Pearls

Until the Phone Rings...

2011-08-02T22:25:00.000-05:00

This time it's different, this time I'm done...until the phone rings. But. That time was it, no more. No come...no more cumming over me with none...of that slick shit cus I'm done! Until that phone rings & I wonder...if...if it's him & what he wants & when there's no hesitation I know I was never. Done.

"No One that 'Lives' Alone is REALLY Happy"

2011-07-27T00:39:00.006-05:00

Adam, my godson-who's 4, recently asked me to move in with him. When I politely declined, he insisted that I reconsider. I said (politely, of course) "I have my own home, Adam." To which, he replied "but you live alone, & no one that lives alone is really happy!" Initially I was a bit taken aback! I thought how does he even know to say that to me...AND how does he know I live ALONE?! I told his mom (my best friend) about it & we laughed a bit, then moved on.

That was at least a month ago...why am I still thinking about it?!

It literally just hit me (after a glass of...& a very long day) that lives in that precious statement means something else (to me, of course, not to him). It means: to have life, as an organism; be alive; be capable of vital functions: all things that live. Imagine a 4-yr old making a statement so profound!

Much obliged.

~SRJP

See: you for you...accept. love.
Be: thankful. giving. joyful...the rest will come. in due time. on-time.
Inspire: others. to do the same...their way.

As a woman...

2011-05-24T22:18:00.000-05:00

As a woman, I should be able to cry without feeling insecure. Without feeling weak. As a woman, I shouldn't have to be strong to prove my strength. To prove my power. As a woman, I shouldn't have to define my sexuality based upon a man's point of view. Because as a man he has not a clue. As a woman, I should be able to be alone without feeling lonely. Without feeling the need of someone to hold me. As a woman, I should be able to love, love unconditionally. Love passionately. Love eagerly. Love, really. Really, love? That's what this is all about...b/c as a woman...the very thing I was created to do, as a woman, I don't know how to...

Out my mind? Again.

2011-05-10T11:56:00.000-05:00

While the song is blasting...
Empowered.
Inspired.
Motivated.
Committed.
Changed.
When the music fades...
The thoughts return.
The breaths shorten.
The tears fall.
The hope fades.
The misery lingers.
In just 5 minutes. Or 60. Or 90. Or however long you decide to listen to that song. Those lyrics. That melody.
Shortly thereafter the thrill is gone...gone? Gone where?
Gone with the wind, but I'm sure that's not the end. For you will listen again. Deciding right then. "This, this right here is the LAST time the very last time that you will enter my mind, again!"
But the music can't play all day...

Be (stay) strong.

See. Be. Inspire.

XoXo

~SRJP

What a difference a day makes...

2011-05-10T11:31:00.002-05:00

Have you ever really considered how much can be accomplished in a day? I know we get caught up in our mundane lives & we think time is forever. Hence we put off that which should be done today, for tomorrow-which I've learned isn't promised. My mother used to tell me that, actually she still does..."never put off til tomorrow what you can do today." Which prompted my blog post for today. Each & every day for months I've been saying I would post something, anything...MONTHS later, here I am...with quite a bit accomplished.

I bought a new car & moved into a new apartment. I think I've mentioned before how obsessed I am with the concept of new. That quickly fades when the newness becomes so overwhelmingly consuming. I love my new car & my new place, but they sometimes remind me that the life of an adult isn't all that! I'm also back in school...working on my Masters...which everyday I hate more & more! Word to the wise, after undergrad-keeping going, no pauses, no breaks...trust me it's better that way. However, I keep treading along in hopes of my hard-work paying off some fine day!

As we know life is no walk in the park & sometimes it takes a bit adversity to get us to the newness that I fancy so much! With each disappointment, failure, & challenge that life brings opportunities are created, characters built & pathways defined. Isn't that exciting? I mean really isn't it exciting to know that trouble doesn't last always?! Seriously. While in Paris last month, I realized that the happiness I want is happiness I must create. No one is selling happiness, it's not given away, it's not even earned...it's created. The life you think you want, is the life you must create, simple as that. I know it sounds a bit cliche, but it starts in your mind. When you think small, you limit yourself. This applies to love, finances, dreams, just life in general.

When I think of where I've been, where I am now, & where I want to be, yes I get a bit anxious, scared even, but that fear drives me, while the past reminds me, that I am a work in progress. The life I want is a constant, ever-changing journey. While I don't know what tomorrow holds, I do know who holds tomorrow & as long as I'm in line with that I'm okay with the rest.

Much of what we do stems from what we think & the rest is what we've been taught to think. Each day we should try to think a new thought to sort of deprogram our minds so to speak. Break that mundane mentality. Intercept that routine. Challenge those rituals. Dare to be different. Explore you. Be free to express the changes. Be better, each day. Try to be better than the day before & watch the difference each day makes. It's pretty awesome.

Keep in mind that whether you're ready or not, life goes on with or without you!

See. Be. Inspire.

XoXo
~SRJP

thank you & you're welcome pt. 2

2010-07-25T14:08:00.004-05:00

An ode to exes:

Let me preface this by saying that I know everyone is different, but we're much more alike than we know, black/white, men/women, rich/poor. Hence I'm not comparing my exes. I'm honoring them for the lights they shined in my life during our stint(s) together. Everything isn't all bad guys. Clearly there were good times & though we aren't together anymore we have the option to not dwell on the negative & focus on the positive. Everyone likes to be appreciated whether the things were doing are part of the job or not...so even though some of you guys are jackasses, I managed to muster up a couple 'thank yous' for you as well.

Let's go:

Thank yous (b/c, for):

1) Your basketball shorts & over-sized tees. They bring me such comfort after a hard day's work.

2) Your arms. They made me feel safe.

3) Your chest. It made me feel like nothing else mattered.

4) Your $. Like coupons it saved me a ton!

5) Your deep voice. It made me tingle inside.

6) Respecting me. It made me appreciate being a woman.

7) Hearing me, listening to me & knowing the difference. It made me feel relevant, to you.

8) Considering my feelings. It made me feel important, to you.

9) Being my knight & shining armor, @ the time. It made me feel more like the princess that I am.

10) Your generosity. It made me recognize my worth & believe in it!

11) Most important, for showing me what I want in life, love & legacy (& what I don't). It made me realize this is not the end but only beginning of a life of love, something we all want!

***The great sex, I'm fortunate enough that all my past partners could put it DOWN in the bedroom-if nowhere else-& we all know how much of a sexual person I am, so that was important to me. It made me appreciate love-making.***

You're welcome for being allowed the privilege of being a component in my life. Your time spent has shaped & molded not only me, but more importantly you. To your future/current significant other, you're welcome, for that man that you have now, is significantly closer to being the man of your dreams, thanks to me! I would say thank you & come again, but unfortunately, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. So we wish you well in all your future endeavors. God bless & be FAB!

♥

XoXo
~SRJP
*Slappy-Cookie-WifeyParks-Renea-T.O.*

Thank You & You're Welcome!

2010-07-16T04:17:00.004-05:00

On the book of faces I saw this status in my news feed:
THANKs for....the first time we met, the friendship, being selfish, the last time we were together, passing me by,noticing,letting me think you're mine when you never were,for nothing but most importantly EVERYTHING!
My lovely friend Markita Miller.

Of course I had to comment (after a little thought & a crappy day-mentally):
As do I...thanks for...telling the truth, while being a liar...being a giver, while stealing my heart...listening to me, while never saying a word...loving me, while leaving me w/o an explanation! Thanks for absolutely nothing & you're WELCOME for absolutely EVERYTHING (BITCH)!!!
I told you it was that kind of day!

She (Ms. Miller) in turn followed up with an explanation about the initial status & couple 'thank yous' she forgot to mention:t
...thanks for making me realize that I AM SO much better than YOU and for making me feel like I was NO good. The things that make you embrace your worth huh guys.

Wow! Are you wowed b/c I'm nearly floored. The power in her last 2 lines took me some place else with the thank you note & I'm just now (2 weeks later) able to really dissect those thoughts & feelings.

That crappola day I had up there, comes & goes every few days. B/c every few days, I start to reconsider the reasons my ex & I parted ways. I start to reconsider the reasons we aren't back together. I start to reconsider the reasons why he doesn't call & barely texts. I start to then reconsider why does he randomly text & sporadically appears (ie on my damn Pandora station...thanks Facebook) right before my eyes. I start to reconsider what I could have done better. I start to reconsider what I should have done better. I start to reconsider what I said...what I didn't say...how I said it & how I didn't say it. I start to reconsider letting it go & moving on. I start to reconsider calling him & apologizing for what I've done. All the while...the Shanette I've always known is drowning in all that self-pity, guilt, bitterness. I don't know this Shanette.

I decided to reflect on that ultimate break-up which occurred about 4-5 years ago (I can't recall his nickname on here). Talk about devastation! My Lord! B/c I'm certain He is the only reason that not only I made it but he made it...to see another day. Not that you should compare break-ups b/c you shouldn't, just like you shouldn't compare significant others. It's just not fair b/c they don't compare. However for writing & evaluation purposes that's exactly what I'm about to do...only I'm comparing the Shanettes. The Shanette from years ago was so extra crass, gangsta-like, w/a real 'fuck you' attitude! The Shanette today consciously suppresses that Shanette. She recognizes that in order to be successful not just in relationship but life in general that emotionally scarred girl has to better cope w/her issues as a young woman. I said all that to say. My recent ex insinuated that I was still that girl-which I wasn't offended by UNTIL he suggested it was just who I was & I was pretty much incapable of changing. It is the 1 thing that literally pisses me off to no end, when I think of us no longer being together. In my eyes he basically gave up on me. He decided my fate before I could, in turn deciding our fate w/o consulting me. Now what gave him such insight, balls & audacity....no clue!

I have to ponder though why that notion upsets me so...is it b/c it is in fact true? Am I still trapped in that damaged (for a number of uncontrollable & controllable reasons) state?
I disagreed then & I'm on the fence now.
I can only be me, whoever she is...she is multifaceted.
Not one-dimensional. Yes, I am harsh & no that's not changing.
Yes I have & can have an absolutely despicable attitude but that's not a character trait its a coping mechanism.
This is when you learn about you but also when you learn about the type of significant other you need. Not that anyone should have to deal w/anything in particular...but I know I can't & won't deal w/being placed in a box...by anyone or anything. I have to have room to grow.
Here in lies the difference: The 1st Shanette was content & confused by him & herself. This Shanette is only confused by him. I know I'm not perfect by any means b/c I'm great by all means, including this break-up (POW!). Hence I'm reminded that in the end, I'm all I've got, when my man's gone, my money's low, & my friends are busy...I'm all I've got, me & the Lord...all I need, to get by! So I thank him, my recent ex, for reminding me that greatness can't be contained & not everyone is meant to go w/the flow of greatness, for it is indeed a trying journey, a roller-coaster of events, emotions, & transitions to say the least...If I were 5'9, you could say I had the soul of a 6'4 person, like T.I. ...but since I'm 6 feet anyway (giant to most)...I'm just being who I was designed to be & that's all I can be!!!\

Thanks again...& you're absolutely welcome for everything!
I am utterly the gift & the curse. The gift of having experienced such greatness. The curse of having experienced such greatness. .

On that note I'm greatly in need of rest.
Nite.
Remember to love God & yourself-the rest will take care of itself!
Who so ever can't get w/that can definitely get lost!

XoXo-

all the Shanettes...the great. the not so great. & the FABulous!

It'll ALL Get BETTER with TIME!!!

2010-06-18T15:40:00.000-05:00

*today's post is brought to by Leona Lewis"
I love how music can always make me feel either better or worse...no in between, but I just love that it relates to me...& yes I meant to type it that way...music relates to me I don't relate to it!

Anyway I have had a roller coaster of emotions this week. I'm exhausted from feeling! So literally broke down on Wednesday & cried my eyes out, in my closet, on my hands & knees-asking God to take it all from me. As soon as I said those words I wiped those tears, stopped feeling sorry for myself, took back the control in my life, & decided things don't have to be this way. I thanked God in advance for His undeniable & everlasting love.

I'd rather not delve into the things that were weighing me down but I will say this, none of it was worth it! I can't make anyone love me the way I think I should be loved. I can only love me the way I should be loved, according to the way God loves me-I just said something there...let's examine. I wonder how many people actually realize that w/o understanding God's love for us, we are forever lost. At the end of each day, all we want is love & happiness, Al Green clearly knows his stuff, guess that's why he came a reverend-okay off subject...back on...I'm just saying that we put so much of our hopes & aspirations into others b/c we know very little about ourselves, what were capable of & who we really are ( I guess this is a continuation of my last post).

Sometimes you just have to reach a certain limit in life where you literally say to yourself "I don't want to do this anymore." To me that means, "I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!" I looked in the mirror last night & I simply said Shanette, you are so much better than these piss-poor choices you've made, these people you're around, these situations you're in...I am certain that this is not my life hence I'm changing it! Yep, I am in control, so I'm changing my course...actually I'm getting back on course w/God's plan & I know it'll all get better with time. How do I know? That I'm destined for greatness & designed with a purpose?

Ephesians 2:10
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

I know sometimes we like to take the easy way out. The cop out. The fear route. Well that's not the way. You have to go through a little something to really understand & appreciate that this thing is a journey, here to teach us lessons, to challenge us, to inspire us, to help us to help others, to leave a legacy, an imprint, a mark on the world. Now look at yourself, are you prepared today to leave your mark? What would your imprint be? Will anyone want to carry on your legacy? It's so easy for us to think that everything is all about us & our little problems are gigantic because they affect us greatly, but if we look around the world still goes on, so why not continue as we go on this journey with it's unexpected, unforeseen good and bad events...let's do it with some tenacity, some courage, some optimism & some style. I mean maybe, just maybe that will not only make it get better w/time, but be okay, today.

Be thankful, for what you have and what you don't...

Happy Friday Folks!

~srjp

You can STILL be who you wish you is-SATC 2 edition!

2010-05-26T12:18:00.003-05:00

Lord, if you're listening & I know you are, here in lies my dream job...to be a wardrobe designer...for a movie, a runway show, a video even, regular folk, rich folk, poor folk...I want it all! Literally! I want to write books, own a boutique, start a magazine, back an accessories line, design a shoe line & run a non-profit!!! Yes! I want it all!!! All in FABulosity!!!

As I'm sure all of you know, SATC 2 (Sex & the City 2), is on it's way to the theatres...ask me if I can wait?! I feel like I can't but of course I will & clearly I am...I mean I have no choice! In the meantime, I'm reading every news article, watching every tv appearance, perusing every on-line photo, in anticipation for the BIG day!!! It will indeed be a big todo, we're (my chicas & I) are grabbing cocktails & hitting the theatre in a snazzy getup & making it a night!!! Guess WHAT!!! My look is together *the crowd gasp in pleased shock* Well, at least I think I do :) actually as I typed that I had a vision of something else to compliment it, but I probably won't make a fuss, so it's done! I'm going to see the midnight showing tonight and the "girls night soiree" tomorrow @ 6:30! Have I mentioned that I can hardly wait *bites nails-before I get my manicure this evening*!

You know I was watching the episodes, last night, (Season 6) & I just realized how much Carrie has not changed...in loving herself. I admire a lot of things about Carrie Bradshaw, but what I love is her unconditional love for herself! Men have come & gone, spats w/friends, job changes, etc...but all in all, Carrie never stops loving herself. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a simple & silently confident way that's unoffensive, yet inspiring. In & out of relationships, she remains true to who she is, as an individual. I respect that! We can all take note of that, as we go through life. It's okay, in fact it's healthy, to make adjustments to one's appearance & even attitude. It's okay to take in constructive criticism & even harsh critiques, but at the end and the beginning of the day, you are already you, so be that person & be the best at it that you can be! For example, Carrie gives up smoking for Aidan, no easy task I'm sure, especially for Carrie, who lived with a cig in hand...BUT is the definition of Carrie, a smoker, I doubt it. Hence, giving up a small habit for a potentially, special person, that ultimately benefits self, isn't such a bad deal...maybe a little inconvenient but not wrong! Granted, sometimes there is a grey area & the line becomes a little unclear, but that's when you have to know yourself!
Who are YOU? With no make-up on, no fancy duds, no blackberry/i-phone, no botox, no implants, no weight gain/loss, no parents, no children, no right & no wrong...who are you on the inside...let's all hope that we're someone to remember, not so much for what we did but for who we were while doing it!

Do you remember when Ms. Bradshaw said this:
"…relationships. There are those that open you up to something new & exotic, those that are old & familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, & those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging & significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

Well, I won't include the preview for the new movie, b/c personally I'm sick of watching it-I'm just ready for the real thing!

This is a SN but a very important one:
You can't even begin to love someone else without loving yourself first and how do you love yourself, even on days you feel and look like crap-you remember that God loves you at your best and your worst! Why?! He made you-DUH! Therefore he knows who & whose you are! He also knows your destiny, so I'd advise you to trust him! It is impossible to love others unless you know, believe and receive God's love. 1 John 4:19 says, We love because he first loved us.

Have a FABulous day & enjoy the movie girls (& guys-I do know a few)!!!

XoXo-

SRJP

An Echoed Element of Freedom

2010-04-15T09:15:00.004-05:00

So I'm not like a huge A. Keys fan but I did like her prior to her involvement w/Swiss Beatz, though I know were supposed to diasscoaite personal & professional lives of celebrities. I'm sorry it just doesn't work that...she dropped 3 notches in class level when she started that relationship. I also know you cant control who you love, but I do know you can control your actions, if you're a normally functioning human being.

Anyway...so not the point of this article. My agenda here was to attest to the greatness that is Alicia, musically. Now her previous albums have never been thoroughly dynamic. A few songs here, a couple tracks there, but nothing complete. However, this album, this Element of Freedom, absolutely INCREDIBLE!!! The music, the lyrics, the depth...I love it & it couldvery well be b/c I'm going through something right now, but in my opinion that makes it even better!

Check out "Like the Sea" & "Unthinkable!" (though the whole cd is hott-nice Summer nights music)

I've been planning to write this post for some time now, but y'all know how I can get lacksidasical. So I was listening to it morning, noon & night but as of lately I've transitioned to Leona Lewis' Echo'. Which I've clearly slept on, b/c I've had it for MONTHS!!! Craziness, right?! It is an awesome album currently my fave songs are Outta My Head & Can't Breathe! Her voice, her voice, undeniably unique, distinct & incredibly soothing. She's a very pretty girl too! She has a great sense of style too, so you know that really makes me love her!!!

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Happy Thursday boys & girls!!!
Remember to love God & yourself...everyone else will follow suit!

~SRJP

2010-02-22T09:16:00.005-06:00

Hello lovers *in my Carrie Bradshaw voice*

How the heck have you guys been?!?!

I've missed you bunches!!!

Happy New Year!!!

Soooooo much has taken place since we last chatted.

I have a new job.
Got a weave.
Visited L.A.
Broke up w/the bf.

The new job--I like. Lots of benefits. Think I'm starting law school in the fall! Keep your fingers crossed & me in your prayers!!!!

Got a weave--*rolls eyes* their such a task, but I like for now...though I think I'm not really a long hair girl...I look better, in my opinion w/short hair. However I've only been wearing it shoulder length w/the weave, I was thinking the next time maybe I'll go SUPER long like Khloe K.!!! What do you think?!?! I just don't want to do my hair for a while, it's all damaged & looking crazy & that just won't fly especially @ my new job...bosslady is into the looks!!!

Visited L.A.--whackness. Trip from hell pretty much. That's all I say about that. Good experience, bad trip!

I love him.
I miss him.
We'll be friends again, someday.
Today, we're individuals trying to make sense of what just happened.
We meant well.
Sometimes things just don't work out the way in which you want.
We did.
We learned.
We're growing.
We'll be better people.
No love loss.
No hard feelings...@ least on my end.
JMJ, it's been a great ride, that I wish never stopped.
It was fun, but life goes on.
My love will remain.
You'll always be my goof ;)

Sometimes in life we have to take a really good look @ the man in the mirror.
Take a survey.
Be open & honest w/self.
Let go.
Grow.
Move on.
Life is short, lets make it count while we can!

My tip today: don't sweat the small stuff, it's really not worth it!
Have a FABulous week!!!
I love you tons & God loves you more!!!

XoXo-

SRJP

At Night.

2010-02-22T08:49:00.005-06:00

At night.
In the night.
During the night.
All damn night.
I think of you.
I can't sleep b/c of you.
I cry for you.
I scream in my mind @ you.
You can't hear me b/c you're asleep.
How can you sleep?
At night?
When I'm awake.
At night.
In the night.
During the night.
All damn night.
The thoughts of you, I run from all day.
I push them away, deep into my mind where I pray they will stay.
Yet they haunt me around 8, when the Cabernet takes effect.
You taunt me all day but I'm strong until I lay.
Down my head.
On that bed.
Too tired to even pray.
So I let you in.
My mind you play.
Tricks on & say.
How dare you say.
Nothing.
While I lie awake.
At night.
In the night.
During the night.
All damn night!

Donna! Man DOWN!!!

2009-12-01T12:32:00.003-06:00

I swear as soon as I get a laptop, I'm coming back strong guys, but until then, pardon my absence :)
I still ♥ my 5 readers, lol, no really I miss blogging & I have sooooo much blog about!!

Soon & very soon...

Until...don't leave me!

XoXo-
*SHANETTE RENEA*

Don't Call it a Comeback!

2009-09-20T11:38:00.014-05:00

*in Wendy Williams voice* Where you been?!

I know, I know I've been mia for so long you probably thought I wouldn't return & I must admit I considered letting it go but then I remembered why I started the blog-to better my skills, to release some frustration & to entertain some people...so here I am back again, but don't call it a comeback!

So let's get it started...soooo much has happened...a whole season has passed & I must say to my dismay it's been a pretty good Summer! New Orleans for Essence. Jamaica wedding-not mine of course, but stay tuned-ha not really. Chicago, Il & Jackson Miss for family reunions! There has been a sour patch as of lately-my really good friend Karm moved to LA & it's been having me in the pits, but on the up side I have *insert drumrolls* a bf *& the crowd gasp*! Yes, yes, so I've been sort of busy in retrospect but not too busy that I couldn't blog-I've simply been too lazy to do so-which is quite out of character but hey it happens I suppose.

NOLA-

Essence was a total blast! My sister, Lynn & I road tripped along w/her cousin Bernard down to NOLA for about 4 days. Went to the shows Friday, well Saudia-my niece & I went to see Beyonce & friends...then Saturday my sister & her friends & myself went to see Maxwell & Anita Baker & friends...great nite. Hung out w/Nic & Madd a bit-she's so very grown btw-my #1! Ate my freaking life away! Shopped a smidge, drank a tad & just had all around oodles of fun! I was reluctant to leave-per usual but it had been so effing long since I'd been I was like wth was I thinking I must never go more than 9 months w/o a visit-that's just wrong! So anywho... ♥ NOLA!

Jamaica Mon-!

Oh gosh-can you imagine being drunk literally all day for like 6 days?! Insanity but the absolute best vacay ever in life! I mean really-liquor is in your rum, @ your disposal 24 hours a day! I lost like 5lbs pre-trip & literally gained all that back just in alcohol intake-fml!!! It was totally worth it though! I swear we were all drunk @ the wedding even-or hung over-lol! The ceremony was nice though, after much ado of course. The tourism attractions were fun. The shopping was great, the nightlife was poppin & the beach was serene...I swear I wake up sometimes just wanting a daiquiri & a _ _ _ _ _ & lay out on the beach all damn day...how sad but so sincere!

So yes if you haven't been to Jamaica I'd advise a trip, real soon & take me w/you-lol!

Let's see what else...

Oh reunions-

Both for my Mom's side of the family. The 1st was for her Mom's side & the 2nd for her Dad's side.

Chicago was nice but I have to go back to relly explore & shop & hang & shop & eat & shop some more, but it was great to see the fam once again-all was well- we lost the volleyball tournament, but they cheated-so typical-ghetto Chi-towners-lol! No really it was a blessed trip & I look forward to the next one in Detroit, MI-it's been a minute. Then we ventured to Jackson, MS-a looooong overdue reunion-like 20+ years...so basically I don't even recall another one! We had a really great time-getting to know everyone again & learning about our ancestors. We also ate good & hung out a bit. Good times, indeed. I'm so blessed I come from good stock, as country folk say. More so I'm blessed to have family & an gigantic family @ that...I realize that family is important as I go through life & I swear I would trade it for nothing in the world-as crazy as they are I ♥ my family!!!

KarmCharm moves to LA-

*deep sigh* I mean I knew she was leaving but I didn't know how much it would affect me. I actually thought it would encourage me to migrate but it did the total opposite. I became very lazy, sleepy & an alcoholic all in a matter of a week or 2, though she's only been gone a month it seems like so much longer. I'm just now starting to pull myself out of the funk & I'm not really sure what my problem is but I think I just feel stuck here...like my life in Memphis will never end & that literally depresses me! However, I can't let me current situation dictate my future-I must remember who I am & the purpose I serve or @ least the goals I've set & adhere to them, take back the control of my destiny & believe! It's time for me to apply to school so that is definitely going to force me to get it together-as I listen to "Get it Together" by Robin Thicke & Faith-I have so much to do in so little time-but good thing is I work best under pressure! Even getting back into the blog will ignite my fire! Though I would love to be in NYC right now-pursuing my fashion career-styling, buying, merchandising...I also know the shit doesn't just happen I have to make the provisions to get it done & honestly I haven't done the things I've needed to do to make move into the industry, but I'm working on it however I need my $$$ like NOW-so what does that mean?? It's time to go back to school & upon graduation-2014...I'm thinking I'll write a book by 2015. Open a boutique & start a shoe label by 2016...all before I'm 35-YAH YAH TRICK!!! Sounds like a plan to me!

I was also thinking when I'm done applying for PharmD, I could very well go to NYC from JAN-JUL & live it up before schooling it up for the next 4 years-it's a possibility...we'll see what happens! I'm remaining optimistic about the rest of '09! I've been blessed thus far, despite getting in my own damn way. God prevails-anyhow-so I figure I may as well step aside & let Him do His thang!

Last but not least-the bf-who shall remain called the bf until...we stop slick acting like Bey & Jay w/the extra discreetness-I'm just saying I don't need no extra drama-ugh!

A very pecular little transformation we made from associates-->friends-->lovers-->relationship status. I sometimes have a hard time believing how far we've come b/c it was so unexpected but I have found that things I'm looking for in the places I'm looking for them are not matching up & sometimes the things we think we want aren't all that important in restrospect. I'll just say I'm letting God control this one-I've tried to avoid it, deter it, sabotage it, & I swear I can't shake this one & I'm okay w/that, it appears to be good for me & I can use some goodness. We FIGHT hard & LOVE harder but we're strong in that we're growing & willing to make the effort & that's big-I think. He's good to me & I appreciate him for that...so whatever the reasoning we're together @ this moment in time may be a mystery but I'll take that as long we keep gettting better, individually & collectively. So anywho-cupid made a big ass fool outta my ass-the LoveH8r, ha...gotcha BITCH! We'll see how the days ahead unravel-I take them one day @ a time--pray for me ;)

Well I suppose that wraps today's post. I'll be in touch...sooner than l8r :-P

Until...remember Whose you are, & that @ the end of the day & the beginning-lol, you control your destiny!!!

Be. Great!

XoXo-

*SHANETTE RENEA*

*oh signing off w/a little inspiration from one of my fave people-Jay-Z @ the VMAs, w/my boo(no homo) repping for her mane (how you doin-j/p) in the audience-I ♥ them-individually & collectivelly!*

Unfoolish-"Know Your Worth!"

2009-03-29T17:35:00.004-05:00

I felt like a fool.
Felt-the operative word.
Yes I've played the fool.
For what? For who?
For you?
It's so sad...it's funny.
I'm so sad...I'm hilarious.
But it's cool b/c everybody plays the fool @ least once.
Sometimes there's not even a decent explanation...sadder.

Women...we have it rough, but we make it rougher.
Settle for what? For who?
Settle for you.
Settle for the betterment of you.
Settle for you.
Settle for the triumph of you.
Settle for you.
Settle for the glory of you.
It's not worth it, but you are.

I can't even believe myself.
I can't believe myself.
Shanette the Great feels like Shanette the Fool...for no damn reason...saddest.
I'm disappointed.
With little gained & much lost.
I now feel unfoolish for I recall my worth.
I recall that @ the end of the day when your company kept has left all you have is YOU!

It's unfortunate as women that we are innate pleasers, even the toughest woman wants to please...her man, her mom, her chaps, her friends, her co-workers, her pastor...always forgetting herself.
Result in a loss of self...
Remember who you are & you will always be happy, whether you have pleased others or not.
Ultimately the only person worth pleasing is Jesus.
Know your worth-it's imperative in not getting caught up.
No matter how detached your feelings are & how apathetic you appear to be...your vitality is in jeopardy, your life, your soul are within & no matter how you think you may have detached them they are apart of you, hence where you go...they go.
When you dwell among the futile & partake in the ineffective do you not feel affected, lessened even, eventually reduced to their/that level?

I know we as women have a habit, a very bad habit of waiting, waiting until we are so tired & beat down & broken before we change a situation b/c we think this/that is all we deserve.
It does not have to be. It is not supposed to be. It should not be...this way.
We have so much power, it is a wonder we aren't ruling the world.
Enters our emotions, our co-dependency & our undefined worth.

Today, on today, I take back the control.
Not the control I think I have b/c I do what I want & say what I want.
The control of my mind & my destiny, for I know what I deserve & this shit ain't hardly it.
I know I'm better than & I'm no longer afraid to be, to have & to require such.

Be. Unfoolish. Know. Your. Worth.

~S. Parks

"Why is She Here, Ike?!"

2009-02-23T13:34:00.008-06:00

*brought to you in part by "What's Love Got to do with it?!"

Have you ever wondered why certain people are in your lives, better yet how they got in, in the 1st damn place???

I don't wonder that often b/c I usually keep the same people in my life pretty consistently. Even in college I just wasn't prone to making new friends, maybe acquaintances but not new friends. I'm just super cautious about who comes into my life. However sometimes people slip in or even those that were in can really make you wonder how on earth you got involved w/such characters.

Sometimes I can go days or weeks w/o speaking to someone & they & even I will wonder why & I think it's b/c they have no real value in my life, like they serve no purpose. They're just here. Well who needs that??? I surely don't, but I'm a special case, so maybe you do. I'm just saying take a survey of the people in your life & really determine why is ______ here?! If the answer isn't beneficial for you, then I would say alleviate some of that dead weight in your life. Let me clarify that initial sentence there are people in your life who for you, whether you talk to them everyday or hell once a year, the frequency in conversation does not change that, then there are people who just exist & ultimately mean you no good, whether consciously or subconsciously, those are the people I'm referring to...the times in which you talk or visit or socialize have absolutely nothing to do w/their purpose in your life...I think I was referring thinking of the people that I communicate w/on the regular but it could also be those who I hardly speak or whatever...either way..."why is he/she here?!"

I know this will sound strange but again I'm a special case so bear with me...this probably has to do with the fact that I don't hardly not care about anything or anyone nor have any feelings @ the moment...Anyway, as of lately I have been telling people, friends or whatever they are, when we argue or disagree or what have you that if they feel as though our relationship, meaning the one they are in w/me is not conducive to their lifestyle or not beneficial to their well-being or takes away from their overall happiness, then I would recommend that they not be my friend, or maybe we should take a break, or not spend as much time together or whatever. As I read that I can see how asshole-ish it sounds, but that is sincerely not my intention. I'm being very honest when I say I know I'm quite much to take on & I'm not for everyone just as everyone is not for me. So I give that option of an out b/c I'm pretty much not gonna change for anyone except myself & Jesus so until then, if @ all, I'm just like deal w/it or don't! Lol, I say that SO much "either deal w/it or don't, honey"..."& if you're gonna deal w/it change your attitude about it!"

Hell if I keep coming w/this depressing ass posts you might wanna ask yourself that question about me, lol...again you have that out...b/c I'm pretty sure until I get up & outta this city or @ least get a decent job or start my business, these posts won't be too high life...I mean anything is possible, but I'm just letting you know now...maybe it's just today...I feel awful, yuck!

L8r tricks!

~S. Parks

Apathy

2009-02-23T13:34:00.005-06:00

I'm already a very nonchalant person but somehow that turned into apathy. There is very little that bothers, angers, or disrupts me these days...on the other hand there's very little that arouses, excites, or amuses me these days. I mean I've never been easily excited person nor quick-tempered...I'm pretty calm but this is somewhat of a different situation & it has me fairly concerned.

I've gotten into such a routine, such a ritual, such a mundane lifestyle that it seems rather okay to me to not really care about anything...I've subdued the feelings of misery (being in Memphis) & replaced them w/apathy. A very sad situation might if I do say so myself...to be 25 & just feel apathetic about life...I have virtually no feelings about anything. I go to work. I do my job. I run my errands. I get things done. I pay my bills. I buy nothing new. I have sex & convince myself it helps me feel better. I hang out w/pretty much the same people & do the same stuff.

When in the hell did this become my life??? Life? This is not even me...let alone life! I'm just existing...not living. Wait, wasn't I just talking about living??? Well to be honest w/you...I just feel like I'm just here, no liveliness, just here...going through the motions. I try to hold on to the goals & keep the visions in plain sight but somewhere along the way I've kinda lost myself in trying not to lose my mind. What does that mean?! What I attempted to do was not complain, deal w/Memphis & do what I could do to sustain peace of mind, which were the things I listed above, all the while interfering w/my self-motivation & drive. Not that I pity myself by no means b/c I know very well how blessed I am & how much I have to offer the world, but sometimes we need that discomfort, that feeling of disgust & dissatisfaction to keep us on our toes.

Apathy is a scary thing b/c when you don't care about or you don't really feel...anything...you are prone to do things uncharacteristic or get into situations that are almost unbelievable.

Let me get a sidebar right here...this is a HUGE problem w/today's youth, specifically black children. They have not a care in the world & it is absolutely frightening. For children so young with so much potential, with whole lives to live, just not care about anyone or anything including themselves. It is difficult to teach, to rear, to help, to mentor, to reach these children. Where does the future lie for us if no one cares about??? It is my sincere hope that Obama has ignited a mental fire in the youth of today. It is also my hope that my generation will take more responsibility for the actions of our children now & make a sincere effort to instill in them the importance of preserving life for the future.

Okay back to myself. I was trying to figure out how exactly did I get to be like this & I have discovered it is a combination of things. Like I said I've always been nonchalant + my life right now is just not impressive to me @ all + my last relationship & the way in which it ended + other misc. factors = an apathetic individual. I know you're probably tired of hearing me complain about Memphis, b/c I'm tired of hearing me complain about Memphis...so I'll pass on explaining that b/c it is self-explanatory, if not refer to previous posts. The nonchalant factor I'll attribute to my father & keep it moving. The last relationship has been played out enough, no need to revisit that again. The misc. factors are probably the recession, Hurricane Katrina (yes, I know it was like 4 years ago, but I'm still affected, thanks), & my lack of prayer life. I talk a good game, in fact I could be a motivational speaker or something, but on the inside I'm probably not doing half the shit I advise others to do! How hypocritical of me?! Yes I know, but that's what it is...I'm my own worst enemy & my biggest critic...who gives out tons of advice whether you want it or not yet I don't deal w/my own shit, umph! Shame, shame!

Now how do I get myself out of this position before I self-destruct?! Well do what I said do in the "Live full. Die Empty" post. Initially I was thinking that maybe if someone came into my life that really cared about me then maybe I could possibly feel again, then I remembered that that has happened already, "2nd Chance", duh! Which-btw-further lets me know I just wasn't that into him...you see how I just forgot about him like that...so anyways conclusion drawn, nothing to do w/anyone or anything else...the answer lies in me, per usual!

I swear I've got the Monday blues some terrible so pardon all my sad little posts...of course you know who/what I blame...the big M!

Signing off,

S. Parks

Have a SUPER week, lol, no really!

Out of Control.

2009-02-23T11:20:00.003-06:00

Have you ever felt completely out of control?

Or.

Maybe you didn't even realize that you are not in control of you life?

I am definitely a control freak...not that I necessarily want to control other people but it's my own life I am obsessed with controlling. Right now I just don't feel in control...like I go to a job & they kinda control what I do...I live w/my family & they kinda controls what I do or don't...I'm involved in a rather stupid situation w/a man & as much I hate to admit...he controls just about everything that happens...when...where...how...etc. & I don't like it! Utter bitchassness!

Oh wait how could I forget my biggest issue-last but definitely not least...I'm so NOT in control of my weight, which is in direct result of not being in control of mind...see a lot of these things are mental & giving up your mental freedom is never a good thing, in fact is absolutely the worst thing you can ever do, I think. I just cannot believe I've gained like 15 lbs. It's absolutely awful, as if I need yet another problem, ugh!

Just look @ the Willie Lynch instructional guide for keeping a slave a slave...through the mind, while the mind is powerful is also dangerous...well b/c it's powerful. When you control a person's mind, you can make them do whatever, however & guess what that same mentality passes on from generation to generation...I know I've gone a bit off into the deep end but I'm just saying if you're in a situation where anyone other than Jesus controls you, you obviously have a problem!

People can't even control the stock market therefore I definitely don't want a simple-minded person controlling me! If I'm going to do some damage or some good I'd rather take all the credit myself. Now how do regain control of my life...well, do whatever I wanna do when I wanna do it, lol, no like I'm serious & if I don't have the means to do so, well then that means I need to get my damn shit together. You know who's a good example of a person who does what they want, when they want...Kanye West...love him or hate him (obviously I ♥ him!), he marches to his own drum, literally & I love it. I love when people don't just accept what's in front of them, when they probe & wonder how they can bring their own perspective into something. I think that's very hott in a man too. I like a challenging man b/c I am definitely a challenging woman (calling myself a woman is strange). I just like it when people don't allow me to dominate them b/c I can & will definitely try to do so! I do think b/c I am such a strong-minded, aggressive person that when I'm involved w/a man I sometimes quiet myself...particularly in sexual situations...I don't usually prefer to be in control-that was just a side note...completely off subject.

Anyways...the only man I want to be in control of my life right now is Jesus Christ. I swear if I could surrender myself totally & completely, things would be so much easier...yes I said it, b/c I know some folk wouldn't admit it, but I still have a vast amount of work to do when it comes to surrendering my entire self to the Lord! I thank Him for being patient, but I'm not going to take you for granted God, I'm coming on around!

Anywhoo...guys & gals...if you're feeling a bit out of control, blame it on the recession like everyone else, lol...I kid. Blame it on yourself but don't beat yourself up about it...it happens, just recognize that it's not okay & work on it & pray about it & keep it moving.

Hey maybe you can blame it on your location, like I do...stupid Memphis...I kid...kinda :)

Well have a productive, awesomely in control week folks...I'm blowing...

~S. Parks

Live full. Die empty.

2009-02-19T10:16:00.005-06:00

*brought to you in part by Mr. Les Brown*

If you died today, would you feel as though you have really lived & died w/no regrets? Not necessarily that you accomplished all your goals, b/c we're always setting new goals or that you wouldn't maybe do some things differently, but simply that you thought of today, this day as the day that the Lord has made & you rejoiced & were glad in it. You know I'm not like a big bible quoter, not that that's uncool, I just don't know it well enough, but I believe there is something in there about in all things be content, or something to that effect. I always wondered what that meant, like when I thought of contentment I thought negatively. I guess b/c it just kinda seems associated w/settling, but I have come to find that it simply means or I feel it means to be satisfied. In all that you do be satisfied with what you have done. Wake up & be satisfied that God is yet in control & as long as you do your apart then it will be a good day. Be satisfied in the moment...whatever that requires & if you are not then it is up to no one else but yourself to change that & while you are doing so be satisfied in that, but all the while give God His praise for satisfaction...for contentment.

take a moment & think about that

I know times are really really rough on so many levels. $$$ always puts a strain on things, even when you have it...it interferes w/so much & can damage relationships & ruin lives. However life STILL goes on...I say that all the time now...if you die today, I have to keep living tomorrow & vice-versa...I mean shit happens in life there is no avoiding that. It's about the way you handle it & what you do about it that counts. So I say in this time of despair & turmoil & uncertainty go for the gold, take a chance, live it out a dream. Why? B/c what do you have to lose? I mean honestly is shit is already bad, hell worse won't hurt so much but better would be just awesome. Think about your passion, your true desire & aspirations in life...jot them down or keep them in your mind, whatever works...its just then you write things down you are more likely to do them...but however you do it, just do it! The time is now, to LIVE not exist & to do so w/fullness.

Let us take the most tangible, visible, current example we have thus far...President Barack Obama.

A man against ALL odds made something happen that surely people thought wouldn't happen anytime soon if not never. No one knocked on this man's door & gave him any nominations nor elections. He fought for what he wanted. He took a risk. A HUGE risk. He whole-hearted set a goal & accomplished...you know what that was probably on half the goal...you can just tell when God is involved in something b/c things just fall into place & they look effortless, but guess what the work & the commitment has to be put forth & of course God will take care of his part. I'm sure President Obama faced several obstacles along the way & I'm certain there were days when he wanted to call it quits but each & everyday he kept fighting for what he believed & even if he failed, you cannot say he did not try. He lived. He lives. He succeeded. He succeeds.

I know how some people like to talk about timing & due season, but, how will you know if it is in fact your time if you aren't even trying? If you are not making an effort? If you're just setting goals & wishing they come true. Honey that's just not it, life nor God works like that...you have to set goals but follow through. Sure Obama tag line largely involved Hope, but hope w/o action is a waste & he's displaying just how hope + action=change. You can hope all day but if there is no action there is no progression. Even if there is rejection involved, again that's life, how will you know what is for you w/o knowing what is not?

I say go for it, that's what I say. I feel like the fulfillment & joy of doing what you love supersedes any amount of $...I know, I know I'm BIG on $ & I am, however $ will come & go but happiness is priceless & I would absolutely take happiness over $ any day (but Lord please give me both, lol)!

Anyways, I'm just saying take a chance...I don't know what it is you aspire to do, but just think of how simply taking a chance, whether you're "successful" or not, could be an inspiration to someone else to do something they've aspired to do. I don't know I'm just saying...live a little, even when times are seemingly dire...pray & live & be the best you, you can be!

Godspeed!
~Shanette Renea

SHE's just not that into you...

2009-02-05T19:13:00.003-06:00

This is for Markita.

I have absolutely NO idea how you know when a girl's just not that into you b/c I'm a boy, lmao!

I kid, I kid...kinda...I may not be the best person to ask how do you know when a girl's not that into you b/c I'm never into anyone + I don't like to do stuff most girls like to do...but I'll try to think more like a girl & less like...well...myself.

When she doesn't know that you're into her...see girls are kinda different even if they aren't into you they still want to think that you would be into them even though they aren't even into you...wait maybe that's how guys & shallow girls are...idk!
Well I think when a girl doesn't know that you're into here its easier to tell when she's not into you...girls for the most part are touchy-feely however sometimes when they are into someone they won't be...so depending on how she hugs you...is it a friendly hug like upper body hug or is it more physical, like full body.
Oh here's a big one...does she talk to other guys in front of you, she's definitely NOT into you if she will talk to another guy in front of you, unless he's gay, that's really disrespectful anyways! So you may want to reconsider her, she's trife!
If she tries to hook you up w/other girls.
If she talks to you about other guys, like not really getting your opinion but just in conversation "so on so does this & that & blah blah"...but if she kinda wants your opinion a lot, that maybe an indicator that she's into you.
If she will only text you...now even I must say that @ some point, if I like someone, I want to talk to them on the phone sometimes.

This is when she knows you like her...
When she only wants to hang out w/you if someone else, like another friend, probably mutual, is there as well.
When she actually would prefer that you not pay for her...food...or whatever.
When she acts distant.
When she feels less comfortable around you.
When she tells you she doesn't want to ruin your friendship.
When you kiss her or attempt to & she pulls back or doesn't allow it to happen again.

When she says...she's just not that into you...that's what I would do!

A regular girl should do this...I'm too uh...idk...different...but hey whatever...girls don't play games as much as guys @ least not in this regard...you will usually know when a girl doesn't like you.

Signing off,

~S. Parks

I Confess...I'm a Swinger!

2009-01-12T22:55:00.006-06:00

When I tell you I'm the moodiest person I know.
I think its b/c I'm super sensitive but I learned to turn that sensitivity into apathy but sometimes random shit will tick me off & then that same thing may not even shake me 2 days l8r or hell 2 days prior.
I know, I'm a strange character. I don't even know how people deal w/me sometimes, lol, here's the thing...I don't even care. Most times I don't like nobody anyways & those I do like if they left today I have convinced myself I'd be over it tomorrow. I swear I think I don't need anyone except Jesus (but Lord please don't turn this into a test & throw me out into the world by my lonesome, thanks!)!

I think text books call this: a defense mechanism.

Ahh higher education, surely does come in handy *rolls eyes*

Common sense: the more you grow...the more you know & the 1st step in the know is admission.
I've admitted & now I'm content.

Goodbye.

~Shanette the Great!
I'm still fabulous, flaws & all!
Deal w/it!

Permanently Blue.

2009-01-10T10:10:00.006-06:00

Fact-I've been in love once & it may just be the only thing I regret in life...sure it's contributed to the person I am today, but I'm not so sure that the person I am today wouldn't be just as great as the person I would've been pre-"in love" & post-"heartbroken girl." Besides, I don't think I'm 1 of those people who believes it's better to have loved & loss than never loved @ all b/c frankly I think I'd be pretty fucking fabulous either way...I mean I'm just saying...

okay moving on...

Fact-I still love him & I'm certain I always will.

Fact-I'm not bitter...I'm jaded.

Fact-I miss him...but I can't quite recall why.

SO...today I was thinking about relationships & stuff & how when they are ending its like the seconds turn into hours & the days to months...the closing last soooo freaking long or so it seems, but technically only a day would've actually passed. Omg! I remember the exact moment I realized I was in love, lol, it was like an epiphany! I literally ran into the bathroom, put my head in a towel & cried & screamed (I knew there was no turning back)! It was a roller-coaster of emotions all wrapped into 1 single, solitary moment. Oh but when the walls came tumbling down around me & that feeling turned me into a prisoner, I wondered if I could 1st save me...btw-why as women do we always tend to blame ourselves when disaster strikes???...anyways, once I figured I wasn't the problem (well not entirely)...I tried to fix "us" & when that didn't work I tried to fix him. In all the unsuccessful fixing I was doing, I had no idea I was working alone. I was just so caught up, I couldn't see that there was nothing I could alone, to "save" whatever it was I was trying to save & in the process I was not only wasting time I was breaking down, running thin & making it worse. Ahhh the things we do for love...man, its crazy. I've been involved w/people before & after him, but I've never been willing to sacrifice myself for someone like that...so when I think of him I think not of the things he put me through but the things I put myself through & I realize I'll always be black & blue...for you, permanently...ugh!

Enjoy the song...I ♥ it...my post continues after the vid.

I hate to say I'm damaged...bruised sounds better, just like I hate to say I'm bitter...jaded sounds cooler.

What's cool about heartbreak? Not a fucking thing...except...the COMEBACK!

& trust me I'm a beast w/mines!

Ahh...but...there's a catch...

...I'm a beast who's scared of love.

Humph.

~Shanette Renea

(I'm certain I'll love again, but never will I sacrifice myself to do so...no one will ever get all of me again, it's just too dangerous besides I'm too cool for that...gotta keep some for yourself b/c trust me they ain't giving you all of them & if they are good for you b/c you have the upper-hand!)

Hungry for Life, Living in '09!

2009-01-01T12:23:00.004-06:00

I don't usually do resolutions & goals & stuff, but hey maybe its time for a change!

So for the '09 here's some things I want & need to get done, settled, accomplished, completed, whathaveyou...:

Get that credit in order!
A new car-preferably a CTS, H3, LandRover, or G35
A condo
My degree & transcript in hand!
A satisfying career
A closer relationship w/God
Read 20, @ the least, books this year
Start on my own book
Step my fashion game up 2 notches: buy a designer dress & designer shoes
Travel more: CALI, NYC, CHI, NOLA, ATL, HOU, Jamaica, St. Thomas, oversees
Blog more
Love again, lol, I know, close your mouths.
Prepare for medical school-yes I'm going!
Save 5 stacks
Pay my bills on time
Lose 15 lbs.
Pray & read the bible more
Pamper myself more
Curse less
Okay, this is big, even BIGger than the love thing...I'm getting a weave! I know right-I'm so anti weave just like I'm anti-love...well I'm 25 honey & shit changes! I want long hair, don't care :-P lol!
Stop wasting time on folk who don't matter.
Take myself less seriously
Laugh more
Spend wisely
Pay my tithes-faithfully
Invest in properties-NOLA
Maybe move out of town, I'm reevalutaing
Listen to the Lord, all the time & let Him guide my path!

I'm hungry for life & ready to live again!

I'm SO ON @ 25 baby & this is going to be the best year yet!

'09 is SO very much MINE!

...saith the Lord!

CHURCH!

~S. Parks

Happy '09 tricks!

Better, Best, & Not so Greats of '08!

2008-12-31T10:13:00.002-06:00

I never do these kinds of list, but I felt compelled b/c 2008 was definitely a notable year!

The 'Not So Gr8s', lets leave em in '08:

The Recession

the Auto-tune phenomenon

Sarah Palin-I'm not impressed @ all!

2.8 mill jobs lost

J-hud's personal losses

not moving to NYC...I'll get there though, don't you worry!

the term "h8rs", i think its whack

the wars of the world

stupid boys & sorry men, ugh! I'll pass!

Let us proceed w/the better/bests lists (in no particular order):

Best comeback: Brit Brit Spears

Toughest on the Grind: Lil Wayne

Best New Artist: Jazmine Sullivan

Hautest Celeb: Rihanna hands DOWN

Fave Album(s): Beyonce-I Am...Sasha Fierce (The bitch brought it okay, not even being biased, cus y'all know I ♥ her), DK-Dollhouse, Ye-808s & Heartbreak (I'm being biased b/c it wasn't in my top faves, but he my nigga though so that's what that is), Lil Wayne-Carter iii

Fave Songs: Young Jeezy feat. Kanye West-I Put On, T.I. feat Rihanna-Live Your Life, MIA-Paper Planes, Estelle-American Boy, Pink-So What

Fave Movie(s): Sex & the City, The Dark Knight

Fave Shows: Gossip Girls, Project Runway (I became a fan again, best & last season ever!), Fringe, The Hills, Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is (We ♥ you, Frankie! HOLLA!!!)

Biggest Come-up: Solange, I like her.

Fun Times: My #1s made it to their 1st birthdays!; The Summer w/KarmCharm; Quarter-Century Celebration; Banana memories

MORE THAN A CONQUEROR: BARACK OBAMA, WE ARE HISTORY, BABY!!! I just want to say God is an awesome God, indeed...on so many levels I look @ this as a not only a racial victory, an American victory, a world victory even, but most importantly a spiritual win, this was God's plan...just look @ the race & look @ how the win played out, it was more than a win it was a slaying, a slaying of giants who thought they were just that giants, but giants can be slayed too, as they were & they feel hard! I love my God!

Woman of the Year: Michelle Obama, its obvious she is the force behind the man, not only is she her own person in her own right, she is within him & he within her & you can see that in all of their interactions or even when they are apart...all this while rearing 2 lovely girls! She's beautiful b/c she's inspiring, she's intelligent & she's HAUTE! I ♥ it!!!

Oh & here's 1 wtf?! of '08 just as a reminder of the state of the world:

A man had a baby (w/a 2nd on the way!)..."we living in the last days, baby!" ~My Gram

Whether it was good or bad, it was worth seeing & I thank God for allowing me to see yet another year, but frankly 09 is all the way mine. I've said it, I've claimed it & so it is saith the Lord! CHURCH! TABERNACLE! AMEN!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

~S. Parks

Be! Patient. Love?

2008-12-17T00:26:00.004-06:00

Post brought to you in part by Kanye West's Coldest Winter-808s & Heartbreak

Shouts out to all the people in love, y'all some suckas, lol, just playing!

Fa real though this post is for the people who aren't in love but have been in love...
Don't you sometimes ask yourself if you'll ever love again?
I was just thinking man its been like 5 years since I've been in love. I'm sure to some people that sounds sad & I guess it would be if I cared that much, but I don't, though I'm a special case so I'll try to speak a bit more general. I guess loving & losing is not an easy thing to deal with when you're really in love. When I was in love, it was the best place to be, but I never saw past it, hence when the future of not being in love became my present I couldn't deal & chose to remain in the past. Most people do it, they focus on the past in hopes of it reincarnating in the future, however 9 times out of 10, that does not happen. Either things get better or they get worse, but they don't remain the same that's for sure. Unfortunately for me they changed for the worse & I think I lost a little hope I had in the future, hence affecting my present.

What do I mean?
I mean I can't really open myself up to love today b/c of my past which is totally unfair to my future & whether I care to admit it or not I'm suffering, maybe not physically but definitely emotionally. Relationships are an aspect of life we need just like we need food & water. It makes us better, eventually. What people don't recognize is that in the toughest times, in your seemingly lowest moments, your worst days...you grow the most, you fight the hardest & you transform into a better you, if you use that time to your advantage. Every situation in life has its positives & its negatives. Of course initially its easiest to dwell on the negatives but its in the positives we discover who we are.

I've grown so much this year & I'm ready for a new & better Shanette in 2009, I'm ready...so if y'all ain't ready, get back, cus I put on...for myself, lol!

What am I saying?
I'm saying take all the seemingly negatives you experienced this year, make peace & let them go. Reflect on the positives & move forward. Laugh a lot. Live for you. & Love for Him.
Love for you too...I remember that when I loved more & hated less, omg, I was the best version of myself, real talk. I'm not saying go jump into love. I'm just saying don't turn your back on it, b/c in love we were created, its apart of us. We need love to live. Think about it. Try loving yourself if you haven't tried that thus far. Try loving God, simply b/c he first love you! Then maybe try loving someone else, in spite of...

Be open to the possibilities, it is in the openness you find opportunity.
Be patient with love, in patience you find peace.
Be you for in you, you find love & in love you find life!

While you can't be foolish, everyone plays the fool sometimes, @ least one time. Don't fight it, its inevitable, essential for living, good living!

Keep on living,

~Shanette Renea

Forever & a day...

2008-12-09T22:25:00.001-06:00

I know, I know...its been a while...just haven't been in the mood to write...well really I've just been lazy! Shame, shame!!!

Anyways, let's see...there's so many things I have to get out of my head...but 1st I'll start w/something Novi had in her status last week, that I commented on & she asked me to elaborate on here...so here I go...

She said or quoted "you can close your eyes from the things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart from the things you don't want to feel."

Now you know I disagree.
I definitely feel like you can control your emotions to a certain extent. Sure somethings just happen & you get caught up & feelings just rush over you like a tidal wave...but really how often does that happen...sounds more like an orgasm than falling in love anyways & actually I'd prefer the 1st as opposed to the latter.
Anyways, sometimes people create these fantasies in their heads & they play them out in real life & find that that shit they made up in their head ain't hardly not real. Its like you want something to be real so bad, you actually believe it is or it can be & that may or may not be true.
I mean what if its your mind talking rather than your heart...or frankly what if its your sex drive talking rather than your mind...& vice-versa. I mean how do you know when its really real??? That's why I keep my love locked down baby & when I say I keep it locked tight...its SUPER tight, Jesus prolly be looking for it every now & then (joking). I just don't believe people when they say you can't control the heart...it does what it does & I suppose those same people don't believe me when I say that I can & do control my shit ALL the time.

You know what I'm not anti-love...in fact I love is absolutely beautiful but in the wrong hands its deadly & I just can't have the vitality of life dependent upon whether someone can/can't control their feelings...so you know what I do the work myself...I work extra hard to control my own damn feelings. That way while you're off drop feelings like its bird shit on every one's soul, I've got the armor of God shielding that shit (you'll prolly get that l8r, ponder awhile)!

I'm just saying who can you trust these days...sure my soul, as Bey, would say is cold, but I'd rather it be cold than sold chile...& by sold I really mean stole...n...

When you trust others with your most prize possession like your soul or your heart & they get in your mind, well what else do you have left, how can you know what's real & fake, what's better or worse, what's right & wrong...when its time to give & when its time to GO!
Idk, & I'm still a work in progress, I guess as my trust grows in the Lord I won't be as concerned about man, b/c I know @ some point in life everyone lets someone down & that's just real but when you have Jesus, all that other stuff really don't matter. Of course we will still be hurt & disappointed & disgusted, but thank the Lord it won't be the end of the world!

All I'm saying is watch who you give your ♥ to, b/c they don't always give it back...

~S. Parks
(look Novi...I got trust & the heart thing all in 1...sweet!)

Secrets

2008-11-16T02:54:00.002-06:00

Question: Why do we keep secrets?

I used to be one of those people who thought you should have someone in your life that you would not keep a secret from, but as I've grown & matured I've discovered you can't tell anyone everything, you know? Sometimes it's just good to have something for yourself. Though that really has nothing to do w/what I've been thinking about.

Well it does kinda…

I mean what makes people keep secrets? How do you decide that this thing is worth withholding…@ risk of say hurting feelings, or sacrificing a relationship, or damaging your dignity?

Are secrets the same as lies?

Idk really…I just know as an adult we make decisions & choices…some not so easy to make, but that's the price of being an adult & as an adult you can't shy away from things b/c it inconveniences you. Consider the next time you decide to keep a "secret" if it will be more detrimental to tell or to keep the secret. Consider whether if the person (s) kept the same or similar secret from you how you would feel. Then decide whether you're being selfish or genuine in your secret keeping or secret telling. The revelation may surprise you.

Idk. I was just thinking about how people just do what they want sometimes w/no regard for others nor situations.

Guess that's life.

Is it your life?

Idk.

Think about it though.

My theoretical answer: b/c its convenient (that's the answer to a lot of 'whys').

~S. Parks

Ready or Not, Here I Come...25!!!

2008-10-25T19:30:00.000-05:00

Guess I'm ready cus if I ain't it's a coming anyhow!
LOL!
Well guess what I ain't hardly ready (of course I blame Memphis), but Imma roll like I am.
I swear I didn't see 25 looking like this, but then again I didn't see yesterday looking like that so hey who's to say anymore...
I do know this though, 25 is something serious & I'm done playing, its either now or never & I can't do never...so looks like its NOW!
Watch out bitches I'm coming...the TAKEOVER!!!
Pray for me!

Happy Birthday Scorpios!
Give it to em hard!!!

In the words of Frankie, "Tyra Mail! Picture Me Rolling! HOLLA!"
LMAO!

XoXo,

Shanette Renea, all day!
;)
"Yo swag owe my swag everything!"

Packing em on for Pleasure!

2008-10-05T11:17:00.000-05:00

I think sex is making me fat!!! BITCH!
You know like wide & thick & shit...YUCK!!!

I swear I refuse to be fat but gotdamn @ the cost of no sex?!
The gift & the curse!!!

DILEMMA!!!

Again, I blame Memphis, lol!

Pray for me!

Cost Efficient.

2008-09-30T21:28:00.000-05:00

Settling=convenient.

Quality=patience.

Convenience is usually cheap or (seemingly) affordable @ the time, while Quality is usually priceless.

Think about the above statements for a moment.

In a time when $$$ is more crucial than ever…let's not forget about our personal lives & well-being…they too have a price tag, that is self-determined.

So…when exactly is settling worth it???

I was thinking about that today. I was @ work, Banana, & I was talking w/a manager, Lisa, who commented on the pants I was wearing…"I like those pants, where'd you get em?" I said (b/c I clearly don't know how to take compliments that well) "I hate these pants, the color is awful!" She said, "well why'd you buy em?!" I said "b/c our pants are too expensive for me to have to order online, pay shipping & not be able to get my discount until they arrive…just impatient!" That made me think about how I do that so often…especially w/clothes…b/c I'm tall…I'm like really tall guys…& it kinda sucks sometimes…everyone thinks it's so gr8 b/c, well it kinda is + tall is really "in" right now…but it's not all cum & giggles. I have to search HIGH & low for pants that fit & are cute & not a fortune…same goes for shoes…just think for a minute how the possibilities for you are endless when buying shoes, like you don't even think about it really…if you like it & can buy it, you do so…well I know 9/10 I can never buy shit!!! SUCKS!

Anyways, back to the point, as a result of that misfortune, I sometimes settle for things, that don't really fit as well as they should, don't really compliment as well as I would like, not as cute as it could be, cost too much $ for what it is…but I settle anyhow, b/c I'd rather have something now as opposed to waiting for whatever I really want to come, for whatever reason. Thing is, is that really benefitting me…long-term? Or is it hurting me now? I know this is just clothes & shoes were talking, although both are like a super BIG deal to me, we can bring this to more real life situations.

Dating for instance, since that's a pretty common element of life.

Think about the times you've dated or even gone as far as committed to a relationship w/someone who was clearly not complimenting you. Let's be realistic, a relationship is supposed to be of benefit to both parties…where one lacks, the other sustains, vice versa, & where you both lack you both grown "together." I know that sounds idealistic, but it's the truth as to how you are supposed to think when dating someone. However, often times we found ourselves settling, for the right now as opposed to waiting for the "right one." Taking a moment to dissect the "right one," he/she is deemed right based on the individuals involved, it's not always about how a person looks…it's about the entire package, in & out. The "right one" is based on you, what you think is right for you & sometimes what you think is right, you'll find ain't always what it is…but it's good to learn what does & doesn't work before getting into more complicated situations, I think. Anyway, there are so many factors that play into the "right one" & timing, to me, is a BIG factor…let's take my own recent experience. "2nd chance" was seemingly perfect, but the timing was just off...I couldn't make it work & he couldn't make me...but I feel like if right is right, I wouldn't need to be forced I would want what was right...right?

You can pray for what you think is the "right one" & let's say you get him/her but not quite the way you had planned…it's like they're perfect except for one thing…one thing you can't seem to shake. Does that mean they are the one? Does that mean your prayer has been answered but just not the manner in which you'd hoped? Does that mean what you think you want is not what you need? Does that mean settle for what you can get b/c you're afraid of what else might come?

I'm not going to BS you; I really don't know…b/c sometimes settling ain't terrible, if it gets the job done, it just depends on whether or not the waiting would've been worth it. I'm really not in a complicated situation @ the moment. In fact mines is pretty simple (kinda) b/c I'm not emotionally involved, but it could get complicated if I allowed it to do such, but I won't. I know I'm settling & for now I deal…no I'm not really okay w/it, but hey that's life, sometimes we're involved in shit we don't wanna be involved in, but as long as you can get out, @ any moment, w/no love loss, then you're good. It's when you start to think that settling is your only option, that convenience becomes a problem. It's when you become deluded in thinking that your current situation is the best it can be, b/c it seems so right except for that one little (GIGANTIC) thing that you just can't seem to shake. Though my situation now is simple, the previous one w/"2^nd Chance" was not so much. The lack of communication & the ambiguity w/parties was recipe for disaster. It wasn't really settling or waiting on either parts, but it seemed as such. Now guess what "2^nd Chance" is engaged to be married…who's settling now…hmmm.

Have you settled for what looks/feels good right now, b/c for whatever reason, you're not willing to wait it out, for that "right one?"

Maybe you're just not ready…or you just aren't certain…or you can only do what you're doing, maybe it's just convenient to settle sometimes.

I know settling has such negative connotation, when we hear we automatically think well that person taking less than what they deserve, but maybe what they think they deserve isn't what they want…@ the moment.

Or.
Maybe I'm making excuses for the things we do…the things we do…as people…some strange shit sometimes.

Well do what you do, just make sure that what you do is nothing short of being you.

Never compromise who you are for someone else b/c I'm fairly certain they would NOT do the same for YOU!

~S. Parks

I don't settle b/c its fun I settle b/c it gets the job done. Real talk.

I blame Memphis.

System Overload!

2008-09-19T21:45:00.002-05:00

I’m not loving you, way I wanted to.
What I had to do, had to run from you.
I’m in love w/you but the vibe is wrong & that haunted me all the way home.
So you never know, never never know, never know enough till it’s over love.
Till we lose control!
SYSTEM OVERLOAD!
Screaming NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
I’m not loving you, way I wanted to.
See I wanna move, but can’t escape from you.
So I keep it low, keep a secret cold.
So everybody else don’t have to know.
…
So keep your love locked down.
Your love locked down.
Now keep your love locked down.
…

You lose.

I’m not loving you way, I wanted to.
I can’t keep my cool so I keep it true.
I got something to lose. So I gotta move.
I can’t keep myself & still keep you too.
…

How many times did I tell you before it finally got through!

YOU LOSE!
You lose.
…
I’m not loving you way I wanted to…
No more wasting time, you can’t wait for life.
We’re just wasting time.
Where’s the finish line?
…
So keep your love locked down.
…
I’m not loving you way I wanted to.
Where I wanna go, I don’t need you.
I’ve been down this road too many times before.
I’m not loving you way I wanted to.

KEEP YOUR LOVE LOCKED DOWN!

You lose.

~S. Parks
Courtesy of Mr. Kanye West, the GREAT & my fave!
I couldn’t have said it better if I tried & I did try & I came up kinda short & harsh.

So this MY Reply to “Who’s Gonna Save My Soul”

(MY real Reply: Save your own damn soul!)

Cross My Mind

2008-09-19T00:00:00.002-05:00

Have I done this one already???
Well, you were just running cross my mind, again.
Too bad I don’t like you enough to call, text, nor e-mail…but if you only knew…you were just running cross my mind…
Ah.
I miss you.
What we were.
How you were…before...w/me, in me…
In my bed, indirectly in my head…you lived in my head.
In my thoughts you lie still & strong…present, yet so wrong…
…but if this is wrong I don’t want to be…
To be right, it felt.
So right, every time you came near.
Igniting my soul afire w/your presence right here.
If only I could find that same passion…outside of you.
In him.
Yeah…I was just thinking about you…wondering if I were near you again…what I would do?
Nah.
Not after all this time.
Could you?
Can you?
Still…ignite me?
You did know me so well…you really had me…w/just your presence…
W/just your touch.
W/just your kiss.
…your feel…
…your coming…back…to me???
Now that’s NUTZ!
Too bad I don’t like you enough to call, text, nor e-mail…
I do miss you though…the you before you.
I just remember what we used to do…
How amazing!

~S. Parks

Feel Me?!

2008-09-18T22:54:00.005-05:00

When a girl grows up…she realizes what she likes…what she wants…what she needs…
To be honest...I really like affection.
I miss intimacy.
I like it when sweet things are said to me when I least suspect it.
I want to blush b/c of some lame compliment given to me.
I need to feel again.
I want to like someone enough to hold their hand in public.
I miss wanting to talk to someone all the time.
I want to fall asleep on his couch & wake up in his bed.
I like to go fast.
I want to go slow.
I need to feel again.
I like to be liked.
I want to miss someone even when they aren’t gone.
I need to be touched.
I like wanting more.
I want to feel needed again.
I need to feel again.
I’m not always cold.
I like being warm.
I just miss liking someone enough to let them melt that ice away.
I don’t want to think about it…I just like…I just want…I just need…a kiss.

~Shanette Renea

What are YOU Sowing?

2008-09-11T00:43:00.002-05:00

Hey guys & gals,

Sorry I’ve been away for so long…I don’t really have an excuse…I just haven’t really felt like writing (or typing so to speak).

I’m back now though & that’s all that matters is the present, right? Right.
So the other day I was reading this month’s Ebony magazine w/Tyler Perry on the cover, a mag which I rarely read-btw, was surprisingly quite good overall.

I really enjoyed this particular article, "What are you Sowing," about Ms. Tasha Smith, best known for her role in his (Tyler Perry) movie Why Did I Get Married? Amongst other movies, as well as appearances on TV shows like Tyra Banks’ ANTM, she’s the chick who kinda always seems to have a really fucked up attitude (in the characters she portrays).

Anyways, in this article she talks about how she was that girl who always had a bad attitude, that girl who’s always getting into it w/people & blaming them for the confrontations, that girl who always thinks she’s right & ain’t tryna hear shit nobody got to say…until she did some re-evaluating, some self-discovery & found that she was the problem. The energy she was putting out there was in turn manifesting itself in her life & how others treated her…how ironic huh?! I think that’s what they call karma.

Basically she was reaping what she was sowing? All that negative energy she was displacing was bouncing right back onto her w/o even realizing it…her unhappiness, her inability to forgive, to let go & let God was inhibiting her growth, her progression, her destiny. Not until she took responsibility for her own actions & moved beyond her hurt & forgave & forgot those who had wronged her in the past, did she move forward & become the success she is today. She found self-love…the key ingredient to being happy…it starts from within! The contentment she sought after & confusingly mistook for something she could find in things or other people, was within herself all along. She then began to spread that joy, just b/c it made her feel good to make others feel great & so the cycle continues…

That article was all too familiar to me b/c I was, still kinda am that girl.
I was once known to have a wretched attitude, it isn’t the best as of yet, but it has come a long way, but I can see myself reverting to my old habits, my old mentality, my old attitude b/c of situations or things that I seemingly can’t control?

It’s hard to see beyond the obvious sometimes, by that I mean, as human beings we waver in our faith, in our commitment to our promises, in our ability to remain steadfast in what we know to be the means for greatness. We like to shortcut, to blame, to forget who we are...in God...what we’re capable of & the power we possess! We sometimes let the world, society & even the company we keep, dictate how we view our lives, as it should/shouldn’t be. We falsely base our happiness on what we can see & touch vs. what we believe & how we feel.

I know I am a work in progress & as I rapidly approach the BIG 2 5, I’m reminding myself daily that just b/c I can’t see my success, I still have to see my success. I have to believe it to be so & live as such. Being unhappy until… Being bitter until… Being temperamental until… I’ll never make it past the until…I will always be waiting, allowing myself to get in the way of my destiny!

That can’t be my life, that’s not the life I had planned! That’s not the life I’ve worked hard for! Most importantly that’s not the life that God wants for me, that he has for me & that’s the only thing that keeps me focused!

If I’ve learned anything in my time in Memphis it’s that life doesn’t always work the way we would like it, but it’s better when we roll w/it & do it w/a smile, otherwise you’ll be miserable forever & I’m far too fly to be miserable, makes you age fast & die young & I’ve got too much to do w/my life, how about you?!

So my advice would be (if this @ all applies to you in some form or fashion), fake it till you make it…I’m not saying don’t be you b/c you know I’m a firm believer in the realness baby…like Plies says “I went to sleep real, woke up realer!” I’m just saying put out there what you want back, don’t be so judgmental, so critical, so arrogant, and so bitchy that you can’t recognize the next person’s swagger & how they can benefit you, that you can’t bless someone else that you can’t be pleasant, encourage others…recognizing greatness in others doesn’t negate your greatness, it makes you greater!

All I’m saying is the power is within…think it, feel it, speak it, do it!
…guess it’s about time I start taking my own advice…the hardest thing to do!
I can preach all day bay but can hardly follow the rules…I’m on it though…getting too old for the foolishness anyways!

Anywhoo…

Be Happy. Love you. Spread the love. & Give God the glory always & forever!

~Shanette R. Parks

Wal-greens Peppermints!

2008-08-14T18:28:00.001-05:00

This has been the most unstable summer I’ve ever experienced in my 24 years of living.

It’s been just short of awful. Though I try not to complain, it’s difficult to not think about my situation as it is vs. what I think it should be.

It’s hard to grasp that I am still in such a “dead” place, when all I want to do is live.

I just want to be.
Free. Independent. Self-sufficient. &. Happy.
I wonder if that’s too much to want.
I think not.
I think there is so much more to my life than even I can’t imagine.

I’m so nervous about this 25th birthday that’s rapidly approaching in just shy of 2 months.
That alone is lighting a serious fire under my tail.

True…things could be worse…but to me this is pretty bad.
I can’t think of worse…for me though (but that's not say I wanna see any worse...Lord Have Mercy!!!).

I’m happy summer is coming to a close, but I’m disappointed I’m still in place I promised myself I would be gone from by this time. Clearly God has other plans. Or maybe I’m not being very cooperative on my end. Whatever the case…I’m seriously on my shit from now until that fine day.

At this point I will go anywhere…do pretty much anything to get away from here.
I can’t really explain properly w/o sounding ungrateful or negative, how bad this sucks, or how miserable I am.

I know that I have a good life. I know that I am blessed. I know that I am rich.
If only my interpretation of success would align itself w/my current status…I might be okay.
If only I would appreciate more & complain less.
If only I would see now my life to come & subtract myself from the obvious…I might be okay.
All I can do is work harder. Stay focused & pray. That’s all I got.
Cus in a minute I’ll be in somebody’s mental institution.

I should probably go back to the library. Feed my mind. Organize my thoughts. Write more. Get a handle on the things I want, need, & must do in order to be where I need to be. There is a lot that I need to work on w/myself…so I guess while I have plenty of time…I’ll do me & eat my Walgreens peppermints…they & God & idiot-Karmen have helped me cope w/my Summertime Blues!

I know life ain’t always easy. I know this b/c mine has been far from such. I motivate myself by saying my future life has to be great b/c this current & past life has surely been a rough one…my strength amazes me sometimes…God amazes me all the time!

On that note…enjoy the rest of your summer & I’ll try to do the same.

BE. FREE.

~S. Parks

Haute/Not!

2008-08-05T11:56:00.008-05:00

I stole this idea from the good folks over @ Chic & Untroubled!

Its like a list of what's in/out...

So I made my own list...cus you know my motto...I'm haute, you bitches ain't hardly cool! :)

Aight...so...let start w/NOT or Not so much:

antm...as much as i ♥ eva-diva & a few other winners (& contestants)...antm is so not haute...anymore...give up the ghost tyra!

having babies & getting married...what is this 1945?! (celebs included)

jesse jackson-gtfoh sir & all u other uncle tom muthafuckas...there's a new sheriff in town...i'll tell u about him l8r (ref:haute list #5)!

this weather! GOTSDAYUM!!! Its hot as fuck outside!!! Go away Summer-come back another day!

& last but def not least MEMPHIS-Lord help me on today & every other I reside in this DUMP!!!

Honorable mention-& even this hurts my (invisible) feelings, Beyonce'-yes boo...you thru (not really-we just need a break), now go sit down...we'll miss u though, come back to us in 5!
btw-is Solo aka Solange on the up & up??? Hmmm...

YAY-Hautes-I'm better @ these:

the cw-yep i stole it-i couldn't not! They are on the come up-i'm anxiously awaiting September & all my oldies but goodies that shall return & all the new shit poppin...well 90210 is not really new, now is it? "stylista", seems cool though, i'll give it a go, in spite of tyra-she gets on my nerves-but i can't knock her hustle.

RIH-RIH!!! Okay. Isn't obvious, she's so on the up & up. This bitch's style is raw & that's all I got to say about that! (oh I like her songs too-sometimes-lol)

yellow-its fun, its warm (in hue), its haute....buy you some-if you're afraid-start slow w/nail polish (my nails are actually lime green today...oooh YUMMY!

colored pumps...i'm telling u wear a different, random even, colored pump w/your suit (i'm talking to girls, obviously) & watch that bitch work. head turner! oooow!

OBAMA-& that's all I gots to say about that-you better act like u knew!

*Honorable mention-boys who aren't afraid of girls like me...i love it!
**Honorable mention ii-blue-i've never been into blue, but i swear its making a serious comeback...like cobalt...not navy though...it washes me out. (& purple's back too-i still likey...my Mom's fav color ever in life!!! She LOVESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS it!!!)

So anyways, that my list...hope you're hauter than not, if not, do something about it!!!

Enjoy the rest of your haute ass summer :)

Cya

"I'm ain't kinda haute; I'm sauna!"
~WeezyF.Baby/The Carter iii

~Sdotter always making it hauter!

The Word for YOU, on Today!

2008-08-05T10:48:00.000-05:00

"Don't let the world ... squeeze you into its own mould." Romans 12:2 PHP

Take Charge of Your Life!

Do you feel like you no longer control your own life? Like life's running you instead of you running it? That's because you're in the passenger seat, conforming to people, events and circumstances. They're in the driver's seat, not you. No wonder your frustration level is high and your contentment level is low. "Don't let the world ... squeeze you into its own mould." If you're feeling, "squeezed," you've two options.

(a) Remain a conformer, or become a transformer. Either choose to stay in the passenger seat, or get behind the wheel. The Bible says, "Do not be conformed to this world" (Rom 12:2 NKJV). Instead be transformed into the proactive, faith-driven person God meant you to be. (b) Take charge of your life by "renewing your mind." Instead of struggling to change the people and circumstances around you, change how you think and what you tell yourself. The Greek word for renewing means "to align your thoughts with God's." Abandon those self-defeating thoughts that tell you "you're not, you can't, and you'll never be able to." God says: "You are, you can, and you certainly will be able to," because of His indwelling power! John writes, "This is the victory that conquers the world - our faith" (1Jn 5:4 NCV). Go to God's Word! Discover what He says about the things that intimidate and control you, then pull the plug on them. The Word for you today is: "Don't be afraid ... I am your God. I will make you strong ... I will support you" (Isa 41:10 NCV). Align your thoughts with God's thoughts. Get into the driver's seat and take charge of your life!

Gnarls Barkley-"Who's Gonna Save My Soul?"

2008-07-31T19:32:00.001-05:00

"Look familiar?"

So...uh...say somebody sent you this w/that caption @ the top...how exactly do you respond to something like that...no wait...how do you even digest something like that???
I mean hypothetically speaking of course...

~Sdot

"Its In Your Mouth!"

2008-07-29T10:50:00.001-05:00

Bishop Donald Hilliard
You are snared by the words of your mouth; You are taken by the words of your mouth. Proverbs 6:2 (NKJV) Your breakthrough is in your mouth! There are some areas in all of our lives that have been dry for a long time. You might be reading this and your marriage is dry. Perhaps your relationships are dry. Your financial situation is dry. Your health is bad. Your mind is troubled. Your emotions are shattered. Or your nerves are on edge. But God is saying if you are going to be delivered, if change is going to come, if revival is going to come, it's in your mouth. It's not up to God. It is up to you. What do you say about it? What do you say about the situation you are in? You can prophesy your own destruction or you can declare that you will live and not die. You can declare that health is yours. Prosperity is yours. Joy is yours. You can prophesy that your marriage will work. You will get that job. You will get whatever God has in store for you. No devil in hell can stop it. God said it, so declare it. Your victory is in your mouth. Precious Savior, I am in a situation in which it appears that there is no hope. I'm pressed on every side; everything seems to be falling apart in my life. But I thank you for the power of declaration. Your word says that I am snared by the words of my mouth. I am taken by the words of my mouth. Your word also says that whatever things I ask for when I pray, I should believe that I receive them, and I will have them. Father, I believe your word because your word is true. I therefore declare boldly that I will have all that you have for me, my situation will turn around, my outlook is bright,and I will live and not die. My future is bright because I trust in you!

Amen.

(We all need a little upliftment from time to time...actually I need everyday w/the kind of summer I'm having but fortunately I'm a strong believer in what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger...so I reckon I'm as tuff as I come off, lol!)

Good day folks,

Shanette

The. Blues.

2008-07-26T12:23:00.000-05:00

I’m everything that I’m not.
My vision is skewed.
My thoughts are select.
My movement is slow.
I don’t know how to explain it.
My words aren’t good enough.
If only I was an artist, I’d paint it.
On a white canvas. I’d paint you yellow, warm, like the sun.
Shining through me w/your heart beating red, like a drum.
I’d paint me blue for the cool I chose over you.
I can’t explain it.
My words aren’t good enough.
If only I was a musician, I’d play it.
In a large venue. I’d play you. A flat. B Sharp.
Through the notes.
My heart diffuses.
Into the room.
Filling their souls w/my blues.
I can’t explain it.
My words aren’t good enough.
If only I was a dancer, I’d show it.
On the streets of gold…slowly I’d dance until I couldn’t anymore.
Sensually spinning around the thought of you.
Out of my limbs comes the truth.
I’ve got the blues for you.
I guess that’s how you explain it.
I write it. I paint it. I play it. I move it.

The. Blues.

~Shanette

Big? Banking

2008-07-21T01:21:00.000-05:00

Boys are like the stock market...fickle & full of it!
Isn’t it funny how men (in general) don’t really like change; however you can’t really depend on them?
Isn’t it quite convenient how they make women seem unstable yet were the more responsible (again, in general) of the sex?

I was just thinking about how women go into situations investing so much of them b/c that’s just the nature of the woman. We get too involved too fast…unlike the man, who will hardly even commit to one woman, but they can be a die heart fan of a sports team from birth till death. Don’t you think that’s crazy?! I mean will literally go to war for some team, some players, some colors they don’t get paid for, they aren’t related to, they don’t even fucking know…is that not the strangest thing? I mean really, think about it…the commitment phoebes are only phobic when it’s convenient, no? Hell yeah, I’m right!

I’ve learned in my short 24 years of living…maybe a little earlier than I should have, that you canNOT depend on a nigga for shit! You can depend on their unpredictability, their inconsistencies, their fallacies, their flaws, but can never really depend on them to come through, every time...most of the time…the time when it counts. That’s not to say that women don’t default on promises, but it’s very rare that you will find a woman w/little to no conscious who can cold-heartedly hurt those she cares about or loves, it’s just not the nature of a woman. This is the trip part, most women don’t even have to really know a man to love him or to care about him, especially a black man…we just have a spiritual connection that hardly allows us to turn our back on a man…again…it's just not in our nature.

Well, I, myself, am cut from a different cloth. I’m a different type of girl (becoming a woman) & my life experiences have made me a very apathetic, insensitive & no-non-sense individual, especially when it comes to men…I just don’t give a nigga naan break…for what? They aren’t even worth the trouble honey & I just don’t have time for the bullshit…unless I choose to make time. If a man thinks he may have (slick) gotten to/over on me, TRUST, he’s not doing anything I’m not allowing…b/c I don’t trust niggas to do shit but be niggas...so why not beat them to the punch-that's all I'm saying!

So…boys, if you want to impress me…get ya weight up…b/c $ makes me come/cum (literally) all that other shit is irrela!

Btw-I’m not a man basher…I’m just real…deal w/it…or not.

~Sdot

Lines

2008-07-15T08:06:00.002-05:00

Friends.
Friends w/Benefits.
Fuck Friends (you know I'm crass...deal w/it!).

Definition.
Precision.
Clarity.

These help me keep a certain mindset...to maintain stability…to be less confused & more in control…two things that can literally drive me insane…being confused & out of control! Whooo lawd! I can't hardly even much take it!

Unfortunately MEN! Don’t need all this…but then they wonder why they’ve mislead a person or why someone is cutting their nuts off (btw-I loathe Jesse Jackson)!

I don’t play games!
I’m very honest.
I’m really real.

So…I hope for the same in return. This is to the benefit of all parties involved. Unfortunately I appear more so intimidating than accommodating.

If we start out as just friends & grow into more…that’s fine but trust me were probably going to discuss it several times before things really go there…just for the sake of not losing a friendship.
If we start out talking as people getting to know each other…& it progresses into intimacy…that’s fine too as long as we understand what that means & how that changes things.
If we start out just fucking…not a problem…but it can’t go (@ least not w/me) from just fucking to just friends or lovers or whatever.
We have to have these boundaries b/c clearly folk can't hardly control themselves & their emotions.

Pause: do boys know that girls like sex too? Like a lot? No like really…a LOT! Sometimes, we too prefer string-less sex, or sometimes we want to go there but are fearful of how we may be perceived (the latter doesn’t apply to me though) etc. We still want to be pursued & respected & treated like a lady but there is a manner in which you approach a woman strictly on a physical level. (Actually, guys think physically first…unlike women who usually think sincerely about the possibility of a relationship.) When you want to just pursue a physical relationship w/a person…for whatever reason…maybe you’re involved, or maybe you just don’t have time or maybe that’s just really all you want from the person either way honesty is the BEST policy. Be straight up about your situation, but do it w/tact & charm, don’t scare the person. Make her feel comfortable & sexy, b/c basically you want her in a sexual capacity right…let her know what you’re offering but again do it tactfully & I guarantee if she has even the slightest thought she will comply w/your request.
I mean...I'm just saying...but hey who am I?

Play: I go into situations w/men fully prepared…b/c I can’t afford to be mislead or confused or hurt or disillusioned b/c he likes to play games…I just don’t have time for the bullshit & I’m not cool w/looking like a fool…I’m just not that girl.
Therefore I can’t hardly take it…these dealings w/men! Seriously, they make my stomach hurt. They are more (these days) wishy-washy than women & its not cute. Boys are so dumb I swear to god. The time they take fucking people over they could’ve fucked twice that many people. I swear HONESTY! The biggest (right after $ & smelling nice) turn-on! Maybe it’s just me but when a man is upfront w/me I’m instantly attracted to him & I never like anyone-so that says a lot! Here’s the catch though I don’t hardly be believing what folk say-lol! Catch-22? Yep.

Anyways I’m just saying I don’t operate well w/abruptivity (yes I made that up). I like to discuss things. I like clear & open air. I like to be aware of moves & shifts in situations & feelings b/c I just don’t deal well when I’ve been mislead or confused (I know I keep saying that), intentionally.

Basically niggas need to grow the fuck up. Nobody has time for these whack ass games y’all play. Like seriously!
Get a life!

"I do what I do & you do what you can do about it!" ~Weezy F. Baby, The Carter iii

~Sdot

Screw Summer

2008-07-10T00:00:00.001-05:00

How come folk so extra horny in the summertime?

Or is it just me…naw couldn't be (I'm always like that…so that's nothing new).

Is that weird?

I mean its already hot, right…so why you wanna go & be like so extra hot???

Shit I guess since you're already hot & shit, may as well sweat it out for a good cause, huh!

Idk. I'm asking a general question…I can give my own personal answer but I'm something like a nymph so I'll bite my tongue…

I find myself talking about sex more & Love less during the season of 100 degree temperatures…maybe it's the clothes or lack there of that has everyone "LUSTING!" (lol, insert my Robin, who hails from none other than Memphis, TN, of ANTM season 1 voice- my sister knows her btw)

Well this summer has actually been the exception…I've discussed Love a LOT more than usual…a lot more than I'd prefer actually & a lot more than I'm comfortable with @ the present.

Maybe that's why my summer has been far short of fuck-filled action…hmmmm…interesting…

Anyways however this post has virtually nothing to do w/Love…so let's get back to the SEX (insert claps & roars of excitement)!

Having a very candid & explicit conversation w/my friend today, the topic of women's complexities arose. I was telling her that someone I've been more/less engaging in sexual activities w/has asked if I would have 3some w/him…then proceeded to tell me how he wants to take me to a swinger's club or whatever…I'm assuming 2 different instances he wants this to take place w/in. Anyways, she asked if I'd o it & I really didn't answer str8 up, b/c I've learned that as soon as I say "hell to the naw, I'd never do that ish!" What happens? I end up doing just that + some! So this is what I told her "Women. Maybe not all but most…will pretty much go there w/the right guy & the right situation! (If they haven't already perused the idea a time or two) I mean I'm just saying, let's be real ladies. Let that nigga spit something real tempting in your ear @ the right time, & see what happens…I mean...not that I just know or whatever…I'm just saying…that's my theory ;)

Women are pleasers by nature...hence we always want to make others happy, even if it doesn't necessarily fit into our realm of what happiness is.

Think about it…or not…whichever you prefer.

I find it incredibly fascinating in 2008, to find that people are still really taboo about sexual topics & not really as skilled as the media portrays. I think that's cool though…I guess. I'm pretty open myself…not open like "hey everybody comes/cums in." Open like I'm comfortable w/my sexuality & I like sex, period. I mean to me sex is just sex, when it's just sex…if you can understand that. Well let me attempt to explain w/o confusing you AND myself. I mean when you, well let me speak for myself…I understand sex, right? Well I think so. I understand that it's powerful. I understand that its fun. I understand that it's good. I even understand that it's sacred. I understand that it's not always simple. More importantly I understand its risks (on various levels) But not everyone thinks the way I think, right? Right. So…sex to me has become less of a big deal than say 5 years ago when I was a V, don't get me wrong I'm very cautious & I'm not just fucking everybody who passes…that's GROSS & I'm far too "the BOMB…TICK TICK" to allow such things!

What I am saying though is this: when, actually before I engage in the act, I have a fully diagramed conversation w/myself, b/c I recognize that I'm only in control of me. Hence, sex has no power over me, which ultimately renders the person I engage in the act w/powerless as well. UNLESS, I opt to forego that prerogative…UNLESS I say, hey "this is more than just sex to me right now…this is sacred & we're experiencing something profound here together, right?" Though often times, I'm not that into it…it really is just sex to me. I'm a very detached person…therefore I can completely veil my feelings (which some might argue is more often than not) when need be…though sometimes I have a hard time recognizing when to unveil, but that's another issue. Thing is I rarely engage in the act so freely w/whomever b/c like I said not everyone thinks like I think (AND I hardly like anybody!). I know men put up this big front (or do they) like they can have sex & that be that…but I've found that not to be the case, often times they are the ones stalking me. Okay maybe not stalking but getting more or less far more involved emotionally then me. Guess that goes back to the theory of me being a man disguised as a wo-man…well maybe so…or maybe I just don't give a fuck…"either way we fucking, either way!"-$ Mike (that's SO damn funny to me!) No. Really, I have to make sure I'm on the same accord w/my counterpart otherwise ain't shit happening…I hate to ruin or mislead or confuse feelings/relationships just b/c things got a little heated (& I liked it)…that doesn't mean my feelings for you have changed any…b/c I recognize (in adavance) that if they have, it's just the haze, the aftermath, the side effects of SEX, a very dangerous drug might I add, that I'll awake from in the morning!

GOOD NITE & GOOD MORNING BIATCH!

Until we meet again...

…buss 1 for me, lol!

Btw-I like Plies & he could prolly get it…as long as he does NOT call me his mf-ing buss it baby! Uh. No thanks. I have a DEGREE nigga! Act like you knew!

Oooh SCANDY*!

HAPPY SUMMER BEEEACH (isn't that clever how I spelled "bitch" like BEACH-btw I need a serious vacay that includes some beach action (& maybe fucking-WHA? I'm just saying...I have needs too!)!

~S. Parks

*scandalous-for you dorks out there ;-)

Guess who fucked up...

2008-07-07T20:08:00.003-05:00

...Yep ME!
Guess I'm not that perfect huh...
So...this song epitomizes how I've been feeling for about 3 months now...YUCK & this past weekend did NOT help!

Blah!

~S. Parks

Almost forgot to mention that I totally adore this song & vid!

Spring Summer Feeling

2008-07-03T01:46:00.001-05:00

For some reason I have really been thinking a LOT about being in love & loving someone & being loved & just all those matters of the heart, us Homo sapien sapiens, encounter. Maybe it's the heat…but I've just been trying to figure out what love means to me…if it's something I'm interested in @ the present…if it's something I'm willing to give a go again…if I even understand it…if I've learned anything from it & how I'm going to apply that knowledge to my next encounter.

Though I'm not that big on verbally expressing love, I definitely think I'm into love, when love is into me. Meaning, when (though it's only been once) I'm in love, I embrace it. I like it even. I thoroughly enjoy the moment. I kinda miss that feeling of being in love…I'm just fearful of being in love & not having the feeling reciprocated in a balanced manner, if you can understand that…

Basically, I've decided that I'm no longer settling (not that I have a habit of doing so). I just think I've decided that the next time I'm in love; I want him to be the one, a kinda scary thought huh? I know, but I'm serious. I'm not falling in love @ leisure again. I mean that's not to say I'm not dating & hanging & stuff…just not falling in love (if I can help it) until I know that the guy is that guy! Like the guy I could definitely marry (insert a very nervous emoction).

I want there to be no doubt in my mind that he loves me. That he is so besotted w/me that he can hardly even function w/o me. I want him to feel as though I literally complete him. That loving me is the greatest honor he's been bestowed. That I'm it entirely & abundantly. That every time he sees me he falls deeper in love. A love so true…that words aren't enough to express its goodness.

I'm talking a deep yearning for a person. A soul recognition. A spiritual encounter. A love that I believe only God can create between 2 people. I want to feel that in loving him I am not only making myself & him happy but God as well. I want to be comforted in knowing that in giving myself to him I will be safer than I have ever been in keeping myself from others.

One day, I hope to be blessed w/such an experience. I know what I'm worth & I'm willing to wait it out.

I'm preparing myself.

In the meantime I'll be loving me more & hoes less, lol…I'd advise you to do the same.

L8R Lovelies!

Xoxo,

S. Parks

Oh & Happy Birthday & 4^th of July to my idiot friend KarmCharm!

Summertime Snapping!

2008-06-26T22:50:00.003-05:00

So I was just telling the homie Bets, real name Monique, that I needed a serious summer mix cd. Like someone needs to put out a nice mix, freestyle joint to rock out to this summer so I can make it through a little easier! She totally agreed! Then I go over to my homegirl in the blog world, Southern_Lady (http://www.blackgirladventures.blogspot.com/), caught up on the happs in her life & found not only does she have a strong liking for The Dream, as I do, but she too needs a summer jam list. Well she came up w/her own…so I guess I can do the same…she scooped this idea from someone else…so I'm carrying on the idea…

"List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to."

Umm in no particular order, I don't think…

3 Peat, Lil Wayne, The Carter iii: Okay, so ask me how much I like this song…no ask me how much I like this whole freaking album…the shit is SO hard! Like seriously though, I rocks that 3 Peat so tuff in the mornings, baybay! "I'm on it! Oooh I'm on it! I'm SO on it! However you want it…you can get it tonite…& all nite!" ♥S IT!
Green Light, John Legend ft. Andre 3000, Unknown Album: Okay, so this is the new John Legend & I ♥ it, like fa real! I used to be a HUGE JL fan, then he started to blow up & I kinda lost interest (I like to feel like I'm listening to exclusive stuff, I'm kinda weird like that), but his last album was really nice, so I got back on the bandwagon. So if this song is any indication of the new album's music level, I'm ALL IN, ALREADY!
Key to Your ♥, Danity Kane, Welcome to the Dollhouse: I'm SO sincere when I say I am a ridiculous DK fan! Like seriously, I totally fucks w/them bitches! H8 on em if you want, this Dollhouse ish is BANGING!!! I really ♥ the WHOLE album, so it was extremely hard to choose my fave, but I went w/the one I listen to w/o fail when I pop this cd in…I SO ♥ this song, it's very sweet in sound.
Miami, Yo Gotti ft. Rick Ross, Cocaine Musik: Aight, y'all may/may not know I'm a "G." So I rarely drive to anything other than rap music, esp. early in the morning. Gets my mind right…that's prolly why I'm so extra tuff according to some. Anyways, I been on Rick Ross so hard l8ly. That The Boss is like seriously my faves, but this song allows me to kill 2 birds' w/1 stone. An M-town song, b/c I am a Gotti fan + Ricky Ross=YEEEAYUH!!! ROSS-I ♥ when he says that!!!!
Playin' in Her Hair, The Dream, Love/Hate: Actually I haven't been listening to this as much as I was initially, but I think I'm about to start back. I swear The Dream is a guilty pleasure…I feel so bad liking him b/c he is so very whack, but damnit I canNOT stop listening to the effing cd! I ♥ IT! This song especially…it reminds me of this guy I've been talking to, who is always playing in my hair and when he's been drinking he calls me "his nigga," some might find that offensive but I think it's cute…again I'm a slick g…so I like different stuff. Anyways, though this album came out in 2007, it's a good summertime album, very light, fun, & sexy music.
So Fly, Slim ft. Yung Joc, Unknown: First time hearing this song was today & I loved it as soon as I heard my boo, yep Yung Joc! Another guilty pleasure, something about that voice & the way he talks makes me really like him fa real, he could prolly get it! On to the track, I am a HUGE 112 fan, so I figured I'd like this. I mean I can see Slim solo, though I like the group, I'm still feeling the song. Good summertime jam! MeLikey!
Put On, Young Jeezy ft. Kanye West, I am Trap: Okay my 2 fave rappers on the same song, well my 2 faves right now…Jeezy feeds my g side, while Ye feeds my creative fly girl side! Perfect collab! I ♥ IT!!! Though I've been on this song & since they started playing it on the radio I've lapsed in rocking it myself, but it's def a banger, nonetheless!

HAPPY SUMMER '08!!!

~S. Parks

Searching…

2008-06-25T05:00:00.000-05:00

I find myself searching…

Searching…

Searching for love.

My soul longs…

Hoping for that feeling.

I feel lonely.

I find myself searching…

For something I've already found…in you.

Love.

Is.

You.

I'm running.

From you.

Love.

I'm searching?

I'm found.

You found me.

I'm searching?

For me?

Or.

You?

Or.

Love?

~S. Parks

Call Me…

2008-06-25T04:15:00.000-05:00

…when you get a chance.

I promise. I'll answer.

In fact I'm waiting.

Waiting all by myself?

Are you thinking of me the way I think of you?

Are you mad @ me the way I'm mad @ me?

Are you feeling me the way I'm feeling you?

I'm waiting.

Just say something.

Anything.

When will you call?

I'm w/o you.

Make it alright.

Make it right.

Call me.

Call me…b/c I just can't call you.

~S. Parks

Sweet & Lovely

2008-06-25T04:11:00.000-05:00

Check the time.

I can't sleep…b/c I can't think…about anything else…but you.

It's driving me insane…the thought…of you.

It's haunting me.

I can't stop thinking about you.

I can't stop.

I'm trying…to call…to write…to say…I can't stop.

But.

I stop…myself. From letting go…for you.

I don't know what I'm doing here.

I forget how I got here.

I don't want to be here…but I'm here…w/o you.

I know.

I know…just say something & that'll make it alright, right?

Who came up w/that philosophy?

Everything is not that easy.

Nor.

Are things always what they seem?

It seemed.

So simple.

So pleasant.

Now it seems so…complex.

So over?

I'm so cold.

So closed.

You're so sweet.

So lovely.

I still feel that feeling…even now.

But.

I stop.

Feeling.

I do this to myself.

This is crazy.

~S. Parks

2 more months…

2008-06-22T22:09:00.001-05:00

In church today, I thought about my attitude towards Memphis & how it's not helping my situation…in fact I think it's making me crazier…everyday that awake I literally have to fight for my sanity in this place & in doing so I'm doing insane things…but that's another post…

So I was thinking that maybe just maybe if I make serious effort to live it up my last couple months here they'll go by faster, good things may happen, and I won't lose my mind before my departure. What you think?

Okay, so I'm deciding today, that I'm whole-heartedly going to focus on making something happen every day (as if I don't do that already)…something positive, something new, or old, maybe even fun…hopefully free (good luck w/that)!

I mean in retrospect I only have a couple more months here, @ least that's what I'm feeling & my feelings are usually right.

Though the plans aren't set, neither is the date, no jobs in place, seemingly no place to live…in New York…I'm still promising myself that in about 2 months (give or take a month), I'll be packing my things (though I live out of a suitcase anyways) & heading to my new life, in a new city…YAY!

Who's excited?! ME that's who!

So in the meantime w/o spending too much doe I'm going to have a little fun…in Memphis…ha…you should see my face.

No but really though, I'm really going to try really hard though! (3 reallys? Really!)

Happy summer '08 Guys! J

~S. Parks

This SuMmEr-$3.85

2008-06-10T10:52:00.003-05:00

Can anyone tell me why gas is $3.85 this summer?!

Can anyone tell me what I'm still doing in Memphis this summer?!

Can anyone tell me why niggas are lying so much this summer?!

Can anyone tell me why I'm still entertaining these lying ass "no-shot" niggas this summer?!

Can anyone tell me when summer began…or better yet when it ends?!

Can anyone tell me why the unemployment rate is up 5.5% this summer?!

Can anyone tell me how I'm supposed to function this summer w/o some sort of coping mechanism …caffeine…sugar…drugs…alcohol…shopping…etc…

Can anyone tell me when the hell I'm moving to New York?! This summer???

Can anyone tell me why I think of a certain someone more & more every day this summer?!

Can anyone tell me how to be abstinent this summer?!

Can anyone tell me how I'm supposed to wear dresses all summer if I can't buy anything this summer?!

Can anyone tell me why the fuck is it so damn hot this summer?!

Can anyone tell me how to remain cool this summer?!

Can anyone tell me how to not lose my mind this summer?!

Seems like this summer has been going on for like 3 damn months already!

I have NO idea how I'm going to make it through if it continues the way it's going…no job…no bf (meaning no one to take away my stress)…no $ (b/c I'm supposed to be saving)…hence no trips…no air b/c gas is 5 million dollars & counting!!!

Jesus Christ, help me on today b/c I just don't know if I'm going to make it through!

I swear I'm either going to be the drunkest person I know this summer or the craziest if some shit don't pop off real soon & by that I mean like tomorrow.

Damnit where's Jack when you need him…or his wallet rather!

I've never cared for the summer…but this one is going to be rough…or is it?!

I'm trying really hard to remain optimistic, esp. since summer really just began…but man I swear the situation is looking so extra bleak!

*sighs*

I'm going to keep hanging in there…b/c I mean really what are my other options this summer?!

Uhhh.

Happy summer '08!

Blah.

~S. Parks

Uh oh uh oh...its OBAMA TIME BEECH!!!

2008-06-04T09:34:00.006-05:00

HEY HEY!!!
What do you say?!
What are we having for breakfast today?!
HILARY CLINTON!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

Okay that was a joke, but no seriously, how fucking awesome has this whole presidential nominee race been?! Like aside from all the negative ish, mostly Sen. Clinton's doing, this is some monumental almost totally asinine historical type ish we're witnessing right now on today!
I mean @ 24, I can say that I voted, I voted for a black man & he won the democratic nomination (& WILL win the WHOLE sha-bang-I'm a believer)! Is that not the coolest?! Duh, that's like TOTALLY BIG shit poppin!
Obama ROCKS...my world, & the whole world, if the Hil-dil supporters get on board...so get on board tricks!
Now, I'm not so sure how I feel about her on his ticket though...I'm slick scared she might try some shady shit. I mean I'm just saying she bust that fat ass cool white chick bubble I had her in, when she started being real cut-throat...yes I know its politics, but Jesus Christ lady, have a little class, no? Okay, well that's why yo ass, what?! LOST!!! BOOYOW!!! Take that, take that, like Diddy! Okay, okay...Hil Imma get off you, though I have no clue why you won't just sit yo ass down, like a graceful loser...oh wait maybe its b/c you aren't graceful or maybe its b/c you can't stand the fact that you've lost to a what, a who, a BLACK MAN! Well, I'll say this, Sen. Clinton, to you & all your supporters, who will soon be, if they're smart, his supporters, y'all better get w/it or get LOST baby, or better yet get rolled the fuck over b/c the Obama train is steady on the grind, ALL ABOARD!
Can you tell how much I'm loving this?! Well I so AM!!! *rocking my Obama pins SO extra tuff today too*
I'm so proud, on today (& every other), to be a woman, a black woman, an educated, proactive black woman, on the rise!
Watch out America, its DEFINITELY the TAKE OVER, BITCHES!!!
Picture me ROLLING!!!

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/politics/2008/06/03/sot.obama.entire.cnn

HOPE. ACTION. CHANGE.
OBAMA '08

~S. Parks

The Blog...The Journey...Feng Shui

2008-06-01T13:53:00.000-05:00

I don't like "I'm just a girl...in the world..." anymore as my blog title...not sure why...I still love that song...I just kinda think I'm over that title & it doesn't really fit me nor this blog anymore...

Feng Shui...if you aren't familiar...literally means wind-water.
Its an ancient Chinese practice believed to utilize the Laws of both heaven (astronomy) and earth (geography) to help one improve life by receiving positive Chi...Chi rides the wind and scatters, but is retained when encountering water. Many modern enthusiasts claim that feng shui is the practice of arranging objects (such as furniture) to help people achieve their goals. More traditionally, feng shui is important in choosing a place to live and finding a burial site, along with agricultural planning. Proponents claim that feng shui has an effect on health, wealth and personal relationships. ~courtesy of Wikipedia

My thoughts are this I come here to vent, to release, to rebuild, to renew, to refresh...myself. I come to reassure myself of all the goodness in my life...though sometimes that may not come across it is in fact the mission. In this space I am free...free to be me & all that that encompasses...which is a lot more something than nothing. It may not always read positively but in doing these posts I gain positivity w/my thoughts & my words & my feelings. Sometimes I even gain it from my readers, which is often surprising to me & quite inspirational...more so than you could ever imagine.

These are my words in all sincerity.
This is the discovery of my destiny to greatness.
This is my Feng Shui
~S. Parks

Why? Pearls. b/c that's what I'm wearing today...that's what popped into my head when I decided to re-name the blog...that's birthstone of June...the background is current...the symbolism is spiritual...& I like it!
Its fate...disguised as randomness.

You

2008-05-29T08:46:00.003-05:00

What is this I'm doing…thinking…feeling…

I'm not supposed to want you the way I do…

Or think of you when were clearly through…

Through you I can see me & the me I see is not as perfect as she claims to be…

To be…or not to be…free…free @ heart…

That's not easy for me…actually that's insane to me…

Insane to me? Think those might be synonyms…Insanity, Shanette, Shanette, Insanity…

I'm starting to think it's true…starting to believe the hype about you…

You…you don't even know what you do & I have no idea how to explain it to you…

But clearly I'm the one who couldn't handle you.

Jack Black!

2008-05-24T13:13:00.002-05:00

I ♥ Jack!
...like he's my friend forever & always!
if you don't know Jack...read up & get a clue!
Jack puts the ki in lo...get it...okay moving on...
...anyways that's all I wanted to say...after all these years I still ♥ Jack & all his asshole tendencies!

Guess what else...SATC movie...this FRIDAY...I can NOT fucking wait, okay...like I'm BEYOND excited!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDEqL65Mzlo

I'm so gonna buy this http://store.hbo.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3044744&cp=1885647.3061388&parentPage=family shirt for the premiere!

:)

XoXo,

S. Parks

All of a Sudden

2008-05-19T18:05:00.001-05:00

I feel like fighting & I'm not even a fighter.

I feel like screaming & I'm not even a screamer.

I feel like running & I'm not even a runner.

I feel like crying & I'm not even a crier.

I feel like sleeping & I'm not even a sleeper.

I feel like fighting & I'm not even a fighter.

I feel like calling & I don't even call…especially not you.

What's that about?

…maybe its b/c the sun is shining & the warmth reminds me of you…

…maybe its b/c I feel uneasy & I think you can make it alright…

…maybe its b/c I…I…I think I miss you (although I still struggle w/the missing concept, not sure I know how)

…maybe I just want some attention…from you?

Either way, it's odd that thoughts of you have crept in on a day like today, when I'm feeling the way I do.

~S. Parks

Liar, Liar…Foolish!

2008-05-04T22:54:00.002-05:00

I swear I cannot stand a lying ass nigga! Sure women lie, children lie, hell I lie…but niggas…niggas are just LIARS! There's a difference & for the life of me I cannot understand why! As up front as I am, as real as I am, as straight-forward, as forth-coming, as honest…STILL niggas LIE! WHY?! Just WHY?!

This is me…"Hi my name is Shanette, I'm 24. I have a degree. I have a job…2 in fact. I was supposed to be a doctor but I'm thinking I wanna be a buyer or something really cool like that, kinda like Whitney on the The Hills! I don't have kids. I don't want kids (today…possibly ever). I STRONGLY dislike Memphis. I love God. I'm not a virgin. I like sex…like a LOT…NO you can't fuck me…no I don't have a bf & I'm okay w/that & naw I ain't lying…& no, nothing is wrong w/me…y'all (men) are just whack as hell & I ain't got time for the bullshit! Sure, you can have my number but I may not answer @ first b/c I'm not that good w/phone calls so I'll prolly call you back…eventually…but more than likely I'll text you. Oh yeah, I HATE voicemail…the END! Again, I forewarn you…I'm NO easy task…so…you may wanna re-consider…I'm just saying…" Okay maybe I don't say that verbatim BUT I do get most of that in there upon first meeting…that's a lot of information, but it's really just basic need-to-know…not too deep…just enough for you to know where I am in life & if you can work w/that…if I can work w/you…if you're even working w/something! All I expect in return is the same courtesy of an honest first meeting. ESPECIALLY if you are the one trying to holla…I mean I am really confused as to why niggas feel the need to lie to somebody they don't even know…I mean who am I for you to be lying to??? It's frustrating b/c they could get so much further…so much respect…so much more if they were just honest from jump. Say what you want…that doesn't mean you have to be demeaning about it by saying I just wanna fuck you…but that same phrase can be said in a more tactful way…b/c you never know the chick you checking for maybe just the girl to handle that…she could just want the same. Or she could want more…but you too damn concerned w/selling dreams & shit that you neglect the simple fact that honesty is indeed the best policy…why? B/c the truth ALWAYS comes out & WTF do you voluntarily want to live w/unnecessary lies anyways…weighing down on your conscious…maintaining double, triple, multiple lives based on lies…its insanity to me! Complete & utter INSANITY!

These are the reasons I can't hardly not deal w/niggas…makes my fucking head hurt & I don't like that shit…trying to figure out what is the truth & what is a lie…WHY?! You not even my man & you lying?! Is it just me or is that completely asinine?!

As much as I don't give a fuck about niggas & the dumb shit they be saying, the woman in me still wants to believe that for once @ least one will tell the truth…WRONG! Now I feel like a dumbass! I swear I feel like a fucking idiot…very foolish…why would this bitch introduce me to his friends, be ALL OVER me in public, and practically force me to get a key to his apartment (which I did NOT get)…to end up having a gf! WHY?! Is that not some crazy shit?! Now I feel like a fucking home wrecking low-life slut bitch b/c I'm fucking another girl's man! That's trifling & I don't like it…I don't like it @ all! I do NOT fuck other bitches' niggas…NO thanks! Then this nigga aint even worth it…cus the sex was pretty much WHACK!

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm disappointed in my own self!

Lesson learned ladies: Don't be a fool!

(5/19/08) Update: Uh…I'm still involved…I know right…slap me! I'm just so damn bored…I'm settling & I know that's awful but its true…what's even worse is that I know better yet I digress! I blame Memphis! L

…& these are the reasons I don't bother w/niggas & I'm abstinent more often than not…both factors fuck up my mental & I just can't have that…so Imma do better…boredom or not!

Update #2 (5/26/08): So...I finally asked if in fact he has a gf & he said "yeah, now what?" Now what?! Now what the fuck?! What do you mean, now what?! WTH?! Uh....now I don't even know...isn't that totally horrific?! *sighs* ...I'll be back...unfortunately!

Shamefully,

S. Parks

Love, Part III: “Wanna be loved”

2008-04-28T00:05:00.002-05:00

Today's post is brought to you in part by Jilly from Philly a.k.a. Jill Scott, from her latest album The Real Thing: Words & Sounds, Vol. 3.

"I just wanna be loved, like everybody else does. I just wanna be loved!"

So I bought this album on its release date, late last year some time. Actually, I didn't even like it…well I thought it was just okay, but failed in comparison to her previous albums. In fact, I gave it to my sister and said, "I can't get into it…clearly she's @ different place in her life & I can't relate." So I listened a few more times & let it go. Then I went to see her last month when she came to town for 2 nights of straight up & down sanging! I'm talking about this woman is BAD okay! She sounds even better live than she does on wax! 2.5 hours of non-stop singing while standing….performing…her & her band! It was an awesome show! As I watched & listened, really listened to the lyrics, saw her emotion, heard her voice…I could relate. I could understand. I had been in that place. I had felt those feelings. I may have not expressed them in the same form but I could definitely relate to the pain & the pleasure. The lust & the laughter. The tears & the fears. The highs & lowest lows.

Love. The common denominator.

Today I listened to this song (btw-now I listen to this album ALL the time…its GREAT!) & I asked myself if I've ever felt Loved? I have felt it but I can't say for certain that it was real. It could have been lust or like or lust. I mean sure I know my family Loves me, but I'm speaking of the relationships we encounter…w/those who aren't of kin. I wonder how you can be certain that someone Loves you in spite of… how can you be certain that someone Loves you today as they did yesterday or will love you tomorrow as they do today…how can you be certain that its real? It's the feeling, right? It's a feeling deep down, inside, @ the core of your soul…I think…I don't think I've felt that kind of Love. I mean how do you know…how do you know when someone really loves you? When they can't start their day w/o seeing or being or talking w/you? When they include you in every aspect of their life? When they tap into your voicemails, text messages, and e-mail accounts? When they won't let you out of their sight in fear that you'll leave them? When they introduce you to their family insist on meeting yours? When they know how you feel w/o you telling them? When they finish your sentences? When they genuinely want nothing more than to see you happy? When they Love you in spite of…well…you! Are these signs of Love or lust or obsession or insanity or fear or boredom or like??? How can one be sure?!

Sure, I've been in Love & I must say @ its high it was the BEST feeling in the world. I literally felt like I was flying, as if I know what that feels like…high I guess! But man when that high came down…Lord have mercy…I felt lower than low. Umph! It's an inexplicable feeling…but I will say that if this is how an (drug) addict feels…or worse…I think I'd die! It's a pain that has no relief. No medicine. No timetable. No direction. No understanding. No sense! It's awful. I HATE it! For a long time I blamed Love for that pain, for that hurt. As I live, as I learn…I'm understanding Love. I'm still scared as hell of it, but I'm growing in it & befriending it. Love isn't easy, you can't just fuck her & she cums. You can't buy her. You can't bribe her. You can't leave her. You can't beat her. You can't outsmart her. You can't kill her. You live her. You breathe her. You work for her. You work w/her. You give her. You take her…w/you wherever. You respect her. You feed her. You eat her. She's sweet but she's NOT easy!

Do you know how to Love? I know, I know how to Love, but I don't think I know how to be Loved…in lies the dilemma.

But that's all I want is to be Loved…we all want that right?!

Even after I Love me, even after I Love you, I want to know that you Love ME too…sometimes…not today though…lol…I'm still a little terrified of the thought…in Love is cool but LOVE…nay, I'll pass!

This concludes my series on Love…I hope this sheds a little light on me & Love or just Love, or maybe you can in some way. Either way thanks for tuning in. I'm most appreciative!

L8R Lovelies! Have a SUPER fab week!

Oh & Happy Quarter-life to my more than a friend, Bunny!

Love lots!

XOXO,

LOML!/S. Parks

Love, Part II: " I just wanna be a size 4, damnit!"

2008-04-13T21:50:00.002-05:00

Guess what…I Love myself…no like really, I LOVE Shanette R. Parks!
I like who I am…who I’m becoming. That’s major b/c not everyone can say that w/assurance though I have never really been that girl to hate herself...I have always been taught self-Love! I have always known I was specially crafted w/a higher purpose, one that even I can’t understand sometimes…but it is what it is & I accept that.

Though I must say I haven’t always been this confident. I have struggled w/body image, in fact I still struggle (hence the title...which I'll elaborate on l8r), but the difference is that now I Love ME: the good, the bad, & the FABULOUS [ ;) ]! You know that song “Flaws & All” by Bey…well initially I thought “WOW, how awesome is that to have someone Love you flaws & all?!” Then I discovered…who can Love me better than Me?! That's right...No One! We, esp. women must stop looking to others for the gratification, the inspiration, the happiness, the Love that is ultimately within! The importance of self-Love is that it empowers you. It convinces you of your authority. It motivates you to be the best you that you can be. It inspires you to inspire others...& be better contribution to the world!

Love is not one that boasts or brags in a cocky manner. It doesn’t have to do so…sure a little “damn I’m haute” doesn’t hurt. In fact, it can help. There was a time in my life when I felt really broken, spiritually & in case you didn’t know if your spirit is broken the rest of you is pretty much dead. Anyways, there was so much going on in my life…I was having school issues; I had lost every physical possession I ever owned; I had been shifted so abruptly; I had experienced major heartbreak. I ultimately felt alone. I felt misunderstood. I felt disappointed. I felt kind of hopeless. Now here’s something about me that may or may not come as a surprise I am an internalist (yes, I made that up), meaning I hold everything that bothers me inside. I’m just not a very open person in that regard, or @ least I wasn’t at that time. Even though I thought I was holding it in, it was showing on the outside…I was breaking out all over my body, my hair was falling out drastically, I was losing weight rather rapidly (the one thing I didn’t mind), I was sleeping a lot or not @ all, I was becoming quite anti-social (though not a far-fetch). I had to deal w/all these things & find some way to still Love myself…that is when I discovered the inside is what determines the outer. I know it seems quite cliché but seriously think about it…how many times have you met a person that you thought was utterly fab or haute & you anxiously await the moment you converse & when you do...what do you find?! Their attitude is way stank or they’re dumb as hell & you’re like “okay, all of a sudden you look like shit!” That’s what I mean if the inside is fucked up, well the outside is basically wasted! So I had to pull from w/in & it was @ what was seemingly my lowest point that the only person I could depend on was ME! I talked to God…I talked to myself…I talked to God & myself again. I found that people are people…flawed & you just can’t depend on people. It’s like investing…sometimes you gain sometimes you lose…& you have to learn to accept that & roll w/it & once you do you’ll find that, as the great Malcolm X said “…every defeat, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance next time.” Basically there is a life lesson in everything…well that it is if we use it as such. Lessons are preparations for future tests, yes? So, if we take it as such we will be smart enough to recognize the test & pass w/flying colors! That’s what I learned that ultimately I’m all I’ve got. As much as I HATE to admit it…I’m an adult. I’m a Christian. On the road to being a Woman & I have to start thinking and living as such! I had to re-program my thought process. I say re-… b/c even when I was young there was very little one could tell me about whom I was or who I would be, aside from my Mother…basically you couldn’t tell me NOTHING…you might hurt my feelings b/c I was as sensitive as a poodle (read a book) but after I shed a tear or told my Mommy, I got back on my shit & basically said “fuck you!”

That’s you gotta say to them h8ing ass bitches and niggas, b/c I don’t give a fuck who you are…there is someone who has or will h8 on you, precious, it’s inevitable…like death…so deal w/it…shit take it as a compliment…I do…means I’m doing something right! So I love it! “H8 on me H8ers!”…like Ye said, “h8er niggas marry h8er bitches & have h8er kids…so sometimes the shit is just innate & folk can’t help it…so you just got ‘scuse them precious & do what?! Do YOU! Be YOU! Love YOU! You might just find while you tryna be like other folk that they tryna be like yo ass…cus you cool & shit & didn’t even know…aint that some shit!

…okay, okay…so I’m not perfect (yet) & sometimes, well I all the time I write these posts for myself btw-if I offend you, in the process, I kinda don’t give a fuck b/c I was doing this for me anyways! …oh but back to my indiscretions…unfortunately I have my hang-ups as well (fucking tv & magazines & internet) & that’s mainly my weight…it’s the actual number I’m totally obsessed w/…the number on the scale…the number in my clothes…I know it doesn’t equate to happiness but for some reason I can’t shake the thought that being a size 4 will make me PERFECT! I know, I know…its insane & totally unattainable (perfection), but that’s just how my crazy brain works…in the mean time I wear my 8’s STRONG boo & looking oh-so-fab doing so, holla...picture me rollin (lmao)!

So Love you honey…cus if you don’t…well…you know the rest!

Goodnite, Lovelies...I leave you w/one of my fave quotes by an awesome man!

“If you have no confidence in self you are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence you have won even before you have started.” Marcus Garvey

Have a fab week!
♥,
Sdotter ALWAYS making it hauter!

Love, Part I

2008-04-01T10:08:00.002-05:00

I think that there is a misconception about me & my view of Love.
I'm not anti-Love.
I'm just hard on Love, b/c Love is hard on me.
Love isn't a game. Its real. I take it seriously.
Sure the in Love aspect is fun & airy, but L-O-V-E ain't shit about it fun it is what it is & its tough to ME!!! That's why real Love, cost...& it ain't cheap! Its worth having. Its worth preserving. Its worth it...when its real.
Hence my current stance on Love may not be as light & care-free as the next girl who's in Love or ready to be in Love or falls in & out of Love @ random.

...that's just not ME...this is ME...

(btw-this is a 3-part series!)

I'm learning about love.
What it means.
How it feels.
What it does.
How it taste.
What it sees.
How it smells.
What it says.
How it dwells.

In the past couple of years, more so in the recent months, I have recognized the unconditional, unwavering, untainted Love of God. WOW! Its so amazing to me that His Love is so encompassing, of all the good, all the bad, all the ups, all the downs, all the sins & all the frowns. He still Loves us! Is that not amazing to you?

He blesses me even when I fuck up, even when I don't deserve it, when I disappoint him, when I lie, when I cheat, when I steal. When I don't do my part. When I neglect my share. When I don't tithe. When I don't pray. When I don't read. When I don't sit & stay...to hear what he has to say. When I don't recognize that it is b/c of him I am here...today! That's almost asinine to me...parents can stop Loving children...though that's hard to imagine its true...friends can stop Loving friends...spouses stop Loving each other...children stop Loving parents...siblings stop Loving each other...BUT God...the God we take for granted, the God we use & abuse...the God we mistreat & misuse...the God we put in a box...the God we call on when convenient...STILL Loves us! Does that right there not make you want to run outside & scream GLORY to the top of your lungs?! I'm not that big on screaming but maybe through this post, God will know how much I Love Him, how much I am learning about Him, how much I appreciate Him. How I just want to do better for Him.

I'm not perfect though I claim to be. I know my faults. I'm working on those. I know my wrongs. I'm righting those. But in the midst of it all...I am comforted in knowing that the God I serve Loves me no matter what & for that reason alone I can't NOT serve Him! He Loved me first & He'll Love me last-that right there is just...WOW!!!

Therefore Love is important, I can't imagine my life w/o God's Love...it in turn grants me His grace, His mercy, His strength, His power, His will, His plan, His purpose, His wisdom. Hence I am in love w/the idea of love...when Love can Love ME even when I don't Love it...WOW! I'm in awe! I'm in awe of God. Just think about it & I dare you not to get emotional, not to want to just do a little better than you're doing, if for nothing else than a sign of appreciation. Seriously, that's not just a love I want...that's a love I need...one in which I can't live w/o!

I'm sure most are familiar w/this scripture but I thought it befitting to include in today's post...so take this w/you...read it, re-read it, analyze it, break it down, apply it...to you & your situation, talk to God, discuss it w/him. Eat it (b/c it is food...for your soul). Live it. Breathe it!

1 If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have Love, it profits me nothing. 4 Love is patient, Love is kind and is not jealous; Love does not brag and is not arrogant, 5 does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, 6 does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part; 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. 11 When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 13 But now faith, hope, Love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is Love. (1 Corinthians 13, New American Standard Bible)

Love Yourself folks, b/c if you don't...no one else will...& everyone wants to be loved...even ME!

Peace. Love. & Happiness!

XoXo,

S. Parks

BITCHASSNESS!!!

2008-03-31T20:07:00.000-05:00

I just wanna say...if ever I thought I would reconsider anything w/Kevin...fuck that...NOPE!!!
& that's all I wanted to say about that!

Thanks & Goodnite!

SHANETTE R. PARKS

Unlimited Upgrades

2008-03-12T21:05:00.007-05:00

Who was I when I was 5...when I was 10...15...20...last year...last week even???

I don't think there have been drastic changes in who I am today but there are certainly things that have shaped & molded the person I am now that I don't necessarily do or care for anymore. Basically, I am the same stubborn, sensitive, smart, & special girl I was when I was 5 w/a few physical changes & some mental tweaking...but in essence, like Jay said, "you was who you was before you got here" & I believe that, whole-hearted!

I was thinking today about the various relationships (male/female) that I have been in or am currently in & I was intrigued to find that I have grown (not only in stature) tremendously in my short 24 years. Relationships are a good measure of a person. How well you adapt & change...grow & mature. It’s often beneficial to take in another person's view of you for betterment of self. In most cases its healthy to account for other people's criticism...not all b/c not everyone has your interest in mind. Let’s just be honest some folk are just h8rs...the shit is like breed & feed or something...so we ain't referring to them folk.

Anyways, thinking about all that I was quite interested in who I was then & who I am now.
Simple things to complex ones...I remember when I thought make-up was silly...now you can catch me in Sephora breaking the bank bayby! When I was the biggest tomboy...so into my bike & playing outside & the simple things in life...now I'm the girliest girl & it seems I just make shit harder than it has to be. When I was in high school I swore Tommy Hilfiger was that ish...baby I swear you can def miss me w/that, no thanks! When I was young I ALWAYS thought moving back to St. Louis would make my life SO much better...now...I honestly cannot imagine living there...the only appeal was my fam! When I thought I would be virgin until marriage...HA...yeah right! However, I am still a firm believer in the importance of virginity, consequences of sex & sanctity of marriage. Marriage…there’s an interesting concept. I do believe in marriage…just not sure I want marriage…for myself...or I'm not sure that marriage is for me persay. I don't think I would mind it though...if it happens it happens if it doesn't I'm fairly certain I won't get all bent about it...I’m a realist…never really been a dreamer. So I see things the way they are. I set goals…I don’t dream. I hope…I don’t dream. I believe...I have faith...I do...I don't dream. I don’t believe in shooting stars…I’m just not that girl. I'm still stubborn...but I'm workable...just gotta be persistent (btw-persistence is kinda hott...if you're a boy). I'm not the best communicator...but I'm working on that. I don't have a good relationship w/my dad & I accept that. I used to wear glasses & now I'm corrective lenses free...thanks to Lasik, booyow! I have always thought I was invincible & I still do! I have never been boy crazy & I'm still NOT!

People are just something I have never really been that into. I know I said relationships are essential to understanding self & that's true...however...there was a time in my life when I held friendships in high regard. I am a good friend b/c I understand loyalty...but I've learned not everyone is like me *thanks the Heavens for that* therefore I accept that relationships die & friendships fade. That doesn't change who I am as a friend that just means I don't expect you to be like me! Right now though, I am so into me & trust me it took a long time & a conscious effort to get to this point. To put the considerate, giving, & kind Shanette aside...& simply do me.
The best relationship you can have is a spiritual relationship...my God & I say my b/c he is mine...we have a personal relationship & in it I have learned the most about me that I could have ever learned from anyone else. He is the way, the truth & the life & believe that w/all my being. He has been the only unwavering factor in my life & that alone is dynamic & mind-blowing! Yep, I loves the Lord & I'm not ashamed to say...I'm not a total heathen folks! ;)

I am in such a transition in my life...a turning point...a metamorphosis if you will. I can just feel it. Things I used to do...I don't do as often...stuff I liked...not so much...people I cared for...could care less. It’s all about me & the greatness that lies ahead. The destiny that needs to be fulfilled. I control these things, hence the only interference is me...well not anymore. Life has taught me so much in my short 24 years...things that some people spend a life time learning. I have survived Katrina…deaths…major setbacks…broken hearts…failed relationships...guess what...& I’m still here…better than ever b/c of who...God. I have been blessed w/the strength & courage to face issues head on...in turn I am better...wiser...stronger than ever. I'm encouraged today...to be. I have always been able to say...but actually being is different. I can literally be ME & all that encompasses in God. I'm free to be...ME That is an awesome revelation. That I, me, Shanette Renea Parks is powerful, rich, happy & healthy & can say that in all honesty & sincerity. It’s amazing. I'm looking forward to an awesome year...one in which I will blossom into myself...who I am to be...what I am to do...outside of my limited vision...the world's limited path for girls like me...the plan that has been set forth by anyone other God, Himself & I am trusting in God that this is so & so it is!
I'm ready...are you?!
I'm excited!!!
...for my UNLIMITED UPGRADES!!!

I said all that to say...love yourself...if you don't who will???
Well luckily, Jesus always has your back...but it’s hard to understand what that love means when you don't even love you!
So love you!
Fuck these h8ing ass bitch niggas & hoes...who live they lives to h8 on anyone doing anything they are too fucking cowardly to even try! Uncap yourselves. Release the you within that is destined for your own greatness! Unlimit God in turn unlimiting yourself & I promise nothing or no one can tell you what? ...NOTHING!!! (I love Ye!)
There is nothing wrong w/doing you...being confident...loving self...being smart...being feminine...being independent. So don't allow society to fault you for doing so...it’s not cocky its self-preservation & in this harsh world we all need to love ourselves as much as possible b/c if we don't...you already know...!

Ponder on this...a quote from my inspiration for this blog: the witty, the classic, the trendsetting, the talented, the uber cool...Carrie Bradshaw of SATC...
I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous. (In case you needed affirmation that I ain't just talking shit!)

So until next time...do you, something special for you, if it’s just deciding to love you more...do that!

♥Sdott♥

Young & Foolish

2008-03-06T13:21:00.000-06:00

I wish I knew.
I wish I knew what I should do.
I wish I knew what to do about you.
I wish I knew what I did was cool.

I don't feel right.
I don't feel wrong.
I just don't feel content.
I don't feel @ peace.

I thought it would be a release.
I thought I would feel @ ease.

Its inexplicable.

I have never been so confused.
So...back & forth.
So...up & down.

I just want to be okay in my decision.
I don't get confused...not about this.

I just don't know & I don't like NOT knowing.
I feel like...like...I'm out of control.
I'm a control freak...when it comes to my mind.
Does that sound insane?
Well either way. I don't like things having an affect on my mind unless that's what I choose & I don't choose this. I choose to let go. I choose to end it. I choose to move on...but...but...I can't. Its like its trapped in my mind. Running around my every thought. Just the thought of did I make a mistake...was this a bad decision...make it stop!
I don't know how...
I just want it to be over.
I just want it to be over!
Right?

Right...I think.

*sighs* S. Parks

"Put It in My Pocket!"

2008-03-03T23:58:00.010-06:00

Man! I swear in the '08 Imma start pimping every fucking body! So I would advise you to get w/it or get lost b/c I'm sparing no one!
Fuck all that other shit...its bogus anyways! Love & kindness & shit...nope...BOGUS!
UNLESS...! That's your hustle...everybody has to have a hustle! Like Obama...his hustle is hope & change & shit...& America (white folk) is eating that shit up w/a spoon baby & I love it! Hell I'm in love w/Obama & I don't even believe in love...but his whole self makes me cream!
He is pimping America SO tuff...that he is the inspiration for my post today!

PIMP-Put It in MY POCKETS, bitches!

See I've been being real pleasant...but I'm cutting that shit as of yesterday. I know I know...I said I'm not that girl. That girl who take niggas $ & gifts & shit...but fuck it...why not...they offering...& I ain't fucking em...so wth not?! I'm taking they shit w/all pride STILL in tact baby & I'm loving every minute...cus I'm on that ME & $$$ kick, so if you ain't bout that, you falling on deaf ears & blind eyes niggas! Just like I can't see you (you know that's my fav thing to say..."these niggas GLASS to me!")...I can't hear you either! Until I get what I want & where I wanna be...that's all I can see...ME & $ $ $!!!

The hustle. The grind. Its serious out here man. Get yo mind right...b/c nigga's is selling dreams ALL day & if you foolish enough to buy into it, I can't fault him...I fault yo silly ass! So I don't knock hoes who getting what they want...its the tactics I knock. See. Bitches think w/they hearts not they minds. Emotional by nature. Which is why fucking a nigga is NOT the best measure. Be smart. Niggas are dumb as fuck but they're rational! That's what hoes lack...rationale. Of course you can use what you have, to get what you want...but don't you have more than pussy??? I mean I'm just saying...a tight mouthpiece can & will get you much further in life than a tight ass. Gain a nigga's mind & you in...ALL day...b/c after they fuck...that's a wrap...I don't give a damn how good you think you are. That's just the nature of a man...they are animalistic...not that bright but they're creative b/c they know they're prey. If the prey doesn't know how to survive then she is what?! Conquered. Now unless this is your plan, then I suggest you learn your hunter b/c the shit is real.

Better stop waltzing through life like its a fairy tale. The good life doesn't always come to those who are deserving...think about it folks...I can't give y'all every damn thing...Imma start charging y'all too hell!

Let me give you a real good example so you won't just be like "Shanette STAY talking shit..."...lets take Usher & his he-man wife...I can't stand that hoe but I gotta give it to her...she knocked that nigga off his feet like Donnel Jones! Come on nay...this bitch was married when they started fucking...niggas don't marry other niggas' bitches...they fuck em & leave em alone...THEN this bitch comes in with kids...like 3/4 of em! Lets be real...she NOT that haute...she fat as hell...she old as shit...whack as fuck...but clearly she got that head game right & I mean that in both aspects of the phrase. Think about it...this Usher we're talking here...can you imagine the amount of hoes he's fucked?! The shit he's done?! Pussy was NOT the determining factor in this union baby! I mean its not even like he hasn't been in long term relationships w/beautiful women...but come on nay...from Chili to this hoe?! Yes! That bitch fucked up his mental & turned his ass clean out! Got him going against his Mother...now you know you got a nigga fucked up when he don't even do what his MAMA say! So kudos to you, Tameka or whatever the fuck yo name is...you get a gold star in my book! (I still wanna fuck yo man though...In the club...LMAO!)

So thats all I'm saying girls...use yo brain 1st!
I'm on some other...betta get yo mind right fucking w/me b/c if you fuck w/me you gon fuck w/some pimpin!

I'm on another level.
It might look easy but it requires some work...HARD work!
See you @ the TOP, bitches!
YA DIG!!!

~Sdotter
I swear I don't love these hoes!

I'm NOT a TOTAL Wierd-O!

2008-03-01T21:23:00.002-06:00

I like it when I find that people have similar experiences to mines.
People I don't know.
I like it when I feel less like a crazy & more like a person.
Not all the time but sometimes its cool.

girlspoke.com/2007/05/11/you-dont-have-to-fuck-me-twice-to-get-the-point-across/

I have been back & forth about my decisions lately & I'm feeling quite regretful.
The fact I've been going back & forth was indication enough that I've been making some not so good decisions. Here's how I comfort myself when I do dumb shit..."ahh you only live once; good thing God is on your side; eat ice cream & drink wine."

If I don't get a handle on my mental I swear I will NEVER prosper & I'm destined for GREATNESS hence I must do better. I swear I am a complete fuck-up when it comes to the $$$. I just literally lose my mind. I acquired this fatal flaw from my mother...only hers is a little bit different. I buy stuff. She throws hers out the window...she buys stuff too. I promise! I will do better. God give me strength!

I was thinking that maybe I'm bored & stuff like that but no that's not it...I'm just fucking up & I need to GIT & fast, like yesterday...in fact can we rewind like 3 weeks?? No. Okay...so do better? Yes. Okay. Got it.

BTW-I'm over this blog...but I'm just rolling w/it b/c I know its good for me & I have fans (YAY...thanks guys!)

I know you're like don't you regret that other seemingly quitter-like hasty decision you made last week? Nope. I thought I did for like 2.34 days but I decided I don't. It is what it is & it was not what was haute. Unfortunate? Yes. Depressing? Nay. I'm too into myself to be depressed about anything @ the moment...besides God is too good to me to waste my energy on depression...that's the whackness w/ CAPS!

I love my weird self b/c I think it makes me cool..in fact I think pretty much everything I do is cool...someone once said I think I'm "the definition of cool," don't know if I'd say all that...but then again if I did that wouldn't be cool...so they could very well be correct ;)

So I say...Hey! Love you...the gOOd, the BaD & the FABulous!!!
If you you don't who will?
That's right...nobody!

XOXO,

♥S. Parks♥

Its been a LONG time coming...

2008-02-28T23:14:00.005-06:00

Taking a break from my trivial little self-absorbed life to pay homage & respect to those who have come before me. Those who toiled & struggled to make certain that the life I lead today is filled w/joy & happiness & ultimately freedom.

Think about that for a moment...can you imagine dedicating your entire existence to assure that not even you, maybe not even your children but the future children, maybe your great grands & their generation have a better life. Can you imagine that, that's like totally insane! No? You suffer. You fight. You die. All in the name of justice, freedom, equality...for the future!!! AMAZING! I can't even express in words how that affects my mind, my soul.

I mean I don't really like talking about all the different things that have happened to the black community, just b/c I can't really handle it w/o getting angry. I haven't really experienced blatant racism in my life, so I have little to compare anything to, but I think its important for young Black America to remain abreast of their history, not just to avoid repeating the past but for a clear sense of self. That knowledge can enable us to be a better people. To pattern those before us, to create a better future for ourselves and those to come. Its imperative. Its critical! Its life saving.

I have always thought about how I my life can be a vessel, a model, for my peers, for the younger generation. I would hate for the work of my immediate ancestors, grandparents, parents even to be a waste b/c I chose not to be to carry out their efforts. That is a huge fear of mine.

So...I try not get so full of myself. Which is why I took a trip to the National Civil Rights Museum this week. I learned SO much...I needed like a whole day though...so I will definitely return, maybe next Monday. It is truly amazing to know I come from such greatness. I don't think people understand that struggle=character=GREATNESS! Those people who sacrificed their lives for you & me, gave us definition, which is why we MUST read...to know who we are, where we come from, what we're capable of doing. Look @ how far God has brought us as a people...from being classified as less than a person to a presidential hopeful...WOW!!! AWESOME!!!

Here's a few pictures from the Museum (that I wasn't supposed to take, but I couldn't resist...so enjoy & be inspired!)...

"WHITE ONLY" (Backwards)

"3/5 of a Man"

Conversation between Mrs. Corretta Scott King & Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., 4/16/63, while he was in jail.

Malcolm the Great!!!

Sonia Sanchez on Bro. Malcolm.

They died for us to vote...so VOTE!!!

"Black Panther Party"

"The room, balcony where Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot & killed."

My sister & the kids reenacting the shooting scene.

"The Lorraine Motel/Natl Civil Rights Museum"

This lady has been boycotting the museum for like 8,000 days, literally! She believes MLK would've wanted it to be used for better purposes, like outreach, etc.

Educate Yourselves.

Happy Black History Month.

Its America's hiSTORY!

~S. Parks

Too Young to Go Steady

2008-02-24T23:11:00.003-06:00

Today was long. Exhausting. A roller coaster.
My head hurts. I'm tired. My stomach hurts.

I just don't even know what to say anymore.
I'm so over this thing w/him I can't even talk to him anymore.
We don't talk anyways. We beef.
Can anyone tell me what happened?
Its me isn't it? I'm the bad guy right? Typical!
I don't even care anymore & that's NOT good, though according to him I never cared.
Maybe he's right. I don't even know anymore & I'm done trying to figure it out.

After this post there will be no more mentions of this...unless we strike gold & shit gets right...that's it on the "2nd Chance" postings.

So I'm going to give you a thorough insight into a recurring conversation we have re: "the relationship & sex"...feel free to chime in...then I'm going to give my personal prediction of what's to come & what I would like to happen & more importantly how I feel.

Here goes:

A synopsis of our l8est conversation, All-Star, post-confessional (read the previous post).

Him: Why is it so hard for you to commit to me?
Me: Its not personal.
Him: It has to be. You've commited b4 without cheating.
Me: That was different.
Him: So it is me?
Me: No. Its me.
Him: Excuses.
Me: Its the truth though. It is what it is & I am who I am.
Him: Well you're fucked up & this shit is for the birds.
Me: You're being unfair. I told you how I was upfront. I told you what I'm capable of, right now. The problem is you thought you could change that, but you neglected to understand this has nothing to do with anyone but me. These are my own issues & until I am ready to reconcile them this is how it will be. My mistake was I actually thought you could understand that & deal with it...that was my fault. I should've stuck w/my instinct.
Him: Which was?
Me: That you couldn't/can't handle me.
Him: You won't allow me!!!
Me: I've been more than compromising for YOU!
Him: Really?!
Me: Yes really, you asshole! The Shanette you met initially: the aggressive, mean, self-absorbed, stubborn, bitch has changed to accomodate YOU! Despite what you think, I STOPPED having sex for YOU! Actually, I didn't even want to have sex w/anyone else. I cut everyone off for YOU!
Him: Okay, Shanette, you just had sex! What are you talking about?! You are the one who wanted the open relationship, not me, YOU!
Me: True, but...
Him: But what? But, you're a fucking liar!
Me: Chill out.
Him: I hate when you do that! Demean me & my anger, like I don't have the right to be so.
Me: What I'm saying is this. I haven't been having sex, because I have only wanted you, but gotdamn how long do you think I'm just going to go w/o. You accuse me. You provoke me. WTF?! Am I supposed to do?! I have needs! You know how I am. No wait I forgot you shun me when I even mention sex. Like the shit is the worst fucking thing ever!!! So maybe you don't know...or you chose NOT to know!
Him: Here you go...so I'm the blame for you wanting to fuck other niggas.
Me: I just said I don't want to, but what I am supposed to do when you won't fuck me & there's no justification. Just some bullshit about, you not fucking me if I'm fucking other people, that's a problem for you. You treat me like I'm a hoe or slut or something. If I am such, wtf are you w/me?!
Him: Yes, I do have a problem w/that & that turns me off, no it pisses me off & it makes me look @ you differently in that capacity. Do you think I just don't want you?! That's crazy! I just want you to want me, completely. No one else. I don't want to think about who you've been with, and who knows you. I HATE that!!!
Me: So don't think about it. Trust me when I say its not like that. Its not about that. The open relationship is for my sanity. The mere thought of a relationship makes me want to vomit. You knew this, yet you insisted, persisted on forcing me into this...what did I do. I gave in...okay not completely but I made/making an effort. Can I get a little cred?! NOOOOOOOOOO All I get is drama & beef!
Him: Stop making me feel inadequate & maybe I could focus.
Me: Stop making it a fucking issue & maybe you could enjoy it! Its JUST sex!!! Jesus Christ! Get over it!
Him: How can I, if I know you want it ALL the time? & I'm not there to fulfill...!
Me: See what I'm saying...this conversation is SO fucking whack man...you have NO idea what I like & you don't care to know. I'm over this shit.
Him: I know you are b/c you don't care about us, no you don't care about ME! There is no us.
Me: Ugh! Whatever.
Him: My point exactly.

That's about the gist of it...everytime we discuss this...a WASTE of FUCKING TIME!!!

I have come to the conclusion that we are just incompatible sexually. Now here's the dilemma...@ 24 years of age I am not sure that I can accept that & be happy. Especially, w/him making me feel like I'm the problem. So...we have decisions to make...can he deal w/me & my issues w/commitment until I'm ready to commit & can I deal w/the lack of sexual chemistry until I figure out what is I'm going to do??? I figure I MUST really like him b/c I would NEVER debate re: a nigga. I just don't do such things. I either do or I don't. No in betweens. No back & forth. No months of debate & confusion. I can't explain to you or him how much I want this thing to work...that's why I'm still here & it hurts my feelings when he says I don't care, but of course that just pushes me away & I really act like I don't give a fuck. Its all an act though & he knows that...he just doesn't believe it...he doesn't believe that I like him, but I can't express how much I sincerely like the man! He's GREAT & if we can get past this man, I'm afraid of how hard I COULD fall...BUT (and this is a BIG but) I'm getting REALLY bored! When I get bored, I do dumb shit...like entertain WHACK niggas & waste time & $$$! NOT GOOD, I know.

Let me just say its not just the sex folks, or @ least not necessarily the act...its the feeling, the feeling that you're not wanted. I'm SO into myself & I know that's bad...but I swear I could literally get off on just the feeling of WANT...its the best feeling ever! I mean you feel invincible, SUPER confident, well @ least I do! Don't get me wrong I know I'm haute w/o the approval of others...its not the approval I seek...its the desire...that's what it is DESIRE! When someone desires you, there is passion...strong feelings, alomst uncontrollable. It makes me feel powerful & what's better than $ & sex combined??? P O W E R!!! Yep, read a history book if you don't believe me...naw just turn on the tv...its everywhere! So that's the thing...I don't feel the passion.

So...today...we decided to call it quits...yeah I'm sad but I'm relieved too. I don't want to hurt him & I was rapidly approaching that 'I don't give a damn mentality' which would def result in someone being hurt & that someone was NOT going to be me! He too, was getting frustrated w/me & the arguing & the lack of progression & the confusion. We couldn't find a resolution. So we gave in. We've succumb to the pressures. Maybe the release will give us some individual insight to make the 'us' thing work. Maybe I'll grow up. Maybe he'll be more understanding. Honestly I can't see myself giving this a 3rd go round...but hey you never know, I gave it a 2nd & that was out of character so...maybe...or maybe its just not meant...guess we'll never know huh...maybe...maybe...Next Lifetime???

Its been real.
I enjoyed the time spent.
I hope we remain friends.
Kevin will always have a special place in my heart...almost made it melt & for that I'm most appreciative & quite impressed! ;-)
REAL TALK!

XOXO
~Shanette *Cookie*

The Sweet Taste of Sin

2008-02-21T23:16:00.001-06:00

GUESS WHO'S BIZZACK?!

i KNOW i KNOW!
iTS BEEN 4EVER!
SAWRY!
i don't have Top...he is gone & never coming back...new computer on the way (it has no name yet).

Anywhoo...a whole lotta nothing has been goings on since I last checked in.

Lets c here...biggest thing is "2nd Chance", I guess. He's still here...BARELY...or maybe its the other way around...maybe I'm the 1 who's hanging on by a thread! "I'm tired of you, Shanette." My thoughts..."bye then nigga, what's keeping u here?!" Ugh! I swear we have done a complete muthafucking 3hundred & sixty degrees, ya hear me?! I mean I don't know where the shit went wrong...oh wait...yes I do...the moment we started the "relationship talk" PROBLEM #1-55!!! I told y'all, him, them, me, us...that this would happen! As soon as u start talkiin that shit, what happens? Shit changes! Guess what happened...SHIT HAS CHANGED like a muthafucka!

I mean I'm just @ the point where I could give a fuck less...who wants 2 be in something 2 days & already be like "damn wtf happened 2 us?!" I know I don't, hell & I'm sure he doesn't either...no matter how GREAT I (THINK) I am!

So...our last encounter...All-Star-NOLA (I would give yall the scoop on all the happs but I was TOO fucking slizzy 2 recall anything worth mentioning...maybe the next post I'll come up w/something), which btw was a muthafucking blast bitches, sucks 2 be u if u weren't in the midst! So anyways.."2nd Chance" was there for 1 day, 1 damn day & we beefed the WHOLE time!!! WTF?! The shit was SO trivial I can he recollect enuff 2 give details! So...guess what I did...don't worry I'll wait...can't guess or u just don't wanna say...okay...I had sex...yep...w/someone else...lol...sounds funny said aloud but I know its trifling as the fuck...& what's so bad is...he ("2nd Chance") was in VERY close proximity (ooohweee I'm bad as a hell)! I mean I tried not to do it...but its like he was forcing me...provoking me...accusing me...so...I said "fuck it!" I'm like "bruh, u say I don't trust u, hell u clearly don't trust me, but I don't tell lies (hardly)!" He's right I don't trust him...not yet @ least...I don't hardly trust anyone (me included). I mean he has to earn trust, you know. I don't just go around giving the shit away to any nigga asking...it ain't free! Everything cost over here baybay! SHiiiT better get yo mind right, fuckin w/me! I do extraordinary things...I'm no ordinary girl!

"2nd Chance", I knew he wasn't ready. I'm just too much, even for myself, in every aspect...not that that's like what's haute or anything...that's just me & I accept that. HE wasn't ready & I knew that...I told him that in advance but he chose to believe otherwise & this is the result of such. Anyways, back to the sex...btw-it was pretty good (sawry can't tell who it was with but when I recap All-Star next post, I might throw in some details)...& "2nd Chance" knows about what happened...of course he went ballistic! Oh if u were wondering how he knows-he asked...so I told...I'm all about the honesty thing...plus we aren't in a closed relationship so...I mean wtf would he ask if he didn't want the gotdamn answer...what happened to the 'don't ask don't tell' policy he set forth when we started this shit?! He couldn't take it! He can't take it! Its all too much for him & all this DRAMA is too much for me! I'm SO over it! I mean aren't u over hearing about it??? I just can't commit w/the sex issue pending...See this is the thing if he was str8 up about what the problem is, if there is in fact a problem, then I would be okay but this lack of communication in that realm is driving me bananas!!!! I mean I'm forthright about all my dealings & feelings, for the most...he claims I'm "only honest when I either don't care about hurting someone's feelings (which is often) or when its convienent." That's prolly true...but so what?! What does that have to do w/this issue that we've been dancing around for the past 6 damn months?! NOTHING not a damn thing!

Maybe I'm making a big deal about nothing...but prolly not though...I mean what is the point of the bf if u cant have sex or @ least say hey "I'm abstinent"...I mean I could even deal w/that...I've been abstinent b4...its no biggie...I just have to get in that mindset but hell if u don't tell me, wtf am I supposed to think??? Either u don't wanna fuck me personally (which I HIGHly doubt...not to boast but damn if I don't brag...I'm sick w/it!), or u fucking somebody else (anything's possible), or u like the same sex (again anything's possible), or u have some issues I don't know about (hmmmm). Either way I'm no fuckin mind reader, so speak up nigga!!!

I know I know...
Say Goodnite 2 the BAdgUy...I'm outta this bitch!

After all that shit I was just talking...I still like u "2nd Chance" ;)

Seriously though...we gotta GIT & fast cus I'm getting that itch...to ditch! I can tell he's not gonna deal much longer either...so who's gonna crack 1st is the question???

XOXO,

Sdotter (Cookie)

I swear I'm totally absurd!

ME & S E X...

2008-01-20T22:48:00.000-06:00

...told you we have issues!!!

I have NO idea what I'm doing w/a boyfriend. No idea what I'm doing w/a boyfriend who is not as sexual as I am. No idea why I got involved knowing this information in advance. I'm not satisfied & that sucks!

I'm not like the neediest person...but when it comes to sex...I mean I gotta have it...when I want it or else I'm a serious pain!

& I know we live in different cities but...I need attention! SEXUAL ATTENTION! Naw I need a Sexual Eruption, like Snoop...I should've included that video...but I didn't b/c that would be a post strictly about "2nd Chance" & this is not...hence the Me & Sex title!

I included Falsetto b/c it reminds me of someone...& its not "2nd Chance". The lyrics are funny...this girl talks a lot of shit (ME) to this seemingly whack nigga (Nameless) like, "nigga please u can't fuck w/me...I'm like the best thing since JC!" Well time comes it goes D O W N! ...in a falsetto! How come don't nobody never make me falsetto...make me soprano...alto...anything!!! I have made a conscious effort to be more open in terms of ego stroking, noise making, & dirty talking b/c I know turning me on is no easy task...so I fig if I help the process along...that might help me...but actually it distracts I get so caught up in what I'm saying & how I'm sounding that I lose focus on the task & start to lose the arousal...NOT good! Just once (okay...once...AGAIN) I would like for someone to really make me S C R E A M to the top of my lungs in painful pleasure (yeah I'm into that)!

I swear, aside from Bunny (the only person who really understands me)...I'm the horniest person I know...& actually that's not that cool...why? Cus who can keep up??? This dirt bag can't even comply, accommodate, alter...NOTHING! Let alone keep UP! I feel like a sucka & I aint no fucking sucka!
Decisions will be made...I hate to make in this type mindset but what other choice do I have...February's rapidly approaching as is All-Star in NOLA & I'm getting hornier by they second! Trying not to call on those I've vexed into the sea of forgetfulness...but times are getting tuff. Either Imma do something bad or do NOTHING @ all...either way...somebody loses...I'd just hate for the loser to be ME cus I'm a winner, like Kells (remember that song...from TP2...that album was filled w/'fuck me' songs!)!
Only problem is I'm not sure if either choice=a win...

Anyways...I'm blowing...& not in the way I wish...POB!

The Dream - Falsetto

~The Girl Who's NEVER NOT H O R N Y!!!

Listen Up-the 1st of '08 & its a good 1!

2008-01-07T02:39:00.000-06:00

So Far to Go
Common
Finding Forever

(d'angelo)
i wanna get closer to you baby
oooh...
you have come so far, you've got so far to go
you have come so far, you've got so far to go...

(common)
sweetheart, you know that you the most
important, at least on the west coast, ha
i'm just trippin', there's something 'bout you though
you think different and understand how i flow
got cribs on both coasts
but i'm a chicago getter
you get down, but you ain't a gold digger
you got the soul with the figure to match
your girlfriend said "yo that dude is a catch,
creative with the gifts plus he hit it from the back"
in places we ain't supposed to
we makin' music baby, you on the vocals
international lover, i never stay local
go to places that you've never been
beautiful outside, even better when it's in
you have arrived girl, you can come again
come on

(chorus - d'angelo)
you have come so far, you've got so far to go
say it again
you have come so far, you've got so far to go...
hoo... yeah...

(common)
you sexy, i know brothers try to spit to you
but i'm the only one that could get to you<--reminds me of "2nd Chance"
liftin' you, my drive is shiftin' you
i opened your freak, it's like a gift in you
i truly and thickly am thankful
long as i'm in your town i'ma stay faithful
ha, you know i can't escape you
no matter how far, you're still my star
you was there when the Marks tried to steal my car
snappin' with me, that's just how real you are
sophisticated woman, you understand a man
you don't call all the time just to see where i am
put a g in your hand, make sure you're livin' all right
makin' love is me and i'ma give it all night
turn over in the mornin', make it warmer and better
long as we can be, we can come together
come on

(chorus - d'angelo)
you have come so far, you've got so far to go
i don't believe you heard me baby,
you have come so far, you've got so far to go...

go on, go on baby
go on, go on girl
go on, go on
go on baby, go on baby
go on baby, go on baby
go on...

you have come so far, you've got so far to go
know what i mean baby?
you have come so far, you've got so far to go...

you have come so far, you've got so far to go
you have come so far, you've got so far to go...

I ♥ this album!!!

Enjoy!

~Sdot

In 2008...

2007-12-31T02:11:00.000-06:00

I know I know, resolutions=SO cheesy!

But these aren't resolutions...they are more so GIT acts! LOL!
I have to write things out...for them to manifest.
Say them aloud to believe their truth...you should try it...it works...tell yourself, "self, you're fabulous," Everyday & I bet come February no one will be able to tell you otherwise! In fact they will be in concurrence!

Get it? Well...Learn it. Love it. Live it!

There are just some things I need to make happen in '08 to assure that I'm on track for '09! Basically I need to do better...so b4 the year arrives...I've composed a little list of things that were important enough to compile themselves in my memory bank & stay put until I could jot them down...

So in '08...

I'm going to love me more!
I'm getting the _ _ _ _ up outta Memphis, permanently!
I will be completely self-sufficient by my birthday!
I will be debt-free! HALLELUJAH!!!
I'm buying a Range Rover.
I'm going to write more!
I'm going to be DRAMA FREE!
I'm going to live for ME!
I'm SO over folk & they bull_ _ _ _, I just can't deal in the '08, no indeed!
I'm going to read more books!
I'm going to travel more.
I'm going to do whatever makes me happy, b/c I can!
I'm going to save my $$$!
I'm going to be sweet to "2nd Chance" b/c he's sweet to me!

I'm going to grow in my relationship w/God!

Those are my plans & I believe them to already be done...I just have to make them manifest or @ least do my part b/c God has definitely done his & I trust Him to continue.
~Amen

Happy New Year folks.
Drink 1; Smoke 1; Pop 1 for me!

~S. Parks

Love Me, Love Me

2007-12-24T00:32:00.000-06:00

I just like all the fuss.
The chase gives me a rush.
I'm not playing games.
I just like it when you say my name!
I swear that really turns me on!

Its the attention I crave.
I feel like a slave.
...b/c I'm an addict.
I just gotta have it.
Its (almost) better than sex.
...but it definitely makes me wet.

My happiness can't be bought.
I smile at the thought.
...but I'm sold to the highest bidder.
You've definitely won my heart.
Lol, all wrapped up in an ice box & bow.

I pretend. I know.
I'm just too self-ish to show.
I know you know I do.
I'm kinda into you too.
You're really all I know...

You're hott but not as haute as me though ;)

~Cookie

Ice Princess

2007-12-09T23:59:00.000-06:00

Doesn’t every girl dream of being a "little princess" or @ least treated like one? Of course they do…and I am no exception…in fact in my mind I am a "little princess." So…yeah I’m a princess @ 24…a princess w/an “icebox where my heart used to be.”
Who’s fault is that? Could be the ex’s…could be Jack’s…could be my daddy…could be my own doing. I’m 24 though, so the blame game is a little cheesy!

First step: Recognition.
Second step: Admission.
I Recognize.
I Admit.

I’m an asshole…problem is…I don’t mind being an asshole. I’ve convinced myself that people are fickle. Flaky. They will hurt you @ some point. So I’m over it before it happens. Ironic b/c I’m the person whose always wanting the best for other people i.e. my friends & family…I never seem to hold myself in that same regard. Though my biggest want in life is to be happy. Seems to be that I am sabotaging any opportunities for happiness.

Why? Maybe I think I don’t deserve happiness. Maybe I think it doesn’t really exist. Maybe I don’t even know what it is. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy. Maybe I’m afraid of being happy then returning to unhappiness. All these maybes. I don’t know. I do know that I need to GIT & fast before I definitely miss out on something great or ruin my chances for happiness!

I.E. “2nd Chance”

I’ve basically forced “2nd Chance” to be in an open relationship. He couldn’t understand why. Says he doesn’t want anyone else. He’s with who he wants. “Why would I pursue something so diligently to ultimately be w/someone insignificant or do something stupid to jeopardize my pursuit. Makes no sense.” Yeah he’s right & I knew that before I asked him…”are you still talking/seeing other people?” He was taken aback that I would even ask such things. He quickly realized the question wasn’t really about him it was about me. “I realized I’ve forced you into something that you’ve tried your hardest to run away from, but ultimately you made the decision to be w/me…if it's not what you want say so, don’t bullshit me.” “I want it. I do. Now. I just don’t think I can fully commit to you yet. I’m just not ready (I said that about 10x). I don’t want to lose you but I don’t want to hurt you either. I’m just not ready.” (He sighs) Well I appreciate your honesty, but you have to make a decision. I’ve made mine. This about you not us. You don’t trust me. I don’t know what else to do. There is nothing else for me to do, but what I’m doing. I want you Shanette that’s obvious but I’m not going to force you to be with me. Just say the word & I’m gone.” (Now I’m sighing) “No. I just need time.” Him-“well you have until the end of January. I guess this means we’re in an open relationship but I don’t wanna hear shit about what you do w/whomever. I don’t even wanna think about the shit. So you do whatever you need to do to make sure that doesn’t happen (that’s the least you can do). Come February I don’t wanna hear shit else about this. If you still aren’t ready…I’m done Shanette, seriously…no discussions.”

It sounds as bad as it was. I felt pretty bad but I mean I really want to be honest w/him about where I am & how I’m feeling.

Truth is I don’t even understand what I’m feeling. I’m talking to other guys who are like dogshit compared to “2nd Chance” so it's not really another guy. It's me. I’m the problem.

I’m just not ready…to…be…in love…again. The thought of it makes my head hurt…makes me wanna vomit actually. I’m not a very fearful person but I’m really afraid of that. & I know. I know. Things are headed that way & I’m just not ready.

So I occupy my time w/bullshit to mask the real shit. BUT. Reality is: I’m wasting my time. His time. Everybody’s time. Being a little punk. I don’t want to hurt him. Especially over some whack shit.

I really don’t know what my deal is…I’m such an asshole but to the wrong people…well to everyone but not everyone deserves that!

Some kinda way I’ve started to be nicer to people who don’t deserve & I shit on people who deserve my goodness. Don’t know what that’s about…

Imma do better though b/c I should…for my own sake (& “2nd Chance too).

Sidebar: Is it not weird that he keeps giving me chances??? Does that not some suspect to you??? Like why would he allot me more time to make a decision when his whole reasoning for not talking to me that time was b/c he didn’t have any more time to waste on me? I’m probably over-analyzing as usual. I know. But I just think that’s kinda odd…but maybe that’s just me! I mean I know I’d be like “my nigga please” if he hit me w/that shit! Poor “2nd Chance” I don’t even think he really knows WTH he’s getting himself into!

~Shanette

“Basically I’m complicated. I have a hard time taking the easy way…I wouldn’t call it schizophrenia but I’ll be @ least 2 people today!” Gnarls Barkley

I've sucCUMb...

2007-11-29T23:50:00.000-06:00

...to the pressures that be.

Damn me.

I'm just so over the conversation.

TO be or not to be.

He says I'd never come around.

He says I'd never just say..."hey, today. Today's the day. I want to be..."

So I needed the pressure?

Maybe.

Yeah. No. I would not have ever said such.

So I guess...he's right...I think...

Either way here I am...here we are.

Being...together.

Guess we'll see what happens.

Until the happenings...do whatever...makes you happy...unless of course the pressures...make you better.

~Shanette

All I Want 4 Christmas...

2007-11-28T00:38:00.000-06:00

Includes but not limited to the following:

1. These boots from 9West.

2. A leather jacket...that looks like this (which might be quite a task b/c this 1 is insanely haute!)...OR. You could just buy this 1...Mike & Chris $902 USD...I know I know...but its so fucking fly man!!!

3. Sex & the City complete collection.

4. 2 pairs of jeans...True Religions; R&Rs; and/or Acne Jeans (just send me the doe & I will choose the jeans....so no pics needed)

5. The new iPodtouch.

Stuff I just kinda need...
Some black & brown slacks...not like black and brown like a pair of black...a pair of brown. A black blazer. I don't particularly want a suit but hey feel free... Some black pumps...would prefer a chunky heel. Some cutesy pjs (V. Secrets having a sale). Some undies. A range rover. A condo (furnished). A flash drive. A printer. A black hoodie. Another coat w/a hood. Some blouses (black, another color). A black dress. A Starbucks gift card. An ankle boot. A day @ the spa. Think that about does it...for now.

***If you wanna get me something...it will be appreciated but if you get me one of those things up there...oohwee I gots a special lil 'thank you' for ya!***

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

2007-11-26T18:11:00.000-06:00

Oh the Holidays...they bring such a roller coaster of emotions & frankly I wanna get OFF! This is NOT what's hott off in these streets man. I just can't deal! I mean realized the other day...that "2nd chance" & I have cancelled out all the goodness we experienced initially b/c we've been so DOWN for like the past 2 months or so! Its amazing how if I go back & read the blog from several months ago hell it'll seem like I'm talkin about a totally diff guy! I mean in essence he is still the same...but somewhere along the way we experience a bump and now the traction is all OFF! I'm really tryna hang on man...but uh...I'm getting frustrated...w/myself...& that is UNACCEPTABLE!

So...here's the lastest...I texted him pre-STL...wait! You don't know what happened b4 that huh? Damn! I sho don't feel like telling you either! BASICALLY...we talked right b4 my b-day & the conversation was like so crazy to me. We discussed why I didn't want to be in a relationship (seriously b/c I don't wanna!) in depth ( he thinks its solely b/c the sex is bad...well...that's a BIG factor) & he talked about how he has issues w/me having sex w/other people (I don't...anymore...nt b/c of him...just cus). I was like "HUH?!" He was like yeah, so "that makes things awkward for me when we're together...in the sexual capacity." Is that not crazy??? I'm like "you have sex w/other girls right"...he's like "yeah"...I'm like "OHHHHHHKAY! WTH?!" He's like "they don't matter...you do." I'm like "my nigga please...you sounding extra crazy...absurd even." He's like "I just feel like you're the aggressor in that area, which is unusual. Is it not? (literally pauses, as if I was supposed to answer) SO, I feel pressured (he stole my phrase...such the thief!) to be...before we even knew each other well enough" I'm like man, "whatever..." Sounds like excuses & straight bullshit to me! So that was that...we didn't talk anymore until my b-day...he texted me some whack ass text..."Happy Birthday, Cookie. I want you...still." Me-->Blah. No reply. So anywhoo...since then we haven't chatted that much until...I texted him pre-Thanksgiving & I asked what he was doing for the holiday he replied "Jersey" I no replied...I mean what was the point...that was all I needed to know. You can't do shit for me in Jersey!

Now here's where the drama unfolds...I go out & guess who I see...yeah you guessed it...I see him! >:-O <--that's me shocked, appalled & PISSED! I made my presence known...he was surprised to see me...he tried to come over...I gave the COLDEST shoulder ever in life (as Bets would say cue the Rick James "She was cold as ice!")...lol...he was like "Uh. Okay. What's your problem?" I'm such a little girl...sometimes & I'm extra stubborn...I didn't say 1 word. I swear you would've thought he was talking to the air b/c he got no eye contact, no movement, no sound...nothing! He walked away. Texted me..."you are such a fucking jerk & I strongly dislike you when you do stupid ass shit like that. & If you disrespect me like that again...we will have a problem." Me-->Blah. No reply. Next day...I see him out during the day (what are the odds?!)...I skidaddle b4 making eye contact...or so I thought...he texted me...Iunno what it said...I no reply again...yes I'm an asshole & I don't mind. Anywhoo...next night...Out again...this time in a state of inebrieation (NOT good)...I approach this time leanin & shit...fly no less. My nigga was like "Get outta my face Shanette!" So here's a secret about me: I'm SUPER sensitive...always been that way so my feelings are hurt rather easily...though I rarely show it...when I'm in my right mind...well on Henn & shit...I was NOT in my right mind! I kinda clicked out. Oh lawd. Now we have a scene goings on here...not really but in his mind it was a scene (besides I'm not a scene making type girl...Imma drama queen but I'm NO fool!). His friends were like "bruh take her home." Lol! I was like "naw I'm good, I'm leaving how I came." So I went back to my respective area and he texted a few minutes l8r like "let me take you home & make you feel better!" Me-->Hmmmm, wonder what that means...I'm intrigued! So...yeah basically we left together.

Now here comes the SHOCKER...I know you not ready but ack like you are...the sex...was freaking AWESOME!!! OMGosh! I just kept thinking (lol) "is this 4real or am I dreaming?! No wait! Who are you?!" Woolawdie it was "WOW!" Man I was just so thoroughly amazed! I was SUPER excited! Then I was like..."Wait, no. Don't get excited! What if this is like a 1 time thing...like why all of a sudden is it just SO spectacular!?!" (Yeah I think too much...can't help it!) So I'm kinda figuring it was a combination of him being intoxicated & us fighting. All this fighting may have acted as an aphrodisiac.
What you think???
So here's the good. The bad. & the ugly.
Good: I know he can fuck (sorry to be so crass...but that's what I was thinking).
Bad: I don't know why after all this time and the undeniably BAD sex episodes, what made the sex GREAT...hence I can't repeat...meaning I don't know what ingredients are need to make certain that happens EVERY time!
Ugly: The sex was good enough to make me crazy. Like be one of those "dick will make you slap somebody" chick(courtesy of Lexy Tylor...she's the crazy truff...gotta love her!) all obsessed w/their bf (yeah I said "bf"...SO!). & yes that's ugly...b/c I aint NEVER EVER been that chick & don't NEVER wanna be THAT chick...so thought of it makes me nervous!
Its the combination of things...His extra fly look+His charming personality+His BIG ass bank account+His turning out to be 'bomb ass' dick=So Gone, like Monica! YIKERS!!! SCARY!!!

Me no no what to do now!
I'm afraid...very afraid!
Umph. We'll see what happens.
Oh oh oh...here's a 4 sure sign I'm trippin...after he took me back to my destination...I texted him like 5 minutes l8r to tell him how much I thoroughly enjoyed myself...I have NEVER in all my life done such a thing! If you know me or know the blog you know that I don't usually talk to a person after I have sex w/them for @ least 12-48 hrs...its just something I do...not purposely or anything. I just don't be wanting to talk...whether it was good or bad...doesn't matter...just some weird shit I do! (I'm not weird...just misunderstood!)

So yeah man...Iunno. Iun jus no.
I do know I'm impressed...NOT @ all an easy task. NOT @ ALL!!!
Got me daydreaming & shit...lol...I'm embarrassed.
I won't even tell my friends what has happened yet...scared I might slip up & say some crazy shit...like I'm doing right now...okay yeah I'm out...

L8R homes!

~Sdotter

I've GOT IT!

2007-11-24T15:00:00.000-06:00

I figured it out...well not really figured it out...I just found a comparison to my sexual experience w/ "2nd Chance"...the episodes of SATC when Carrie is dating Berger. They are like SO in sync...until...they have SEX...& it sux!!! Well that is us!!!

I was tryna find a youtube vid of Carrie & Berger but I can't seem to find it so...just watch an episode...btw I'm still waiting on that SATC collection...Christmas is coming up!!!

I don't know what to say or do about "2nd chance" anymore...this is getting bananas. We are getting worse by the encounter. *sighs* I'll try again...since it seems to be that I'm an asshole yet again.

Blah!

~S. Parks

Listen UP-the loveH8r edition!

2007-11-17T02:54:00.000-06:00

I'm just going to be honest, b/c that's the point of this whole thing, right? Right.
So...here goes....I miss him. I miss "2nd chance"! There I said it!
I'm saddened things turned out this way.
So NOT what I was expecting. Not really sure what I was expecting but this def was NOT it!
Sux. SUX! So bad!

I NEVER like anyone man (meaning I rarely find people I'm into=SUPER picky!)...so its not fair. Its not fair @ all! Fucked up thing is, I still don't fully understand what the dilemma is...oh wait that's right...I have sex w/other people, HUMPH! Dumbest shit you ever heard? Yeah me too! Now that pisses me off SO bad! I can't even delve into it right now...or @ all...ever...b/c I don't feel like it! I don't want to. It was the weirdest conversation I've ever had w/a guy & I think I just blocked the whole thing out.
Just know it sux & we are over (b4 we even began) for an ign'ant ass reason.
...as much as I like him...I'm not even sure where we could go after this...every thing's so...so...tainted.

I really think I'm obsessing over the fact that virtually he is the one who ended the situation. & So abruptly. Its like I had no warning. No prep time. No reconcile period. Just BOOM! "That's it. We're wrapped...indefinitely." That lack of control is making me really disgusted. I'm feeling something I can't describe. Some kind of anxiety when I think of him and the thoughts are becoming increasingly frequent. Forcing themselves into my mind. Reigniting old feelings. Recollecting memories. Ponder the 'what ifs'.
WTH?! WTH is this?! Idunno & I don't like it! So STOP IT...NOW!

Anyways...listening to Bilal...this song came on & I was like "DAMN!" How Bilal know just what to say?! b/c this song describes exactly how I am feeling/felt about a "relationship" w/"2nd chance"...nothing personal just life...my life.
Maybe that's the problem...I'm too self absorbed???
Ponder on that...while...yeah...here's the song.

Bilal
1st Born Second
Love Poems

Yo, I've been meaning to tell you something.
I guess, I was just waiting for the right time.
So, why don't you sit down.

As we step from across the room.
Starting to ponder what we've been going through.
What does my kiss mean to you?
Are we just friends?
Or is this more to you?

But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
Yes, that unexpected kiss.
The whole feeling that brought me to you.
Meanwhile my feelings grow.
Grow, feelings grow, grow.

But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
That unexpected kiss. The whole feeling that brought me to you, yes.
Why rush? Why chose? Why risk this thing?
And ruin me & you.
I want the lover & keep the friend.
I want to be near you & not pretend.

But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
That unexpected kiss.
The feeling that brought me to you.
The whole thing's got me searching.

I find myself searching for love poems.
Don't know your soul, yet your presence on my brain.
Causes my pen to go insane and...I wrote these poems.

Your sight is few & far between.
Bringing my soul alive.
I find myself probing for love makers, love songs.
The love of the universe and my soul...
DAMN! What's up with my soul?!

Empty like theaters after encores.
Lonely like single mothers on the stew.
I am lonely and I find myself searching for love poems...

GROW....GROW....GROW.

I like you and all. I do.
But you see I...I can't be held down.
I need to live my life.
Too young. Too young. Got to be young.
Woah! Won't my feelings remain the same?

We could be friends, and do our thing.
Oh, can't you hear me out, yeah.
Explaining this whole thing.
Believe me...that if we label this just picture what we might lose.
That unexpected kiss that brought me to you.
But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.

BTW-WTF is Bilal?! Come on man its been 6 damn years!!!

Aight...That's enuff of that shit!
I'm outtie.
Niterz!

~Sdotter

I'm a BOY DAMON!

2007-11-14T23:35:00.002-06:00

HaHA! ChuckleChuckle!
Though this post has nothing to do w/Money Mike & Friday After Next.
Actually from Oprah, again.
Some doctor & his theory. On love & people's types.
Yep. Another quiz.
Yep. I took it.
Nope. I wasn't surprised. I guess.

You can read it for yourself and take the quiz...but basically I'm a "Director/Builder" (how he came up w/these names me no no).

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/11/12/o.love.types/index.html

Director-Specific activities in the testost... system are what distinguishes this type. (Go figure!) Then they try to make it better by saying this doesn't only apply to boys...girls can be this way too (ummmhumph). So anyways. I'm a decisive, tuff lil doggie (seriously). I am logical, detail-oriented, & bold in thinking. I don't hardly care about making new friends as opposed to doing a note-worthy job (very true). When preoccupied w/work or or personal goals I can appear aloof, cold & distant. My confidence can be mistaken for arrogance. My exactitude seems uncompromising. My forthrightedness seems rude. However w/my loyalty, dedication & eagerness to share ideas, I make a very GREAT friend (totally agree). I am also very protective of those I love (indeed). Now the Builder, is my secondary trait. Which is kinda off yet on. Calm-yes. People oriented-not so much. Social situations fun? Maybe. Like to network? Not so much, but will do it for the dough! Devouted-yes. Loyal-yes. Cautious but not fearful-very good. Not impulsive...w/money? Wrong! Actions? Usually. Feelings? DEFINITELY! Traditonal & moral-I'll buy that. Can sometimes be stoic, rigid & concrete...yep, yep & yep.

So basically...I'm an asshole who's a boy trapped inside of a girl. I don't give a damn bout folk Iunno. I love those I do. I'm narrow-minded. I have to be on top. I'm not easly excited. I'm not easily confused. I don't care if I hurt your feelings. I'm methodical & precise. Yet I'm loyal & devouted like a lil doggie!
Dang! I kinda sux! HAHA! Yeah right!
Hey, everything I'm NOT made me EVERYTHING I AM!
...HARDER, BETTER FASTER & STRONGER!

Anyways...said ALL that to say...that's why "2nd chance" and I would have never worked. I'm not his kind of girl: Real sweet and timid. Nice and fun. Impressionable yet smart. That just aint me bruh. Never was never will be. I mean hey, I don't mind. See...I'm only loyal to fam & friends. Niggas come & go. Like seriously, I don't love them hoes. They prolly gonna fuck up anyways...so I just be like whatevs. If that makes me "Anti-Cupid"? So be it. I'll be dat, like Redman! I don't mind @ all. There will be 300 more "2nd chances" only they won't get a 2nd chance! No more 2nd chances from me buddy, either get wit or get lost, like Weezy Wee!
Oh yeah "2nd chance" & I are OVER! I would tell you what happened but its SO ridiculous I won't even waste my time (I'm so lazy sometimes)...but yeah its been real & I had fun but that chapter is what? DONE! HOLLA!

& on that note I'm what? BLOWING! THIS BEEYOTCH!

L8R!

~Sdotter

DeuxDeux+Deux

2007-11-02T23:23:00.000-05:00

Sawry for the delay guys.
Its been a crazy last few weeks.
My birthday came quicker than I was expecting...which btw makes me nervous. Life is moving SO fast. I don't even think I wanna be 24 anymore. I was excited @ first but now...not so much. I feel the pressure to be...BE (like Common) better & together...and I have less than a year to get all that done...but I can & will get it done!
Maybe this is a good thing though...I need to push myself...like REALLY.
All the way out there. Handle my bizness. Get my shit together. Stop holding others accountable for my actions. Be responsible. Stop the complaints. Make good decisions. Take charge. Do me! Make ME happy. I'm very fortunate to have seen 24 years in ALl its ups & downs...I wouldn't change anything about it...why? b/c
everything I'm not...made me everything I am.
So what's the plan of action...stop talking and do. Stop trying and do. Stop being scared and just go for it.
DREAM...dream BIG! I saw Diddy tonight on The Big Idea & he said something really great..."close your eyes & dream. Open them & see." Basically close your eyes & visualize yourself doing whatever it is you would like to do...whoever it is you would like to be...having whatever it is you would like to have. Then open them & see what it takes to do. To be. To have. Our destiny is in our hands. I'm learning that.
For every action there is a reaction. So act accordingly.
I just said something real. Go back. Re-read. Ponder.
This is the epitome of what I'm saying..."You can still be who you wish you is. It ain't happened yet & that's what intuition is." ~Ye the Great!

So going to Houston. Ignited something in me. I was overtaken by the enormity. The vast opportunities. I'm like you people don't know how good you have it. This is a GREAT city. The possibilities are endless. I loved it. I had a great time. Now I'm in New Orleans...back to semi-reality...soon I'll be back in Memphis....REAL reality...blah...but I won't allow that to discourage me. I am taking control of the situation.
I VOW to no longer be residing in Memphis prior to my 25th birthday. Happy. Progressing. Living.
I am certain that all this shall come to pass simply b/c...God said so & what he says definitely GOES!
The end!

Here's some footage from my FANTABULOUS birthday...I made a speech but I can't fig out how to get it onto Top so...enjoy the pics...

Celebrating early in Memphis w/the fam.
Time 2 SHOP!!! YAY!
I SO ♥ this chair man!
I'm SO grown UP w/my Henny & cigar!
I'm SO haute, haUTE, HAUTE!!!
So anyways...I had an AWESOME birthday!
Thanks 2 everyone who made it as FAB as I am!

& On that not....I'm blowing...

Remember..."Trying=Failing w/honor" ~James Arthur Ray.
So don't try...DO!

Peace Out Little Grasshoppers!

~Shanette

Key2Life: Exercise Meditation Sex

2007-10-18T14:54:00.000-05:00

According to Oprah's guest Dr. Northrup, on Tuesday's show (not that I watch...but my sister does)...3 great ways for women to get healthy doses of pleasure:

Exercise
Meditation
Sex

"Those things increase beta-endorphin in the brain," Dr. Northrup says. "It's the natural morphine-like substance and you absolutely need it for mood modulation. And if you don't get it naturally through meditation, exercise or sex, you will get it abnormally through drugs and alcohol and sugar. You're going to go for pleasure because your body needs to have pleasure. You need it. But I'd much rather have you get it deliberately in healthy doses."

The show was actually geared towards menopausal women but I realized the things being discussed were vital for women @ any age. Healthy lifestyles. Putting yourself 1st. Acknowledging that you are in fact a person w/feelings not a machine or a robot who cooks, cleans, wifes, mothers, etc...
A lack of focus on yourself can really be detrimental to one's health. Not just women but men as well. Though I focus on women, b/c I am one & b/c women tend to be the more self-less sex. Its just in our nature. We are natural givers...until we've given all we have & there's nothing left. Mind you life is going on. Everyone around you has moved on & in retrospect you're all used up...w/no one to blame but YOU!

I have always been a HUGE giver. BUT. In recent (last 2) years I've been focusing more so on myself. What I like to do. Who I am. Who I want to be. Not (trying @ least) allowing others to interfere w/my happiness. Though people do try whether consciously or sub-consciously...the devil is ALWAYS busy!!!

Anyways, I've been having a ruff past few months w/family, boys & life in general. Wait no. Let me rewind. I no longer allow boys to wreck any flow I have. Why? b/c they just are NOT worth...too many out here & they all dawgs...so I say "fuck it...Imma dawg too! We all dawgs! ROO!!!" Fast Forward. So I've just realized I've once again allowed other people's lives to consume me. Something I vowed I would never do. In 2005, I had a ridiculously "trying" year. Break-ups, Hurricanes, Losses all around. Taught me a lot about relationships, trust, & most importantly ME! In 2006, I made a vow to myself to live for ME...b/c if I don't who will? NO ONE! No one can love me more than ME! (well aside from Jesus)

So as I watched this show. I realized I've gotten away from that. The promise I made w/myself. I know times get tuff & that's okay. I'm fine w/that. However, I'm NOT fine w/self-neglect to the point of breakdown. Though its for a good cause. I'm closely involved w/those I love. I go above & beyond the average person. I actually pride myself on my ability to do so...but there has to be a BALANCE. Key word that most people forget. I'm not a good balancer by far. I spend too much. Save too little. I think too much. Act too little. I give too much. Receive too little. I work too much. Paid too little. There has to be a balance. There will be struggle & pain, but w/confidence you have won even before you have started.

Hence I must get back to the small things that make me happy...just so happens to be exercise, meditation (yoga) & SEX (WOOHOO my fave-YES)! Other stuff too...Starbucks, trips, "new stuff"...otherwise I'm on the brink of losing my mind!!! And we can't have that now can we...esp in October...my birthday month...no indeed!!! ;)

So remember you are the creator of your own destiny...God created us in His image. Hence we already Great we just have to recognize the greatness & maximize its potential. He wants us to be happy so why do we settle for less than??? Well y'all, cus uh...I'm NOT! I don't settle. I don't deal. I do. I make. I am.

"I'm free! Look @ ME! Freedom in high fidelity! FREE!" ~Gnarls Barkley

And on that not my free & happy (& horny) ass is hungry...so I'm blowing!

HOLLA scholars!

~Sdotter

Dear Kitty Kat,

2007-10-16T07:21:00.000-05:00

Why so blue???
Do you really have to ask???
I know. I know. I kinda miss it too.
Kinda?
Okay. Okay. You're right! I'm really a horny fool!
Thought so.
Well what should we do???
WE??? No! YOU! Should stop ackin like we cool! GIT! FAST!!!
Okay! Okay! Sheesh!

~Sdotter the Scorpio

Trick Me!

2007-10-14T17:08:00.000-05:00

My second reference to Kelis's Tasty. You guys like that album too...as much I did/do? OMGosh! Me & my friend Nic made this vid of her performing to a song from that album. SOOOOOOOOO funny! Classic material, unfortunately Katrina was the cause of destruction for that little piece of history. Oh well...

Anyways.

I really kinda don't wanna talk about this. Haven't actually discussed (in detail) it w/anyone as of yet.

So...basically. I called, on Friday, "2nd chance" after pressures from my friends. We hadn't spoken in about week or so. Not for real. Bullshit texts. Blah e-mails. Awkward conversations. Anyways, back to Friday. I called. To my surprise he didn't answer. Surprising b/c he never not answers. So...I'm like "Ohhhhkay, wth?!" To my surprise & lapse of rationale I left a message..."What is going on MAN? Tired of playing games. We clearly aren't regular. So be a man & say what's on your mind b/c there IS something on your mind, right???" Hung up. Thought to myself, "not so sure that was a good idea, Shanette...no, it was not! Damnit!" I was supposed to be calling to apologize.

So...he calls back..about 6-7 hours later. By this time, I'm rather annoyed not only by him not answering the phone, but his LOOONG ass delay in returning my call. On top of the fact that I've been drinking. Its about 12 am. Here's the conversation:
(Him=2 Me=1)
1:Hello
2: What's up
1: Idunno. You tell me.
2: What was that message about?
1: You KNOW what the message is about.
2: What do you want me to say, Shanette?
1: I want you to say, "shit is cool, we're regular." So that I can stop feeling like we're playing cat & mouse.
2: Well I can't say that b/c I'm NOT regular & shit is NOT cool.
1: Well wtf is the problem???
2: You.
1: Me???!!!
2: Yep. That's it. Just you.
1: Well if I'm the problem why are you even calling me?
2: b/c I'm polite
(Now I'm MAD!)
1: Polite? No, you're a fucking hypocrite! You talk all this shit & you doing something completely different.
2: Of course. Don't take the blame. Place the blame.
1: Fuck you!
2: Yeah. I know. That's your answer for everything! You really need to...
1: Need to what?!
2: Get yo head out yo ass. Stop blaming other people for YOUR flaws. Its YOU! You are YOUR problem! All this bullshit act you put up. I don't have time for that shit. I'm a man. Period. All that other shit you're accustomed to, that wasn't shit! Its not my fault. Its not your fault. Its life. Deal. I'm sick of your bullshit, Shanette. I'm over it. I'm done.
1: .....are you serious??? Like what do you mean you're done?!
2: I mean I'm done. I'm not dealing w/YOU anymore. You're not ready. I'm not going to pressure you. SO I'm done.
1: Fine. Fine! Gotdamnit! FINE! I don't need this shit from you! wtf are you anyways?!
2: Apparently, no one, right?
1: Is this a gotdamn trick?!
2: WHAT are you talking about?! Are you drunk?
1: What?!
2: Have you been drinking?
1: WTF?! Are you kidding me?
2: No, answer the question.
1: I'm not answering shit!
2: I know. Simple question=extra complex non-answer. I don't even know why I bother.
1: Man gtf off my phone w/that shit!
2: Okay, bye.
1: Shit, bye!
*****end conversation******

Ummm...my immediate after thoughts...ANGER then...kinda sad.
Now...indifference.

Not sure what to feel.
I'm not even sure what the issue is.
I mean. I know I'm difficult & I sometimes have a hard time taking the easy way.
I just really thought I was doing so well this time.
I didn't think what I said was so bad. Honestly.
I mean. I think I am really hurt b/c I really do like him. I just don't know how much I like him. As days go by...the test of silence will prove how much I like him. Only thing is...I'm the Queen of Silence. I can completely STOP talking to pretty much anyone. No distractions needed. Cold turkey. Quit! I'm kinda heartless like that. Not saying that's a good thing. I just honestly don't think that anyone would really care. Then I ask myself, would I care...and yes, I would. So...I'm trying to stop doing that too. Damn! I can't do nothing fucking w/you sensitive mufuckas. Maybe, Moe's right...I'm not human. I'm an alien from outer space, like Janelle Monae (she's cool-btw)!
I probably am really hurt. Maybe. I just can't feel it (does that sound like bullshit?) Maybe. I really don't care. Hmmm...
Don't know what's going to happen next. If anything.
Don't know what could happen @ this point.
Hell I think I'm lost...cus Idunno what's going on around here.
Maybe I've become too self-absorbed. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe not though.
Let me just say this though. I feel tricked. Scammed. Set up even. I think he knew what he was doing & now I'm the bad guy...as usual!
Trick me once but I won't let you trick me twice.
If something does happen after this. I'm going back to "manual" mode b/c clearly the "semi-automatic" shit does NOT work. Guess it has to be all or nothing. And I just don't know how to be completely open just yet. I think too much for that.
Honestly though. He's not the problem. HE never was. I always said it was me. That I wasn't ready. But he also said he could deal. Guess he couldn't...and I'm...well...Idunno what I am.

I do know I'm outta here cus my tummy hurts.

So...there you have it...no happy endings here.

Bye.

~Shanette
(I'm not allowing ANYONE to ruin my b-day month!)

A Social Experiment

2007-10-13T13:39:00.000-05:00

So the yesterday I mentioned pretending...its this new thing I'm trying out.
Is it a crime? You be the judge.

Why?
Cus Moe said I am too tuff right. I never give anybody a chance (boys).
I deserve to be treated well by "no-chance" guys if they're willing. Freebies...gifts, food, trips, stuff<--I like stuff! Though I've just never been that kinda gal-the take stuff from guys that Iun hardly no jus cus. Think I have too much pride or something. Or that just doesn't interest me. But I'm tyring it out...and so far...I must say its going pretty good...not the stuff thing but just the "pretending" in general. Btw-I salute all you hoes (in the nicest way) who can deal w/bullshit niggas to get what you want! You bitches (in the nicest way) should get a medal or some shit...I'll look into that for you.

What?
Pretending is well...everything I'm not. I've always been a real straight up & down type-gal. What you see is what you get. Kinda harsh? Well that's me. SO if you can't deal...by all means don't. Most can't. SO I understand. It ain't easy but its worth it! :D So the idea here is to put all that aside when it comes to boys. Try @ least to not be such a "Meany." I'm really not that bad though. I just don't hardly like nobody & I have a tuff time being fake.

How?
Well. Pretend like I'm interested. Pretend like I care (cus I do NOT). Pretend to be engaged. Just pretend like I'm actually into the person you know...

Who?
SO I've been trying it out on not only new boys but current boys, past boys (the ones I can stand), & even "friend" boys.

I mean everyone wants to feel well...wanted, right? I know I like that "I want" you feeling. SO...I'm sure these boys don't mind @ all. Well...until I don't follow through on majority of the "pretends"...but I try to avoid those @ all cost (running outta stuff though). A lot of the things I've been doing with & for boys I would never do! I mean its kinda cool b/c I'm learning what I really can & can't tolerate. What I like & don't like. That I actually am moving on past "the ex". I'm being more open to new things. Being pleasant isn't so bad. I guess I have to keep in mind though...that this is just all in fun...I hope. I don't wanna hurt anyone...well actually I don't mind hurting them...I just don't want them to hurt ME! I just like to play...I'm still a kid in a grown-up's body...doing grown folk shit when its convenient ; )

So here's to wanting & being wanted...though I don't think Sade meant it in this kinda way...

Until we blog again...

CHEERS Pretenders & all you real hoes-HA!

~Sdotter

Sugar Honey Ice Tea

2007-10-12T11:35:00.000-05:00

Actually I was thinking about Loso (in case you aint noso) on the Shawty is a Ten remix (yeah I slick like it...shhh)...you should tip me! But no really the Kelis joint from the Tasty album is much more banging! Trip part is this has nothing to do w/the post other than I'm sweet as hell...in more ways than one ; D (I don't even like tea-btw)

So here's what it is about:

Anyways...so I know how October is supposed to be my month, shit...but its actually not going too haute...but I mean you know...that's life...shit never goes as planned. So no complaints. I'll just pretend (thats my new hobby...pretending...tell you bout that later) like I'm having a SUPER month!

Here's some stuff I love that ALWAYS makes me feel better whether I'm up or down!
YAY for STUFF!

So...I not I'm not like the biggest girlie girl but hey...lilies & tulips-MeLikey! No thanks roses and hells naw to carnations-got that from Carrie (Bradshaw-duh!)

Speaking of Carrie. SATC DEF makes me smile! Love love loves it!

My #1s make me happy...Maddness & Addness (their crazy Mommies too)! YAY! They're growings on up!

Shopping!!! (nuff said) I just like the concept of newness...it could be toothpaste...and I'm excited...after my 1st use though...I'm over it.

Compliments!!! Who does NOT like compliments?! Now I know I'm fly as a mufucka BUT its always nice to know that someone else KNOWs that too! lol.

$$$-lets be honest...the root of all evil-yes...but don't ya feel GREAT when ya bank account is right?! Well I do...forget you!

Mani/Pedi-OMGosh! I feel so extra good afterwards! So like the princess that I am! Yep my BIG grown ass is STILL a princess, bitches!

Sushi & red wine-those are instant mood changers (well really salmon)...its a scientific fact!

Music! I'm a music lover...all kinds. Coltrane to Lil Jon! Music that says what I'm thinking. That inspires me. That uplifts me. That makes me happy. That makes me (wanna)dance. That I can associate w/a time & place in my life. That's what I love. Like Ye. He always knows just what to say & for that he's #1 in my book! (too bad I already used my pic of me & Ye in the other post...ah well)

I know y'all tired of hearing this one..but Iun care! I ♥ New Orleans, LA w/all my heart & soul!!! Makes me feel so content. Like nothing else matters. Ahhh...the G.O.O.D. Life!

A great night out...hanging w/the girls or chillin w/my boo...topped of w/a lil or a LOT ;) S E X = YES YES YEAYUUUUUUH!!! So what?! I'm kinda nasty...but hey if I don't mind...then neither should you...besides...you prolly like it more than I do! :-P

My awesome friends make me happy...sometimes...bitches...j/k.

My suder & her chappies...they drive me CRAZY but I love em no less...its like they're my own...except...they're not...and that's what so great! Although...my family is extremely dysfuntional! Whooo Lawd knows they are freakin INSANE but man that's the irony...NEVER a dull moment...and I lubs it! They make my world go round...I'm extremely Blessed.

Speaking of blessed! My #1 homie & main man Jesus ALWAYS brightens my day. He's the reason for all my seasons baby! Everything I'm not made me everything I am! Forver in his debt for saving a little sinner like me! I'm awesome just b/c of that! Why would I expect anything less??? WHY?! Hence...I don't! Which is why I takes none & dishes even less! I don't even deal w/less thans...There I said it...I'm tha bomb watch me BLOW!

...blowing right on away...

Till we blog again...if you're having a bad day, week, month, year, life...remember you're in control of you. SO...if you wanna be misreable by all means...BE, like Common. BUT if you wanna be happy, just do it, like Nike! Think good thoughts...no really...it works. I know...I tried it. Take control. Pray. Love you. Be happy. That's all I wanna do. (stack a lil paper-tithe (can't forget who GAVE me all I need & more)- & have fun too...lol...that's not too too much is it?! NAaay...I didn't think so either)

Okay peace out little grasshoppers.

~Sdotter

Optimistic! October!

2007-10-05T14:04:00.000-05:00

I ♥ Fall!
Its such a Fantabulous time!
The great weather...for picnics...dropping the top...trips to the lake...adventures in the park...boat rides...flyin kites...having BIG fun!
The clothes...chic coats...snazzy sweaters...bangin boots...thicke tights...hip hats...darhling dresses...HAUTE, HAUTE, HAUTE!
My bday...friends...family...food...cake...drinks...dancing...clubs...boys...THE G.O.O.D. Life...living it...even when I'm not!
Its just all so lovely!

Wow! My b-day...its already October?!
2 4! Yikes!
This means I have a little over a year to FA REAL FA REAL GIT!
No like really!
I can list a number of things that I am dying to have accomplished by then but none of them are as important as...RELOCATION!!!
If I am not out of Memphis by October 5, 2008...I am literally going to just pack up and leave w/whatevs in the bank & whatevs on my back...I'll fig the rest out when I get to where I'm going.
Seriously...this shit here...this shit right here nicca...is for the birds!
I have gotten ALL that Memphis can offer ME!
So M-town...we cool & all...but HOLLA!

So anywhoo...like I was saying...I'm expecting a stupendous birthday...not that I'm just doing anything extravagant...but I mean you know...to see another year...healthy & haute ;) is enuff in itself to shout GLORY! So...GLORY! Though hopefully I'll be in Houston/New Orleans for my b-day week...hanging w/Madd&Nic...Moe,Sdubb, & Sach...and whomever else wants to be in the mix...which is usu errbody. No like really somebody is always tryna hang...I be like "uh no thanks...all of our hanging spots have been filled, lol!"

This time last year my hair was a lot longer...well not a WHOLE lot but I mean you know...a noticeable amount...I could wear a lil "white girl ponytail" So...gotta fig out what Imma do bout my hair...money is uh...subpar...and my hair is au naturale (BOOOO-perms!)...so my choices be kinda limited...I'm not a big weave fan...something about the whole "fake" thing disturbs me. I can only go as far as braids and even that is bothersome. SO...we'll see...keep ya posted.

What else is poppin off?

Oh yeah. Called "2nd chance" after a 3-day silence. He gave me the asshole-one-answer treatment. Hell I gave it right back...then I caught myself. I ignored it & tried to smooth him over but he just wasn't feelin it so I was like okay whatevs. Though I was kinda hurt like "Dang! What's THAT about?!" Then I texted him like "what's your deal? Is there something up? We not cool?" He hit me w/the long ass pause b/c he knows I hate that shit! I'm like "I KNOW you by yo phone cus we JUST got off...WTF!" He replied like "What?" I was like "Ugh. NEvermind. Hell!" Him: "See that's the problem now...your nonchalant attitude." Me: "WTF does THAT mean?!" Him: "You don't give a fuck about me. How you call me 3 days after you ain't heard from me...knowing I am pissed @ you...like shit is cool?!" Me: "I mean. How you not call in 3 days like that's cool?! Was that a test or some shit?! We playing games now?!" Him: "Shanette you are SO self-absorbed and despite what you think in that little Me, Myself & I-filled mind of yours...everything is NOT about YOU and you're NOT alwyas right! Get over yourself!" Me: "GTFOH! I'm not talkin about this shit via text...I don't even know wtf you talkin bout!" Him: "OF course you don't. Its cool. I'll call you later...cus I know its your way or NO way!" Me: Blank text-In my mind-"STFU!" I ain't replyin to that crazy shit! That was Sunday. Ask me if I have talked to him...go ahead ask me...HELL NAW! And today is what?! FRIDAY, BITCHES! But its cool...I'm cool. Whatevs. I ain't playin w/no grown ass nigga! He's not about to ruin my damn birthday month! SUCKA! I will move right along on that ass...like Bey..."you must not know bout me...lets go lil Kitty Kat!" HOLLA!

...and on that note...

I'm blowing...

Have a fabulous Fall...go buy a fly ass military style trench. Rock a bold purple top. Uber cool jeans. Some SUPER tall, platform, knee-length boots. Lots of bangles & big ass earrings!
I know. Its not that cold yet...but it doesn't hurt to be ready. Right now is the transition phase...SO...you can pretty much rock whatevs...me...I'll be sticking to my white tees. Jeans. Ballets. LOTS of accessories! You know how I do!...well no you don't but I mean. You know...

Okay guys gotta jet...I SO need to RELEASE myself...lol...I know...EWW! ...but I said that b/c it made me think of Diddy's YouTube vid where he goes to the restroom...that's how I feel right now...SO FUNNY!

POB!

~Sdott

b/c I don't wanna...

2007-09-29T17:51:00.000-05:00

My response when "2nd chance" asked "So what's it gonna be?" No. "Well uh...why not?" ...b/c I don't want to.

He went off. The next day. I felt bad. Kinda. Wasn't tryna be a jerk. Thought it was better than actually saying why...but maybe not.

Maybe I should've said:

I don't want to b/c...
I'm not ready.
I'm doing me + myself + I...and you don't fit into the equation...yet.
I don't trust you...yet.
I trust me...even less.
I'm too young to go steady.
Its far too much pressure.

I don't want to have to ...
...tell you where I'm going.
...what I've been doing.
...when I'm coming back.
...who I've been screwing.

I don't want to b/c...
I like things the way they are.
I like you.
I really do.
Its the shit that comes after that I'm not trying to go thru!
My stomach hurts. I sweat. Head pounding...@ the thought.
I don't want to b/c...
I actually care about you.

I don't want to have to...
...not know you when I thought I knew...
...that you wouldn't hurt me like the rest of them do...
...give all of me + 10% like I usually do...
...in vain & unnoticed by you.

Then the long distance.
Though not that far.
Enough for me to have resistance...
...against the thought of yet another relationship...
...based solely on "are you coming to see me this weekend?"

Then there's the...well...yeah...the sex or lack there of...
...I feel like a wife...a sad little wife.
Who adores her husband, finda him attractive but lacks luster.
I'm trying. I'm dealing. I'm coaching.
Just not sure you're reciprocating.
And that for me is a prollum.
Biggie?
Yeah. Kinda.
I'm 23.
What's wrong w/wanting to have that aspect of your relationship be just as important as any other?
Once a guy wouldn't even date me b/c I was a virgin...lol...I was offended @ the time but now I understandd. Hey he had needs. He's a man. If he wasn't getting it from he'd get it from someone else...and why even bother getting involved to deal w/the drama. Save time. Trouble. And. Hearts.
Same concept.
I like sex.
For now. Its important.
Idunno what else to do or say.

So...there it is...the reasons why...I don't wanna.
Is that hard to understand?
Tuff to deal with?
A little overbearing??
Maybe...but it is what it is.
Why can't we just do what we're doing?
Why the labels?
Why the "commitment" convo?
Why?
I like this.
I like you.
I like us.
...but I don't like that.

I just don't wanna...not now.
Maybe later.
Maybe soon.
...but not today....nope I'm not gonna.

Hope you understand.
...but if you don't.
Then Idunno.
I'm not gonna front...

~Shanette

I'm the Prollum...

2007-09-28T23:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, it's me...I realize. I confess. I digress.
I'm the prollum...but guess what I don't give a fuck!
I don't talk shit. I'm pretty quiet matter fact.
Yet I'm to blame for all the pain & never cut an ounce of slack.
Okay...so I'm the prollum...I get it now.
My tongue is sharp. My words quick.
Harsh but sincere. To your skin they stick.
I'm unaware of my effect.
Until its too late & my words I regret.
Or not. Really.
I mean well. The delivery is just off.
I'm honest.
I'm melancholy.
I have slight asshole tendencies.
I'm me.
I feel.
I cry.
I laugh.
I have weak moments.
I'm me.

Change is weird.
I'm not a fan.
I've changed enuff for people & situations.
Some good.
Some bad.
I'm not changing anymore.
I wuz who I wuz b4 I got here.
If you don't like it...do what I do...relieve yourself.

I am commited to no one.
No one is commited to me.
I fear commitment.
Too much pressure.
I'm sorry "2nd chance" I'm just not ready.
Ready for you.
Ready for me...you're not...you just think you are.
I'm a task and I know that...but I'm free.
Free to be me. In a world where being you is...well its...Golden.

So if you find that I'm your prollum.
I'd advise you to relieve yourself for I am living...my life like its Golden ; )

As long as I got my Mommy & Jesus...I'm straight, like T.I.!

I love my friends.
I love my family.
I just love me more.
What's wrong w/that?
I gotta be this way to get me together.
If I don't...who will?
Eggzactly.
No one.
Not you.
Not them
Not her.
Not him.
Me, myself & I.
Nobody can match my hustle but me.
Nobody can understand my struggle but me.

Can't continue to live my life always putting myself out there for others!
Or can I?
Is that my life?
Huh God?
Is that my destiny?
To dedicate my life to the betterment of others?
At the cost of...my sanity.
Though I hope not. If it is. I accept.

...and w/that I'm blowing...like the wind...until we blog again...I'm going to pop a Xanax cus y'all tryna drive me nutz!

~Shanette

Stupid September!

2007-09-22T15:02:00.000-05:00

Can I just tell you guys something?! Really??? Okay, here goes...
September has been the worst fuckin month EVA!
I mean like really!
Its been so bad that I can't even cry about the shit!
That's how you know shit is bad when you've just zoned the fuck out, suck it up, and deal, like the shit is okay. Well gotdamnit! This shit is NOT okay! FUCK! I need vacay man, like yesterday! A massage like 3 weeks ago, and some head like a month ago! Real talk!
I mean. Shit is bad. The fam is crazier than eva. I'm on the edge man...I'm on the mufuckn edge. Swear to God. Don't gimme a reason or I'm jumpin the fuck off...not really...but you know.
*sighs*
Then I have had like 75 (BAD) encounters w/exes! Its like revenge of the fuckn ex! The hell?! GO A WAY! BEtta yet...Imma go away cus clearly I'm the fuckn prollum! CLEARLY!!! SHIT!

First...saw punk bitch dawg married ass C. Que, often referred to as the ex. Ugh I was so thoroughly annoyed by his presence. I mean like I lit wanted to vom! He was so outdone that I wouldn't give him the time of day. "No bitch! I'm ova yo dawg ass. Fuck you & an yo GOOD dick!" (LOL!) I swear to god I think I hate him...is that a sign I still have feelings for him??? I doubt it. But maybe. Not like "I wanna be w/him" type feelings. Just like "I still can't believe you fucked me over, cus I really did love you" type feelings. Always a possibility. Anyways. Seen dat nigga twice. Both times I skedaddled. I swear he just does NOT get it! I don't think he ever will. I could be married w/4 kids (please lawd! NO!) and dat nigga would still try me! Ugh! He's so fuckin egotistical! YUCK! Anywhoo...that was about the jist of our encounters.

Movin on...

Not sure if I've ever mentioned this guy, B who I was once friends; we got intimate & shit got crazy. Basically we've been friends since Junior High. We kinda lost touch in highschool. Even more so in college until one time I went to ATL for NBA All-Star weekend & we spotted each other amongst the enormous crowd of black folk! He was going to Morehouse. I was @ Dillard. We vowed to neva lose touch again (awwww). No really he was a really cool guy. So I was excited to see him and catch up and stuff.

Next time I saw him was about 6 months later in Memphis. Out. We had been talkin alot via e-mail and stuff. Just reg catch up chat. Well...this time he was kinda extra in my face. Kinda extra touch feely. I felt kinda weirded out but I blamed it on da liquor. Until...later that night he texted me and it wasn't a regular "how you doin" text...more like...how YOU doing (like Joey from Friends). So anywhoo...he kinda hooked up. The next day. I was like "aww shit that was not a good look Shanette." Well no IT was good but the fact that we did that...we didn't discuss it first...or nothing. But it seemed cool...he didn't trip & neither did I. This went on for like 2-3 years @ random...not often @ all...b/c he lived in the A & I was in the N.O.

Then he got a girl (she is a straight nut basket btw-from Cali-so you know how they are!). They got serious. We talked less. I got involved. It got serious. We rarely talked. Then I went to ATL and we saw each other out. We were both in limbo w/the "boos" so...you know how that turned out. Anyways...lemme get to the point...last new years he invited me to the A...mind you he's engaged...so I'm ALREADY set-up for failure. As I've stated b4 though. I don't do niggas w/gals. Like I'm not even the least bit attracted to that shit. I mean you know how they always talk about women who are SO attrcted to a nigga that's "off the market." Well not this one. Aint shit cool about fuckin a nigga you can't have whether you want to or not! That is whack as fuck and pretty gotdamn desperate if you ask me! Maybe I just think I'm haute shit. Yeah. Maybe. Humph.
So anyways went to the A for New Years right. Okay. Introduced me to his friends/bizness partners. MELIKEY! So I'm like HEY! No disrespect but you know...Imma do me! Well guess not if this bitch ass nigga is cock-blocking ALL fucking day & night! The hell?! He toting me around like I'm his armpiece and shit! "Oh lawd, help me, help me please!" That's what I was thinking but I remained cool! UNTIL this nigga hauls off & KISSES ME...ME...IN THE MOUTH...IN PUBLIC!!! I almost had a paroxysm in that hoe! "Oh JESUS, LAWD ON HIGH, WHY ME LAWD WHY ME?!" Lets get some shit straight. I don't like pub affection. No thanks. I kinda don't hardly like kissing. Bag up! Then this bitch not even my nigga "What in the holy hell are you doing sir?!" He talkin bout he "got caught up in the moment!" "Bitch you betta get up in that crazy bitch you just asked to marry you! Cus I aint the one...and that hoe has already tried me once! She might be crazy but I will get w/her crazy ass, if she gets wrong! Don't even...!" So anyways...night goes on...I got W A S T E D! So on the drive home...as we pull up to his house...he stops me like "Hold up, I really need to tell you something." I'm like "tell me in the house man! I have to relieve myself!" He's like "no, this can't wait...Shanette...I...I'm in love w/you.

Me:"29ue93ifajfjvhih9uf04Q3PRJFIEWJDJBFUSGW8yr30qrofeks/a*l.ojkl,9uhgn*YDvz9!!!" That's me actually having a conniption...so much so...that I vom'ed all in this man's G-wag! (HA) Poor wag! Naw but fa real. I did hurl. And I ran in the house. Hoped in the shower and jumped into bed...the guest bed, thanks! Not muttering a word. Next morning. Got my ass on the FIRST thing outta that hoe. Do ya hear me?! I don't fucking play around w/no gotdamn love shit man! I be scurred of that shit. Esp if I don't feel the same way...and I do NOT! He was callin, and calling, and calling, and texting and e-mailing! I was like "let it go brother, just let it go! I need time to even fig if Imma still be yo friend eva again in life!" That was January 1, 2007.

Fast Forward...September 21, 2007.

He calls. I don't answer.
He texts: "I'm in town, can I see you? Just a friendly dinner. Sushi?"
Aww damn...Sushi! My weakness!
I reply: "Aight. Coo. See you in a few."

He smelled yummy. Looked even better. DAYUM! Too bad I was looking the best! HA!
We ordered. Made small talk. The weather-lit. The current events. Football. Etc.
Got personal. How he & wifey are doing. Nope not married yet. He gave me an invite. I trashed it on the way out..."WHA?! I don't need that shit...I aint going! Why?! SO that bitch can be lookin @ me all sideways?! No fuckin thank you!" Its December 8th. He seemed excited. Weird. Anxious. I told him I wasn't coming but I'd send my gift. He said "I fig as much." I said "Good!" Then he asked about me and my life..."has anyone tamed you yet?" I said "Negative...next topic, thanks!" He laughged, nervously. Food came. We ate. Drank. I was a little tipsy. AS was he. *aww shit!* Here comes the Bullshit! He asked "why'd you run from me???" I said "wth did you expect me to do, say I love you back, kiss you and we make passionate love all night?!" He laughed, "No, but I @ least thought we could talk about it!" Me: "Why nigga, I was on like 12 shots of patron. I wasn't tryna talk about shit but them sheets homey!" Him: "Well you could've @ least let me explain. I wasn't tryna conquer you. I was just being honest!" Me: "Conquer me?! WTF am I a gotdamn quest?! Nigga please! I know you! And I know how much you like that nut basket bitch you marrying and I know you don't fucking love me...you might love HER (as in the girl between my legs-Ha! tHAT COMEBACK-toldja!) but, no you don't love ME! I ran for YO sake as well as mine!" Him: "Yeah, I know. I was so caught up! I really do think I love you, but I KNOW I love her (his nutty fiance')." Me: "Yeah I love you too...but I don't LOVE love you! I mean you know...you my nigga but you scurred the shit outta me w/that!" (Seems like errthing is going cool huh? Hold on...this is where shit takes a turn for the WORST!)Him: "So you never thought you were in love w/me?!" Me: "Hells fucking no! I know how to handle my emotions...I'm not a lil bitch...no pun intended!" Him: "I'm offended. I think you're lying. I don't believe you. It was more than just sex. It always was! Me: "Nigga iz you rollin or do you just WANT me to cuss yo ass out and hurt yo feelings?! 1st: the sex was NOT GREAT enuff for me to even get on that level of delusion. 2nd: you not even my type. 3rd: I fucked your friend homey!" That last one wasn't supposed to come out...blame it on the liquor. I could tell I struck a nerve. He started to twitch. The waiter came w/the ticket. He grabbed it and jetted towards the door. I looked around like "did this nigga just throw a fit?!" I checked my gloss. Retouched. Slipped on my shoe. Grabbed my purse & keys. Headed towards the door to find him outside crying like a BITCH! I laughed. "B, are you seriously crying homey?!" Him: "Shanette you are a horrible fucking person, you don't even know how much I care about you. I'd leave her (nutty fiance) for you, I'd give it all up for you (y'all should see my face). I just don't understand what a nigga has to do to be "dat nigga"!" I swear to god. I travelled outside of my body. Looked @ myself. Pointed & said bitch run for the hills. This nigga is nutz. "IS there a camera around?! Cus this shit is NOT real! WTH are you talkin about man?! I neva knew you was tryna be w/me like that. Hell. You aint neva say shit! Then you get a fiance' and I'm posed to be impressed cus you say you love me. Hell fuck no. Who do you think I am?! I aint none of these...blah blah blah!" He wigged out. Said fuck me. Hopped in his ride and jetted. I stood there in sheer and utter amazement. "WTF is this life I'm living?!" I thought to myself. *sighs* (I'm NOT that bad either, fuck him! He's a nut job! FA REAL!) Then he texted me this morning talkin bout "Sorry, he went off but I hurt him." I disregarded, honey...I aint got time for coo coo for cocoa puffs shit! GTFOH!
Man fuck these hoe ass niggas. I swear to god I was born into a generation of lying ass bitches and weak ass niggas! I'm better the fuck off A LONE shit! They all garbage! Niggas get a grip! Bitches get some dignity! I mean I'm jus saying. I'm sawry but I jus can't let niggas do whateva the fuck they want to me...hells no! I don't need y'all. Next thing I know. They'll be askn me some shit like be they serrogate mother, or counsel they marriage, or let me live w/you while we work shit out...you know? Some crazy Michael JAckson (Off the WAll) type shit! ...and I just can't do it! I swear to god! I can NOT!

...and on that note...I'm out...

Until we blog again...I'll be looking forward to October...@ least Fall's here! Thank God!

L8R homes!

~Sdotter!

I think I think too much...

2007-09-20T14:55:00.000-05:00

So when I orginally started this post I had like a whole lot to blog about...but...time passed and now that I actualy have time to type it...I have nothing...pretty crappy huh?!
Yeah, I think so too.

So. I'll just kinda make up some stuff about right now (9/20)...and see if anything comes back to me from several days ago when this post originated (9/16).

When I grow up I want a Whole Foods Market & Starbucks in my house...think that's feasible? (I'm @ Starbucks now...headed to Wild Oats<--knock off Whole Foods) Memphis doesn't have a Whole Foods...stupid Memphis!

I SO ♥s Seconds of Pleasure by Van Hunt.
"...life's little treasures."

I think I'm like the only person in the world who still listens to the group Playa...remember them...that Timbo, Ginuwine, Missy, Aaliyah clique...late 90s...Cheers 2 U?! Ringin any bells??? No?! Anh well! I ♥s them!

Okay so here's something boys should know...its 2007...girls like sex! We like it alot. We like it fast. We like it slow (well I kinda don't but you know...). We like it long-sex. We like it alot. We like it intense. We like it in the car. We like it in a bar. We like it alot. We like it w/syrup & butter...lol...okay not really, but that sounds fun, sticky, but fun. We like it in bed. We like it from behind (YES!). We like it alot. We like it w/no strings attached. We like just doing it & not talking about it. We like it everyday...lots of diff ways. We just like it...alot! We prolly like it more than you...@ least I know I do!
Sam(antha) I Am!

I screen ALL my damn phone calls. Shiiid! I don't be wanting to talk to nodamnbody!
Seriously. Not sure what that's about but I've been that way 4 like eva. I was neva one of those teens who was always on the phone. I was always online or reading a book or hanging w/my Mommy or Suder (awwww). I mean like The only people I actually like talking to on the phone like on a day to day is Krib-the BFF & "2nd chance" I can stand to talk to Nic-the crazy lady who bore my fav baby, like ever other day. Bets-my nigga, well she no like the phone either so no worries there. Besides we talk online & text all day. Sach-the LOML-maybe...sometimes...but we text ALL day...so no phone converse needed.
That's all though.

Boys, Boys, Boys, Boys...MeAdore...Boys, MedoAdore!
Until...they piss me off...then I be back in my fuck em girl mode.
I like em though. I like em alot (in an English accent...lol).
I like the way they feel. The way they touch...ME...that is.
I like the way they smell (Boom Chicka WAh WAH!-I don't actually like Axe though).
I like the way they tell...me...I'm the best!
I like the way they sound.
LOL! I like the way they pipe me down! HAHA!

Yeah I'm nasty! SO WHAT?! (I stole that from Nic)

Wanna know something?
K...here goes...
Up until recently I never faked orgasms.
Up until recently I never faked cumming.
(You guys do know there's a difference, right?)
I would just be like I mean "I came but it wasn't orgasmic."
Then Bets was like, "Hey Pops, that's not nice man, like you have to be a little more gentle, not so tuff man!" Me-"Bitch please!"
But no like really, hell I aint know. I mean I'm jus sayin. Don't ask me then. Or don't be looking @ me like how was it, cus Imma tell you.
OMGosh. I would have never thought I'd have to fake busting a nut<--is that too gross...sawry if it is...not really though.
Anywhoo...I got NO pleasure out of the act @ all! Are you fucking kidding me?!I was like "Oh Lawd, I repent Lawd, this aint even worth it!"

I swear I be lookin @ fat people like "Are you sure you wanna eat that?!" I mean I know that's not right or whatevs but hey, if I care, why don't you?!

Guess what, bitches! I'm Tall! 6 feet even to be exact (HAHA to all you short wannabe bitches)!

I swear I HATE when people ask (b/c I'm tall) if I play(ed)basketball or if I'm a model. I'm jus like "naw, but thanks, I guess." No. I really hate when people just stare & don't say shit! I mean. I'm like "PEOPLE! DO YOU KNOW THAT SHIT IS RUDE?! DO YOU KNOW?!" Okay, so maybe you're in awe. Maybe you're like "OMGosh she's TALL!" Wth fuck knows?! Cus see I'm in my mind & you're in yours. As smart as I am. I'm NOT a fucking mind reader...so stop staring bitches cus Idunno wtf y'all thinking in those rude little heads of yours! Ugh! I swear! Being tall is like the new haute shit (according to some white lady who came in Banana & saw me)-take that, take that(Puff Daddy)! Though I've been tall for like 23+ years now & the shit is pretty regular to me. The world is a trip aint it...well America...and according to the rest of the world we think we are THE world...but anywhoo...

I have serious issues w/people asking me questions...not sure why, though. I just know it literally pisses me off to like no end. I know that shit is crazy but I'm serious. I hate it. (Prolly why all my damn relationships fail...nay...its them!) I mostly have these issues during phone calls. I hate for people to call me and be like "Where are you?" (I'm thinking do want like exact intersections and shit?!) I'm like "Why gotdamnit! I'm where the fuck I'm @!" Oh NO! I REALLY hate "How long you gonna be?" Did you mufuckas know I AM a GROWN ass woman?! Did you?! Huh?! Well I am, shit! I think I kinda don't like "what you doing" either, but I know thats just too damn crazy so I'll let that one go. Questions I don't mind are...How are you? If you don't ask me how I am first. I am just automatically annoyed. I also don't mind "what did you eat today?", "how was your day?"...if that's weird...oh well damnit! Get over it!

Now this is something that drives me nutz but its SO crazy. Even I think its crazy. I HATE yawning & I HATE when other people yawn. I'm just like "dude that is the most random, dumbest shit ever...like seriously, wth is that shit about?!" Me no likey.

After I lost my virginity I wanted to have sex w/the boys I talked to while I was a virgin...lol...I didn't though. They be tryin and I be movin...right on roun! HA! Well cept for Jack ; ) he's special! "Hey Jack, where are you, you jerk!" I don't even think that nigga has an e-mail address! WTF does NOT have an e-mail address in 2007?! He still live in the New Jack City era-what's that the early 90s?!'Jack! You are seriously out of touch w/mufuckin reality, bruh! GIT!

I need to revisit & revise my game plan for getting out of Memphis...on today's agenda.

I can NOT wait until my b-day...not so much for the actual '24' part but for the celebration bitches! YEAYUH! Its goings D O W N in da H-TOWN...then off to NOLA! YAY!
If you see me in the streets...Udunno me!

I always wanted a nose ring but I HATE my nose. Been strongly considering rhinoplasty.
Used to have a tongue ring-btw. My BFF talked about me SO bad until I just took the bitch out...had it for like 2 years though.
*ahhh the life of the young, free, & uninhibited college student*

I miss NOLA!
I miss Mardi Gras. I miss Bourbon St. I miss la Madeleine's. I miss the Trolley Stop. I miss Robin's. I miss Slice. I miss the HOB. I miss the lake. I miss Raj. I miss Club Cameron-my house-where the party NEVA stopped. I miss the sno-ball stand. I miss the daiquiri shop. I miss Zimmers. I miss DU. *sighs*
Correction(9/21 @ 2:21 p.m.): The #1 reason I miss NOLA is Nic-the crazy lady who bore my fav baby, the Maddness, my #1!!! Oh how I ♥ them so! (Madd please don't grow up & be crazy like yo mama!)

I'm not having children. Ever. No. Thanks.

I'm going to write a book. In 2008. Will be finished by 2009. Out in 2010.

I'm getting a new job. Don't what kind. Don't know where. But I'm getting it. DASK is for the birds!

I'm getting some new jeans: R&Rs & TRs

I'm going back to school. Masters in English maybe? Thinking about fashion school. That sounds kinda "white-girlish" though. Think I wanna be buyer or something cool like that. Can I have cool job like Heidi on "The Hills"?! Huh God? I can?! YIPPEE!!!

This Biology degree sucks!I don;t even wanna be an MD anymore. Was thinking about a Masters in Biotech...then Law school. Patent Law maybe. But Iunno. Iunjusno.

What the hell do I wanna do w/my life?!
Jesus Christ, take the wheel cus this is drivin me NUTZ!

I'm moving by/b4 August 2008. D.C. maybe (though I've neva been). ATL maybe. STL maybe. Philly maybe. Who knows...but I'm gone come 8/08! Holla back M-town!

Think I don't have orgasms as much b/c I think too much during sex...lol...I don't make any noise...lol...Bets says that is some crazy shit! I mean what?! Okay. Fine! I'm working on it...but like for some reason that makes me lose focus when I start tryna incorporate sound...feels like I'm puttin on a gotdamn show!

I dislike phone sex. Only do it cus boys-haven't found a boy yet who doesn't-like it!
Dislike b/c I don't be wanting to say shit and Iun make noise and I need both my damn hands-tmi??? Sawry.

People get on my nerves. Like a lot. Heard I'm an asshole w/a bad attitude. Humph<--that's I say...and we ALL know what I say...GOES!

Thinking about givin in to "2nd chance". He offered...a uh...relationship. Okay wait nope. Not gonna do it...just typing it made me ill. Haven't been ab;e to tell anyone else about this yet...will tell Bets soon...scurred of her rxn. Here's a brief recap: 2C:"So I was thinking we should go ahead & stop bs'ing!" Me: Whatever do you mean?! I'm no bs'er! 2C: HA! No fa real. What you think? Me: Uhhh...I think...I need to think some more. 2C: Fine. But don't think too much! Me: Umph. I'll see what I can do.

I like somebody...he doesn't know though. Not "2nd chance" I'll prolly stop soon though. So I won't even bother tellin you who he is. He doesn't like sushi & he has an ugly name. The slightest/weirdest things turn me off...as you can read huh?
I know...I know. I be tryna do better but shit! *sighs*

Okay. I never did think of the stuff I was gonna blog about...so Imma jet...been in here (*bucks) far too long!

I need to read a book. As do you. Think Imma read...The Darkest Child by Dolores Phillips. Shouts out to clutch for keeping me on my shit! http://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/delores-phillips-author-of-the-darkest-child/

Did you guys know that I LUBS YE?! No like really! LUBS him to pieces! He ALWAYS knows jus what to say...I be like "DAYUM, homey that's how I'm feeling TOO!" Can't hardly not stand Cam'ron though (listening to Gone. Late Registration) He is so fucking WHACK...Ugh! Whack niggas...I swear I hate a whack nigga...I'm like Ye...all whack niggas should kill themselves...not really but you know...
Look @ us! I was SUPER excited too...lol...can't tell?! I'm kinda nonchalant. Sawry.
(...and yeah I was a blonde...for like a minute...literally...my hair fell out!)

OMGosh can y'all tell me wtf these folk moved Sex & the City from 11:05 to 1:05 AM-replaced it w/the Simpsons, then King of the Hill, then Jimmy Kimmel-like regular! I'm like "The fuck?! The Simpsons?!" ...and I like The Simpsons but not over SATC! If anyone, ANYONE would like to purchase me a b-day gift here's a thought: the SATC complete dvd set in the special lil case & all! OMGosh I'd be SO overjoyed! Like really!

Oh yeah. I'm wearing black today. In support of Jena 6.
"Racism's still alive...they just be concealing it!" ~Ye

Until we blog again...go check out eclectik-relaxation.com
My new fav spot to hang & catch a laugh. Hard to make me laugh so I be over there alot...find something gotta stick w/it...right? RigHT!
So anyways...its nodstalgic. its intriguing. its comical. its weird-my cup of tea. It kinda makes my day. Kinda.
Not to mention the author is a real piece of work-in a good way ; )
Though he ignores his commentators...boooooo!(j/k)

Did I forget to mention that I absolutely I HATE being ignored! Well, like I hate delayed responses! I mean why?! What's that about?! Just be like I'm busy right now or something...or be real short and I'll get the picture that yo dawg ass don't wanna talk, since you can't just say the shit! Niggas *rolls eyes*! (lol-that' what I do-btw-the real short thing-ha!)

Lemme tell you 1 more thing I hate...proofreading!!! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!
So if you see errors...I'll fix em later. When I feel like it. Hell you do it then! Well sthu, bitches! : D
*Update-fixed em & added some stuff*

BTW-I gave y'all SO much today! Pics and all!
WOWZER! "Can I get that handclap?!"

L8R Losers!

~Sdotter!