You can STILL be who you wish you is-SATC 2 edition!

Lord, if you're listening & I know you are, here in lies my dream job...to be a wardrobe designer...for a movie, a runway show, a video even, regular folk, rich folk, poor folk...I want it all! Literally! I want to write books, own a boutique, start a magazine, back an accessories line, design a shoe line & run a non-profit!!! Yes! I want it all!!! All in FABulosity!!!

As I'm sure all of you know, SATC 2 (Sex & the City 2), is on it's way to the theatres...ask me if I can wait?! I feel like I can't but of course I will & clearly I am...I mean I have no choice! In the meantime, I'm reading every news article, watching every tv appearance, perusing every on-line photo, in anticipation for the BIG day!!! It will indeed be a big todo, we're (my chicas & I) are grabbing cocktails & hitting the theatre in a snazzy getup & making it a night!!! Guess WHAT!!! My look is together *the crowd gasp in pleased shock* Well, at least I think I do :) actually as I typed that I had a vision of something else to compliment it, but I probably won't make a fuss, so it's done! I'm going to see the midnight showing tonight and the "girls night soiree" tomorrow @ 6:30! Have I mentioned that I can hardly wait *bites nails-before I get my manicure this evening*!

You know I was watching the episodes, last night, (Season 6) & I just realized how much Carrie has not changed...in loving herself. I admire a lot of things about Carrie Bradshaw, but what I love is her unconditional love for herself! Men have come & gone, spats w/friends, job changes, etc...but all in all, Carrie never stops loving herself. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a simple & silently confident way that's unoffensive, yet inspiring. In & out of relationships, she remains true to who she is, as an individual. I respect that! We can all take note of that, as we go through life. It's okay, in fact it's healthy, to make adjustments to one's appearance & even attitude. It's okay to take in constructive criticism & even harsh critiques, but at the end and the beginning of the day, you are already you, so be that person & be the best at it that you can be! For example, Carrie gives up smoking for Aidan, no easy task I'm sure, especially for Carrie, who lived with a cig in hand...BUT is the definition of Carrie, a smoker, I doubt it. Hence, giving up a small habit for a potentially, special person, that ultimately benefits self, isn't such a bad deal...maybe a little inconvenient but not wrong! Granted, sometimes there is a grey area & the line becomes a little unclear, but that's when you have to know yourself!
Who are YOU? With no make-up on, no fancy duds, no blackberry/i-phone, no botox, no implants, no weight gain/loss, no parents, no children, no right & no wrong...who are you on the inside...let's all hope that we're someone to remember, not so much for what we did but for who we were while doing it!

Do you remember when Ms. Bradshaw said this:
"…relationships. There are those that open you up to something new & exotic, those that are old & familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, & those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging & significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

Well, I won't include the preview for the new movie, b/c personally I'm sick of watching it-I'm just ready for the real thing!

This is a SN but a very important one:
You can't even begin to love someone else without loving yourself first and how do you love yourself, even on days you feel and look like crap-you remember that God loves you at your best and your worst! Why?! He made you-DUH! Therefore he knows who & whose you are! He also knows your destiny, so I'd advise you to trust him! It is impossible to love others unless you know, believe and receive God's love. 1 John 4:19 says, We love because he first loved us.

Have a FABulous day & enjoy the movie girls (& guys-I do know a few)!!!

XoXo-

SRJP

Packing em on for Pleasure!

I think sex is making me fat!!! BITCH!
You know like wide & thick & shit...YUCK!!!

I swear I refuse to be fat but gotdamn @ the cost of no sex?!
The gift & the curse!!!

DILEMMA!!!

Again, I blame Memphis, lol!

Pray for me!

Cross My Mind

Have I done this one already???
Well, you were just running cross my mind, again.
Too bad I don’t like you enough to call, text, nor e-mail…but if you only knew…you were just running cross my mind…
Ah.
I miss you.
What we were.
How you were…before...w/me, in me…
In my bed, indirectly in my head…you lived in my head.
In my thoughts you lie still & strong…present, yet so wrong…
…but if this is wrong I don’t want to be…
To be right, it felt.
So right, every time you came near.
Igniting my soul afire w/your presence right here.
If only I could find that same passion…outside of you.
In him.
Yeah…I was just thinking about you…wondering if I were near you again…what I would do?
Nah.
Not after all this time.
Could you?
Can you?
Still…ignite me?
You did know me so well…you really had me…w/just your presence…
W/just your touch.
W/just your kiss.
…your feel…
…your coming…back…to me???
Now that’s NUTZ!
Too bad I don’t like you enough to call, text, nor e-mail…
I do miss you though…the you before you.
I just remember what we used to do…
How amazing!

~S. Parks

Feel Me?!

When a girl grows up…she realizes what she likes…what she wants…what she needs…
To be honest...I really like affection.
I miss intimacy.
I like it when sweet things are said to me when I least suspect it.
I want to blush b/c of some lame compliment given to me.
I need to feel again.
I want to like someone enough to hold their hand in public.
I miss wanting to talk to someone all the time.
I want to fall asleep on his couch & wake up in his bed.
I like to go fast.
I want to go slow.
I need to feel again.
I like to be liked.
I want to miss someone even when they aren’t gone.
I need to be touched.
I like wanting more.
I want to feel needed again.
I need to feel again.
I’m not always cold.
I like being warm.
I just miss liking someone enough to let them melt that ice away.
I don’t want to think about it…I just like…I just want…I just need…a kiss.



~Shanette Renea

Lines

Friends.
Friends w/Benefits.
Fuck Friends (you know I'm crass...deal w/it!).

Definition.
Precision.
Clarity.

These help me keep a certain mindset...to maintain stability…to be less confused & more in control…two things that can literally drive me insane…being confused & out of control! Whooo lawd! I can't hardly even much take it!

Unfortunately MEN! Don’t need all this…but then they wonder why they’ve mislead a person or why someone is cutting their nuts off (btw-I loathe Jesse Jackson)!

I don’t play games!
I’m very honest.
I’m really real.

So…I hope for the same in return. This is to the benefit of all parties involved. Unfortunately I appear more so intimidating than accommodating.

If we start out as just friends & grow into more…that’s fine but trust me were probably going to discuss it several times before things really go there…just for the sake of not losing a friendship.
If we start out talking as people getting to know each other…& it progresses into intimacy…that’s fine too as long as we understand what that means & how that changes things.
If we start out just fucking…not a problem…but it can’t go (@ least not w/me) from just fucking to just friends or lovers or whatever.
We have to have these boundaries b/c clearly folk can't hardly control themselves & their emotions.

Pause: do boys know that girls like sex too? Like a lot? No like really…a LOT! Sometimes, we too prefer string-less sex, or sometimes we want to go there but are fearful of how we may be perceived (the latter doesn’t apply to me though) etc. We still want to be pursued & respected & treated like a lady but there is a manner in which you approach a woman strictly on a physical level. (Actually, guys think physically first…unlike women who usually think sincerely about the possibility of a relationship.) When you want to just pursue a physical relationship w/a person…for whatever reason…maybe you’re involved, or maybe you just don’t have time or maybe that’s just really all you want from the person either way honesty is the BEST policy. Be straight up about your situation, but do it w/tact & charm, don’t scare the person. Make her feel comfortable & sexy, b/c basically you want her in a sexual capacity right…let her know what you’re offering but again do it tactfully & I guarantee if she has even the slightest thought she will comply w/your request.
I mean...I'm just saying...but hey who am I?

Play: I go into situations w/men fully prepared…b/c I can’t afford to be mislead or confused or hurt or disillusioned b/c he likes to play games…I just don’t have time for the bullshit & I’m not cool w/looking like a fool…I’m just not that girl.
Therefore I can’t hardly take it…these dealings w/men! Seriously, they make my stomach hurt. They are more (these days) wishy-washy than women & its not cute. Boys are so dumb I swear to god. The time they take fucking people over they could’ve fucked twice that many people. I swear HONESTY! The biggest (right after $ & smelling nice) turn-on! Maybe it’s just me but when a man is upfront w/me I’m instantly attracted to him & I never like anyone-so that says a lot! Here’s the catch though I don’t hardly be believing what folk say-lol! Catch-22? Yep.

Anyways I’m just saying I don’t operate well w/abruptivity (yes I made that up). I like to discuss things. I like clear & open air. I like to be aware of moves & shifts in situations & feelings b/c I just don’t deal well when I’ve been mislead or confused (I know I keep saying that), intentionally.

Basically niggas need to grow the fuck up. Nobody has time for these whack ass games y’all play. Like seriously!
Get a life!

"I do what I do & you do what you can do about it!" ~Weezy F. Baby, The Carter iii

~Sdot

Screw Summer

How come folk so extra horny in the summertime?

Or is it just me…naw couldn't be (I'm always like that…so that's nothing new).

Is that weird?

I mean its already hot, right…so why you wanna go & be like so extra hot???

Shit I guess since you're already hot & shit, may as well sweat it out for a good cause, huh!

Idk. I'm asking a general question…I can give my own personal answer but I'm something like a nymph so I'll bite my tongue…

I find myself talking about sex more & Love less during the season of 100 degree temperatures…maybe it's the clothes or lack there of that has everyone "LUSTING!" (lol, insert my Robin, who hails from none other than Memphis, TN, of ANTM season 1 voice- my sister knows her btw)

Well this summer has actually been the exception…I've discussed Love a LOT more than usual…a lot more than I'd prefer actually & a lot more than I'm comfortable with @ the present.

Maybe that's why my summer has been far short of fuck-filled action…hmmmm…interesting…

Anyways however this post has virtually nothing to do w/Love…so let's get back to the SEX (insert claps & roars of excitement)!

Having a very candid & explicit conversation w/my friend today, the topic of women's complexities arose. I was telling her that someone I've been more/less engaging in sexual activities w/has asked if I would have 3some w/him…then proceeded to tell me how he wants to take me to a swinger's club or whatever…I'm assuming 2 different instances he wants this to take place w/in. Anyways, she asked if I'd o it & I really didn't answer str8 up, b/c I've learned that as soon as I say "hell to the naw, I'd never do that ish!" What happens? I end up doing just that + some! So this is what I told her "Women. Maybe not all but most…will pretty much go there w/the right guy & the right situation! (If they haven't already perused the idea a time or two) I mean I'm just saying, let's be real ladies. Let that nigga spit something real tempting in your ear @ the right time, & see what happens…I mean...not that I just know or whatever…I'm just saying…that's my theory ;)

Women are pleasers by nature...hence we always want to make others happy, even if it doesn't necessarily fit into our realm of what happiness is.

Think about it…or not…whichever you prefer.

I find it incredibly fascinating in 2008, to find that people are still really taboo about sexual topics & not really as skilled as the media portrays. I think that's cool though…I guess. I'm pretty open myself…not open like "hey everybody comes/cums in." Open like I'm comfortable w/my sexuality & I like sex, period. I mean to me sex is just sex, when it's just sex…if you can understand that. Well let me attempt to explain w/o confusing you AND myself. I mean when you, well let me speak for myself…I understand sex, right? Well I think so. I understand that it's powerful. I understand that its fun. I understand that it's good. I even understand that it's sacred. I understand that it's not always simple. More importantly I understand its risks (on various levels) But not everyone thinks the way I think, right? Right. So…sex to me has become less of a big deal than say 5 years ago when I was a V, don't get me wrong I'm very cautious & I'm not just fucking everybody who passes…that's GROSS & I'm far too "the BOMB…TICK TICK" to allow such things!

What I am saying though is this: when, actually before I engage in the act, I have a fully diagramed conversation w/myself, b/c I recognize that I'm only in control of me. Hence, sex has no power over me, which ultimately renders the person I engage in the act w/powerless as well. UNLESS, I opt to forego that prerogative…UNLESS I say, hey "this is more than just sex to me right now…this is sacred & we're experiencing something profound here together, right?" Though often times, I'm not that into it…it really is just sex to me. I'm a very detached person…therefore I can completely veil my feelings (which some might argue is more often than not) when need be…though sometimes I have a hard time recognizing when to unveil, but that's another issue. Thing is I rarely engage in the act so freely w/whomever b/c like I said not everyone thinks like I think (AND I hardly like anybody!). I know men put up this big front (or do they) like they can have sex & that be that…but I've found that not to be the case, often times they are the ones stalking me. Okay maybe not stalking but getting more or less far more involved emotionally then me. Guess that goes back to the theory of me being a man disguised as a wo-man…well maybe so…or maybe I just don't give a fuck…"either way we fucking, either way!"-$ Mike (that's SO damn funny to me!) No. Really, I have to make sure I'm on the same accord w/my counterpart otherwise ain't shit happening…I hate to ruin or mislead or confuse feelings/relationships just b/c things got a little heated (& I liked it)…that doesn't mean my feelings for you have changed any…b/c I recognize (in adavance) that if they have, it's just the haze, the aftermath, the side effects of SEX, a very dangerous drug might I add, that I'll awake from in the morning!

GOOD NITE & GOOD MORNING BIATCH!

Until we meet again...

…buss 1 for me, lol!

Btw-I like Plies & he could prolly get it…as long as he does NOT call me his mf-ing buss it baby! Uh. No thanks. I have a DEGREE nigga! Act like you knew!

Oooh SCANDY*!

HAPPY SUMMER BEEEACH (isn't that clever how I spelled "bitch" like BEACH-btw I need a serious vacay that includes some beach action (& maybe fucking-WHA? I'm just saying...I have needs too!)!

~S. Parks

*scandalous-for you dorks out there ;-)

Too Young to Go Steady

Today was long. Exhausting. A roller coaster.
My head hurts. I'm tired. My stomach hurts.

I just don't even know what to say anymore.
I'm so over this thing w/him I can't even talk to him anymore.
We don't talk anyways. We beef.
Can anyone tell me what happened?
Its me isn't it? I'm the bad guy right? Typical!
I don't even care anymore & that's NOT good, though according to him I never cared.
Maybe he's right. I don't even know anymore & I'm done trying to figure it out.

After this post there will be no more mentions of this...unless we strike gold & shit gets right...that's it on the "2nd Chance" postings.

So I'm going to give you a thorough insight into a recurring conversation we have re: "the relationship & sex"...feel free to chime in...then I'm going to give my personal prediction of what's to come & what I would like to happen & more importantly how I feel.

Here goes:

A synopsis of our l8est conversation, All-Star, post-confessional (read the previous post).

Him: Why is it so hard for you to commit to me?
Me: Its not personal.
Him: It has to be. You've commited b4 without cheating.
Me: That was different.
Him: So it is me?
Me: No. Its me.
Him: Excuses.
Me: Its the truth though. It is what it is & I am who I am.
Him: Well you're fucked up & this shit is for the birds.
Me: You're being unfair. I told you how I was upfront. I told you what I'm capable of, right now. The problem is you thought you could change that, but you neglected to understand this has nothing to do with anyone but me. These are my own issues & until I am ready to reconcile them this is how it will be. My mistake was I actually thought you could understand that & deal with it...that was my fault. I should've stuck w/my instinct.
Him: Which was?
Me: That you couldn't/can't handle me.
Him: You won't allow me!!!
Me: I've been more than compromising for YOU!
Him: Really?!
Me: Yes really, you asshole! The Shanette you met initially: the aggressive, mean, self-absorbed, stubborn, bitch has changed to accomodate YOU! Despite what you think, I STOPPED having sex for YOU! Actually, I didn't even want to have sex w/anyone else. I cut everyone off for YOU!
Him: Okay, Shanette, you just had sex! What are you talking about?! You are the one who wanted the open relationship, not me, YOU!
Me: True, but...
Him: But what? But, you're a fucking liar!
Me: Chill out.
Him: I hate when you do that! Demean me & my anger, like I don't have the right to be so.
Me: What I'm saying is this. I haven't been having sex, because I have only wanted you, but gotdamn how long do you think I'm just going to go w/o. You accuse me. You provoke me. WTF?! Am I supposed to do?! I have needs! You know how I am. No wait I forgot you shun me when I even mention sex. Like the shit is the worst fucking thing ever!!! So maybe you don't know...or you chose NOT to know!
Him: Here you go...so I'm the blame for you wanting to fuck other niggas.
Me: I just said I don't want to, but what I am supposed to do when you won't fuck me & there's no justification. Just some bullshit about, you not fucking me if I'm fucking other people, that's a problem for you. You treat me like I'm a hoe or slut or something. If I am such, wtf are you w/me?!
Him: Yes, I do have a problem w/that & that turns me off, no it pisses me off & it makes me look @ you differently in that capacity. Do you think I just don't want you?! That's crazy! I just want you to want me, completely. No one else. I don't want to think about who you've been with, and who knows you. I HATE that!!!
Me: So don't think about it. Trust me when I say its not like that. Its not about that. The open relationship is for my sanity. The mere thought of a relationship makes me want to vomit. You knew this, yet you insisted, persisted on forcing me into this...what did I do. I gave in...okay not completely but I made/making an effort. Can I get a little cred?! NOOOOOOOOOO All I get is drama & beef!
Him: Stop making me feel inadequate & maybe I could focus.
Me: Stop making it a fucking issue & maybe you could enjoy it! Its JUST sex!!! Jesus Christ! Get over it!
Him: How can I, if I know you want it ALL the time? & I'm not there to fulfill...!
Me: See what I'm saying...this conversation is SO fucking whack man...you have NO idea what I like & you don't care to know. I'm over this shit.
Him: I know you are b/c you don't care about us, no you don't care about ME! There is no us.
Me: Ugh! Whatever.
Him: My point exactly.

That's about the gist of it...everytime we discuss this...a WASTE of FUCKING TIME!!!


I have come to the conclusion that we are just incompatible sexually. Now here's the dilemma...@ 24 years of age I am not sure that I can accept that & be happy. Especially, w/him making me feel like I'm the problem. So...we have decisions to make...can he deal w/me & my issues w/commitment until I'm ready to commit & can I deal w/the lack of sexual chemistry until I figure out what is I'm going to do??? I figure I MUST really like him b/c I would NEVER debate re: a nigga. I just don't do such things. I either do or I don't. No in betweens. No back & forth. No months of debate & confusion. I can't explain to you or him how much I want this thing to work...that's why I'm still here & it hurts my feelings when he says I don't care, but of course that just pushes me away & I really act like I don't give a fuck. Its all an act though & he knows that...he just doesn't believe it...he doesn't believe that I like him, but I can't express how much I sincerely like the man! He's GREAT & if we can get past this man, I'm afraid of how hard I COULD fall...BUT (and this is a BIG but) I'm getting REALLY bored! When I get bored, I do dumb shit...like entertain WHACK niggas & waste time & $$$! NOT GOOD, I know.

Let me just say its not just the sex folks, or @ least not necessarily the act...its the feeling, the feeling that you're not wanted. I'm SO into myself & I know that's bad...but I swear I could literally get off on just the feeling of WANT...its the best feeling ever! I mean you feel invincible, SUPER confident, well @ least I do! Don't get me wrong I know I'm haute w/o the approval of others...its not the approval I seek...its the desire...that's what it is DESIRE! When someone desires you, there is passion...strong feelings, alomst uncontrollable. It makes me feel powerful & what's better than $ & sex combined??? P O W E R!!! Yep, read a history book if you don't believe me...naw just turn on the tv...its everywhere! So that's the thing...I don't feel the passion.

So...today...we decided to call it quits...yeah I'm sad but I'm relieved too. I don't want to hurt him & I was rapidly approaching that 'I don't give a damn mentality' which would def result in someone being hurt & that someone was NOT going to be me! He too, was getting frustrated w/me & the arguing & the lack of progression & the confusion. We couldn't find a resolution. So we gave in. We've succumb to the pressures. Maybe the release will give us some individual insight to make the 'us' thing work. Maybe I'll grow up. Maybe he'll be more understanding. Honestly I can't see myself giving this a 3rd go round...but hey you never know, I gave it a 2nd & that was out of character so...maybe...or maybe its just not meant...guess we'll never know huh...maybe...maybe...Next Lifetime???

Its been real.
I enjoyed the time spent.
I hope we remain friends.
Kevin will always have a special place in my heart...almost made it melt & for that I'm most appreciative & quite impressed! ;-)
REAL TALK!

XOXO
~Shanette *Cookie*

The Sweet Taste of Sin

GUESS WHO'S BIZZACK?!

i KNOW i KNOW!
iTS BEEN 4EVER!
SAWRY!
i don't have Top...he is gone & never coming back...new computer on the way (it has no name yet).

Anywhoo...a whole lotta nothing has been goings on since I last checked in.

Lets c here...biggest thing is "2nd Chance", I guess. He's still here...BARELY...or maybe its the other way around...maybe I'm the 1 who's hanging on by a thread! "I'm tired of you, Shanette." My thoughts..."bye then nigga, what's keeping u here?!" Ugh! I swear we have done a complete muthafucking 3hundred & sixty degrees, ya hear me?! I mean I don't know where the shit went wrong...oh wait...yes I do...the moment we started the "relationship talk" PROBLEM #1-55!!! I told y'all, him, them, me, us...that this would happen! As soon as u start talkiin that shit, what happens? Shit changes! Guess what happened...SHIT HAS CHANGED like a muthafucka!

I mean I'm just @ the point where I could give a fuck less...who wants 2 be in something 2 days & already be like "damn wtf happened 2 us?!" I know I don't, hell & I'm sure he doesn't either...no matter how GREAT I (THINK) I am!

So...our last encounter...All-Star-NOLA (I would give yall the scoop on all the happs but I was TOO fucking slizzy 2 recall anything worth mentioning...maybe the next post I'll come up w/something), which btw was a muthafucking blast bitches, sucks 2 be u if u weren't in the midst! So anyways.."2nd Chance" was there for 1 day, 1 damn day & we beefed the WHOLE time!!! WTF?! The shit was SO trivial I can he recollect enuff 2 give details! So...guess what I did...don't worry I'll wait...can't guess or u just don't wanna say...okay...I had sex...yep...w/someone else...lol...sounds funny said aloud but I know its trifling as the fuck...& what's so bad is...he ("2nd Chance") was in VERY close proximity (ooohweee I'm bad as a hell)! I mean I tried not to do it...but its like he was forcing me...provoking me...accusing me...so...I said "fuck it!" I'm like "bruh, u say I don't trust u, hell u clearly don't trust me, but I don't tell lies (hardly)!" He's right I don't trust him...not yet @ least...I don't hardly trust anyone (me included). I mean he has to earn trust, you know. I don't just go around giving the shit away to any nigga asking...it ain't free! Everything cost over here baybay! SHiiiT better get yo mind right, fuckin w/me! I do extraordinary things...I'm no ordinary girl!

"2nd Chance", I knew he wasn't ready. I'm just too much, even for myself, in every aspect...not that that's like what's haute or anything...that's just me & I accept that. HE wasn't ready & I knew that...I told him that in advance but he chose to believe otherwise & this is the result of such. Anyways, back to the sex...btw-it was pretty good (sawry can't tell who it was with but when I recap All-Star next post, I might throw in some details)...& "2nd Chance" knows about what happened...of course he went ballistic! Oh if u were wondering how he knows-he asked...so I told...I'm all about the honesty thing...plus we aren't in a closed relationship so...I mean wtf would he ask if he didn't want the gotdamn answer...what happened to the 'don't ask don't tell' policy he set forth when we started this shit?! He couldn't take it! He can't take it! Its all too much for him & all this DRAMA is too much for me! I'm SO over it! I mean aren't u over hearing about it??? I just can't commit w/the sex issue pending...See this is the thing if he was str8 up about what the problem is, if there is in fact a problem, then I would be okay but this lack of communication in that realm is driving me bananas!!!! I mean I'm forthright about all my dealings & feelings, for the most...he claims I'm "only honest when I either don't care about hurting someone's feelings (which is often) or when its convienent." That's prolly true...but so what?! What does that have to do w/this issue that we've been dancing around for the past 6 damn months?! NOTHING not a damn thing!

Maybe I'm making a big deal about nothing...but prolly not though...I mean what is the point of the bf if u cant have sex or @ least say hey "I'm abstinent"...I mean I could even deal w/that...I've been abstinent b4...its no biggie...I just have to get in that mindset but hell if u don't tell me, wtf am I supposed to think??? Either u don't wanna fuck me personally (which I HIGHly doubt...not to boast but damn if I don't brag...I'm sick w/it!), or u fucking somebody else (anything's possible), or u like the same sex (again anything's possible), or u have some issues I don't know about (hmmmm). Either way I'm no fuckin mind reader, so speak up nigga!!!

I know I know...
Say Goodnite 2 the BAdgUy...I'm outta this bitch!

After all that shit I was just talking...I still like u "2nd Chance" ;)

Seriously though...we gotta GIT & fast cus I'm getting that itch...to ditch! I can tell he's not gonna deal much longer either...so who's gonna crack 1st is the question???

XOXO,

Sdotter (Cookie)

I swear I'm totally absurd!

ME & S E X...

...told you we have issues!!!

I have NO idea what I'm doing w/a boyfriend. No idea what I'm doing w/a boyfriend who is not as sexual as I am. No idea why I got involved knowing this information in advance. I'm not satisfied & that sucks!

I'm not like the neediest person...but when it comes to sex...I mean I gotta have it...when I want it or else I'm a serious pain!

& I know we live in different cities but...I need attention! SEXUAL ATTENTION! Naw I need a Sexual Eruption, like Snoop...I should've included that video...but I didn't b/c that would be a post strictly about "2nd Chance" & this is not...hence the Me & Sex title!

I included Falsetto b/c it reminds me of someone...& its not "2nd Chance". The lyrics are funny...this girl talks a lot of shit (ME) to this seemingly whack nigga (Nameless) like, "nigga please u can't fuck w/me...I'm like the best thing since JC!" Well time comes it goes D O W N! ...in a falsetto! How come don't nobody never make me falsetto...make me soprano...alto...anything!!! I have made a conscious effort to be more open in terms of ego stroking, noise making, & dirty talking b/c I know turning me on is no easy task...so I fig if I help the process along...that might help me...but actually it distracts I get so caught up in what I'm saying & how I'm sounding that I lose focus on the task & start to lose the arousal...NOT good! Just once (okay...once...AGAIN) I would like for someone to really make me S C R E A M to the top of my lungs in painful pleasure (yeah I'm into that)!

I swear, aside from Bunny (the only person who really understands me)...I'm the horniest person I know...& actually that's not that cool...why? Cus who can keep up??? This dirt bag can't even comply, accommodate, alter...NOTHING! Let alone keep UP! I feel like a sucka & I aint no fucking sucka!
Decisions will be made...I hate to make in this type mindset but what other choice do I have...February's rapidly approaching as is All-Star in NOLA & I'm getting hornier by they second! Trying not to call on those I've vexed into the sea of forgetfulness...but times are getting tuff. Either Imma do something bad or do NOTHING @ all...either way...somebody loses...I'd just hate for the loser to be ME cus I'm a winner, like Kells (remember that song...from TP2...that album was filled w/'fuck me' songs!)!
Only problem is I'm not sure if either choice=a win...

Anyways...I'm blowing...& not in the way I wish...POB!

The Dream - Falsetto


~The Girl Who's NEVER NOT H O R N Y!!!

Listen Up-the 1st of '08 & its a good 1!

So Far to Go
Common
Finding Forever


(d'angelo)
i wanna get closer to you baby
oooh...
you have come so far, you've got so far to go
you have come so far, you've got so far to go...

(common)
sweetheart, you know that you the most
important, at least on the west coast, ha
i'm just trippin', there's something 'bout you though
you think different and understand how i flow
got cribs on both coasts
but i'm a chicago getter
you get down, but you ain't a gold digger
you got the soul with the figure to match
your girlfriend said "yo that dude is a catch,
creative with the gifts plus he hit it from the back"
in places we ain't supposed to
we makin' music baby, you on the vocals
international lover, i never stay local
go to places that you've never been
beautiful outside, even better when it's in
you have arrived girl, you can come again
come on

(chorus - d'angelo)
you have come so far, you've got so far to go
say it again
you have come so far, you've got so far to go...
hoo... yeah...

(common)
you sexy, i know brothers try to spit to you
but i'm the only one that could get to you<--reminds me of "2nd Chance"
liftin' you, my drive is shiftin' you
i opened your freak, it's like a gift in you
i truly and thickly am thankful
long as i'm in your town i'ma stay faithful
ha, you know i can't escape you
no matter how far, you're still my star
you was there when the Marks tried to steal my car
snappin' with me, that's just how real you are
sophisticated woman, you understand a man
you don't call all the time just to see where i am
put a g in your hand, make sure you're livin' all right
makin' love is me and i'ma give it all night
turn over in the mornin', make it warmer and better
long as we can be, we can come together
come on

(chorus - d'angelo)
you have come so far, you've got so far to go
i don't believe you heard me baby,
you have come so far, you've got so far to go...

go on, go on baby
go on, go on girl
go on, go on
go on baby, go on baby
go on baby, go on baby
go on...

you have come so far, you've got so far to go
know what i mean baby?
you have come so far, you've got so far to go...

you have come so far, you've got so far to go
you have come so far, you've got so far to go...

I ♥ this album!!!

Enjoy!

~Sdot

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Oh the Holidays...they bring such a roller coaster of emotions & frankly I wanna get OFF! This is NOT what's hott off in these streets man. I just can't deal! I mean realized the other day...that "2nd chance" & I have cancelled out all the goodness we experienced initially b/c we've been so DOWN for like the past 2 months or so! Its amazing how if I go back & read the blog from several months ago hell it'll seem like I'm talkin about a totally diff guy! I mean in essence he is still the same...but somewhere along the way we experience a bump and now the traction is all OFF! I'm really tryna hang on man...but uh...I'm getting frustrated...w/myself...& that is UNACCEPTABLE!

So...here's the lastest...I texted him pre-STL...wait! You don't know what happened b4 that huh? Damn! I sho don't feel like telling you either! BASICALLY...we talked right b4 my b-day & the conversation was like so crazy to me. We discussed why I didn't want to be in a relationship (seriously b/c I don't wanna!) in depth ( he thinks its solely b/c the sex is bad...well...that's a BIG factor) & he talked about how he has issues w/me having sex w/other people (I don't...anymore...nt b/c of him...just cus). I was like "HUH?!" He was like yeah, so "that makes things awkward for me when we're together...in the sexual capacity." Is that not crazy??? I'm like "you have sex w/other girls right"...he's like "yeah"...I'm like "OHHHHHHKAY! WTH?!" He's like "they don't matter...you do." I'm like "my nigga please...you sounding extra crazy...absurd even." He's like "I just feel like you're the aggressor in that area, which is unusual. Is it not? (literally pauses, as if I was supposed to answer) SO, I feel pressured (he stole my phrase...such the thief!) to be...before we even knew each other well enough" I'm like man, "whatever..." Sounds like excuses & straight bullshit to me! So that was that...we didn't talk anymore until my b-day...he texted me some whack ass text..."Happy Birthday, Cookie. I want you...still." Me-->Blah. No reply. So anywhoo...since then we haven't chatted that much until...I texted him pre-Thanksgiving & I asked what he was doing for the holiday he replied "Jersey" I no replied...I mean what was the point...that was all I needed to know. You can't do shit for me in Jersey!

Now here's where the drama unfolds...I go out & guess who I see...yeah you guessed it...I see him! >:-O <--that's me shocked, appalled & PISSED! I made my presence known...he was surprised to see me...he tried to come over...I gave the COLDEST shoulder ever in life (as Bets would say cue the Rick James "She was cold as ice!")...lol...he was like "Uh. Okay. What's your problem?" I'm such a little girl...sometimes & I'm extra stubborn...I didn't say 1 word. I swear you would've thought he was talking to the air b/c he got no eye contact, no movement, no sound...nothing! He walked away. Texted me..."you are such a fucking jerk & I strongly dislike you when you do stupid ass shit like that. & If you disrespect me like that again...we will have a problem." Me-->Blah. No reply. Next day...I see him out during the day (what are the odds?!)...I skidaddle b4 making eye contact...or so I thought...he texted me...Iunno what it said...I no reply again...yes I'm an asshole & I don't mind. Anywhoo...next night...Out again...this time in a state of inebrieation (NOT good)...I approach this time leanin & shit...fly no less. My nigga was like "Get outta my face Shanette!" So here's a secret about me: I'm SUPER sensitive...always been that way so my feelings are hurt rather easily...though I rarely show it...when I'm in my right mind...well on Henn & shit...I was NOT in my right mind! I kinda clicked out. Oh lawd. Now we have a scene goings on here...not really but in his mind it was a scene (besides I'm not a scene making type girl...Imma drama queen but I'm NO fool!). His friends were like "bruh take her home." Lol! I was like "naw I'm good, I'm leaving how I came." So I went back to my respective area and he texted a few minutes l8r like "let me take you home & make you feel better!" Me-->Hmmmm, wonder what that means...I'm intrigued! So...yeah basically we left together.

Now here comes the SHOCKER...I know you not ready but ack like you are...the sex...was freaking AWESOME!!! OMGosh! I just kept thinking (lol) "is this 4real or am I dreaming?! No wait! Who are you?!" Woolawdie it was "WOW!" Man I was just so thoroughly amazed! I was SUPER excited! Then I was like..."Wait, no. Don't get excited! What if this is like a 1 time thing...like why all of a sudden is it just SO spectacular!?!" (Yeah I think too much...can't help it!) So I'm kinda figuring it was a combination of him being intoxicated & us fighting. All this fighting may have acted as an aphrodisiac.
What you think???
So here's the good. The bad. & the ugly.
Good: I know he can fuck (sorry to be so crass...but that's what I was thinking).
Bad: I don't know why after all this time and the undeniably BAD sex episodes, what made the sex GREAT...hence I can't repeat...meaning I don't know what ingredients are need to make certain that happens EVERY time!
Ugly: The sex was good enough to make me crazy. Like be one of those "dick will make you slap somebody" chick(courtesy of Lexy Tylor...she's the crazy truff...gotta love her!) all obsessed w/their bf (yeah I said "bf"...SO!). & yes that's ugly...b/c I aint NEVER EVER been that chick & don't NEVER wanna be THAT chick...so thought of it makes me nervous!
Its the combination of things...His extra fly look+His charming personality+His BIG ass bank account+His turning out to be 'bomb ass' dick=So Gone, like Monica! YIKERS!!! SCARY!!!

Me no no what to do now!
I'm afraid...very afraid!
Umph. We'll see what happens.
Oh oh oh...here's a 4 sure sign I'm trippin...after he took me back to my destination...I texted him like 5 minutes l8r to tell him how much I thoroughly enjoyed myself...I have NEVER in all my life done such a thing! If you know me or know the blog you know that I don't usually talk to a person after I have sex w/them for @ least 12-48 hrs...its just something I do...not purposely or anything. I just don't be wanting to talk...whether it was good or bad...doesn't matter...just some weird shit I do! (I'm not weird...just misunderstood!)

So yeah man...Iunno. Iun jus no.
I do know I'm impressed...NOT @ all an easy task. NOT @ ALL!!!
Got me daydreaming & shit...lol...I'm embarrassed.
I won't even tell my friends what has happened yet...scared I might slip up & say some crazy shit...like I'm doing right now...okay yeah I'm out...

L8R homes!

~Sdotter

I've GOT IT!

I figured it out...well not really figured it out...I just found a comparison to my sexual experience w/ "2nd Chance"...the episodes of SATC when Carrie is dating Berger. They are like SO in sync...until...they have SEX...& it sux!!! Well that is us!!!

I was tryna find a youtube vid of Carrie & Berger but I can't seem to find it so...just watch an episode...btw I'm still waiting on that SATC collection...Christmas is coming up!!!

I don't know what to say or do about "2nd chance" anymore...this is getting bananas. We are getting worse by the encounter. *sighs* I'll try again...since it seems to be that I'm an asshole yet again.

Blah!

~S. Parks

Dear Kitty Kat,

Why so blue???
Do you really have to ask???
I know. I know. I kinda miss it too.
Kinda?
Okay. Okay. You're right! I'm really a horny fool!
Thought so.
Well what should we do???
WE??? No! YOU! Should stop ackin like we cool! GIT! FAST!!!
Okay! Okay! Sheesh!

~Sdotter the Scorpio

A Social Experiment

So the yesterday I mentioned pretending...its this new thing I'm trying out.
Is it a crime? You be the judge.

Why?
Cus Moe said I am too tuff right. I never give anybody a chance (boys).
I deserve to be treated well by "no-chance" guys if they're willing. Freebies...gifts, food, trips, stuff<--I like stuff! Though I've just never been that kinda gal-the take stuff from guys that Iun hardly no jus cus. Think I have too much pride or something. Or that just doesn't interest me. But I'm tyring it out...and so far...I must say its going pretty good...not the stuff thing but just the "pretending" in general. Btw-I salute all you hoes (in the nicest way) who can deal w/bullshit niggas to get what you want! You bitches (in the nicest way) should get a medal or some shit...I'll look into that for you.

What?
Pretending is well...everything I'm not. I've always been a real straight up & down type-gal. What you see is what you get. Kinda harsh? Well that's me. SO if you can't deal...by all means don't. Most can't. SO I understand. It ain't easy but its worth it! :D So the idea here is to put all that aside when it comes to boys. Try @ least to not be such a "Meany." I'm really not that bad though. I just don't hardly like nobody & I have a tuff time being fake.

How?
Well. Pretend like I'm interested. Pretend like I care (cus I do NOT). Pretend to be engaged. Just pretend like I'm actually into the person you know...

Who?
SO I've been trying it out on not only new boys but current boys, past boys (the ones I can stand), & even "friend" boys.

I mean everyone wants to feel well...wanted, right? I know I like that "I want" you feeling. SO...I'm sure these boys don't mind @ all. Well...until I don't follow through on majority of the "pretends"...but I try to avoid those @ all cost (running outta stuff though). A lot of the things I've been doing with & for boys I would never do! I mean its kinda cool b/c I'm learning what I really can & can't tolerate. What I like & don't like. That I actually am moving on past "the ex". I'm being more open to new things. Being pleasant isn't so bad. I guess I have to keep in mind though...that this is just all in fun...I hope. I don't wanna hurt anyone...well actually I don't mind hurting them...I just don't want them to hurt ME! I just like to play...I'm still a kid in a grown-up's body...doing grown folk shit when its convenient ; )

So here's to wanting & being wanted...though I don't think Sade meant it in this kinda way...

Until we blog again...

CHEERS Pretenders & all you real hoes-HA!

~Sdotter

In the Worst Kinda Way.

Today's post is brought to you in part by Erykah Badu's I Want You from her last release Worldwide Underground. BTW-Ms. Badu, WHERE ARE YOU?! You're long overdue for a new release! HURRY! HURRY! We're gettin impatient!

Anywhoo...back to the topic.

I was thinking today on my way home from work, btw-work on Sundays is for SUCKAS! I swear I needs to do BETTA!!!
So yeah. Driving. Listening. Thinking. Wondering. If I have ever wanted someone in the worst kinda way...hmmm???
I mean that's some SERIOUS wanting. Like I don't be believing folk when they be like I want you SO bad...
I mean yeah I'm confident. A little arrogant...well no vain maybe. But I still be like "man, get outta here w/that mess! Ain't nobody believin you roun here! Sell that dream to the next dodo"

I guess b/c for 1: I thought that kinda want wasn't possible.
Like when I was a kid.
I wantED:
A sega.
A Barbie Dollhouse.
A puppy.
A horse.
To move back to St. Louis
Now.
I WANT:
A new job real bad.
Some new jeans.
Lots of money.
My transcript.
Sex on demand.
Oooh oooh I REALLY want a Range Rover!!!

Some of these things I've gotten & some I'll get but even if I didn't/don't I'm aight b/c I don't want any of those in the worst kinda way...oh wait maybe there is 1 thing...I want to GTFO of Memphis like SO bad!!! But I still don't think its in the worst kinda way. That to me means like I want it SO bad I feel like Imma die. I want it SO bad...its literally ALL I think of. I want it SO bad...by any means necessary Imma get it. Like that there. Is a fa REAL WANT! (Wait. Maybe. I DO! Wanna get outta Memphis that bad! Gosh! This place is AWFUL!)
Think I might've reached that point.
Well no wait. Not Imma die. More like...Idunno...feel like Imma be sick. Maybe.


Shocked?!
Yeah. Me too.
Scared! More than anything though.

"2nd chance"
I like literally can't control my thoughts.
And I NEED control!
I want to NOT like him SO bad!
Weird? I know.
Its just that...I'm not ready.
Not mentally.
Though. I want him more than anyone I've ever wanted...even this one guy in NOLA-TU-football-"What yo name iz?!SHAWTY"...lol!
That was a sexual want though. I think this is more.
I want him. Yet I've experienced the sexual...and as you know...its NOT what it is...hence I'm confused.
If its not the sex I want. What is it???
Iunno. Iunjusno. I'm afraid to even fig it out!

I do know. When I see him. I want him like its my first time seeing him. Like I forgot the sex is awful. Like nothing else matters. Like no one else is around. Like I'm not even me...
...I'm someone else pretending to be me who looks, like me, dresses like me, acks like me, but doesn't quite feel like me.
But I like it...not enuff to give in...yet.
But just enuff to be really nervous!

I SO wanna NOT like him!

Someone said you can't jus stop liking someone.
I was like "UGH, WHAT?! Yeah you can!"
My Mommy always told me I could do anything I want as long as I put my mind to it!
So...I think I might...do just that...I'll let you know how that goes...or not.

If I don't that means...it didn't go well...if I do...it went okay???
Not really...but you know....wait didn't I try this once already...oh Lawd...think I'm STILL just...uh...being In too Deep! Maybe my friend was right...???
*sighs* Jesus Lawd on High...HELP ME HELP ME PLEASE!!!

My mind's playin tricks on me!

Until we blog again...

I'm blowing
&
praying
&
hoping
&
wishing!

Getting it Togetha

~Sdot

Listen UP!

So...you guys recall how I was telling you "J.O." was tuhrippin! Well he finally man'ed up and told me he couldn't cut it...it was either hisself or me. I guess. He fig he needed himself more. HUMPH! I was a little po'ed yet amused...weird I know! But hey...what could I do @ this point?! Nothing! SO...I said "I respect your honesty; I appreciate your time (btw-he sent me off w/a stellar performance-think he did that shit on purpose-BITCH!); I wish you the best in all your future endeavors...Good day and good riddance." So...needless to say I have no one to fornicate with @ the moment *sighs*...Iunno. Iunjusno what Imma do...be (involuntarily) abstinent again. I guess. *sighs*
DAYUM! I hate MEMPHIS & Memphis boys! YUCK!!!
Its prolly for the best--not really but it seems like the appropriate thing to say...

Anywhoo..I know this is the Listen Up post...and today's song is Comeback by ya girl, KelsRow from the Miss Kelly album-a pretty good look btw-I mean for her that is. So the reason behind today's post is nothing short of me tooting my own horn but w/validity.

No more than 24 hrs. later "J.O." texts/im's me "What are you doing?" Me: "WHAT AM I DOING??? Huh bruh?! Thought I was cut off?! J.O., Get ya shit together homie! Fa Real!" Actually I ignored his ass! Fuck you nigga! You were doing better when you were rationing...but its cool I always knew you couldn't resist...most can't errbody comeback when they realize they've had the best-I mean that in all sincerity.

However! I'm shutting that shit D O W N!!! This is NOT "Comeback Central" I've already discussed this shit! In case you missed that post. Here's my stance on the 'Comeback Syndrome'...It's NOT haute to be in/out folk lives like you just what it is. Now don't get me wrong "J.O." has that OOOH WEEE! But. Yeah. No. All WHACK NIGGAS...FALL BACK...and this song's for YOU...THANKS! BITCHES!!! HAHA!!! ...and I ♥ it!
Wonder if he'll make contact again...hmmm...what you think?
Yeah. Me too! LOL! Umph!
Okay. Enuff of that.
Lemme get to the song...
Comeback. Kelly Rowland. Miss Kelly.
Enjoy...


[Chorus:]
I got that comeback
That hubba bubba
I got the run back
Run back and tell you mother
I throw the RA-RA
on them put it all the way down
I got a lifetime warranty
Guaranteed
You'll never leave

[verse 1:]
Warning
Beware, handle with care
If you're lucky
There's a chance you'll make it there
This is serious
Girls like me is so rare

One's that put that on him, put that on him
Put that, put that, put that on him

[verse 2:]
Now I know what I'm doing
Whatchu gon' do with this?
I'll let you catch a feeling
With just a little bit
Don't wanna rush into it
And catch a sugar fit

Once I put that on him, put that on him
Put that, put that, put that on him

[chorus:]
I got that comeback
The hubba bubba
I got the run back
Run back and tell you mother
I throw the RA-RA
on them put it all the way down
I got a lifetime warranty
Guaranteed
You'll never leave

[verse 3:]
Caution
Keep away from open flames
Cause it's hot hot hot
Fire marshals can't contain it
You'll need rehab
Cus this thing is so addictive

When you put that on her
Put that on her,
Put that, put that, put that on her


[verse 4:]
Now having lines with pleasure
You're now too close behind
I won't give you directions
You better read the signs
I'll reach my destination
You better fall in line

Once I put that on him, put that on him
Put that, put that, put that on him

[chorus:]
I got that comeback
The hubba bubba
I got the run back
Run back and tell you mother
I throw the RA-RA
on them put it all the way down
I got a lifetime warranty
Guaranteed
You'll never leave

[bridge:]
Don't ask me questions of what
you thinking what I'm 'bout to do
Don't get all clingy on me
after i'm finished with you
I'll let you taste this honey
But you better have a clue
Or I ain't coming back to you

[chorus:]
I got that comeback
The hubba bubba
I got the run back
Run back and tell you mother
I throw the RA-RA
on them put it go all the way down
I got a lifetime warranty
Guaranteed
You'll never leave

[finale:]
consider this a round trip
You can go away now, but you gonna return
consider this a round trip
You can go away now, but you gonna return
Return to me

Once I put that on him
Put that, put that, put that on him

Hey!

How amazin'

This post in brought to you in part by Sister. Jill Scott's Beautifully Human: Words & Sounds, Vol. 2

In St. Louis. Over the weekend. I saw. "2nd Chance." *blushing* (In response to your question. "WOW! You really like him. Huh?") Yes. I do.
However this post. Unfortunately is not about him. For the most part.
Peep the scene...
We hug. I sniff. (insert Jill Scott's sniffing sounds from Beautifully Human: Words & Sounds, Vol. 1). I smell. Sean John's Unforgivable. I think of the ex. I'm confused. He ("2nd Chance") usu wears Prada Prada Amber Pour Homme.

I bought Unforgivable. For the ex. Oh! NO!
I think. I feel. I reminisce.
Love. Lust. Sex. Passion. Bliss.
What we used to do. How we used to be.
I'm lost. In the smell. In the moment.
I'm lost. In the feeling. In the past.
I'm lost. In the smell. In the goodness.

"Oh no! Snap out of it! Wrong person! Don't do it!" I didn't. I remained calm. Luckily the visit was brief. I made it thru. Did not. Call. Text. IM. E-mail. The ex. Good job. Sdot!

I asked. "Why the change in fragrance?" He replies. "You don't like it?" Me. "Well no, its not that. I just like Prada. On you." Him. "Okay I'll make note." Me. "(under my breath)Asshole." *smiles*

So. On the way back. To Memphis. I could not. Stop. Thinking about him (don't tell him that. thanks). Yeah I know (in response to you thinking...that's not good). But it went no further than thinking. At least they were good thoughts. : D So. this song came to mind.

"Cross My Mind"
by Jill Scott.

I was just thinking about you.
Wonderin' if you wear the wear the same cologne?
Smelled good on you.
Had the next boyfriend of mine try that same kind.
But it stunk on him though.

You know what they say.
Everything ain't for everybody.
But I tried anyway.
You sure did smell good.

Hey, eh, yeah.
You just runnin' cross my mind.
You just runnin' cross my mind.
You just runnin' cross my mind.
You just runnin' cross my mind.

You had that masculine thing down.
Shoulders, back straight, never slumpin', never round.
It would turn me on just to see you walk.
Into a room, across a room, out of a room.
You really impressed me.

Hey, ey, yeah.
You just runnin' cross my mind.
You just runnin' cross my mind.
You just runnin' cross my mind
You just runnin' cross my mind.

I know if I pick up this phone.
Write this letter, send this two way.
I know I'm gonna say some things.
I know you gonna say some things.
That we both don't need to say.

Like, how amazin', how amazin'.
When you would spread my limbs cross continents.
Bumped my bed way over mountains and ya.
Kiss this and this and this and this.
And this and this and this and this.
And this and this and this and that, hey.
Show eash other where climax was at.

You're just runnin' across my mind.
Across my mind.
You're just runnin' across my mind.
You're just runnin', hey.

I was just thinking about you.
And wonderin' what you doin'?
I mean what you've been up to?
I know its wrong feeling so strong.
Let me take a second minute.
I will think this thing through.

I was just thinking about you.
And wonderin' what you doin'?
I mean what you've been up to?
I know its wrong feling so strong.
Let me take a second minute.
I will think this thing through.

Remember all the moments for two.
How we used to, ooh, yeah.
But the reality, honestly.
You were never good for me.
And I was never good for you.
I just remember what we used to do.


Ahhh. This song. Is so. Was so. Us.
Damn you (the ex). For being so amazin'.
Damn you ("2nd chance"). For not.

*sighs*

POB!

The Weekend Wrap-Up...S dot style

lol...seems like every time I do one of these 'wrap-ups' it's centered around "2nd chance"...NO! Its just that I have NO life in Memphis...outside of work...hence he's been the only exciting thing outside of my routine to 'weekend blog' about...aside from my #1s (Adam and Maddie Mo), whom I ♥ SO much!!! They bring me joy, and they don't even know it...how amazing is that?! I'd give them the world if I could...trust...I'm working on it...they're like my babies, esp. since I'm not having any. I plan to SUPER spoil them w/love, gifts, and anything their little hearts desire...okay that's enuff about them, b/c I could talk about them forEVER!

So Friday, got an early am text : D from "SUPER Second Chance"...lol...saying he'd be in town for the weekend...so clear the calendar...gladly! Um we had lunch Friday. We hooked up that evening-late...just kinda played around for awhile. Aight of course! (insert dramatic music) I wanted to get physical-duh...its what I do! I mean seriously. He's a great guy and I'm super attracted to him, like I really like him..so its only natural that I would want to do that right? I mean I think so...but maybe that's just me.
So...this is really kinda embarrassing. We had sex and again it was like so bad...no seriously it was awful. Okay. The first time was the worst(refer to previous posts...ie..."Too Good to be True")...then it got worse...and this time it was bad. So I guess we're making progress...huh?! Please hold-while I jump for joy!
I mean I have never been so confused in all my life. I really don't know what to do, and its kinda annoying me. So despite my inital rxn...I stayed until the early am...I'm trying to cut back on my nigga-like characteristics....give her hand! Thank yous all around! : )

We chilled Saturday evening, that was fun. Lol-Its so weird...how he's like literally 2 different people in and outside of the bedroom. Its like his confidence goes WAY down! Okay so Saturday we didn't really do much worth telling you w/o me feeling like a lame...so here's something that I thought was so absolutely adorable! Okay so I'm a firm believer in its the little things that really matter...you know. I had to work @ BR on Saturday, and upon arrival one of my associates said "hey I met your boyfriend yesterday, he's a really cool guy." You should have seen my damn face...I was like "ERRR??? I have not a clue what you're talking about. I don't have a boyfriend, and I'm not even really dating anyone...well not anyone that would be so bold as to come in the store and say such things!" My associate was (lol) like "uh, well, you are Shanette, right...I mean he didn't seem like he was joking, he mentioned you and how you're always working." I was like "hell everybody knows that, that's common knowledge!" So needless to say I was stomped for nearly an hour. Then it came to me, "2nd chance"! He did ask me about BR yesterday and buying a tie or something, but I was kinda not paying attention. So when I asked him about it, and told him how confused I was he was like "Thanks for the recommendation. I love my new tie." Lol! Umm ohhhk. I was like "so it was you right?!" He was like, "Everyone else liked my tie too." I was like "Okay. Whatevs. It was you! Moving on..."

Wasn't that cute?! ...okay well I thought so.

..oh WAIT...!

I have another cute thing he did! In one of our past conversations I think I randomly stated how I absolutely hate spending $3.39/day on coffee and like $50/month on toiletries. You know like soap, deodorant, lotion, contact sol'n, detergent, razors...you know...the small but necessary items! So he was like "you're crazy!" I was like no seriously I hate it! He was like "well, you're just wasting energy b/c you need those things, right? Right. So shut up!" LOL! I was like "uh...rrrhhhoook"<---that's my Scooby Doo version of okay. Okay so on to the point...yesterday after work...I had to close-btw-my manager was like "oh yeah Shanette, before I forget, like I was about to do, someone came by and left this for you." "Oooh weee! For me?!" Guess what it was...An envelope w/2 gift cards-Starbucks & Target. After I laughed and blushed for like 2.45 minutes! I was like "OMGosh! How cute is this?! Especially since I need some contact sol'n and detergent right now on today!"
If you could have seen my face I'm sure I looked like a clown, w/my blushing ass-rosey cheeks! LOL! I swear I could NOT stop smiling! My manager said "girl you really smiling have never seen you smile that much! He was cute too-btw!" I was like "I KNOW RIGHT!" I mean really how cute was that?! So needless to say I was SUPER excited...well...until...

I went over and attempted to have 'thank you-I'm super turned-on' sex w/him. I honestly think I get caught up in the rapture that is 2nd chance b/c I literally forgot that he sux (and not literally either-which is a BIG part of the prollum!) in bed! So! Me being me...I tried to work w/it you know...but nope not really working out...I mean we've reached tolerableSo does that mean we're on the road to success? And if so, how long is the gotdamn road???

So after much contemplation and a little self-indulgence-hey a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do ; ) I came up w/the following: either he is (well was) a damn near 30-year old virgin-which would explain a lot, and totally freak me out @ the same time. Or. He's gay-which I would be devastated, not surprised, but extremely hurt! Or He's just not that in to me-now this is the one that I'm least likely to believe...not solely b/c I'm an arrogant asshole, but more so b/c his actions outside of the bedroom tell a different story..but hey I could always be wrong (doubt it). He's a pretty honest person, so...I'm not really sure what to think...but I'm def. thinking! Oh forgot to add he said I'm too aggressive! Me: "WTH?!?! Well yeah, b/c you bitching down, so somebody has to man-up...clearly you are NOT!" <--I didn't actually say that. What I said was this-->"Well, maybe you're too passive, I mean I'm just saying...I've never gotten such feedback." In reply he ignored me...and I inturn said "HUMPH" and scurried on out the door!

I mean I just don't get it-he's such a MAN pre-bedroom then he's like a little boy come bedroom boom-time! WTH?!
Who has the answers??? ...b/c I surely do NOT!

Pretty Cool Guy+SUPER HOTT+Good Job/Awful Sex=WTF?!?!?!?!
I mean this is 2007! There is some shit I just can NOT tolerate!
ARRRGGHHH!!! ...but I never like anyone : (
What is a girl to do?! Dilemma, dilemma!
So...I guess I'll keep riding it out...not really though...more like walking it out...te he he
I'll keep you posted! Of course ; )

Thanks for tuning in...signing off...

POB!!!

~S. Parks

The eX-factor!

I was really trying to deny myself this post but I just can't fight it! I really, kinda don't want to seem...seem...human...I guess.

Here goes...
Had a dream about the ex, about a week ago. Nothing too major or mind-blowing. Simple. Basically. I was in some foreign country...couldn't really see the other people that were around but there were people. I know I was in a foreign land b/c I could not understand anything that was being said. I was walking down the street...saw a familiar face but couldn't fig. who it was...turned around. Crossed the street. Tapped his shoulder. Guess who? Yep...him. I was delighted to see him (in the dream). We hugged and kissed. I liked it. We chatted. not sure what about. We exchanged numbers and said we'd keep in touch. Said our goodbyes. Hugged and kissed again. He scurried along. Nostalgia. Slowly walking the streets...thinking about Bilal's, "Reminisce".

That's all I can recall.

Hmmm. Now what does that mean??? Not sure.

I don't know how I feel about him. If someone was to ask me right now how I felt about him I would say "I don't feel anything w/a tad bit of an 'ugh' undertone."

So...here's the only thing I can come up w/its the Sex-factor. He was pretty awesome. Maybe even the best. The first. Well-balanced. Consistent. Overall 10. Easy. So yeah that could easily be the cause. B/c a couple posts ago I hadn't had sex, and I was going thru Step 2: Withdrawal rapidly approaching Step 3: Insanity, but that all came to end on Friday evening, but that's neither here nor there. So yeah...thinking that's the reason I've been so nostalgic these days. I don't miss him, I don't think. I miss the consistency, the goodness, the comfort, the contentment of being w/him on an intimate level. It was perfect. Seriously, it was. Rightfully so, every other aspect was the fool! Real Talk! We (look @ me...I've come so far) had issues!

Side-note: As a result-I've been listening to that Van Hunt again (don't sleep on him btw-he's what it is!) That album really reminds me of the ruff times! Woo wee and was it RUFF baybE! GOTSDAMN! So here's his vid to help you better aquaint or remind yourselves of why he's da truff! http://http//www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjqtmfBeyjI&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fclutchmagonline%2Ecom%2F

Don't get me wrong. There was a time when he was ALL THAT-whatev that is...he was it! I was madly in love, not dangerously but a little mad...you know...crazy in love. I was def. crazy for that one...sheesh....nice come back S dot! He was not all a bad experience, however. He along w/the horrific break-up taught me a great deal about myself, men and relationships-mostly good teachings-not all but most. For that I'm happy I "knew" (I use that term loosely) him.

I will say this though if he could really get his self together as far as his issues w/his self he'd be a really GREAT man. No bullshit. Not my man. I don't relive the past. But he'd be a great man to someone. Hopefully he's working on that. I also hope I did my share in helping that process along-although someone else is reaping my toiling. I know that one day I will be reaping the benefits of someone's blood, sweat and tears. Thank you in advance-btw ; )

I do hope he is happy though. I wish that for all the ex-es. There aren't many so I don't have to hope too much...thank heavens. I surely hope his ass don't try and communicate w/me though. I do know that I don't want to be his friend, no thanks. He doesn't know how. He has ulterior motives and I don't have time for the bullshit.

So...there it is...the eX-factor. I guess someone you've shared apart or in this case all of yourself w/its hard to say that person just no longer exists in your world, mind, heart, spirit-just b/c you are no longer together in that capacity, or talk often, or even at all. There's still that one thing like Amerie...memories from experiences which ignited feelings...and those are FOREVER.

Just think your ex is someone's spouse...lol...how weird is that...very! True though, very true. But. That will never negate the memories you've created-the good. the bad. and the ugly!

That's enuff...back to thinking bout my current lil boo (whom I adore btw) and my boos to come...ooh wee Essence! Get Ready Bitches! I don't love these hoes, man!

Hope to see you there...so...until then...

POB!!!

~S. Parks

Step 2: Withdrawal

So...about 3 months ago I wrote a post entitled: "Hi my name is Shanette and I'm an addict..." Well this is kinda piggy-backing off that post...

I know I neglected Step 1, which is Deprivation, but that was b/c I did not even realize I had experienced Step 1 until I reached Step 2, which just happened to occur this morning.

Now in case you aren't a faithful reader of the The Life & Times of S dot Parks (I'm just a girl...in the world...) not only are you a loser (j/k'ing...not really though...you are a loser, but we understand) but you also might not be familiar with my addiction. Well, its the #2 evil of the world S E X (#1 is of course the: GREEN, baby, and no, not the kind you smoke!). The other day Moe described it as the DEVIL in the flesh, and DAMNIT! I concur. That shit is a beast!!! I wasn't even trying to tame it but gotsdamn not having it regularly as I have been in recent months is really driving me! No like seriously I got the shakes...okay maybe that's an exaggeration but that's how sincere I am.


Now I understand that I am a pretty horny person by nature. Not sure if that equates to being a very sexual person or even a nympho. I might just be addicted to the idea of sex...hmmm...naan its the ACT! I mean I don't have to...everyday...more like every other day. Actually I don't have sex alot. I'm better when I do though...Its like okay you know I told you I have issues w/sex, so sometimes I'll go like several months even a year of no sex, but oh when I start back I'm seriously like a damn rabbit, and my game is all off...b/c I'm anxious and tryna make up for lost time or some shit. So I'll be all unfocused and really tunnel-visioned....No good right? Right! So I'll either give it up again cold-turkey or try to re-gain control and pace myself like a "normal" person...whatever that means. But like seriously I've been grinding so tuff that my sex is life is dwindling...sux to be me huh...YUP! So I woke up this morning like literally in a panic-lol! No I'm serious *insert straight face*

I was like OMGosh, I can't recall the last time I had sex...its getting serious!!! EEK! HELP...Help me PLEASE! The next step is insanity...and I'm rapidly approaching! Then I will be a real certified B I T C H!! Then I'll die...come back...and just be regular...lol...sad I know...that's my life...sad...but I'm working (my whole entire life, besides all my #1s) on it! Give me a minute...Imma be SO on in 5 mo minutes...Iunno bout my sex life but my deck life will def be poppin! So haters keep hating-lol I just wanted to throw that in b/c I like that new song by Sister Jill Scott!

BTW-when I say off my game, or unfocused, or needing to pace myself...I'm not referring to my sex game-I'm not one to brag on such things as that but um yeah...nuff said. I'm actually referring to my state of mind, my grind, my hustle...might get a little off track when sex is involved...you know how that shit can make a nigga vision cloudy as the fuck!

(sighs) so...Iunno...Iun just know...Imma see what I can do though...b/c this right here...right now...on today is NOT what's hott...and we know that is conflicting w/my summer plans man! NO GOOD, NO GOOD @ all! Hopefully by Essence I'll be cool one way or the other, if not Imma be a beast @ Essence baybe...so GET READY BITCHES...I don't love these hoes!

Side note: Damn you "2nd chance" Damn YOU to HELL!!! GIT man! REAL talk!

Yeah and where is "JO" you're asking? Out of town...AGAIN...our schedules are rather conflicting this summer...I think I had a mini-break down right there...okay I'm back!

aight the sexpot is signing out...I need some coffee...the hell! I gots to maintain @ least 1 vice!

Good Friday. Good People.

~S. Parks