Too Young to Go Steady

Today was long. Exhausting. A roller coaster.
My head hurts. I'm tired. My stomach hurts.

I just don't even know what to say anymore.
I'm so over this thing w/him I can't even talk to him anymore.
We don't talk anyways. We beef.
Can anyone tell me what happened?
Its me isn't it? I'm the bad guy right? Typical!
I don't even care anymore & that's NOT good, though according to him I never cared.
Maybe he's right. I don't even know anymore & I'm done trying to figure it out.

After this post there will be no more mentions of this...unless we strike gold & shit gets right...that's it on the "2nd Chance" postings.

So I'm going to give you a thorough insight into a recurring conversation we have re: "the relationship & sex"...feel free to chime in...then I'm going to give my personal prediction of what's to come & what I would like to happen & more importantly how I feel.

Here goes:

A synopsis of our l8est conversation, All-Star, post-confessional (read the previous post).

Him: Why is it so hard for you to commit to me?
Me: Its not personal.
Him: It has to be. You've commited b4 without cheating.
Me: That was different.
Him: So it is me?
Me: No. Its me.
Him: Excuses.
Me: Its the truth though. It is what it is & I am who I am.
Him: Well you're fucked up & this shit is for the birds.
Me: You're being unfair. I told you how I was upfront. I told you what I'm capable of, right now. The problem is you thought you could change that, but you neglected to understand this has nothing to do with anyone but me. These are my own issues & until I am ready to reconcile them this is how it will be. My mistake was I actually thought you could understand that & deal with it...that was my fault. I should've stuck w/my instinct.
Him: Which was?
Me: That you couldn't/can't handle me.
Him: You won't allow me!!!
Me: I've been more than compromising for YOU!
Him: Really?!
Me: Yes really, you asshole! The Shanette you met initially: the aggressive, mean, self-absorbed, stubborn, bitch has changed to accomodate YOU! Despite what you think, I STOPPED having sex for YOU! Actually, I didn't even want to have sex w/anyone else. I cut everyone off for YOU!
Him: Okay, Shanette, you just had sex! What are you talking about?! You are the one who wanted the open relationship, not me, YOU!
Me: True, but...
Him: But what? But, you're a fucking liar!
Me: Chill out.
Him: I hate when you do that! Demean me & my anger, like I don't have the right to be so.
Me: What I'm saying is this. I haven't been having sex, because I have only wanted you, but gotdamn how long do you think I'm just going to go w/o. You accuse me. You provoke me. WTF?! Am I supposed to do?! I have needs! You know how I am. No wait I forgot you shun me when I even mention sex. Like the shit is the worst fucking thing ever!!! So maybe you don't know...or you chose NOT to know!
Him: Here you go...so I'm the blame for you wanting to fuck other niggas.
Me: I just said I don't want to, but what I am supposed to do when you won't fuck me & there's no justification. Just some bullshit about, you not fucking me if I'm fucking other people, that's a problem for you. You treat me like I'm a hoe or slut or something. If I am such, wtf are you w/me?!
Him: Yes, I do have a problem w/that & that turns me off, no it pisses me off & it makes me look @ you differently in that capacity. Do you think I just don't want you?! That's crazy! I just want you to want me, completely. No one else. I don't want to think about who you've been with, and who knows you. I HATE that!!!
Me: So don't think about it. Trust me when I say its not like that. Its not about that. The open relationship is for my sanity. The mere thought of a relationship makes me want to vomit. You knew this, yet you insisted, persisted on forcing me into this...what did I do. I gave in...okay not completely but I made/making an effort. Can I get a little cred?! NOOOOOOOOOO All I get is drama & beef!
Him: Stop making me feel inadequate & maybe I could focus.
Me: Stop making it a fucking issue & maybe you could enjoy it! Its JUST sex!!! Jesus Christ! Get over it!
Him: How can I, if I know you want it ALL the time? & I'm not there to fulfill...!
Me: See what I'm saying...this conversation is SO fucking whack man...you have NO idea what I like & you don't care to know. I'm over this shit.
Him: I know you are b/c you don't care about us, no you don't care about ME! There is no us.
Me: Ugh! Whatever.
Him: My point exactly.

That's about the gist of it...everytime we discuss this...a WASTE of FUCKING TIME!!!


I have come to the conclusion that we are just incompatible sexually. Now here's the dilemma...@ 24 years of age I am not sure that I can accept that & be happy. Especially, w/him making me feel like I'm the problem. So...we have decisions to make...can he deal w/me & my issues w/commitment until I'm ready to commit & can I deal w/the lack of sexual chemistry until I figure out what is I'm going to do??? I figure I MUST really like him b/c I would NEVER debate re: a nigga. I just don't do such things. I either do or I don't. No in betweens. No back & forth. No months of debate & confusion. I can't explain to you or him how much I want this thing to work...that's why I'm still here & it hurts my feelings when he says I don't care, but of course that just pushes me away & I really act like I don't give a fuck. Its all an act though & he knows that...he just doesn't believe it...he doesn't believe that I like him, but I can't express how much I sincerely like the man! He's GREAT & if we can get past this man, I'm afraid of how hard I COULD fall...BUT (and this is a BIG but) I'm getting REALLY bored! When I get bored, I do dumb shit...like entertain WHACK niggas & waste time & $$$! NOT GOOD, I know.

Let me just say its not just the sex folks, or @ least not necessarily the act...its the feeling, the feeling that you're not wanted. I'm SO into myself & I know that's bad...but I swear I could literally get off on just the feeling of WANT...its the best feeling ever! I mean you feel invincible, SUPER confident, well @ least I do! Don't get me wrong I know I'm haute w/o the approval of others...its not the approval I seek...its the desire...that's what it is DESIRE! When someone desires you, there is passion...strong feelings, alomst uncontrollable. It makes me feel powerful & what's better than $ & sex combined??? P O W E R!!! Yep, read a history book if you don't believe me...naw just turn on the tv...its everywhere! So that's the thing...I don't feel the passion.

So...today...we decided to call it quits...yeah I'm sad but I'm relieved too. I don't want to hurt him & I was rapidly approaching that 'I don't give a damn mentality' which would def result in someone being hurt & that someone was NOT going to be me! He too, was getting frustrated w/me & the arguing & the lack of progression & the confusion. We couldn't find a resolution. So we gave in. We've succumb to the pressures. Maybe the release will give us some individual insight to make the 'us' thing work. Maybe I'll grow up. Maybe he'll be more understanding. Honestly I can't see myself giving this a 3rd go round...but hey you never know, I gave it a 2nd & that was out of character so...maybe...or maybe its just not meant...guess we'll never know huh...maybe...maybe...Next Lifetime???

Its been real.
I enjoyed the time spent.
I hope we remain friends.
Kevin will always have a special place in my heart...almost made it melt & for that I'm most appreciative & quite impressed! ;-)
REAL TALK!

XOXO
~Shanette *Cookie*