Wal-greens Peppermints!

This has been the most unstable summer I’ve ever experienced in my 24 years of living.

It’s been just short of awful. Though I try not to complain, it’s difficult to not think about my situation as it is vs. what I think it should be.

It’s hard to grasp that I am still in such a “dead” place, when all I want to do is live.

I just want to be.
Free. Independent. Self-sufficient. &. Happy.
I wonder if that’s too much to want.
I think not.
I think there is so much more to my life than even I can’t imagine.

I’m so nervous about this 25th birthday that’s rapidly approaching in just shy of 2 months.
That alone is lighting a serious fire under my tail.

True…things could be worse…but to me this is pretty bad.
I can’t think of worse…for me though (but that's not say I wanna see any worse...Lord Have Mercy!!!).

I’m happy summer is coming to a close, but I’m disappointed I’m still in place I promised myself I would be gone from by this time. Clearly God has other plans. Or maybe I’m not being very cooperative on my end. Whatever the case…I’m seriously on my shit from now until that fine day.

At this point I will go anywhere…do pretty much anything to get away from here.
I can’t really explain properly w/o sounding ungrateful or negative, how bad this sucks, or how miserable I am.

I know that I have a good life. I know that I am blessed. I know that I am rich.
If only my interpretation of success would align itself w/my current status…I might be okay.
If only I would appreciate more & complain less.
If only I would see now my life to come & subtract myself from the obvious…I might be okay.
All I can do is work harder. Stay focused & pray. That’s all I got.
Cus in a minute I’ll be in somebody’s mental institution.

I should probably go back to the library. Feed my mind. Organize my thoughts. Write more. Get a handle on the things I want, need, & must do in order to be where I need to be. There is a lot that I need to work on w/myself…so I guess while I have plenty of time…I’ll do me & eat my Walgreens peppermints…they & God & idiot-Karmen have helped me cope w/my Summertime Blues!

I know life ain’t always easy. I know this b/c mine has been far from such. I motivate myself by saying my future life has to be great b/c this current & past life has surely been a rough one…my strength amazes me sometimes…God amazes me all the time!

On that note…enjoy the rest of your summer & I’ll try to do the same.

BE. FREE.

~S. Parks