Trick Me!

My second reference to Kelis's Tasty. You guys like that album too...as much I did/do? OMGosh! Me & my friend Nic made this vid of her performing to a song from that album. SOOOOOOOOO funny! Classic material, unfortunately Katrina was the cause of destruction for that little piece of history. Oh well...

Anyways.

I really kinda don't wanna talk about this. Haven't actually discussed (in detail) it w/anyone as of yet.

So...basically. I called, on Friday, "2nd chance" after pressures from my friends. We hadn't spoken in about week or so. Not for real. Bullshit texts. Blah e-mails. Awkward conversations. Anyways, back to Friday. I called. To my surprise he didn't answer. Surprising b/c he never not answers. So...I'm like "Ohhhhkay, wth?!" To my surprise & lapse of rationale I left a message..."What is going on MAN? Tired of playing games. We clearly aren't regular. So be a man & say what's on your mind b/c there IS something on your mind, right???" Hung up. Thought to myself, "not so sure that was a good idea, Shanette...no, it was not! Damnit!" I was supposed to be calling to apologize.

So...he calls back..about 6-7 hours later. By this time, I'm rather annoyed not only by him not answering the phone, but his LOOONG ass delay in returning my call. On top of the fact that I've been drinking. Its about 12 am. Here's the conversation:
(Him=2 Me=1)
1:Hello
2: What's up
1: Idunno. You tell me.
2: What was that message about?
1: You KNOW what the message is about.
2: What do you want me to say, Shanette?
1: I want you to say, "shit is cool, we're regular." So that I can stop feeling like we're playing cat & mouse.
2: Well I can't say that b/c I'm NOT regular & shit is NOT cool.
1: Well wtf is the problem???
2: You.
1: Me???!!!
2: Yep. That's it. Just you.
1: Well if I'm the problem why are you even calling me?
2: b/c I'm polite
(Now I'm MAD!)
1: Polite? No, you're a fucking hypocrite! You talk all this shit & you doing something completely different.
2: Of course. Don't take the blame. Place the blame.
1: Fuck you!
2: Yeah. I know. That's your answer for everything! You really need to...
1: Need to what?!
2: Get yo head out yo ass. Stop blaming other people for YOUR flaws. Its YOU! You are YOUR problem! All this bullshit act you put up. I don't have time for that shit. I'm a man. Period. All that other shit you're accustomed to, that wasn't shit! Its not my fault. Its not your fault. Its life. Deal. I'm sick of your bullshit, Shanette. I'm over it. I'm done.
1: .....are you serious??? Like what do you mean you're done?!
2: I mean I'm done. I'm not dealing w/YOU anymore. You're not ready. I'm not going to pressure you. SO I'm done.
1: Fine. Fine! Gotdamnit! FINE! I don't need this shit from you! wtf are you anyways?!
2: Apparently, no one, right?
1: Is this a gotdamn trick?!
2: WHAT are you talking about?! Are you drunk?
1: What?!
2: Have you been drinking?
1: WTF?! Are you kidding me?
2: No, answer the question.
1: I'm not answering shit!
2: I know. Simple question=extra complex non-answer. I don't even know why I bother.
1: Man gtf off my phone w/that shit!
2: Okay, bye.
1: Shit, bye!
*****end conversation******

Ummm...my immediate after thoughts...ANGER then...kinda sad.
Now...indifference.

Not sure what to feel.
I'm not even sure what the issue is.
I mean. I know I'm difficult & I sometimes have a hard time taking the easy way.
I just really thought I was doing so well this time.
I didn't think what I said was so bad. Honestly.
I mean. I think I am really hurt b/c I really do like him. I just don't know how much I like him. As days go by...the test of silence will prove how much I like him. Only thing is...I'm the Queen of Silence. I can completely STOP talking to pretty much anyone. No distractions needed. Cold turkey. Quit! I'm kinda heartless like that. Not saying that's a good thing. I just honestly don't think that anyone would really care. Then I ask myself, would I care...and yes, I would. So...I'm trying to stop doing that too. Damn! I can't do nothing fucking w/you sensitive mufuckas. Maybe, Moe's right...I'm not human. I'm an alien from outer space, like Janelle Monae (she's cool-btw)!
I probably am really hurt. Maybe. I just can't feel it (does that sound like bullshit?) Maybe. I really don't care. Hmmm...
Don't know what's going to happen next. If anything.
Don't know what could happen @ this point.
Hell I think I'm lost...cus Idunno what's going on around here.
Maybe I've become too self-absorbed. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe not though.
Let me just say this though. I feel tricked. Scammed. Set up even. I think he knew what he was doing & now I'm the bad guy...as usual!
Trick me once but I won't let you trick me twice.
If something does happen after this. I'm going back to "manual" mode b/c clearly the "semi-automatic" shit does NOT work. Guess it has to be all or nothing. And I just don't know how to be completely open just yet. I think too much for that.
Honestly though. He's not the problem. HE never was. I always said it was me. That I wasn't ready. But he also said he could deal. Guess he couldn't...and I'm...well...Idunno what I am.

I do know I'm outta here cus my tummy hurts.

So...there you have it...no happy endings here.

Bye.

~Shanette
(I'm not allowing ANYONE to ruin my b-day month!)