Thank You & You're Welcome!

On the book of faces I saw this status in my news feed:
THANKs for....the first time we met, the friendship, being selfish, the last time we were together, passing me by,noticing,letting me think you're mine when you never were,for nothing but most importantly EVERYTHING!
My lovely friend Markita Miller.

Of course I had to comment (after a little thought & a crappy day-mentally):
As do I...thanks for...telling the truth, while being a liar...being a giver, while stealing my heart...listening to me, while never saying a word...loving me, while leaving me w/o an explanation! Thanks for absolutely nothing & you're WELCOME for absolutely EVERYTHING (BITCH)!!!
I told you it was that kind of day!

She (Ms. Miller) in turn followed up with an explanation about the initial status & couple 'thank yous' she forgot to mention:t
...thanks for making me realize that I AM SO much better than YOU and for making me feel like I was NO good. The things that make you embrace your worth huh guys.

Wow! Are you wowed b/c I'm nearly floored. The power in her last 2 lines took me some place else with the thank you note & I'm just now (2 weeks later) able to really dissect those thoughts & feelings.

That crappola day I had up there, comes & goes every few days. B/c every few days, I start to reconsider the reasons my ex & I parted ways. I start to reconsider the reasons we aren't back together. I start to reconsider the reasons why he doesn't call & barely texts. I start to then reconsider why does he randomly text & sporadically appears (ie on my damn Pandora station...thanks Facebook) right before my eyes. I start to reconsider what I could have done better. I start to reconsider what I should have done better. I start to reconsider what I said...what I didn't say...how I said it & how I didn't say it. I start to reconsider letting it go & moving on. I start to reconsider calling him & apologizing for what I've done. All the while...the Shanette I've always known is drowning in all that self-pity, guilt, bitterness. I don't know this Shanette.

I decided to reflect on that ultimate break-up which occurred about 4-5 years ago (I can't recall his nickname on here). Talk about devastation! My Lord! B/c I'm certain He is the only reason that not only I made it but he made it...to see another day. Not that you should compare break-ups b/c you shouldn't, just like you shouldn't compare significant others. It's just not fair b/c they don't compare. However for writing & evaluation purposes that's exactly what I'm about to do...only I'm comparing the Shanettes. The Shanette from years ago was so extra crass, gangsta-like, w/a real 'fuck you' attitude! The Shanette today consciously suppresses that Shanette. She recognizes that in order to be successful not just in relationship but life in general that emotionally scarred girl has to better cope w/her issues as a young woman. I said all that to say. My recent ex insinuated that I was still that girl-which I wasn't offended by UNTIL he suggested it was just who I was & I was pretty much incapable of changing. It is the 1 thing that literally pisses me off to no end, when I think of us no longer being together. In my eyes he basically gave up on me. He decided my fate before I could, in turn deciding our fate w/o consulting me. Now what gave him such insight, balls & audacity....no clue!

I have to ponder though why that notion upsets me so...is it b/c it is in fact true? Am I still trapped in that damaged (for a number of uncontrollable & controllable reasons) state?
I disagreed then & I'm on the fence now.
I can only be me, whoever she is...she is multifaceted.
Not one-dimensional. Yes, I am harsh & no that's not changing.
Yes I have & can have an absolutely despicable attitude but that's not a character trait its a coping mechanism.
This is when you learn about you but also when you learn about the type of significant other you need. Not that anyone should have to deal w/anything in particular...but I know I can't & won't deal w/being placed in a box...by anyone or anything. I have to have room to grow.
Here in lies the difference: The 1st Shanette was content & confused by him & herself. This Shanette is only confused by him. I know I'm not perfect by any means b/c I'm great by all means, including this break-up (POW!). Hence I'm reminded that in the end, I'm all I've got, when my man's gone, my money's low, & my friends are busy...I'm all I've got, me & the Lord...all I need, to get by! So I thank him, my recent ex, for reminding me that greatness can't be contained & not everyone is meant to go w/the flow of greatness, for it is indeed a trying journey, a roller-coaster of events, emotions, & transitions to say the least...If I were 5'9, you could say I had the soul of a 6'4 person, like T.I. ...but since I'm 6 feet anyway (giant to most)...I'm just being who I was designed to be & that's all I can be!!!\

Thanks again...& you're absolutely welcome for everything!
I am utterly the gift & the curse. The gift of having experienced such greatness. The curse of having experienced such greatness. .

On that note I'm greatly in need of rest.
Nite.
Remember to love God & yourself-the rest will take care of itself!
Who so ever can't get w/that can definitely get lost!

XoXo-

all the Shanettes...the great. the not so great. & the FABulous!