ahhh the things we do for love...man, its crazy. I've been involved w/people before & after him, but I've never been willing to sacrifice myself for someone like that...so when I think of him I think not of the things he put me through but the things I put myself through & I realize I'll always be black & blue...for you, permanently...ugh!
Enjoy the song...I ♥ it...my post continues after the vid.
I hate to say I'm damaged...bruised sounds better, just like I hate to say I'm bitter...jaded sounds cooler.
What's cool about heartbreak? Not a fucking thing...except...the COMEBACK!
& trust me I'm a beast w/mines!
Ahh...but...there's a catch...
...I'm a beast who's scared of love.
Humph.
~Shanette Renea
(I'm certain I'll love again, but never will I sacrifice myself to do so...no one will ever get all of me again, it's just too dangerous besides I'm too cool for that...gotta keep some for yourself b/c trust me they ain't giving you all of them & if they are good for you b/c you have the upper-hand!)
Friday, September 19, 2008
Cross My Mind
Have I done this one already???
Well, you were just running cross my mind, again.
Too bad I don’t like you enough to call, text, nor e-mail…but if you only knew…you were just running cross my mind…
Ah.
I miss you.
What we were.
How you were…before...w/me, in me…
In my bed, indirectly in my head…you lived in my head.
In my thoughts you lie still & strong…present, yet so wrong…
…but if this is wrong I don’t want to be…
To be right, it felt.
So right, every time you came near.
Igniting my soul afire w/your presence right here.
If only I could find that same passion…outside of you.
In him.
Yeah…I was just thinking about you…wondering if I were near you again…what I would do?
Nah.
Not after all this time.
Could you?
Can you?
Still…ignite me?
You did know me so well…you really had me…w/just your presence…
W/just your touch.
W/just your kiss.
…your feel…
…your coming…back…to me???
Now that’s NUTZ!
Too bad I don’t like you enough to call, text, nor e-mail…
I do miss you though…the you before you.
I just remember what we used to do…
How amazing!
~S. Parks
Well, you were just running cross my mind, again.
Too bad I don’t like you enough to call, text, nor e-mail…but if you only knew…you were just running cross my mind…
Ah.
I miss you.
What we were.
How you were…before...w/me, in me…
In my bed, indirectly in my head…you lived in my head.
In my thoughts you lie still & strong…present, yet so wrong…
…but if this is wrong I don’t want to be…
To be right, it felt.
So right, every time you came near.
Igniting my soul afire w/your presence right here.
If only I could find that same passion…outside of you.
In him.
Yeah…I was just thinking about you…wondering if I were near you again…what I would do?
Nah.
Not after all this time.
Could you?
Can you?
Still…ignite me?
You did know me so well…you really had me…w/just your presence…
W/just your touch.
W/just your kiss.
…your feel…
…your coming…back…to me???
Now that’s NUTZ!
Too bad I don’t like you enough to call, text, nor e-mail…
I do miss you though…the you before you.
I just remember what we used to do…
How amazing!
~S. Parks
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Feel Me?!
When a girl grows up…she realizes what she likes…what she wants…what she needs…
To be honest...I really like affection.
I miss intimacy.
I like it when sweet things are said to me when I least suspect it.
I want to blush b/c of some lame compliment given to me.
I need to feel again.
I want to like someone enough to hold their hand in public.
I miss wanting to talk to someone all the time.
I want to fall asleep on his couch & wake up in his bed.
I like to go fast.
I want to go slow.
I need to feel again.
I like to be liked.
I want to miss someone even when they aren’t gone.
I need to be touched.
I like wanting more.
I want to feel needed again.
I need to feel again.
I’m not always cold.
I like being warm.
I just miss liking someone enough to let them melt that ice away.
I don’t want to think about it…I just like…I just want…I just need…a kiss.
~Shanette Renea
To be honest...I really like affection.
I miss intimacy.
I like it when sweet things are said to me when I least suspect it.
I want to blush b/c of some lame compliment given to me.
I need to feel again.
I want to like someone enough to hold their hand in public.
I miss wanting to talk to someone all the time.
I want to fall asleep on his couch & wake up in his bed.
I like to go fast.
I want to go slow.
I need to feel again.
I like to be liked.
I want to miss someone even when they aren’t gone.
I need to be touched.
I like wanting more.
I want to feel needed again.
I need to feel again.
I’m not always cold.
I like being warm.
I just miss liking someone enough to let them melt that ice away.
I don’t want to think about it…I just like…I just want…I just need…a kiss.
~Shanette Renea
Saturday, July 26, 2008
The. Blues.
I’m everything that I’m not.
My vision is skewed.
My thoughts are select.
My movement is slow.
I don’t know how to explain it.
My words aren’t good enough.
If only I was an artist, I’d paint it.
On a white canvas. I’d paint you yellow, warm, like the sun.
Shining through me w/your heart beating red, like a drum.
I’d paint me blue for the cool I chose over you.
I can’t explain it.
My words aren’t good enough.
If only I was a musician, I’d play it.
In a large venue. I’d play you. A flat. B Sharp.
Through the notes.
My heart diffuses.
Into the room.
Filling their souls w/my blues.
I can’t explain it.
My words aren’t good enough.
If only I was a dancer, I’d show it.
On the streets of gold…slowly I’d dance until I couldn’t anymore.
Sensually spinning around the thought of you.
Out of my limbs comes the truth.
I’ve got the blues for you.
I guess that’s how you explain it.
I write it. I paint it. I play it. I move it.
My vision is skewed.
My thoughts are select.
My movement is slow.
I don’t know how to explain it.
My words aren’t good enough.
If only I was an artist, I’d paint it.
On a white canvas. I’d paint you yellow, warm, like the sun.
Shining through me w/your heart beating red, like a drum.
I’d paint me blue for the cool I chose over you.
I can’t explain it.
My words aren’t good enough.
If only I was a musician, I’d play it.
In a large venue. I’d play you. A flat. B Sharp.
Through the notes.
My heart diffuses.
Into the room.
Filling their souls w/my blues.
I can’t explain it.
My words aren’t good enough.
If only I was a dancer, I’d show it.
On the streets of gold…slowly I’d dance until I couldn’t anymore.
Sensually spinning around the thought of you.
Out of my limbs comes the truth.
I’ve got the blues for you.
I guess that’s how you explain it.
I write it. I paint it. I play it. I move it.
The. Blues.
~Shanette
Monday, July 21, 2008
Big? Banking
Boys are like the stock market...fickle & full of it!
Isn’t it funny how men (in general) don’t really like change; however you can’t really depend on them?
Isn’t it quite convenient how they make women seem unstable yet were the more responsible (again, in general) of the sex?
I was just thinking about how women go into situations investing so much of them b/c that’s just the nature of the woman. We get too involved too fast…unlike the man, who will hardly even commit to one woman, but they can be a die heart fan of a sports team from birth till death. Don’t you think that’s crazy?! I mean will literally go to war for some team, some players, some colors they don’t get paid for, they aren’t related to, they don’t even fucking know…is that not the strangest thing? I mean really, think about it…the commitment phoebes are only phobic when it’s convenient, no? Hell yeah, I’m right!
I’ve learned in my short 24 years of living…maybe a little earlier than I should have, that you canNOT depend on a nigga for shit! You can depend on their unpredictability, their inconsistencies, their fallacies, their flaws, but can never really depend on them to come through, every time...most of the time…the time when it counts. That’s not to say that women don’t default on promises, but it’s very rare that you will find a woman w/little to no conscious who can cold-heartedly hurt those she cares about or loves, it’s just not the nature of a woman. This is the trip part, most women don’t even have to really know a man to love him or to care about him, especially a black man…we just have a spiritual connection that hardly allows us to turn our back on a man…again…it's just not in our nature.
Well, I, myself, am cut from a different cloth. I’m a different type of girl (becoming a woman) & my life experiences have made me a very apathetic, insensitive & no-non-sense individual, especially when it comes to men…I just don’t give a nigga naan break…for what? They aren’t even worth the trouble honey & I just don’t have time for the bullshit…unless I choose to make time. If a man thinks he may have (slick) gotten to/over on me, TRUST, he’s not doing anything I’m not allowing…b/c I don’t trust niggas to do shit but be niggas...so why not beat them to the punch-that's all I'm saying!
So…boys, if you want to impress me…get ya weight up…b/c $ makes me come/cum (literally) all that other shit is irrela!
Btw-I’m not a man basher…I’m just real…deal w/it…or not.
~Sdot
Isn’t it funny how men (in general) don’t really like change; however you can’t really depend on them?
Isn’t it quite convenient how they make women seem unstable yet were the more responsible (again, in general) of the sex?
I was just thinking about how women go into situations investing so much of them b/c that’s just the nature of the woman. We get too involved too fast…unlike the man, who will hardly even commit to one woman, but they can be a die heart fan of a sports team from birth till death. Don’t you think that’s crazy?! I mean will literally go to war for some team, some players, some colors they don’t get paid for, they aren’t related to, they don’t even fucking know…is that not the strangest thing? I mean really, think about it…the commitment phoebes are only phobic when it’s convenient, no? Hell yeah, I’m right!
I’ve learned in my short 24 years of living…maybe a little earlier than I should have, that you canNOT depend on a nigga for shit! You can depend on their unpredictability, their inconsistencies, their fallacies, their flaws, but can never really depend on them to come through, every time...most of the time…the time when it counts. That’s not to say that women don’t default on promises, but it’s very rare that you will find a woman w/little to no conscious who can cold-heartedly hurt those she cares about or loves, it’s just not the nature of a woman. This is the trip part, most women don’t even have to really know a man to love him or to care about him, especially a black man…we just have a spiritual connection that hardly allows us to turn our back on a man…again…it's just not in our nature.
Well, I, myself, am cut from a different cloth. I’m a different type of girl (becoming a woman) & my life experiences have made me a very apathetic, insensitive & no-non-sense individual, especially when it comes to men…I just don’t give a nigga naan break…for what? They aren’t even worth the trouble honey & I just don’t have time for the bullshit…unless I choose to make time. If a man thinks he may have (slick) gotten to/over on me, TRUST, he’s not doing anything I’m not allowing…b/c I don’t trust niggas to do shit but be niggas...so why not beat them to the punch-that's all I'm saying!
So…boys, if you want to impress me…get ya weight up…b/c $ makes me come/cum (literally) all that other shit is irrela!
Btw-I’m not a man basher…I’m just real…deal w/it…or not.
~Sdot
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Lines
Friends.
Friends w/Benefits.
Fuck Friends (you know I'm crass...deal w/it!).
Definition.
Precision.
Clarity.
These help me keep a certain mindset...to maintain stability…to be less confused & more in control…two things that can literally drive me insane…being confused & out of control! Whooo lawd! I can't hardly even much take it!
Unfortunately MEN! Don’t need all this…but then they wonder why they’ve mislead a person or why someone is cutting their nuts off (btw-I loathe Jesse Jackson)!
I don’t play games!
I’m very honest.
I’m really real.
So…I hope for the same in return. This is to the benefit of all parties involved. Unfortunately I appear more so intimidating than accommodating.
If we start out as just friends & grow into more…that’s fine but trust me were probably going to discuss it several times before things really go there…just for the sake of not losing a friendship.
If we start out talking as people getting to know each other…& it progresses into intimacy…that’s fine too as long as we understand what that means & how that changes things.
If we start out just fucking…not a problem…but it can’t go (@ least not w/me) from just fucking to just friends or lovers or whatever.
We have to have these boundaries b/c clearly folk can't hardly control themselves & their emotions.
Pause: do boys know that girls like sex too? Like a lot? No like really…a LOT! Sometimes, we too prefer string-less sex, or sometimes we want to go there but are fearful of how we may be perceived (the latter doesn’t apply to me though) etc. We still want to be pursued & respected & treated like a lady but there is a manner in which you approach a woman strictly on a physical level. (Actually, guys think physically first…unlike women who usually think sincerely about the possibility of a relationship.) When you want to just pursue a physical relationship w/a person…for whatever reason…maybe you’re involved, or maybe you just don’t have time or maybe that’s just really all you want from the person either way honesty is the BEST policy. Be straight up about your situation, but do it w/tact & charm, don’t scare the person. Make her feel comfortable & sexy, b/c basically you want her in a sexual capacity right…let her know what you’re offering but again do it tactfully & I guarantee if she has even the slightest thought she will comply w/your request.
I mean...I'm just saying...but hey who am I?
Play: I go into situations w/men fully prepared…b/c I can’t afford to be mislead or confused or hurt or disillusioned b/c he likes to play games…I just don’t have time for the bullshit & I’m not cool w/looking like a fool…I’m just not that girl.
Therefore I can’t hardly take it…these dealings w/men! Seriously, they make my stomach hurt. They are more (these days) wishy-washy than women & its not cute. Boys are so dumb I swear to god. The time they take fucking people over they could’ve fucked twice that many people. I swear HONESTY! The biggest (right after $ & smelling nice) turn-on! Maybe it’s just me but when a man is upfront w/me I’m instantly attracted to him & I never like anyone-so that says a lot! Here’s the catch though I don’t hardly be believing what folk say-lol! Catch-22? Yep.
Anyways I’m just saying I don’t operate well w/abruptivity (yes I made that up). I like to discuss things. I like clear & open air. I like to be aware of moves & shifts in situations & feelings b/c I just don’t deal well when I’ve been mislead or confused (I know I keep saying that), intentionally.
Basically niggas need to grow the fuck up. Nobody has time for these whack ass games y’all play. Like seriously!
Get a life!
"I do what I do & you do what you can do about it!" ~Weezy F. Baby, The Carter iii
~Sdot
Friends w/Benefits.
Fuck Friends (you know I'm crass...deal w/it!).
Definition.
Precision.
Clarity.
These help me keep a certain mindset...to maintain stability…to be less confused & more in control…two things that can literally drive me insane…being confused & out of control! Whooo lawd! I can't hardly even much take it!
Unfortunately MEN! Don’t need all this…but then they wonder why they’ve mislead a person or why someone is cutting their nuts off (btw-I loathe Jesse Jackson)!
I don’t play games!
I’m very honest.
I’m really real.
So…I hope for the same in return. This is to the benefit of all parties involved. Unfortunately I appear more so intimidating than accommodating.
If we start out as just friends & grow into more…that’s fine but trust me were probably going to discuss it several times before things really go there…just for the sake of not losing a friendship.
If we start out talking as people getting to know each other…& it progresses into intimacy…that’s fine too as long as we understand what that means & how that changes things.
If we start out just fucking…not a problem…but it can’t go (@ least not w/me) from just fucking to just friends or lovers or whatever.
We have to have these boundaries b/c clearly folk can't hardly control themselves & their emotions.
Pause: do boys know that girls like sex too? Like a lot? No like really…a LOT! Sometimes, we too prefer string-less sex, or sometimes we want to go there but are fearful of how we may be perceived (the latter doesn’t apply to me though) etc. We still want to be pursued & respected & treated like a lady but there is a manner in which you approach a woman strictly on a physical level. (Actually, guys think physically first…unlike women who usually think sincerely about the possibility of a relationship.) When you want to just pursue a physical relationship w/a person…for whatever reason…maybe you’re involved, or maybe you just don’t have time or maybe that’s just really all you want from the person either way honesty is the BEST policy. Be straight up about your situation, but do it w/tact & charm, don’t scare the person. Make her feel comfortable & sexy, b/c basically you want her in a sexual capacity right…let her know what you’re offering but again do it tactfully & I guarantee if she has even the slightest thought she will comply w/your request.
I mean...I'm just saying...but hey who am I?
Play: I go into situations w/men fully prepared…b/c I can’t afford to be mislead or confused or hurt or disillusioned b/c he likes to play games…I just don’t have time for the bullshit & I’m not cool w/looking like a fool…I’m just not that girl.
Therefore I can’t hardly take it…these dealings w/men! Seriously, they make my stomach hurt. They are more (these days) wishy-washy than women & its not cute. Boys are so dumb I swear to god. The time they take fucking people over they could’ve fucked twice that many people. I swear HONESTY! The biggest (right after $ & smelling nice) turn-on! Maybe it’s just me but when a man is upfront w/me I’m instantly attracted to him & I never like anyone-so that says a lot! Here’s the catch though I don’t hardly be believing what folk say-lol! Catch-22? Yep.
Anyways I’m just saying I don’t operate well w/abruptivity (yes I made that up). I like to discuss things. I like clear & open air. I like to be aware of moves & shifts in situations & feelings b/c I just don’t deal well when I’ve been mislead or confused (I know I keep saying that), intentionally.
Basically niggas need to grow the fuck up. Nobody has time for these whack ass games y’all play. Like seriously!
Get a life!
"I do what I do & you do what you can do about it!" ~Weezy F. Baby, The Carter iii
~Sdot
Monday, July 7, 2008
Guess who fucked up...
...Yep ME!
Guess I'm not that perfect huh...
So...this song epitomizes how I've been feeling for about 3 months now...YUCK & this past weekend did NOT help!
Blah!
~S. Parks
Almost forgot to mention that I totally adore this song & vid!
Guess I'm not that perfect huh...
So...this song epitomizes how I've been feeling for about 3 months now...YUCK & this past weekend did NOT help!
Blah!
~S. Parks
Almost forgot to mention that I totally adore this song & vid!
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Spring Summer Feeling
For some reason I have really been thinking a LOT about being in love & loving someone & being loved & just all those matters of the heart, us Homo sapien sapiens, encounter. Maybe it's the heat…but I've just been trying to figure out what love means to me…if it's something I'm interested in @ the present…if it's something I'm willing to give a go again…if I even understand it…if I've learned anything from it & how I'm going to apply that knowledge to my next encounter.
Though I'm not that big on verbally expressing love, I definitely think I'm into love, when love is into me. Meaning, when (though it's only been once) I'm in love, I embrace it. I like it even. I thoroughly enjoy the moment. I kinda miss that feeling of being in love…I'm just fearful of being in love & not having the feeling reciprocated in a balanced manner, if you can understand that…
Basically, I've decided that I'm no longer settling (not that I have a habit of doing so). I just think I've decided that the next time I'm in love; I want him to be the one, a kinda scary thought huh? I know, but I'm serious. I'm not falling in love @ leisure again. I mean that's not to say I'm not dating & hanging & stuff…just not falling in love (if I can help it) until I know that the guy is that guy! Like the guy I could definitely marry (insert a very nervous emoction).
I want there to be no doubt in my mind that he loves me. That he is so besotted w/me that he can hardly even function w/o me. I want him to feel as though I literally complete him. That loving me is the greatest honor he's been bestowed. That I'm it entirely & abundantly. That every time he sees me he falls deeper in love. A love so true…that words aren't enough to express its goodness.
I'm talking a deep yearning for a person. A soul recognition. A spiritual encounter. A love that I believe only God can create between 2 people. I want to feel that in loving him I am not only making myself & him happy but God as well. I want to be comforted in knowing that in giving myself to him I will be safer than I have ever been in keeping myself from others.
One day, I hope to be blessed w/such an experience. I know what I'm worth & I'm willing to wait it out.
I'm preparing myself.
In the meantime I'll be loving me more & hoes less, lol…I'd advise you to do the same.
L8R Lovelies!
Xoxo,
S. Parks
Oh & Happy Birthday & 4th of July to my idiot friend KarmCharm!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Jack Black!
I ♥ Jack!
...like he's my friend forever & always!
if you don't know Jack...read up & get a clue!
Jack puts the ki in lo...get it...okay moving on...
...anyways that's all I wanted to say...after all these years I still ♥ Jack & all his asshole tendencies!
Guess what else...SATC movie...this FRIDAY...I can NOT fucking wait, okay...like I'm BEYOND excited!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDEqL65Mzlo
I'm so gonna buy this http://store.hbo.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3044744&cp=1885647.3061388&parentPage=family shirt for the premiere!
:)
XoXo,
S. Parks
...like he's my friend forever & always!
if you don't know Jack...read up & get a clue!
Jack puts the ki in lo...get it...okay moving on...
...anyways that's all I wanted to say...after all these years I still ♥ Jack & all his asshole tendencies!
Guess what else...SATC movie...this FRIDAY...I can NOT fucking wait, okay...like I'm BEYOND excited!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDEqL65Mzlo
I'm so gonna buy this http://store.hbo.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3044744&cp=1885647.3061388&parentPage=family shirt for the premiere!
:)
XoXo,
S. Parks
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Liar, Liar…Foolish!
I swear I cannot stand a lying ass nigga! Sure women lie, children lie, hell I lie…but niggas…niggas are just LIARS! There's a difference & for the life of me I cannot understand why! As up front as I am, as real as I am, as straight-forward, as forth-coming, as honest…STILL niggas LIE! WHY?! Just WHY?!
This is me…"Hi my name is Shanette, I'm 24. I have a degree. I have a job…2 in fact. I was supposed to be a doctor but I'm thinking I wanna be a buyer or something really cool like that, kinda like Whitney on the The Hills! I don't have kids. I don't want kids (today…possibly ever). I STRONGLY dislike Memphis. I love God. I'm not a virgin. I like sex…like a LOT…NO you can't fuck me…no I don't have a bf & I'm okay w/that & naw I ain't lying…& no, nothing is wrong w/me…y'all (men) are just whack as hell & I ain't got time for the bullshit! Sure, you can have my number but I may not answer @ first b/c I'm not that good w/phone calls so I'll prolly call you back…eventually…but more than likely I'll text you. Oh yeah, I HATE voicemail…the END! Again, I forewarn you…I'm NO easy task…so…you may wanna re-consider…I'm just saying…" Okay maybe I don't say that verbatim BUT I do get most of that in there upon first meeting…that's a lot of information, but it's really just basic need-to-know…not too deep…just enough for you to know where I am in life & if you can work w/that…if I can work w/you…if you're even working w/something! All I expect in return is the same courtesy of an honest first meeting. ESPECIALLY if you are the one trying to holla…I mean I am really confused as to why niggas feel the need to lie to somebody they don't even know…I mean who am I for you to be lying to??? It's frustrating b/c they could get so much further…so much respect…so much more if they were just honest from jump. Say what you want…that doesn't mean you have to be demeaning about it by saying I just wanna fuck you…but that same phrase can be said in a more tactful way…b/c you never know the chick you checking for maybe just the girl to handle that…she could just want the same. Or she could want more…but you too damn concerned w/selling dreams & shit that you neglect the simple fact that honesty is indeed the best policy…why? B/c the truth ALWAYS comes out & WTF do you voluntarily want to live w/unnecessary lies anyways…weighing down on your conscious…maintaining double, triple, multiple lives based on lies…its insanity to me! Complete & utter INSANITY!
These are the reasons I can't hardly not deal w/niggas…makes my fucking head hurt & I don't like that shit…trying to figure out what is the truth & what is a lie…WHY?! You not even my man & you lying?! Is it just me or is that completely asinine?!
As much as I don't give a fuck about niggas & the dumb shit they be saying, the woman in me still wants to believe that for once @ least one will tell the truth…WRONG! Now I feel like a dumbass! I swear I feel like a fucking idiot…very foolish…why would this bitch introduce me to his friends, be ALL OVER me in public, and practically force me to get a key to his apartment (which I did NOT get)…to end up having a gf! WHY?! Is that not some crazy shit?! Now I feel like a fucking home wrecking low-life slut bitch b/c I'm fucking another girl's man! That's trifling & I don't like it…I don't like it @ all! I do NOT fuck other bitches' niggas…NO thanks! Then this nigga aint even worth it…cus the sex was pretty much WHACK!
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm disappointed in my own self!
Lesson learned ladies: Don't be a fool!
(5/19/08) Update: Uh…I'm still involved…I know right…slap me! I'm just so damn bored…I'm settling & I know that's awful but its true…what's even worse is that I know better yet I digress! I blame Memphis! L
…& these are the reasons I don't bother w/niggas & I'm abstinent more often than not…both factors fuck up my mental & I just can't have that…so Imma do better…boredom or not!
Update #2 (5/26/08): So...I finally asked if in fact he has a gf & he said "yeah, now what?" Now what?! Now what the fuck?! What do you mean, now what?! WTH?! Uh....now I don't even know...isn't that totally horrific?! *sighs* ...I'll be back...unfortunately!
Shamefully,
S. Parks
Monday, March 31, 2008
BITCHASSNESS!!!
I just wanna say...if ever I thought I would reconsider anything w/Kevin...fuck that...NOPE!!!
& that's all I wanted to say about that!
Thanks & Goodnite!
SHANETTE R. PARKS
& that's all I wanted to say about that!
Thanks & Goodnite!
SHANETTE R. PARKS
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Too Young to Go Steady
Today was long. Exhausting. A roller coaster.
My head hurts. I'm tired. My stomach hurts.
I just don't even know what to say anymore.
I'm so over this thing w/him I can't even talk to him anymore.
We don't talk anyways. We beef.
Can anyone tell me what happened?
Its me isn't it? I'm the bad guy right? Typical!
I don't even care anymore & that's NOT good, though according to him I never cared.
Maybe he's right. I don't even know anymore & I'm done trying to figure it out.
After this post there will be no more mentions of this...unless we strike gold & shit gets right...that's it on the "2nd Chance" postings.
So I'm going to give you a thorough insight into a recurring conversation we have re: "the relationship & sex"...feel free to chime in...then I'm going to give my personal prediction of what's to come & what I would like to happen & more importantly how I feel.
Here goes:
A synopsis of our l8est conversation, All-Star, post-confessional (read the previous post).
Him: Why is it so hard for you to commit to me?
Me: Its not personal.
Him: It has to be. You've commited b4 without cheating.
Me: That was different.
Him: So it is me?
Me: No. Its me.
Him: Excuses.
Me: Its the truth though. It is what it is & I am who I am.
Him: Well you're fucked up & this shit is for the birds.
Me: You're being unfair. I told you how I was upfront. I told you what I'm capable of, right now. The problem is you thought you could change that, but you neglected to understand this has nothing to do with anyone but me. These are my own issues & until I am ready to reconcile them this is how it will be. My mistake was I actually thought you could understand that & deal with it...that was my fault. I should've stuck w/my instinct.
Him: Which was?
Me: That you couldn't/can't handle me.
Him: You won't allow me!!!
Me: I've been more than compromising for YOU!
Him: Really?!
Me: Yes really, you asshole! The Shanette you met initially: the aggressive, mean, self-absorbed, stubborn, bitch has changed to accomodate YOU! Despite what you think, I STOPPED having sex for YOU! Actually, I didn't even want to have sex w/anyone else. I cut everyone off for YOU!
Him: Okay, Shanette, you just had sex! What are you talking about?! You are the one who wanted the open relationship, not me, YOU!
Me: True, but...
Him: But what? But, you're a fucking liar!
Me: Chill out.
Him: I hate when you do that! Demean me & my anger, like I don't have the right to be so.
Me: What I'm saying is this. I haven't been having sex, because I have only wanted you, but gotdamn how long do you think I'm just going to go w/o. You accuse me. You provoke me. WTF?! Am I supposed to do?! I have needs! You know how I am. No wait I forgot you shun me when I even mention sex. Like the shit is the worst fucking thing ever!!! So maybe you don't know...or you chose NOT to know!
Him: Here you go...so I'm the blame for you wanting to fuck other niggas.
Me: I just said I don't want to, but what I am supposed to do when you won't fuck me & there's no justification. Just some bullshit about, you not fucking me if I'm fucking other people, that's a problem for you. You treat me like I'm a hoe or slut or something. If I am such, wtf are you w/me?!
Him: Yes, I do have a problem w/that & that turns me off, no it pisses me off & it makes me look @ you differently in that capacity. Do you think I just don't want you?! That's crazy! I just want you to want me, completely. No one else. I don't want to think about who you've been with, and who knows you. I HATE that!!!
Me: So don't think about it. Trust me when I say its not like that. Its not about that. The open relationship is for my sanity. The mere thought of a relationship makes me want to vomit. You knew this, yet you insisted, persisted on forcing me into this...what did I do. I gave in...okay not completely but I made/making an effort. Can I get a little cred?! NOOOOOOOOOO All I get is drama & beef!
Him: Stop making me feel inadequate & maybe I could focus.
Me: Stop making it a fucking issue & maybe you could enjoy it! Its JUST sex!!! Jesus Christ! Get over it!
Him: How can I, if I know you want it ALL the time? & I'm not there to fulfill...!
Me: See what I'm saying...this conversation is SO fucking whack man...you have NO idea what I like & you don't care to know. I'm over this shit.
Him: I know you are b/c you don't care about us, no you don't care about ME! There is no us.
Me: Ugh! Whatever.
Him: My point exactly.
That's about the gist of it...everytime we discuss this...a WASTE of FUCKING TIME!!!
I have come to the conclusion that we are just incompatible sexually. Now here's the dilemma...@ 24 years of age I am not sure that I can accept that & be happy. Especially, w/him making me feel like I'm the problem. So...we have decisions to make...can he deal w/me & my issues w/commitment until I'm ready to commit & can I deal w/the lack of sexual chemistry until I figure out what is I'm going to do??? I figure I MUST really like him b/c I would NEVER debate re: a nigga. I just don't do such things. I either do or I don't. No in betweens. No back & forth. No months of debate & confusion. I can't explain to you or him how much I want this thing to work...that's why I'm still here & it hurts my feelings when he says I don't care, but of course that just pushes me away & I really act like I don't give a fuck. Its all an act though & he knows that...he just doesn't believe it...he doesn't believe that I like him, but I can't express how much I sincerely like the man! He's GREAT & if we can get past this man, I'm afraid of how hard I COULD fall...BUT (and this is a BIG but) I'm getting REALLY bored! When I get bored, I do dumb shit...like entertain WHACK niggas & waste time & $$$! NOT GOOD, I know.
Let me just say its not just the sex folks, or @ least not necessarily the act...its the feeling, the feeling that you're not wanted. I'm SO into myself & I know that's bad...but I swear I could literally get off on just the feeling of WANT...its the best feeling ever! I mean you feel invincible, SUPER confident, well @ least I do! Don't get me wrong I know I'm haute w/o the approval of others...its not the approval I seek...its the desire...that's what it is DESIRE! When someone desires you, there is passion...strong feelings, alomst uncontrollable. It makes me feel powerful & what's better than $ & sex combined??? P O W E R!!! Yep, read a history book if you don't believe me...naw just turn on the tv...its everywhere! So that's the thing...I don't feel the passion.
So...today...we decided to call it quits...yeah I'm sad but I'm relieved too. I don't want to hurt him & I was rapidly approaching that 'I don't give a damn mentality' which would def result in someone being hurt & that someone was NOT going to be me! He too, was getting frustrated w/me & the arguing & the lack of progression & the confusion. We couldn't find a resolution. So we gave in. We've succumb to the pressures. Maybe the release will give us some individual insight to make the 'us' thing work. Maybe I'll grow up. Maybe he'll be more understanding. Honestly I can't see myself giving this a 3rd go round...but hey you never know, I gave it a 2nd & that was out of character so...maybe...or maybe its just not meant...guess we'll never know huh...maybe...maybe...Next Lifetime???
Its been real.
I enjoyed the time spent.
I hope we remain friends.
Kevin will always have a special place in my heart...almost made it melt & for that I'm most appreciative & quite impressed! ;-)
REAL TALK!
XOXO
~Shanette *Cookie*
My head hurts. I'm tired. My stomach hurts.
I just don't even know what to say anymore.
I'm so over this thing w/him I can't even talk to him anymore.
We don't talk anyways. We beef.
Can anyone tell me what happened?
Its me isn't it? I'm the bad guy right? Typical!
I don't even care anymore & that's NOT good, though according to him I never cared.
Maybe he's right. I don't even know anymore & I'm done trying to figure it out.
After this post there will be no more mentions of this...unless we strike gold & shit gets right...that's it on the "2nd Chance" postings.
So I'm going to give you a thorough insight into a recurring conversation we have re: "the relationship & sex"...feel free to chime in...then I'm going to give my personal prediction of what's to come & what I would like to happen & more importantly how I feel.
Here goes:
A synopsis of our l8est conversation, All-Star, post-confessional (read the previous post).
Him: Why is it so hard for you to commit to me?
Me: Its not personal.
Him: It has to be. You've commited b4 without cheating.
Me: That was different.
Him: So it is me?
Me: No. Its me.
Him: Excuses.
Me: Its the truth though. It is what it is & I am who I am.
Him: Well you're fucked up & this shit is for the birds.
Me: You're being unfair. I told you how I was upfront. I told you what I'm capable of, right now. The problem is you thought you could change that, but you neglected to understand this has nothing to do with anyone but me. These are my own issues & until I am ready to reconcile them this is how it will be. My mistake was I actually thought you could understand that & deal with it...that was my fault. I should've stuck w/my instinct.
Him: Which was?
Me: That you couldn't/can't handle me.
Him: You won't allow me!!!
Me: I've been more than compromising for YOU!
Him: Really?!
Me: Yes really, you asshole! The Shanette you met initially: the aggressive, mean, self-absorbed, stubborn, bitch has changed to accomodate YOU! Despite what you think, I STOPPED having sex for YOU! Actually, I didn't even want to have sex w/anyone else. I cut everyone off for YOU!
Him: Okay, Shanette, you just had sex! What are you talking about?! You are the one who wanted the open relationship, not me, YOU!
Me: True, but...
Him: But what? But, you're a fucking liar!
Me: Chill out.
Him: I hate when you do that! Demean me & my anger, like I don't have the right to be so.
Me: What I'm saying is this. I haven't been having sex, because I have only wanted you, but gotdamn how long do you think I'm just going to go w/o. You accuse me. You provoke me. WTF?! Am I supposed to do?! I have needs! You know how I am. No wait I forgot you shun me when I even mention sex. Like the shit is the worst fucking thing ever!!! So maybe you don't know...or you chose NOT to know!
Him: Here you go...so I'm the blame for you wanting to fuck other niggas.
Me: I just said I don't want to, but what I am supposed to do when you won't fuck me & there's no justification. Just some bullshit about, you not fucking me if I'm fucking other people, that's a problem for you. You treat me like I'm a hoe or slut or something. If I am such, wtf are you w/me?!
Him: Yes, I do have a problem w/that & that turns me off, no it pisses me off & it makes me look @ you differently in that capacity. Do you think I just don't want you?! That's crazy! I just want you to want me, completely. No one else. I don't want to think about who you've been with, and who knows you. I HATE that!!!
Me: So don't think about it. Trust me when I say its not like that. Its not about that. The open relationship is for my sanity. The mere thought of a relationship makes me want to vomit. You knew this, yet you insisted, persisted on forcing me into this...what did I do. I gave in...okay not completely but I made/making an effort. Can I get a little cred?! NOOOOOOOOOO All I get is drama & beef!
Him: Stop making me feel inadequate & maybe I could focus.
Me: Stop making it a fucking issue & maybe you could enjoy it! Its JUST sex!!! Jesus Christ! Get over it!
Him: How can I, if I know you want it ALL the time? & I'm not there to fulfill...!
Me: See what I'm saying...this conversation is SO fucking whack man...you have NO idea what I like & you don't care to know. I'm over this shit.
Him: I know you are b/c you don't care about us, no you don't care about ME! There is no us.
Me: Ugh! Whatever.
Him: My point exactly.
That's about the gist of it...everytime we discuss this...a WASTE of FUCKING TIME!!!
I have come to the conclusion that we are just incompatible sexually. Now here's the dilemma...@ 24 years of age I am not sure that I can accept that & be happy. Especially, w/him making me feel like I'm the problem. So...we have decisions to make...can he deal w/me & my issues w/commitment until I'm ready to commit & can I deal w/the lack of sexual chemistry until I figure out what is I'm going to do??? I figure I MUST really like him b/c I would NEVER debate re: a nigga. I just don't do such things. I either do or I don't. No in betweens. No back & forth. No months of debate & confusion. I can't explain to you or him how much I want this thing to work...that's why I'm still here & it hurts my feelings when he says I don't care, but of course that just pushes me away & I really act like I don't give a fuck. Its all an act though & he knows that...he just doesn't believe it...he doesn't believe that I like him, but I can't express how much I sincerely like the man! He's GREAT & if we can get past this man, I'm afraid of how hard I COULD fall...BUT (and this is a BIG but) I'm getting REALLY bored! When I get bored, I do dumb shit...like entertain WHACK niggas & waste time & $$$! NOT GOOD, I know.
Let me just say its not just the sex folks, or @ least not necessarily the act...its the feeling, the feeling that you're not wanted. I'm SO into myself & I know that's bad...but I swear I could literally get off on just the feeling of WANT...its the best feeling ever! I mean you feel invincible, SUPER confident, well @ least I do! Don't get me wrong I know I'm haute w/o the approval of others...its not the approval I seek...its the desire...that's what it is DESIRE! When someone desires you, there is passion...strong feelings, alomst uncontrollable. It makes me feel powerful & what's better than $ & sex combined??? P O W E R!!! Yep, read a history book if you don't believe me...naw just turn on the tv...its everywhere! So that's the thing...I don't feel the passion.
So...today...we decided to call it quits...yeah I'm sad but I'm relieved too. I don't want to hurt him & I was rapidly approaching that 'I don't give a damn mentality' which would def result in someone being hurt & that someone was NOT going to be me! He too, was getting frustrated w/me & the arguing & the lack of progression & the confusion. We couldn't find a resolution. So we gave in. We've succumb to the pressures. Maybe the release will give us some individual insight to make the 'us' thing work. Maybe I'll grow up. Maybe he'll be more understanding. Honestly I can't see myself giving this a 3rd go round...but hey you never know, I gave it a 2nd & that was out of character so...maybe...or maybe its just not meant...guess we'll never know huh...maybe...maybe...Next Lifetime???
Its been real.
I enjoyed the time spent.
I hope we remain friends.
Kevin will always have a special place in my heart...almost made it melt & for that I'm most appreciative & quite impressed! ;-)
REAL TALK!
XOXO
~Shanette *Cookie*
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The Sweet Taste of Sin
GUESS WHO'S BIZZACK?!
i KNOW i KNOW!
iTS BEEN 4EVER!
SAWRY!
i don't have Top...he is gone & never coming back...new computer on the way (it has no name yet).
Anywhoo...a whole lotta nothing has been goings on since I last checked in.
Lets c here...biggest thing is "2nd Chance", I guess. He's still here...BARELY...or maybe its the other way around...maybe I'm the 1 who's hanging on by a thread! "I'm tired of you, Shanette." My thoughts..."bye then nigga, what's keeping u here?!" Ugh! I swear we have done a complete muthafucking 3hundred & sixty degrees, ya hear me?! I mean I don't know where the shit went wrong...oh wait...yes I do...the moment we started the "relationship talk" PROBLEM #1-55!!! I told y'all, him, them, me, us...that this would happen! As soon as u start talkiin that shit, what happens? Shit changes! Guess what happened...SHIT HAS CHANGED like a muthafucka!
I mean I'm just @ the point where I could give a fuck less...who wants 2 be in something 2 days & already be like "damn wtf happened 2 us?!" I know I don't, hell & I'm sure he doesn't either...no matter how GREAT I (THINK) I am!
So...our last encounter...All-Star-NOLA (I would give yall the scoop on all the happs but I was TOO fucking slizzy 2 recall anything worth mentioning...maybe the next post I'll come up w/something), which btw was a muthafucking blast bitches, sucks 2 be u if u weren't in the midst! So anyways.."2nd Chance" was there for 1 day, 1 damn day & we beefed the WHOLE time!!! WTF?! The shit was SO trivial I can he recollect enuff 2 give details! So...guess what I did...don't worry I'll wait...can't guess or u just don't wanna say...okay...I had sex...yep...w/someone else...lol...sounds funny said aloud but I know its trifling as the fuck...& what's so bad is...he ("2nd Chance") was in VERY close proximity (ooohweee I'm bad as a hell)! I mean I tried not to do it...but its like he was forcing me...provoking me...accusing me...so...I said "fuck it!" I'm like "bruh, u say I don't trust u, hell u clearly don't trust me, but I don't tell lies (hardly)!" He's right I don't trust him...not yet @ least...I don't hardly trust anyone (me included). I mean he has to earn trust, you know. I don't just go around giving the shit away to any nigga asking...it ain't free! Everything cost over here baybay! SHiiiT better get yo mind right, fuckin w/me! I do extraordinary things...I'm no ordinary girl!
"2nd Chance", I knew he wasn't ready. I'm just too much, even for myself, in every aspect...not that that's like what's haute or anything...that's just me & I accept that. HE wasn't ready & I knew that...I told him that in advance but he chose to believe otherwise & this is the result of such. Anyways, back to the sex...btw-it was pretty good (sawry can't tell who it was with but when I recap All-Star next post, I might throw in some details)...& "2nd Chance" knows about what happened...of course he went ballistic! Oh if u were wondering how he knows-he asked...so I told...I'm all about the honesty thing...plus we aren't in a closed relationship so...I mean wtf would he ask if he didn't want the gotdamn answer...what happened to the 'don't ask don't tell' policy he set forth when we started this shit?! He couldn't take it! He can't take it! Its all too much for him & all this DRAMA is too much for me! I'm SO over it! I mean aren't u over hearing about it??? I just can't commit w/the sex issue pending...See this is the thing if he was str8 up about what the problem is, if there is in fact a problem, then I would be okay but this lack of communication in that realm is driving me bananas!!!! I mean I'm forthright about all my dealings & feelings, for the most...he claims I'm "only honest when I either don't care about hurting someone's feelings (which is often) or when its convienent." That's prolly true...but so what?! What does that have to do w/this issue that we've been dancing around for the past 6 damn months?! NOTHING not a damn thing!
Maybe I'm making a big deal about nothing...but prolly not though...I mean what is the point of the bf if u cant have sex or @ least say hey "I'm abstinent"...I mean I could even deal w/that...I've been abstinent b4...its no biggie...I just have to get in that mindset but hell if u don't tell me, wtf am I supposed to think??? Either u don't wanna fuck me personally (which I HIGHly doubt...not to boast but damn if I don't brag...I'm sick w/it!), or u fucking somebody else (anything's possible), or u like the same sex (again anything's possible), or u have some issues I don't know about (hmmmm). Either way I'm no fuckin mind reader, so speak up nigga!!!
I know I know...
Say Goodnite 2 the BAdgUy...I'm outta this bitch!
After all that shit I was just talking...I still like u "2nd Chance" ;)
Seriously though...we gotta GIT & fast cus I'm getting that itch...to ditch! I can tell he's not gonna deal much longer either...so who's gonna crack 1st is the question???
XOXO,
Sdotter (Cookie)
I swear I'm totally absurd!
i KNOW i KNOW!
iTS BEEN 4EVER!
SAWRY!
i don't have Top...he is gone & never coming back...new computer on the way (it has no name yet).
Anywhoo...a whole lotta nothing has been goings on since I last checked in.
Lets c here...biggest thing is "2nd Chance", I guess. He's still here...BARELY...or maybe its the other way around...maybe I'm the 1 who's hanging on by a thread! "I'm tired of you, Shanette." My thoughts..."bye then nigga, what's keeping u here?!" Ugh! I swear we have done a complete muthafucking 3hundred & sixty degrees, ya hear me?! I mean I don't know where the shit went wrong...oh wait...yes I do...the moment we started the "relationship talk" PROBLEM #1-55!!! I told y'all, him, them, me, us...that this would happen! As soon as u start talkiin that shit, what happens? Shit changes! Guess what happened...SHIT HAS CHANGED like a muthafucka!
I mean I'm just @ the point where I could give a fuck less...who wants 2 be in something 2 days & already be like "damn wtf happened 2 us?!" I know I don't, hell & I'm sure he doesn't either...no matter how GREAT I (THINK) I am!
So...our last encounter...All-Star-NOLA (I would give yall the scoop on all the happs but I was TOO fucking slizzy 2 recall anything worth mentioning...maybe the next post I'll come up w/something), which btw was a muthafucking blast bitches, sucks 2 be u if u weren't in the midst! So anyways.."2nd Chance" was there for 1 day, 1 damn day & we beefed the WHOLE time!!! WTF?! The shit was SO trivial I can he recollect enuff 2 give details! So...guess what I did...don't worry I'll wait...can't guess or u just don't wanna say...okay...I had sex...yep...w/someone else...lol...sounds funny said aloud but I know its trifling as the fuck...& what's so bad is...he ("2nd Chance") was in VERY close proximity (ooohweee I'm bad as a hell)! I mean I tried not to do it...but its like he was forcing me...provoking me...accusing me...so...I said "fuck it!" I'm like "bruh, u say I don't trust u, hell u clearly don't trust me, but I don't tell lies (hardly)!" He's right I don't trust him...not yet @ least...I don't hardly trust anyone (me included). I mean he has to earn trust, you know. I don't just go around giving the shit away to any nigga asking...it ain't free! Everything cost over here baybay! SHiiiT better get yo mind right, fuckin w/me! I do extraordinary things...I'm no ordinary girl!
"2nd Chance", I knew he wasn't ready. I'm just too much, even for myself, in every aspect...not that that's like what's haute or anything...that's just me & I accept that. HE wasn't ready & I knew that...I told him that in advance but he chose to believe otherwise & this is the result of such. Anyways, back to the sex...btw-it was pretty good (sawry can't tell who it was with but when I recap All-Star next post, I might throw in some details)...& "2nd Chance" knows about what happened...of course he went ballistic! Oh if u were wondering how he knows-he asked...so I told...I'm all about the honesty thing...plus we aren't in a closed relationship so...I mean wtf would he ask if he didn't want the gotdamn answer...what happened to the 'don't ask don't tell' policy he set forth when we started this shit?! He couldn't take it! He can't take it! Its all too much for him & all this DRAMA is too much for me! I'm SO over it! I mean aren't u over hearing about it??? I just can't commit w/the sex issue pending...See this is the thing if he was str8 up about what the problem is, if there is in fact a problem, then I would be okay but this lack of communication in that realm is driving me bananas!!!! I mean I'm forthright about all my dealings & feelings, for the most...he claims I'm "only honest when I either don't care about hurting someone's feelings (which is often) or when its convienent." That's prolly true...but so what?! What does that have to do w/this issue that we've been dancing around for the past 6 damn months?! NOTHING not a damn thing!
Maybe I'm making a big deal about nothing...but prolly not though...I mean what is the point of the bf if u cant have sex or @ least say hey "I'm abstinent"...I mean I could even deal w/that...I've been abstinent b4...its no biggie...I just have to get in that mindset but hell if u don't tell me, wtf am I supposed to think??? Either u don't wanna fuck me personally (which I HIGHly doubt...not to boast but damn if I don't brag...I'm sick w/it!), or u fucking somebody else (anything's possible), or u like the same sex (again anything's possible), or u have some issues I don't know about (hmmmm). Either way I'm no fuckin mind reader, so speak up nigga!!!
I know I know...
Say Goodnite 2 the BAdgUy...I'm outta this bitch!
After all that shit I was just talking...I still like u "2nd Chance" ;)
Seriously though...we gotta GIT & fast cus I'm getting that itch...to ditch! I can tell he's not gonna deal much longer either...so who's gonna crack 1st is the question???
XOXO,
Sdotter (Cookie)
I swear I'm totally absurd!
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Ice Princess
Doesn’t every girl dream of being a "little princess" or @ least treated like one? Of course they do…and I am no exception…in fact in my mind I am a "little princess." So…yeah I’m a princess @ 24…a princess w/an “icebox where my heart used to be.”
Who’s fault is that? Could be the ex’s…could be Jack’s…could be my daddy…could be my own doing. I’m 24 though, so the blame game is a little cheesy!
First step: Recognition.
Second step: Admission.
I Recognize.
I Admit.
I’m an asshole…problem is…I don’t mind being an asshole. I’ve convinced myself that people are fickle. Flaky. They will hurt you @ some point. So I’m over it before it happens. Ironic b/c I’m the person whose always wanting the best for other people i.e. my friends & family…I never seem to hold myself in that same regard. Though my biggest want in life is to be happy. Seems to be that I am sabotaging any opportunities for happiness.
Why? Maybe I think I don’t deserve happiness. Maybe I think it doesn’t really exist. Maybe I don’t even know what it is. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy then returning to unhappiness. All these maybes. I don’t know. I do know that I need to GIT & fast before I definitely miss out on something great or ruin my chances for happiness!
I.E. “2nd Chance”
I’ve basically forced “2nd Chance” to be in an open relationship. He couldn’t understand why. Says he doesn’t want anyone else. He’s with who he wants. “Why would I pursue something so diligently to ultimately be w/someone insignificant or do something stupid to jeopardize my pursuit. Makes no sense.” Yeah he’s right & I knew that before I asked him…”are you still talking/seeing other people?” He was taken aback that I would even ask such things. He quickly realized the question wasn’t really about him it was about me. “I realized I’ve forced you into something that you’ve tried your hardest to run away from, but ultimately you made the decision to be w/me…if it's not what you want say so, don’t bullshit me.” “I want it. I do. Now. I just don’t think I can fully commit to you yet. I’m just not ready (I said that about 10x). I don’t want to lose you but I don’t want to hurt you either. I’m just not ready.” (He sighs) Well I appreciate your honesty, but you have to make a decision. I’ve made mine. This about you not us. You don’t trust me. I don’t know what else to do. There is nothing else for me to do, but what I’m doing. I want you Shanette that’s obvious but I’m not going to force you to be with me. Just say the word & I’m gone.” (Now I’m sighing) “No. I just need time.” Him-“well you have until the end of January. I guess this means we’re in an open relationship but I don’t wanna hear shit about what you do w/whomever. I don’t even wanna think about the shit. So you do whatever you need to do to make sure that doesn’t happen (that’s the least you can do). Come February I don’t wanna hear shit else about this. If you still aren’t ready…I’m done Shanette, seriously…no discussions.”
It sounds as bad as it was. I felt pretty bad but I mean I really want to be honest w/him about where I am & how I’m feeling.
Truth is I don’t even understand what I’m feeling. I’m talking to other guys who are like dogshit compared to “2nd Chance” so it's not really another guy. It's me. I’m the problem.
I’m just not ready…to…be…in love…again. The thought of it makes my head hurt…makes me wanna vomit actually. I’m not a very fearful person but I’m really afraid of that. & I know. I know. Things are headed that way & I’m just not ready.
So I occupy my time w/bullshit to mask the real shit. BUT. Reality is: I’m wasting my time. His time. Everybody’s time. Being a little punk. I don’t want to hurt him. Especially over some whack shit.
I really don’t know what my deal is…I’m such an asshole but to the wrong people…well to everyone but not everyone deserves that!
Some kinda way I’ve started to be nicer to people who don’t deserve & I shit on people who deserve my goodness. Don’t know what that’s about…
Imma do better though b/c I should…for my own sake (& “2nd Chance too).
Sidebar: Is it not weird that he keeps giving me chances??? Does that not some suspect to you??? Like why would he allot me more time to make a decision when his whole reasoning for not talking to me that time was b/c he didn’t have any more time to waste on me? I’m probably over-analyzing as usual. I know. But I just think that’s kinda odd…but maybe that’s just me! I mean I know I’d be like “my nigga please” if he hit me w/that shit! Poor “2nd Chance” I don’t even think he really knows WTH he’s getting himself into!
~Shanette
“Basically I’m complicated. I have a hard time taking the easy way…I wouldn’t call it schizophrenia but I’ll be @ least 2 people today!” Gnarls Barkley
Who’s fault is that? Could be the ex’s…could be Jack’s…could be my daddy…could be my own doing. I’m 24 though, so the blame game is a little cheesy!
First step: Recognition.
Second step: Admission.
I Recognize.
I Admit.
I’m an asshole…problem is…I don’t mind being an asshole. I’ve convinced myself that people are fickle. Flaky. They will hurt you @ some point. So I’m over it before it happens. Ironic b/c I’m the person whose always wanting the best for other people i.e. my friends & family…I never seem to hold myself in that same regard. Though my biggest want in life is to be happy. Seems to be that I am sabotaging any opportunities for happiness.
Why? Maybe I think I don’t deserve happiness. Maybe I think it doesn’t really exist. Maybe I don’t even know what it is. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy then returning to unhappiness. All these maybes. I don’t know. I do know that I need to GIT & fast before I definitely miss out on something great or ruin my chances for happiness!
I.E. “2nd Chance”
I’ve basically forced “2nd Chance” to be in an open relationship. He couldn’t understand why. Says he doesn’t want anyone else. He’s with who he wants. “Why would I pursue something so diligently to ultimately be w/someone insignificant or do something stupid to jeopardize my pursuit. Makes no sense.” Yeah he’s right & I knew that before I asked him…”are you still talking/seeing other people?” He was taken aback that I would even ask such things. He quickly realized the question wasn’t really about him it was about me. “I realized I’ve forced you into something that you’ve tried your hardest to run away from, but ultimately you made the decision to be w/me…if it's not what you want say so, don’t bullshit me.” “I want it. I do. Now. I just don’t think I can fully commit to you yet. I’m just not ready (I said that about 10x). I don’t want to lose you but I don’t want to hurt you either. I’m just not ready.” (He sighs) Well I appreciate your honesty, but you have to make a decision. I’ve made mine. This about you not us. You don’t trust me. I don’t know what else to do. There is nothing else for me to do, but what I’m doing. I want you Shanette that’s obvious but I’m not going to force you to be with me. Just say the word & I’m gone.” (Now I’m sighing) “No. I just need time.” Him-“well you have until the end of January. I guess this means we’re in an open relationship but I don’t wanna hear shit about what you do w/whomever. I don’t even wanna think about the shit. So you do whatever you need to do to make sure that doesn’t happen (that’s the least you can do). Come February I don’t wanna hear shit else about this. If you still aren’t ready…I’m done Shanette, seriously…no discussions.”
It sounds as bad as it was. I felt pretty bad but I mean I really want to be honest w/him about where I am & how I’m feeling.
Truth is I don’t even understand what I’m feeling. I’m talking to other guys who are like dogshit compared to “2nd Chance” so it's not really another guy. It's me. I’m the problem.
I’m just not ready…to…be…in love…again. The thought of it makes my head hurt…makes me wanna vomit actually. I’m not a very fearful person but I’m really afraid of that. & I know. I know. Things are headed that way & I’m just not ready.
So I occupy my time w/bullshit to mask the real shit. BUT. Reality is: I’m wasting my time. His time. Everybody’s time. Being a little punk. I don’t want to hurt him. Especially over some whack shit.
I really don’t know what my deal is…I’m such an asshole but to the wrong people…well to everyone but not everyone deserves that!
Some kinda way I’ve started to be nicer to people who don’t deserve & I shit on people who deserve my goodness. Don’t know what that’s about…
Imma do better though b/c I should…for my own sake (& “2nd Chance too).
Sidebar: Is it not weird that he keeps giving me chances??? Does that not some suspect to you??? Like why would he allot me more time to make a decision when his whole reasoning for not talking to me that time was b/c he didn’t have any more time to waste on me? I’m probably over-analyzing as usual. I know. But I just think that’s kinda odd…but maybe that’s just me! I mean I know I’d be like “my nigga please” if he hit me w/that shit! Poor “2nd Chance” I don’t even think he really knows WTH he’s getting himself into!
~Shanette
“Basically I’m complicated. I have a hard time taking the easy way…I wouldn’t call it schizophrenia but I’ll be @ least 2 people today!” Gnarls Barkley
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