Donna! Man DOWN!!!

I swear as soon as I get a laptop, I'm coming back strong guys, but until then, pardon my absence :)
I still ♥ my 5 readers, lol, no really I miss blogging & I have sooooo much blog about!!

Soon & very soon...

Until...don't leave me!

XoXo-
*SHANETTE RENEA*

Don't Call it a Comeback!

*in Wendy Williams voice* Where you been?!

I know, I know I've been mia for so long you probably thought I wouldn't return & I must admit I considered letting it go but then I remembered why I started the blog-to better my skills, to release some frustration & to entertain some people...so here I am back again, but don't call it a comeback!

So let's get it started...soooo much has happened...a whole season has passed & I must say to my dismay it's been a pretty good Summer! New Orleans for Essence. Jamaica wedding-not mine of course, but stay tuned-ha not really. Chicago, Il & Jackson Miss for family reunions! There has been a sour patch as of lately-my really good friend Karm moved to LA & it's been having me in the pits, but on the up side I have *insert drumrolls* a bf *& the crowd gasp*! Yes, yes, so I've been sort of busy in retrospect but not too busy that I couldn't blog-I've simply been too lazy to do so-which is quite out of character but hey it happens I suppose.

NOLA-

Essence was a total blast! My sister, Lynn & I road tripped along w/her cousin Bernard down to NOLA for about 4 days. Went to the shows Friday, well Saudia-my niece & I went to see Beyonce & friends...then Saturday my sister & her friends & myself went to see Maxwell & Anita Baker & friends...great nite. Hung out w/Nic & Madd a bit-she's so very grown btw-my #1! Ate my freaking life away! Shopped a smidge, drank a tad & just had all around oodles of fun! I was reluctant to leave-per usual but it had been so effing long since I'd been I was like wth was I thinking I must never go more than 9 months w/o a visit-that's just wrong! So anywho... ♥ NOLA!

Jamaica Mon-!

Oh gosh-can you imagine being drunk literally all day for like 6 days?! Insanity but the absolute best vacay ever in life! I mean really-liquor is in your rum, @ your disposal 24 hours a day! I lost like 5lbs pre-trip & literally gained all that back just in alcohol intake-fml!!! It was totally worth it though! I swear we were all drunk @ the wedding even-or hung over-lol! The ceremony was nice though, after much ado of course. The tourism attractions were fun. The shopping was great, the nightlife was poppin & the beach was serene...I swear I wake up sometimes just wanting a daiquiri & a _ _ _ _ _ & lay out on the beach all damn day...how sad but so sincere!

So yes if you haven't been to Jamaica I'd advise a trip, real soon & take me w/you-lol!

Let's see what else...

Oh reunions-

Both for my Mom's side of the family. The 1st was for her Mom's side & the 2nd for her Dad's side.

Chicago was nice but I have to go back to relly explore & shop & hang & shop & eat & shop some more, but it was great to see the fam once again-all was well- we lost the volleyball tournament, but they cheated-so typical-ghetto Chi-towners-lol! No really it was a blessed trip & I look forward to the next one in Detroit, MI-it's been a minute. Then we ventured to Jackson, MS-a looooong overdue reunion-like 20+ years...so basically I don't even recall another one! We had a really great time-getting to know everyone again & learning about our ancestors. We also ate good & hung out a bit. Good times, indeed. I'm so blessed I come from good stock, as country folk say. More so I'm blessed to have family & an gigantic family @ that...I realize that family is important as I go through life & I swear I would trade it for nothing in the world-as crazy as they are I ♥ my family!!!

KarmCharm moves to LA-

*deep sigh* I mean I knew she was leaving but I didn't know how much it would affect me. I actually thought it would encourage me to migrate but it did the total opposite. I became very lazy, sleepy & an alcoholic all in a matter of a week or 2, though she's only been gone a month it seems like so much longer. I'm just now starting to pull myself out of the funk & I'm not really sure what my problem is but I think I just feel stuck here...like my life in Memphis will never end & that literally depresses me! However, I can't let me current situation dictate my future-I must remember who I am & the purpose I serve or @ least the goals I've set & adhere to them, take back the control of my destiny & believe! It's time for me to apply to school so that is definitely going to force me to get it together-as I listen to "Get it Together" by Robin Thicke & Faith-I have so much to do in so little time-but good thing is I work best under pressure! Even getting back into the blog will ignite my fire! Though I would love to be in NYC right now-pursuing my fashion career-styling, buying, merchandising...I also know the shit doesn't just happen I have to make the provisions to get it done & honestly I haven't done the things I've needed to do to make move into the industry, but I'm working on it however I need my $$$ like NOW-so what does that mean?? It's time to go back to school & upon graduation-2014...I'm thinking I'll write a book by 2015. Open a boutique & start a shoe label by 2016...all before I'm 35-YAH YAH TRICK!!! Sounds like a plan to me!

I was also thinking when I'm done applying for PharmD, I could very well go to NYC from JAN-JUL & live it up before schooling it up for the next 4 years-it's a possibility...we'll see what happens! I'm remaining optimistic about the rest of '09! I've been blessed thus far, despite getting in my own damn way. God prevails-anyhow-so I figure I may as well step aside & let Him do His thang!

Last but not least-the bf-who shall remain called the bf until...we stop slick acting like Bey & Jay w/the extra discreetness-I'm just saying I don't need no extra drama-ugh!

A very pecular little transformation we made from associates-->friends-->lovers-->relationship status. I sometimes have a hard time believing how far we've come b/c it was so unexpected but I have found that things I'm looking for in the places I'm looking for them are not matching up & sometimes the things we think we want aren't all that important in restrospect. I'll just say I'm letting God control this one-I've tried to avoid it, deter it, sabotage it, & I swear I can't shake this one & I'm okay w/that, it appears to be good for me & I can use some goodness. We FIGHT hard & LOVE harder but we're strong in that we're growing & willing to make the effort & that's big-I think. He's good to me & I appreciate him for that...so whatever the reasoning we're together @ this moment in time may be a mystery but I'll take that as long we keep gettting better, individually & collectively. So anywho-cupid made a big ass fool outta my ass-the LoveH8r, ha...gotcha BITCH! We'll see how the days ahead unravel-I take them one day @ a time--pray for me ;)

Well I suppose that wraps today's post. I'll be in touch...sooner than l8r :-P

Until...remember Whose you are, & that @ the end of the day & the beginning-lol, you control your destiny!!!

Be. Great!

XoXo-

*SHANETTE RENEA*

*oh signing off w/a little inspiration from one of my fave people-Jay-Z @ the VMAs, w/my boo(no homo) repping for her mane (how you doin-j/p) in the audience-I ♥ them-individually & collectivelly!*

Out of Control.

Have you ever felt completely out of control?

Or.

Maybe you didn't even realize that you are not in control of you life?



I am definitely a control freak...not that I necessarily want to control other people but it's my own life I am obsessed with controlling. Right now I just don't feel in control...like I go to a job & they kinda control what I do...I live w/my family & they kinda controls what I do or don't...I'm involved in a rather stupid situation w/a man & as much I hate to admit...he controls just about everything that happens...when...where...how...etc. & I don't like it! Utter bitchassness!

Oh wait how could I forget my biggest issue-last but definitely not least...I'm so NOT in control of my weight, which is in direct result of not being in control of mind...see a lot of these things are mental & giving up your mental freedom is never a good thing, in fact is absolutely the worst thing you can ever do, I think. I just cannot believe I've gained like 15 lbs. It's absolutely awful, as if I need yet another problem, ugh!

Just look @ the Willie Lynch instructional guide for keeping a slave a slave...through the mind, while the mind is powerful is also dangerous...well b/c it's powerful. When you control a person's mind, you can make them do whatever, however & guess what that same mentality passes on from generation to generation...I know I've gone a bit off into the deep end but I'm just saying if you're in a situation where anyone other than Jesus controls you, you obviously have a problem!

People can't even control the stock market therefore I definitely don't want a simple-minded person controlling me! If I'm going to do some damage or some good I'd rather take all the credit myself. Now how do regain control of my life...well, do whatever I wanna do when I wanna do it, lol, no like I'm serious & if I don't have the means to do so, well then that means I need to get my damn shit together. You know who's a good example of a person who does what they want, when they want...Kanye West...love him or hate him (obviously I ♥ him!), he marches to his own drum, literally & I love it. I love when people don't just accept what's in front of them, when they probe & wonder how they can bring their own perspective into something. I think that's very hott in a man too. I like a challenging man b/c I am definitely a challenging woman (calling myself a woman is strange). I just like it when people don't allow me to dominate them b/c I can & will definitely try to do so! I do think b/c I am such a strong-minded, aggressive person that when I'm involved w/a man I sometimes quiet myself...particularly in sexual situations...I don't usually prefer to be in control-that was just a side note...completely off subject.

Anyways...the only man I want to be in control of my life right now is Jesus Christ. I swear if I could surrender myself totally & completely, things would be so much easier...yes I said it, b/c I know some folk wouldn't admit it, but I still have a vast amount of work to do when it comes to surrendering my entire self to the Lord! I thank Him for being patient, but I'm not going to take you for granted God, I'm coming on around!

Anywhoo...guys & gals...if you're feeling a bit out of control, blame it on the recession like everyone else, lol...I kid. Blame it on yourself but don't beat yourself up about it...it happens, just recognize that it's not okay & work on it & pray about it & keep it moving.

Hey maybe you can blame it on your location, like I do...stupid Memphis...I kid...kinda :)

Well have a productive, awesomely in control week folks...I'm blowing...

~S. Parks

Ready or Not, Here I Come...25!!!

Guess I'm ready cus if I ain't it's a coming anyhow!
LOL!
Well guess what I ain't hardly ready (of course I blame Memphis), but Imma roll like I am.
I swear I didn't see 25 looking like this, but then again I didn't see yesterday looking like that so hey who's to say anymore...
I do know this though, 25 is something serious & I'm done playing, its either now or never & I can't do never...so looks like its NOW!
Watch out bitches I'm coming...the TAKEOVER!!!
Pray for me!


Happy Birthday Scorpios!
Give it to em hard!!!

In the words of Frankie, "Tyra Mail! Picture Me Rolling! HOLLA!"
LMAO!


XoXo,

Shanette Renea, all day!
;)
"Yo swag owe my swag everything!"

The Word for YOU, on Today!

"Don't let the world ... squeeze you into its own mould." Romans 12:2 PHP

Take Charge of Your Life!

Do you feel like you no longer control your own life? Like life's running you instead of you running it? That's because you're in the passenger seat, conforming to people, events and circumstances. They're in the driver's seat, not you. No wonder your frustration level is high and your contentment level is low. "Don't let the world ... squeeze you into its own mould." If you're feeling, "squeezed," you've two options.

(a) Remain a conformer, or become a transformer. Either choose to stay in the passenger seat, or get behind the wheel. The Bible says, "Do not be conformed to this world" (Rom 12:2 NKJV). Instead be transformed into the proactive, faith-driven person God meant you to be. (b) Take charge of your life by "renewing your mind." Instead of struggling to change the people and circumstances around you, change how you think and what you tell yourself. The Greek word for renewing means "to align your thoughts with God's." Abandon those self-defeating thoughts that tell you "you're not, you can't, and you'll never be able to." God says: "You are, you can, and you certainly will be able to," because of His indwelling power! John writes, "This is the victory that conquers the world - our faith" (1Jn 5:4 NCV). Go to God's Word! Discover what He says about the things that intimidate and control you, then pull the plug on them. The Word for you today is: "Don't be afraid ... I am your God. I will make you strong ... I will support you" (Isa 41:10 NCV). Align your thoughts with God's thoughts. Get into the driver's seat and take charge of your life!

Call Me…

…when you get a chance.

I promise. I'll answer.

In fact I'm waiting.

Waiting all by myself?

Are you thinking of me the way I think of you?

Are you mad @ me the way I'm mad @ me?

Are you feeling me the way I'm feeling you?

I'm waiting.

Just say something.

Anything.

When will you call?

I'm w/o you.

Make it alright.

Make it right.

Call me.

Call me.

Call me…b/c I just can't call you.

~S. Parks

Its been a LONG time coming...

Taking a break from my trivial little self-absorbed life to pay homage & respect to those who have come before me. Those who toiled & struggled to make certain that the life I lead today is filled w/joy & happiness & ultimately freedom.

Think about that for a moment...can you imagine dedicating your entire existence to assure that not even you, maybe not even your children but the future children, maybe your great grands & their generation have a better life. Can you imagine that, that's like totally insane! No? You suffer. You fight. You die. All in the name of justice, freedom, equality...for the future!!! AMAZING! I can't even express in words how that affects my mind, my soul.

I mean I don't really like talking about all the different things that have happened to the black community, just b/c I can't really handle it w/o getting angry. I haven't really experienced blatant racism in my life, so I have little to compare anything to, but I think its important for young Black America to remain abreast of their history, not just to avoid repeating the past but for a clear sense of self. That knowledge can enable us to be a better people. To pattern those before us, to create a better future for ourselves and those to come. Its imperative. Its critical! Its life saving.

I have always thought about how I my life can be a vessel, a model, for my peers, for the younger generation. I would hate for the work of my immediate ancestors, grandparents, parents even to be a waste b/c I chose not to be to carry out their efforts. That is a huge fear of mine.

So...I try not get so full of myself. Which is why I took a trip to the National Civil Rights Museum this week. I learned SO much...I needed like a whole day though...so I will definitely return, maybe next Monday. It is truly amazing to know I come from such greatness. I don't think people understand that struggle=character=GREATNESS! Those people who sacrificed their lives for you & me, gave us definition, which is why we MUST read...to know who we are, where we come from, what we're capable of doing. Look @ how far God has brought us as a people...from being classified as less than a person to a presidential hopeful...WOW!!! AWESOME!!!

Here's a few pictures from the Museum (that I wasn't supposed to take, but I couldn't resist...so enjoy & be inspired!)...




"WHITE ONLY" (Backwards)


"3/5 of a Man"


Conversation between Mrs. Corretta Scott King & Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., 4/16/63, while he was in jail.






Malcolm the Great!!!


Sonia Sanchez on Bro. Malcolm.


They died for us to vote...so VOTE!!!


"Black Panther Party"


"The room, balcony where Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot & killed."


My sister & the kids reenacting the shooting scene.


"The Lorraine Motel/Natl Civil Rights Museum"


This lady has been boycotting the museum for like 8,000 days, literally! She believes MLK would've wanted it to be used for better purposes, like outreach, etc.

Educate Yourselves.

Happy Black History Month.

Its America's hiSTORY!

~S. Parks

Too Young to Go Steady

Today was long. Exhausting. A roller coaster.
My head hurts. I'm tired. My stomach hurts.

I just don't even know what to say anymore.
I'm so over this thing w/him I can't even talk to him anymore.
We don't talk anyways. We beef.
Can anyone tell me what happened?
Its me isn't it? I'm the bad guy right? Typical!
I don't even care anymore & that's NOT good, though according to him I never cared.
Maybe he's right. I don't even know anymore & I'm done trying to figure it out.

After this post there will be no more mentions of this...unless we strike gold & shit gets right...that's it on the "2nd Chance" postings.

So I'm going to give you a thorough insight into a recurring conversation we have re: "the relationship & sex"...feel free to chime in...then I'm going to give my personal prediction of what's to come & what I would like to happen & more importantly how I feel.

Here goes:

A synopsis of our l8est conversation, All-Star, post-confessional (read the previous post).

Him: Why is it so hard for you to commit to me?
Me: Its not personal.
Him: It has to be. You've commited b4 without cheating.
Me: That was different.
Him: So it is me?
Me: No. Its me.
Him: Excuses.
Me: Its the truth though. It is what it is & I am who I am.
Him: Well you're fucked up & this shit is for the birds.
Me: You're being unfair. I told you how I was upfront. I told you what I'm capable of, right now. The problem is you thought you could change that, but you neglected to understand this has nothing to do with anyone but me. These are my own issues & until I am ready to reconcile them this is how it will be. My mistake was I actually thought you could understand that & deal with it...that was my fault. I should've stuck w/my instinct.
Him: Which was?
Me: That you couldn't/can't handle me.
Him: You won't allow me!!!
Me: I've been more than compromising for YOU!
Him: Really?!
Me: Yes really, you asshole! The Shanette you met initially: the aggressive, mean, self-absorbed, stubborn, bitch has changed to accomodate YOU! Despite what you think, I STOPPED having sex for YOU! Actually, I didn't even want to have sex w/anyone else. I cut everyone off for YOU!
Him: Okay, Shanette, you just had sex! What are you talking about?! You are the one who wanted the open relationship, not me, YOU!
Me: True, but...
Him: But what? But, you're a fucking liar!
Me: Chill out.
Him: I hate when you do that! Demean me & my anger, like I don't have the right to be so.
Me: What I'm saying is this. I haven't been having sex, because I have only wanted you, but gotdamn how long do you think I'm just going to go w/o. You accuse me. You provoke me. WTF?! Am I supposed to do?! I have needs! You know how I am. No wait I forgot you shun me when I even mention sex. Like the shit is the worst fucking thing ever!!! So maybe you don't know...or you chose NOT to know!
Him: Here you go...so I'm the blame for you wanting to fuck other niggas.
Me: I just said I don't want to, but what I am supposed to do when you won't fuck me & there's no justification. Just some bullshit about, you not fucking me if I'm fucking other people, that's a problem for you. You treat me like I'm a hoe or slut or something. If I am such, wtf are you w/me?!
Him: Yes, I do have a problem w/that & that turns me off, no it pisses me off & it makes me look @ you differently in that capacity. Do you think I just don't want you?! That's crazy! I just want you to want me, completely. No one else. I don't want to think about who you've been with, and who knows you. I HATE that!!!
Me: So don't think about it. Trust me when I say its not like that. Its not about that. The open relationship is for my sanity. The mere thought of a relationship makes me want to vomit. You knew this, yet you insisted, persisted on forcing me into this...what did I do. I gave in...okay not completely but I made/making an effort. Can I get a little cred?! NOOOOOOOOOO All I get is drama & beef!
Him: Stop making me feel inadequate & maybe I could focus.
Me: Stop making it a fucking issue & maybe you could enjoy it! Its JUST sex!!! Jesus Christ! Get over it!
Him: How can I, if I know you want it ALL the time? & I'm not there to fulfill...!
Me: See what I'm saying...this conversation is SO fucking whack man...you have NO idea what I like & you don't care to know. I'm over this shit.
Him: I know you are b/c you don't care about us, no you don't care about ME! There is no us.
Me: Ugh! Whatever.
Him: My point exactly.

That's about the gist of it...everytime we discuss this...a WASTE of FUCKING TIME!!!


I have come to the conclusion that we are just incompatible sexually. Now here's the dilemma...@ 24 years of age I am not sure that I can accept that & be happy. Especially, w/him making me feel like I'm the problem. So...we have decisions to make...can he deal w/me & my issues w/commitment until I'm ready to commit & can I deal w/the lack of sexual chemistry until I figure out what is I'm going to do??? I figure I MUST really like him b/c I would NEVER debate re: a nigga. I just don't do such things. I either do or I don't. No in betweens. No back & forth. No months of debate & confusion. I can't explain to you or him how much I want this thing to work...that's why I'm still here & it hurts my feelings when he says I don't care, but of course that just pushes me away & I really act like I don't give a fuck. Its all an act though & he knows that...he just doesn't believe it...he doesn't believe that I like him, but I can't express how much I sincerely like the man! He's GREAT & if we can get past this man, I'm afraid of how hard I COULD fall...BUT (and this is a BIG but) I'm getting REALLY bored! When I get bored, I do dumb shit...like entertain WHACK niggas & waste time & $$$! NOT GOOD, I know.

Let me just say its not just the sex folks, or @ least not necessarily the act...its the feeling, the feeling that you're not wanted. I'm SO into myself & I know that's bad...but I swear I could literally get off on just the feeling of WANT...its the best feeling ever! I mean you feel invincible, SUPER confident, well @ least I do! Don't get me wrong I know I'm haute w/o the approval of others...its not the approval I seek...its the desire...that's what it is DESIRE! When someone desires you, there is passion...strong feelings, alomst uncontrollable. It makes me feel powerful & what's better than $ & sex combined??? P O W E R!!! Yep, read a history book if you don't believe me...naw just turn on the tv...its everywhere! So that's the thing...I don't feel the passion.

So...today...we decided to call it quits...yeah I'm sad but I'm relieved too. I don't want to hurt him & I was rapidly approaching that 'I don't give a damn mentality' which would def result in someone being hurt & that someone was NOT going to be me! He too, was getting frustrated w/me & the arguing & the lack of progression & the confusion. We couldn't find a resolution. So we gave in. We've succumb to the pressures. Maybe the release will give us some individual insight to make the 'us' thing work. Maybe I'll grow up. Maybe he'll be more understanding. Honestly I can't see myself giving this a 3rd go round...but hey you never know, I gave it a 2nd & that was out of character so...maybe...or maybe its just not meant...guess we'll never know huh...maybe...maybe...Next Lifetime???

Its been real.
I enjoyed the time spent.
I hope we remain friends.
Kevin will always have a special place in my heart...almost made it melt & for that I'm most appreciative & quite impressed! ;-)
REAL TALK!

XOXO
~Shanette *Cookie*

The Sweet Taste of Sin

GUESS WHO'S BIZZACK?!

i KNOW i KNOW!
iTS BEEN 4EVER!
SAWRY!
i don't have Top...he is gone & never coming back...new computer on the way (it has no name yet).

Anywhoo...a whole lotta nothing has been goings on since I last checked in.

Lets c here...biggest thing is "2nd Chance", I guess. He's still here...BARELY...or maybe its the other way around...maybe I'm the 1 who's hanging on by a thread! "I'm tired of you, Shanette." My thoughts..."bye then nigga, what's keeping u here?!" Ugh! I swear we have done a complete muthafucking 3hundred & sixty degrees, ya hear me?! I mean I don't know where the shit went wrong...oh wait...yes I do...the moment we started the "relationship talk" PROBLEM #1-55!!! I told y'all, him, them, me, us...that this would happen! As soon as u start talkiin that shit, what happens? Shit changes! Guess what happened...SHIT HAS CHANGED like a muthafucka!

I mean I'm just @ the point where I could give a fuck less...who wants 2 be in something 2 days & already be like "damn wtf happened 2 us?!" I know I don't, hell & I'm sure he doesn't either...no matter how GREAT I (THINK) I am!

So...our last encounter...All-Star-NOLA (I would give yall the scoop on all the happs but I was TOO fucking slizzy 2 recall anything worth mentioning...maybe the next post I'll come up w/something), which btw was a muthafucking blast bitches, sucks 2 be u if u weren't in the midst! So anyways.."2nd Chance" was there for 1 day, 1 damn day & we beefed the WHOLE time!!! WTF?! The shit was SO trivial I can he recollect enuff 2 give details! So...guess what I did...don't worry I'll wait...can't guess or u just don't wanna say...okay...I had sex...yep...w/someone else...lol...sounds funny said aloud but I know its trifling as the fuck...& what's so bad is...he ("2nd Chance") was in VERY close proximity (ooohweee I'm bad as a hell)! I mean I tried not to do it...but its like he was forcing me...provoking me...accusing me...so...I said "fuck it!" I'm like "bruh, u say I don't trust u, hell u clearly don't trust me, but I don't tell lies (hardly)!" He's right I don't trust him...not yet @ least...I don't hardly trust anyone (me included). I mean he has to earn trust, you know. I don't just go around giving the shit away to any nigga asking...it ain't free! Everything cost over here baybay! SHiiiT better get yo mind right, fuckin w/me! I do extraordinary things...I'm no ordinary girl!

"2nd Chance", I knew he wasn't ready. I'm just too much, even for myself, in every aspect...not that that's like what's haute or anything...that's just me & I accept that. HE wasn't ready & I knew that...I told him that in advance but he chose to believe otherwise & this is the result of such. Anyways, back to the sex...btw-it was pretty good (sawry can't tell who it was with but when I recap All-Star next post, I might throw in some details)...& "2nd Chance" knows about what happened...of course he went ballistic! Oh if u were wondering how he knows-he asked...so I told...I'm all about the honesty thing...plus we aren't in a closed relationship so...I mean wtf would he ask if he didn't want the gotdamn answer...what happened to the 'don't ask don't tell' policy he set forth when we started this shit?! He couldn't take it! He can't take it! Its all too much for him & all this DRAMA is too much for me! I'm SO over it! I mean aren't u over hearing about it??? I just can't commit w/the sex issue pending...See this is the thing if he was str8 up about what the problem is, if there is in fact a problem, then I would be okay but this lack of communication in that realm is driving me bananas!!!! I mean I'm forthright about all my dealings & feelings, for the most...he claims I'm "only honest when I either don't care about hurting someone's feelings (which is often) or when its convienent." That's prolly true...but so what?! What does that have to do w/this issue that we've been dancing around for the past 6 damn months?! NOTHING not a damn thing!

Maybe I'm making a big deal about nothing...but prolly not though...I mean what is the point of the bf if u cant have sex or @ least say hey "I'm abstinent"...I mean I could even deal w/that...I've been abstinent b4...its no biggie...I just have to get in that mindset but hell if u don't tell me, wtf am I supposed to think??? Either u don't wanna fuck me personally (which I HIGHly doubt...not to boast but damn if I don't brag...I'm sick w/it!), or u fucking somebody else (anything's possible), or u like the same sex (again anything's possible), or u have some issues I don't know about (hmmmm). Either way I'm no fuckin mind reader, so speak up nigga!!!

I know I know...
Say Goodnite 2 the BAdgUy...I'm outta this bitch!

After all that shit I was just talking...I still like u "2nd Chance" ;)

Seriously though...we gotta GIT & fast cus I'm getting that itch...to ditch! I can tell he's not gonna deal much longer either...so who's gonna crack 1st is the question???

XOXO,

Sdotter (Cookie)

I swear I'm totally absurd!

Ice Princess

Doesn’t every girl dream of being a "little princess" or @ least treated like one? Of course they do…and I am no exception…in fact in my mind I am a "little princess." So…yeah I’m a princess @ 24…a princess w/an “icebox where my heart used to be.”
Who’s fault is that? Could be the ex’s…could be Jack’s…could be my daddy…could be my own doing. I’m 24 though, so the blame game is a little cheesy!

First step: Recognition.
Second step: Admission.
I Recognize.
I Admit.

I’m an asshole…problem is…I don’t mind being an asshole. I’ve convinced myself that people are fickle. Flaky. They will hurt you @ some point. So I’m over it before it happens. Ironic b/c I’m the person whose always wanting the best for other people i.e. my friends & family…I never seem to hold myself in that same regard. Though my biggest want in life is to be happy. Seems to be that I am sabotaging any opportunities for happiness.

Why? Maybe I think I don’t deserve happiness. Maybe I think it doesn’t really exist. Maybe I don’t even know what it is. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy then returning to unhappiness. All these maybes. I don’t know. I do know that I need to GIT & fast before I definitely miss out on something great or ruin my chances for happiness!

I.E. “2nd Chance”

I’ve basically forced “2nd Chance” to be in an open relationship. He couldn’t understand why. Says he doesn’t want anyone else. He’s with who he wants. “Why would I pursue something so diligently to ultimately be w/someone insignificant or do something stupid to jeopardize my pursuit. Makes no sense.” Yeah he’s right & I knew that before I asked him…”are you still talking/seeing other people?” He was taken aback that I would even ask such things. He quickly realized the question wasn’t really about him it was about me. “I realized I’ve forced you into something that you’ve tried your hardest to run away from, but ultimately you made the decision to be w/me…if it's not what you want say so, don’t bullshit me.” “I want it. I do. Now. I just don’t think I can fully commit to you yet. I’m just not ready (I said that about 10x). I don’t want to lose you but I don’t want to hurt you either. I’m just not ready.” (He sighs) Well I appreciate your honesty, but you have to make a decision. I’ve made mine. This about you not us. You don’t trust me. I don’t know what else to do. There is nothing else for me to do, but what I’m doing. I want you Shanette that’s obvious but I’m not going to force you to be with me. Just say the word & I’m gone.” (Now I’m sighing) “No. I just need time.” Him-“well you have until the end of January. I guess this means we’re in an open relationship but I don’t wanna hear shit about what you do w/whomever. I don’t even wanna think about the shit. So you do whatever you need to do to make sure that doesn’t happen (that’s the least you can do). Come February I don’t wanna hear shit else about this. If you still aren’t ready…I’m done Shanette, seriously…no discussions.”

It sounds as bad as it was. I felt pretty bad but I mean I really want to be honest w/him about where I am & how I’m feeling.

Truth is I don’t even understand what I’m feeling. I’m talking to other guys who are like dogshit compared to “2nd Chance” so it's not really another guy. It's me. I’m the problem.

I’m just not ready…to…be…in love…again. The thought of it makes my head hurt…makes me wanna vomit actually. I’m not a very fearful person but I’m really afraid of that. & I know. I know. Things are headed that way & I’m just not ready.

So I occupy my time w/bullshit to mask the real shit. BUT. Reality is: I’m wasting my time. His time. Everybody’s time. Being a little punk. I don’t want to hurt him. Especially over some whack shit.

I really don’t know what my deal is…I’m such an asshole but to the wrong people…well to everyone but not everyone deserves that!

Some kinda way I’ve started to be nicer to people who don’t deserve & I shit on people who deserve my goodness. Don’t know what that’s about…

Imma do better though b/c I should…for my own sake (& “2nd Chance too).

Sidebar: Is it not weird that he keeps giving me chances??? Does that not some suspect to you??? Like why would he allot me more time to make a decision when his whole reasoning for not talking to me that time was b/c he didn’t have any more time to waste on me? I’m probably over-analyzing as usual. I know. But I just think that’s kinda odd…but maybe that’s just me! I mean I know I’d be like “my nigga please” if he hit me w/that shit! Poor “2nd Chance” I don’t even think he really knows WTH he’s getting himself into!

~Shanette

“Basically I’m complicated. I have a hard time taking the easy way…I wouldn’t call it schizophrenia but I’ll be @ least 2 people today!” Gnarls Barkley

I've sucCUMb...

...to the pressures that be.

Damn me.

I'm just so over the conversation.

TO be or not to be.

He says I'd never come around.

He says I'd never just say..."hey, today. Today's the day. I want to be..."

So I needed the pressure?

Maybe.

Yeah. No. I would not have ever said such.

So I guess...he's right...I think...

Either way here I am...here we are.

Being...together.

Guess we'll see what happens.

Until the happenings...do whatever...makes you happy...unless of course the pressures...make you better.

~Shanette