Take Off Your Cool.

My cool??? No sir. Unh uh. NO! *sighs* Okay. Maybe. A little. Dayum! Man I am trippin like muthafuckin Amerie. Hence today's post is brought to you in part by Amerie's One Thing from the Touch album. As well as Outkast-3000 & Norah Jones-Take Off Your Cool-The Love Below.


My head. My mind. My thougts. My feelings. My body. My actions.
How did YOU get here???
Get out. Go away! AAARRRGGGHHH!
How did I get here? Right here. Right now.
This wasn't supposed to happen. Not like this. Not this soon.
WTF is happening to me?!
I'm trippin. I'm slippin.

I realized. Yesterday. That I may be in a tad bit deeper than I'm prepared for @ this moment, in time, of my life.
You know like that level of deep when you're like "Hey, I'm under under (yeah like Chris Rock)." No I'm under that shit. Like, I can't hardly see nothing.
Like an out of body experience...have you ever had one of those...you know where... Self goes out of You and looks @ You like: "Hey man, what the fuck is going on here?!" And then you look back at Self like "Ohhhh shit!"-lol, Cable Guy.

I'm anxious. Skeptical. Not ready. A little scared-yeah I get scared bitches!
I feel good and bad @ the same time.
You know?
Like. I wanna be here. Just not now. I wanna do this. Just not today.
I mean don't get me wrong. I like "2nd chance" Clearly I do. I just don't want to. Just not now.
I know-I know. (Bets-voice in my head) I can't be tuff all my life. Its not about being tuff.
I really just don't wanna. I just don't wanna! Why...you ask...b/c I DON'T! Damnit!

Gotdamn boys. Make me stupid-not literally-more like dumbfounded.
You know?
Vision gets cloudy. When they're in sight.
Right now? Just not right now. Man. Just not right now.*sighs*
I am on ME. Right now. Money. Moving. School. Careers. Money. ME. Money. ME. Right now!
Not boys. Not like that. Its gone too far.
How did I get here man?! How?!?!?!

This is how I know I'm In Too Deep, like Omar Epps.
Chatting w/Princess Ash. About Southern Heritage Classic.
She suggests I ask him to come.
I was actually excited. Surprisingly.
Here's the background on that:
I am not BIG on the whole meeting thing. It makes me feel pressured.
I just don't like pressure. Pressure makes me angry rather than motivated.
Weird? Yeah. Prolly. I'm weird.
So anyhoo...
I have never introduced any boyfriend to anyone that mattered.
Is that weird? I've been told it is. However. I'm not sure.
Actually I've only had 2 boyfriends...them other folk were just passing thru...though they thought...they mattered...the poor things...never stood a chance. I was actually wanting everyone to meet the last one-but that was a long distance thing-and turns out-it wasn't worth it anyways...oh well...his lost *mumbles bitch* ( : D No I'm not bitter actually I'm quite delighted w/the way things have turned out )
Anyhoo...so yeah back to "2nd chance"
We talked yesterday. I called. All geeked to ask him about The Classic.
Only to be shot D O W N *insert 3 sad & 1 pissed emoction*
So. He says. "Moms 60th birthday is that Thursday and I'm going up there (NJ) for the weekend. We're having a big party for her-Saturday." I was like "Oh. Um. Ok. That's fine." I was really thinking "gotdamn you AND yo mama!" He was like " You mad?" Me-"Me? Naw. Well Yeah. Kinda. But I'll get over it. No choice. Right? Unless...(yeah I'm in too deep) you come the weekend before...Labor day weekend." Him-"You know I'm going to MIA...remember???" Me-"Unh huh. Yes. I recall. Humph. Well so much for that. My friends are going to be disappointed. I don't even want to tell them. *sighs*" Him-"Well I can come another time. I didn't know. Don't penalize me. What do you want me to do?" Me-"Nothing. Good day."
****end conversation****

*sighs*
See. Self-"That's what you get for getting excited. Shame on you. You know better!"
How man?! How the fuck did I get here?! Not like Deborah Cox ...Get Here b/c I ain't got that far...but I'm a little further than I would prefer to be. Right now. On today.
This is real situation. Man.

The distance. SUX! So hard!
I think its making me think about him more. Or is it?
I would prefer us be in the same city.
So that I can know if my feelings are real.
See.
I don't just fa real talk to anyone else @ the moment b/c I don't even oblige 'Memphis boys' w/my time.
Awful? So. I no care. I no like them! Eww-no thanks!
So. If I were in St. Louis.
Where I kinda slick might have other boos...I could really see what's goings on! Fa real, Fa real!
Or.
Am I just making up shit to avoid the real...hmmm...Kinda sounds that way huh...prolly so. Yeah.
Though.
The distance really is becoming a problem for me.

Monday.
I kinda wanna see him.
Tuesday.
Maybe not so much.
Wednesday.
Let's have lunch.
Thursday.
Now I'm going nutz!
Friday-Sunday.
Ugh. Nevermind. Why even bother?!

Sidenote: Au contraire. I've been doing really well about expressing my feelings w/him b/c he's always like "you are so hard, but I know you wanna be free!" Uh. Sir. Shet up. Yudunno me! He's like "You can take off your cool w/me!" Lol-that always makes me laugh-he's so lame-->a good lame though.
Good enuff that I might consider kinda. A little bit. Taking Off My Cool.

So...yeah. I mean. Idunno. Can you tell I'm confused though? Prolly so. I'm babbling. I know.
That's how I talk when I'm out of my element. Either that or not @ all.
In this case I need a release.

Speaking of release this is SO off subject but not:
What in the hell is goings on with "J.O."?! He is on that BS! Its been a whole week and some change since...we...you know.
He stay talking bout. He ti'ed. He outta town. Or just "NO!"
Can we say BITCH?! Ugh! Man up nigga! Man up! Either you iz or you aint!
But don't be rationing yo shit out like I'm a gotdamn salvage!
See.
Here's his issue: This young man has fallen in love (or should I say lust).
Pity. Tuff. Boo hoo.
That's yo bad. Nigga. We had a verbal agreement up front. Now that you catching feelings from who knows where, b/c I ain't thrown a gotdamn thing. You wanna bitch UP. Well that's cool, BITCH! I would just prefer you be man enuff to say. "Hey. This has gotten out of hand. I am no longer going to be able to be involved on this level w/o this, that, and thus happening." In turn. I will be pissed but kindly say. "Thank you, kindly for your honesty. Your time & of course your outstanding effort! It has been most appreciated. We can remain friends. Good day & Be coo. Its been real!" But NOOOOOOO! This is his whining ass: "Man. I can't do this shit. Man. You are so heartless. Man. This shit is for the birds. Man. I need to leave you alone. Man. I think I'm falling for you. Man. I don't know what to do w/you. Man. Imma stop fucking w/yo ass b/c you only care about YOU!" Me-"MAN...or lack there of-shet yo bitch ass up! Get wit or get lost nigga! B/c all that other shit you talkin' is irrela!!!"

UGH! WHACK NIGGAS-Kill yoself!!!-->Ye's words, not mine...but I love em! Of course!

Then. I have this oh so persistent friend who is...uh...you know what...nevermind. I don't wanna. @ least not today. You have so much already. & I'm ti'ed! So...that's a wrap!

*sighs*
I am strongly considering joining a convent, becoming a monk, or running away...whicj sounds better to you???

Or maybe I'll be abstinent again and take yoga...a good exchange? No? Maybe?

*sighs*
Ah. Well. Until we blog again...

Be you!
The best you, you can be!
Why?
B/c you all you got!

P.O.B.

~Sdot Parks!