All of a Sudden

I feel like fighting & I'm not even a fighter.

I feel like screaming & I'm not even a screamer.

I feel like running & I'm not even a runner.

I feel like crying & I'm not even a crier.

I feel like sleeping & I'm not even a sleeper.

I feel like fighting & I'm not even a fighter.

I feel like calling & I don't even call…especially not you.

What's that about?

…maybe its b/c the sun is shining & the warmth reminds me of you…

…maybe its b/c I feel uneasy & I think you can make it alright…

…maybe its b/c I…I…I think I miss you (although I still struggle w/the missing concept, not sure I know how)

…maybe I just want some attention…from you?

Either way, it's odd that thoughts of you have crept in on a day like today, when I'm feeling the way I do.

~S. Parks

Liar, Liar…Foolish!

I swear I cannot stand a lying ass nigga! Sure women lie, children lie, hell I lie…but niggas…niggas are just LIARS! There's a difference & for the life of me I cannot understand why! As up front as I am, as real as I am, as straight-forward, as forth-coming, as honest…STILL niggas LIE! WHY?! Just WHY?!

This is me…"Hi my name is Shanette, I'm 24. I have a degree. I have a job…2 in fact. I was supposed to be a doctor but I'm thinking I wanna be a buyer or something really cool like that, kinda like Whitney on the The Hills! I don't have kids. I don't want kids (today…possibly ever). I STRONGLY dislike Memphis. I love God. I'm not a virgin. I like sex…like a LOT…NO you can't fuck me…no I don't have a bf & I'm okay w/that & naw I ain't lying…& no, nothing is wrong w/me…y'all (men) are just whack as hell & I ain't got time for the bullshit! Sure, you can have my number but I may not answer @ first b/c I'm not that good w/phone calls so I'll prolly call you back…eventually…but more than likely I'll text you. Oh yeah, I HATE voicemail…the END! Again, I forewarn you…I'm NO easy task…so…you may wanna re-consider…I'm just saying…" Okay maybe I don't say that verbatim BUT I do get most of that in there upon first meeting…that's a lot of information, but it's really just basic need-to-know…not too deep…just enough for you to know where I am in life & if you can work w/that…if I can work w/you…if you're even working w/something! All I expect in return is the same courtesy of an honest first meeting. ESPECIALLY if you are the one trying to holla…I mean I am really confused as to why niggas feel the need to lie to somebody they don't even know…I mean who am I for you to be lying to??? It's frustrating b/c they could get so much further…so much respect…so much more if they were just honest from jump. Say what you want…that doesn't mean you have to be demeaning about it by saying I just wanna fuck you…but that same phrase can be said in a more tactful way…b/c you never know the chick you checking for maybe just the girl to handle that…she could just want the same. Or she could want more…but you too damn concerned w/selling dreams & shit that you neglect the simple fact that honesty is indeed the best policy…why? B/c the truth ALWAYS comes out & WTF do you voluntarily want to live w/unnecessary lies anyways…weighing down on your conscious…maintaining double, triple, multiple lives based on lies…its insanity to me! Complete & utter INSANITY!

These are the reasons I can't hardly not deal w/niggas…makes my fucking head hurt & I don't like that shit…trying to figure out what is the truth & what is a lie…WHY?! You not even my man & you lying?! Is it just me or is that completely asinine?!

As much as I don't give a fuck about niggas & the dumb shit they be saying, the woman in me still wants to believe that for once @ least one will tell the truth…WRONG! Now I feel like a dumbass! I swear I feel like a fucking idiot…very foolish…why would this bitch introduce me to his friends, be ALL OVER me in public, and practically force me to get a key to his apartment (which I did NOT get)…to end up having a gf! WHY?! Is that not some crazy shit?! Now I feel like a fucking home wrecking low-life slut bitch b/c I'm fucking another girl's man! That's trifling & I don't like it…I don't like it @ all! I do NOT fuck other bitches' niggas…NO thanks! Then this nigga aint even worth it…cus the sex was pretty much WHACK!

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm disappointed in my own self!

Lesson learned ladies: Don't be a fool!

(5/19/08) Update: Uh…I'm still involved…I know right…slap me! I'm just so damn bored…I'm settling & I know that's awful but its true…what's even worse is that I know better yet I digress! I blame Memphis! L

…& these are the reasons I don't bother w/niggas & I'm abstinent more often than not…both factors fuck up my mental & I just can't have that…so Imma do better…boredom or not!

Update #2 (5/26/08): So...I finally asked if in fact he has a gf & he said "yeah, now what?" Now what?! Now what the fuck?! What do you mean, now what?! WTH?! Uh....now I don't even know...isn't that totally horrific?! *sighs* ...I'll be back...unfortunately!

Shamefully,

S. Parks

Love, Part III: “Wanna be loved”

Today's post is brought to you in part by Jilly from Philly a.k.a. Jill Scott, from her latest album The Real Thing: Words & Sounds, Vol. 3.

"I just wanna be loved, like everybody else does. I just wanna be loved!"

So I bought this album on its release date, late last year some time. Actually, I didn't even like it…well I thought it was just okay, but failed in comparison to her previous albums. In fact, I gave it to my sister and said, "I can't get into it…clearly she's @ different place in her life & I can't relate." So I listened a few more times & let it go. Then I went to see her last month when she came to town for 2 nights of straight up & down sanging! I'm talking about this woman is BAD okay! She sounds even better live than she does on wax! 2.5 hours of non-stop singing while standing….performing…her & her band! It was an awesome show! As I watched & listened, really listened to the lyrics, saw her emotion, heard her voice…I could relate. I could understand. I had been in that place. I had felt those feelings. I may have not expressed them in the same form but I could definitely relate to the pain & the pleasure. The lust & the laughter. The tears & the fears. The highs & lowest lows.

Love. The common denominator.

Today I listened to this song (btw-now I listen to this album ALL the time…its GREAT!) & I asked myself if I've ever felt Loved? I have felt it but I can't say for certain that it was real. It could have been lust or like or lust. I mean sure I know my family Loves me, but I'm speaking of the relationships we encounter…w/those who aren't of kin. I wonder how you can be certain that someone Loves you in spite of… how can you be certain that someone Loves you today as they did yesterday or will love you tomorrow as they do today…how can you be certain that its real? It's the feeling, right? It's a feeling deep down, inside, @ the core of your soul…I think…I don't think I've felt that kind of Love. I mean how do you know…how do you know when someone really loves you? When they can't start their day w/o seeing or being or talking w/you? When they include you in every aspect of their life? When they tap into your voicemails, text messages, and e-mail accounts? When they won't let you out of their sight in fear that you'll leave them? When they introduce you to their family insist on meeting yours? When they know how you feel w/o you telling them? When they finish your sentences? When they genuinely want nothing more than to see you happy? When they Love you in spite of…well…you! Are these signs of Love or lust or obsession or insanity or fear or boredom or like??? How can one be sure?!

Sure, I've been in Love & I must say @ its high it was the BEST feeling in the world. I literally felt like I was flying, as if I know what that feels like…high I guess! But man when that high came down…Lord have mercy…I felt lower than low. Umph! It's an inexplicable feeling…but I will say that if this is how an (drug) addict feels…or worse…I think I'd die! It's a pain that has no relief. No medicine. No timetable. No direction. No understanding. No sense! It's awful. I HATE it! For a long time I blamed Love for that pain, for that hurt. As I live, as I learn…I'm understanding Love. I'm still scared as hell of it, but I'm growing in it & befriending it. Love isn't easy, you can't just fuck her & she cums. You can't buy her. You can't bribe her. You can't leave her. You can't beat her. You can't outsmart her. You can't kill her. You live her. You breathe her. You work for her. You work w/her. You give her. You take her…w/you wherever. You respect her. You feed her. You eat her. She's sweet but she's NOT easy!

Do you know how to Love? I know, I know how to Love, but I don't think I know how to be Loved…in lies the dilemma.

But that's all I want is to be Loved…we all want that right?!

Even after I Love me, even after I Love you, I want to know that you Love ME too…sometimes…not today though…lol…I'm still a little terrified of the thought…in Love is cool but LOVE…nay, I'll pass!

This concludes my series on Love…I hope this sheds a little light on me & Love or just Love, or maybe you can in some way. Either way thanks for tuning in. I'm most appreciative!

L8R Lovelies! Have a SUPER fab week!

Oh & Happy Quarter-life to my more than a friend, Bunny!

Love lots!

XOXO,

LOML!/S. Parks

Love, Part II: " I just wanna be a size 4, damnit!"

Guess what…I Love myself…no like really, I LOVE Shanette R. Parks!
I like who I am…who I’m becoming. That’s major b/c not everyone can say that w/assurance though I have never really been that girl to hate herself...I have always been taught self-Love! I have always known I was specially crafted w/a higher purpose, one that even I can’t understand sometimes…but it is what it is & I accept that.

Though I must say I haven’t always been this confident. I have struggled w/body image, in fact I still struggle (hence the title...which I'll elaborate on l8r), but the difference is that now I Love ME: the good, the bad, & the FABULOUS [ ;) ]! You know that song “Flaws & All” by Bey…well initially I thought “WOW, how awesome is that to have someone Love you flaws & all?!” Then I discovered…who can Love me better than Me?! That's right...No One! We, esp. women must stop looking to others for the gratification, the inspiration, the happiness, the Love that is ultimately within! The importance of self-Love is that it empowers you. It convinces you of your authority. It motivates you to be the best you that you can be. It inspires you to inspire others...& be better contribution to the world!

Love is not one that boasts or brags in a cocky manner. It doesn’t have to do so…sure a little “damn I’m haute” doesn’t hurt. In fact, it can help. There was a time in my life when I felt really broken, spiritually & in case you didn’t know if your spirit is broken the rest of you is pretty much dead. Anyways, there was so much going on in my life…I was having school issues; I had lost every physical possession I ever owned; I had been shifted so abruptly; I had experienced major heartbreak. I ultimately felt alone. I felt misunderstood. I felt disappointed. I felt kind of hopeless. Now here’s something about me that may or may not come as a surprise I am an internalist (yes, I made that up), meaning I hold everything that bothers me inside. I’m just not a very open person in that regard, or @ least I wasn’t at that time. Even though I thought I was holding it in, it was showing on the outside…I was breaking out all over my body, my hair was falling out drastically, I was losing weight rather rapidly (the one thing I didn’t mind), I was sleeping a lot or not @ all, I was becoming quite anti-social (though not a far-fetch). I had to deal w/all these things & find some way to still Love myself…that is when I discovered the inside is what determines the outer. I know it seems quite cliché but seriously think about it…how many times have you met a person that you thought was utterly fab or haute & you anxiously await the moment you converse & when you do...what do you find?! Their attitude is way stank or they’re dumb as hell & you’re like “okay, all of a sudden you look like shit!” That’s what I mean if the inside is fucked up, well the outside is basically wasted! So I had to pull from w/in & it was @ what was seemingly my lowest point that the only person I could depend on was ME! I talked to God…I talked to myself…I talked to God & myself again. I found that people are people…flawed & you just can’t depend on people. It’s like investing…sometimes you gain sometimes you lose…& you have to learn to accept that & roll w/it & once you do you’ll find that, as the great Malcolm X said “…every defeat, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance next time.” Basically there is a life lesson in everything…well that it is if we use it as such. Lessons are preparations for future tests, yes? So, if we take it as such we will be smart enough to recognize the test & pass w/flying colors! That’s what I learned that ultimately I’m all I’ve got. As much as I HATE to admit it…I’m an adult. I’m a Christian. On the road to being a Woman & I have to start thinking and living as such! I had to re-program my thought process. I say re-… b/c even when I was young there was very little one could tell me about whom I was or who I would be, aside from my Mother…basically you couldn’t tell me NOTHING…you might hurt my feelings b/c I was as sensitive as a poodle (read a book) but after I shed a tear or told my Mommy, I got back on my shit & basically said “fuck you!”

That’s you gotta say to them h8ing ass bitches and niggas, b/c I don’t give a fuck who you are…there is someone who has or will h8 on you, precious, it’s inevitable…like death…so deal w/it…shit take it as a compliment…I do…means I’m doing something right! So I love it! “H8 on me H8ers!”…like Ye said, “h8er niggas marry h8er bitches & have h8er kids…so sometimes the shit is just innate & folk can’t help it…so you just got ‘scuse them precious & do what?! Do YOU! Be YOU! Love YOU! You might just find while you tryna be like other folk that they tryna be like yo ass…cus you cool & shit & didn’t even know…aint that some shit!





…okay, okay…so I’m not perfect (yet) & sometimes, well I all the time I write these posts for myself btw-if I offend you, in the process, I kinda don’t give a fuck b/c I was doing this for me anyways! …oh but back to my indiscretions…unfortunately I have my hang-ups as well (fucking tv & magazines & internet) & that’s mainly my weight…it’s the actual number I’m totally obsessed w/…the number on the scale…the number in my clothes…I know it doesn’t equate to happiness but for some reason I can’t shake the thought that being a size 4 will make me PERFECT! I know, I know…its insane & totally unattainable (perfection), but that’s just how my crazy brain works…in the mean time I wear my 8’s STRONG boo & looking oh-so-fab doing so, holla...picture me rollin (lmao)!

So Love you honey…cus if you don’t…well…you know the rest!

Goodnite, Lovelies...I leave you w/one of my fave quotes by an awesome man!

“If you have no confidence in self you are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence you have won even before you have started.” Marcus Garvey

Have a fab week!
♥,
Sdotter ALWAYS making it hauter!

Love, Part I

I think that there is a misconception about me & my view of Love.
I'm not anti-Love.
I'm just hard on Love, b/c Love is hard on me.
Love isn't a game. Its real. I take it seriously.
Sure the in Love aspect is fun & airy, but L-O-V-E ain't shit about it fun it is what it is & its tough to ME!!! That's why real Love, cost...& it ain't cheap! Its worth having. Its worth preserving. Its worth it...when its real.
Hence my current stance on Love may not be as light & care-free as the next girl who's in Love or ready to be in Love or falls in & out of Love @ random.

...that's just not ME...this is ME...

(btw-this is a 3-part series!)

I'm learning about love.
What it means.
How it feels.
What it does.
How it taste.
What it sees.
How it smells.
What it says.
How it dwells.

In the past couple of years, more so in the recent months, I have recognized the unconditional, unwavering, untainted Love of God. WOW! Its so amazing to me that His Love is so encompassing, of all the good, all the bad, all the ups, all the downs, all the sins & all the frowns. He still Loves us! Is that not amazing to you?

He blesses me even when I fuck up, even when I don't deserve it, when I disappoint him, when I lie, when I cheat, when I steal. When I don't do my part. When I neglect my share. When I don't tithe. When I don't pray. When I don't read. When I don't sit & stay...to hear what he has to say. When I don't recognize that it is b/c of him I am here...today! That's almost asinine to me...parents can stop Loving children...though that's hard to imagine its true...friends can stop Loving friends...spouses stop Loving each other...children stop Loving parents...siblings stop Loving each other...BUT God...the God we take for granted, the God we use & abuse...the God we mistreat & misuse...the God we put in a box...the God we call on when convenient...STILL Loves us! Does that right there not make you want to run outside & scream GLORY to the top of your lungs?! I'm not that big on screaming but maybe through this post, God will know how much I Love Him, how much I am learning about Him, how much I appreciate Him. How I just want to do better for Him.

I'm not perfect though I claim to be. I know my faults. I'm working on those. I know my wrongs. I'm righting those. But in the midst of it all...I am comforted in knowing that the God I serve Loves me no matter what & for that reason alone I can't NOT serve Him! He Loved me first & He'll Love me last-that right there is just...WOW!!!

Therefore Love is important, I can't imagine my life w/o God's Love...it in turn grants me His grace, His mercy, His strength, His power, His will, His plan, His purpose, His wisdom. Hence I am in love w/the idea of love...when Love can Love ME even when I don't Love it...WOW! I'm in awe! I'm in awe of God. Just think about it & I dare you not to get emotional, not to want to just do a little better than you're doing, if for nothing else than a sign of appreciation. Seriously, that's not just a love I want...that's a love I need...one in which I can't live w/o!

I'm sure most are familiar w/this scripture but I thought it befitting to include in today's post...so take this w/you...read it, re-read it, analyze it, break it down, apply it...to you & your situation, talk to God, discuss it w/him. Eat it (b/c it is food...for your soul). Live it. Breathe it!

1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have Love, it profits me nothing. 4 Love is patient, Love is kind and is not jealous; Love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part; 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. 11 When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13 But now faith, hope, Love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is Love. (1 Corinthians 13, New American Standard Bible)

Love Yourself folks, b/c if you don't...no one else will...& everyone wants to be loved...even ME!

Peace. Love. & Happiness!

XoXo,

S. Parks