Thursday, November 29, 2007

I've sucCUMb...

...to the pressures that be.

Damn me.

I'm just so over the conversation.

TO be or not to be.

He says I'd never come around.

He says I'd never just say..."hey, today. Today's the day. I want to be..."

So I needed the pressure?

Maybe.

Yeah. No. I would not have ever said such.

So I guess...he's right...I think...

Either way here I am...here we are.

Being...together.

Guess we'll see what happens.

Until the happenings...do whatever...makes you happy...unless of course the pressures...make you better.

~Shanette

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

All I Want 4 Christmas...

Includes but not limited to the following:

1. These boots from 9West.

2. A leather jacket...that looks like this (which might be quite a task b/c this 1 is insanely haute!)...OR. You could just buy this 1...Mike & Chris $902 USD...I know I know...but its so fucking fly man!!!


3. Sex & the City complete collection.


4. 2 pairs of jeans...True Religions; R&Rs; and/or Acne Jeans (just send me the doe & I will choose the jeans....so no pics needed)

5. The new iPodtouch.


Stuff I just kinda need...
Some black & brown slacks...not like black and brown like a pair of black...a pair of brown. A black blazer. I don't particularly want a suit but hey feel free... Some black pumps...would prefer a chunky heel. Some cutesy pjs (V. Secrets having a sale). Some undies. A range rover. A condo (furnished). A flash drive. A printer. A black hoodie. Another coat w/a hood. Some blouses (black, another color). A black dress. A Starbucks gift card. An ankle boot. A day @ the spa. Think that about does it...for now.

***If you wanna get me something...it will be appreciated but if you get me one of those things up there...oohwee I gots a special lil 'thank you' for ya!***

Monday, November 26, 2007

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Oh the Holidays...they bring such a roller coaster of emotions & frankly I wanna get OFF! This is NOT what's hott off in these streets man. I just can't deal! I mean realized the other day...that "2nd chance" & I have cancelled out all the goodness we experienced initially b/c we've been so DOWN for like the past 2 months or so! Its amazing how if I go back & read the blog from several months ago hell it'll seem like I'm talkin about a totally diff guy! I mean in essence he is still the same...but somewhere along the way we experience a bump and now the traction is all OFF! I'm really tryna hang on man...but uh...I'm getting frustrated...w/myself...& that is UNACCEPTABLE!

So...here's the lastest...I texted him pre-STL...wait! You don't know what happened b4 that huh? Damn! I sho don't feel like telling you either! BASICALLY...we talked right b4 my b-day & the conversation was like so crazy to me. We discussed why I didn't want to be in a relationship (seriously b/c I don't wanna!) in depth ( he thinks its solely b/c the sex is bad...well...that's a BIG factor) & he talked about how he has issues w/me having sex w/other people (I don't...anymore...nt b/c of him...just cus). I was like "HUH?!" He was like yeah, so "that makes things awkward for me when we're together...in the sexual capacity." Is that not crazy??? I'm like "you have sex w/other girls right"...he's like "yeah"...I'm like "OHHHHHHKAY! WTH?!" He's like "they don't matter...you do." I'm like "my nigga please...you sounding extra crazy...absurd even." He's like "I just feel like you're the aggressor in that area, which is unusual. Is it not? (literally pauses, as if I was supposed to answer) SO, I feel pressured (he stole my phrase...such the thief!) to be...before we even knew each other well enough" I'm like man, "whatever..." Sounds like excuses & straight bullshit to me! So that was that...we didn't talk anymore until my b-day...he texted me some whack ass text..."Happy Birthday, Cookie. I want you...still." Me-->Blah. No reply. So anywhoo...since then we haven't chatted that much until...I texted him pre-Thanksgiving & I asked what he was doing for the holiday he replied "Jersey" I no replied...I mean what was the point...that was all I needed to know. You can't do shit for me in Jersey!

Now here's where the drama unfolds...I go out & guess who I see...yeah you guessed it...I see him! >:-O <--that's me shocked, appalled & PISSED! I made my presence known...he was surprised to see me...he tried to come over...I gave the COLDEST shoulder ever in life (as Bets would say cue the Rick James "She was cold as ice!")...lol...he was like "Uh. Okay. What's your problem?" I'm such a little girl...sometimes & I'm extra stubborn...I didn't say 1 word. I swear you would've thought he was talking to the air b/c he got no eye contact, no movement, no sound...nothing! He walked away. Texted me..."you are such a fucking jerk & I strongly dislike you when you do stupid ass shit like that. & If you disrespect me like that again...we will have a problem." Me-->Blah. No reply. Next day...I see him out during the day (what are the odds?!)...I skidaddle b4 making eye contact...or so I thought...he texted me...Iunno what it said...I no reply again...yes I'm an asshole & I don't mind. Anywhoo...next night...Out again...this time in a state of inebrieation (NOT good)...I approach this time leanin & shit...fly no less. My nigga was like "Get outta my face Shanette!" So here's a secret about me: I'm SUPER sensitive...always been that way so my feelings are hurt rather easily...though I rarely show it...when I'm in my right mind...well on Henn & shit...I was NOT in my right mind! I kinda clicked out. Oh lawd. Now we have a scene goings on here...not really but in his mind it was a scene (besides I'm not a scene making type girl...Imma drama queen but I'm NO fool!). His friends were like "bruh take her home." Lol! I was like "naw I'm good, I'm leaving how I came." So I went back to my respective area and he texted a few minutes l8r like "let me take you home & make you feel better!" Me-->Hmmmm, wonder what that means...I'm intrigued! So...yeah basically we left together.

Now here comes the SHOCKER...I know you not ready but ack like you are...the sex...was freaking AWESOME!!! OMGosh! I just kept thinking (lol) "is this 4real or am I dreaming?! No wait! Who are you?!" Woolawdie it was "WOW!" Man I was just so thoroughly amazed! I was SUPER excited! Then I was like..."Wait, no. Don't get excited! What if this is like a 1 time thing...like why all of a sudden is it just SO spectacular!?!" (Yeah I think too much...can't help it!) So I'm kinda figuring it was a combination of him being intoxicated & us fighting. All this fighting may have acted as an aphrodisiac.
What you think???
So here's the good. The bad. & the ugly.
Good: I know he can fuck (sorry to be so crass...but that's what I was thinking).
Bad: I don't know why after all this time and the undeniably BAD sex episodes, what made the sex GREAT...hence I can't repeat...meaning I don't know what ingredients are need to make certain that happens EVERY time!
Ugly: The sex was good enough to make me crazy. Like be one of those "dick will make you slap somebody" chick(courtesy of Lexy Tylor...she's the crazy truff...gotta love her!) all obsessed w/their bf (yeah I said "bf"...SO!). & yes that's ugly...b/c I aint NEVER EVER been that chick & don't NEVER wanna be THAT chick...so thought of it makes me nervous!
Its the combination of things...His extra fly look+His charming personality+His BIG ass bank account+His turning out to be 'bomb ass' dick=So Gone, like Monica! YIKERS!!! SCARY!!!

Me no no what to do now!
I'm afraid...very afraid!
Umph. We'll see what happens.
Oh oh oh...here's a 4 sure sign I'm trippin...after he took me back to my destination...I texted him like 5 minutes l8r to tell him how much I thoroughly enjoyed myself...I have NEVER in all my life done such a thing! If you know me or know the blog you know that I don't usually talk to a person after I have sex w/them for @ least 12-48 hrs...its just something I do...not purposely or anything. I just don't be wanting to talk...whether it was good or bad...doesn't matter...just some weird shit I do! (I'm not weird...just misunderstood!)

So yeah man...Iunno. Iun jus no.
I do know I'm impressed...NOT @ all an easy task. NOT @ ALL!!!
Got me daydreaming & shit...lol...I'm embarrassed.
I won't even tell my friends what has happened yet...scared I might slip up & say some crazy shit...like I'm doing right now...okay yeah I'm out...

L8R homes!

~Sdotter

Saturday, November 24, 2007

I've GOT IT!

I figured it out...well not really figured it out...I just found a comparison to my sexual experience w/ "2nd Chance"...the episodes of SATC when Carrie is dating Berger. They are like SO in sync...until...they have SEX...& it sux!!! Well that is us!!!

I was tryna find a youtube vid of Carrie & Berger but I can't seem to find it so...just watch an episode...btw I'm still waiting on that SATC collection...Christmas is coming up!!!

I don't know what to say or do about "2nd chance" anymore...this is getting bananas. We are getting worse by the encounter. *sighs* I'll try again...since it seems to be that I'm an asshole yet again.

Blah!

~S. Parks

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Listen UP-the loveH8r edition!

I'm just going to be honest, b/c that's the point of this whole thing, right? Right.
So...here goes....I miss him. I miss "2nd chance"! There I said it!
I'm saddened things turned out this way.
So NOT what I was expecting. Not really sure what I was expecting but this def was NOT it!
Sux. SUX! So bad!

I NEVER like anyone man (meaning I rarely find people I'm into=SUPER picky!)...so its not fair. Its not fair @ all! Fucked up thing is, I still don't fully understand what the dilemma is...oh wait that's right...I have sex w/other people, HUMPH! Dumbest shit you ever heard? Yeah me too! Now that pisses me off SO bad! I can't even delve into it right now...or @ all...ever...b/c I don't feel like it! I don't want to. It was the weirdest conversation I've ever had w/a guy & I think I just blocked the whole thing out.
Just know it sux & we are over (b4 we even began) for an ign'ant ass reason.
...as much as I like him...I'm not even sure where we could go after this...every thing's so...so...tainted.

I really think I'm obsessing over the fact that virtually he is the one who ended the situation. & So abruptly. Its like I had no warning. No prep time. No reconcile period. Just BOOM! "That's it. We're wrapped...indefinitely." That lack of control is making me really disgusted. I'm feeling something I can't describe. Some kind of anxiety when I think of him and the thoughts are becoming increasingly frequent. Forcing themselves into my mind. Reigniting old feelings. Recollecting memories. Ponder the 'what ifs'.
WTH?! WTH is this?! Idunno & I don't like it! So STOP IT...NOW!

Anyways...listening to Bilal...this song came on & I was like "DAMN!" How Bilal know just what to say?! b/c this song describes exactly how I am feeling/felt about a "relationship" w/"2nd chance"...nothing personal just life...my life.
Maybe that's the problem...I'm too self absorbed???
Ponder on that...while...yeah...here's the song.

Bilal
1st Born Second

Love Poems

Yo, I've been meaning to tell you something.
I guess, I was just waiting for the right time.
So, why don't you sit down.

As we step from across the room.
Starting to ponder what we've been going through.
What does my kiss mean to you?
Are we just friends?
Or is this more to you?

But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
Yes, that unexpected kiss.
The whole feeling that brought me to you.
Meanwhile my feelings grow.
Grow, feelings grow, grow.

But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
That unexpected kiss. The whole feeling that brought me to you, yes.
Why rush? Why chose? Why risk this thing?
And ruin me & you.
I want the lover & keep the friend.
I want to be near you & not pretend.

But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.
That unexpected kiss.
The feeling that brought me to you.
The whole thing's got me searching.

I find myself searching for love poems.
Don't know your soul, yet your presence on my brain.
Causes my pen to go insane and...I wrote these poems.

Your sight is few & far between.
Bringing my soul alive.
I find myself probing for love makers, love songs.
The love of the universe and my soul...
DAMN! What's up with my soul?!

Empty like theaters after encores.
Lonely like single mothers on the stew.
I am lonely and I find myself searching for love poems...

GROW....GROW....GROW.

I like you and all. I do.
But you see I...I can't be held down.
I need to live my life.
Too young. Too young. Got to be young.
Woah! Won't my feelings remain the same?

We could be friends, and do our thing.
Oh, can't you hear me out, yeah.
Explaining this whole thing.
Believe me...that if we label this just picture what we might lose.
That unexpected kiss that brought me to you.
But if we label this, just picture what we might lose.

BTW-WTF is Bilal?! Come on man its been 6 damn years!!!

Aight...That's enuff of that shit!
I'm outtie.
Niterz!

~Sdotter

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I'm a BOY DAMON!

HaHA! ChuckleChuckle!
Though this post has nothing to do w/Money Mike & Friday After Next.
Actually from Oprah, again.
Some doctor & his theory. On love & people's types.
Yep. Another quiz.
Yep. I took it.
Nope. I wasn't surprised. I guess.

You can read it for yourself and take the quiz...but basically I'm a "Director/Builder" (how he came up w/these names me no no).

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/11/12/o.love.types/index.html

Director-Specific activities in the testost... system are what distinguishes this type. (Go figure!) Then they try to make it better by saying this doesn't only apply to boys...girls can be this way too (ummmhumph). So anyways. I'm a decisive, tuff lil doggie (seriously). I am logical, detail-oriented, & bold in thinking. I don't hardly care about making new friends as opposed to doing a note-worthy job (very true). When preoccupied w/work or or personal goals I can appear aloof, cold & distant. My confidence can be mistaken for arrogance. My exactitude seems uncompromising. My forthrightedness seems rude. However w/my loyalty, dedication & eagerness to share ideas, I make a very GREAT friend (totally agree). I am also very protective of those I love (indeed). Now the Builder, is my secondary trait. Which is kinda off yet on. Calm-yes. People oriented-not so much. Social situations fun? Maybe. Like to network? Not so much, but will do it for the dough! Devouted-yes. Loyal-yes. Cautious but not fearful-very good. Not impulsive...w/money? Wrong! Actions? Usually. Feelings? DEFINITELY! Traditonal & moral-I'll buy that. Can sometimes be stoic, rigid & concrete...yep, yep & yep.

So basically...I'm an asshole who's a boy trapped inside of a girl. I don't give a damn bout folk Iunno. I love those I do. I'm narrow-minded. I have to be on top. I'm not easly excited. I'm not easily confused. I don't care if I hurt your feelings. I'm methodical & precise. Yet I'm loyal & devouted like a lil doggie!
Dang! I kinda sux! HAHA! Yeah right!
Hey, everything I'm NOT made me EVERYTHING I AM!
...HARDER, BETTER, FASTER & STRONGER!

Anyways...said ALL that to say...that's why "2nd chance" and I would have never worked. I'm not his kind of girl: Real sweet and timid. Nice and fun. Impressionable yet smart. That just aint me. Never was never will be. I mean hey, I don't mind. See...I'm only loyal to fam & friends. Niggas come & go. Like seriously, I don't love them hoes. They prolly gonna fuck up anyways...so I just be like whatevs. If that makes me "Anti-Cupid"? So be it. I'll be dat, like Redman! I don't mind @ all. There will be 3000 more "2nd chances" only they won't get a 2nd chance! No more 2nd chances from me buddy, either get wit or get lost!
Clearly "2nd chance" & I are SO OVER! I would tell you what happened but its SO ridiculous I won't even waste my time (I'm so lazy sometimes)...but yeah its been real & I had fun but that chapter is what? DONE! HOLLA!

& on that note I'm what? BLOWING! THIS BEEYOTCH!
L8R!

~Sdot

Friday, November 2, 2007

DeuxDeux+Deux

Sawry for the delay guys.
Its been a crazy last few weeks.
My birthday came quicker than I was expecting...which btw makes me nervous. Life is moving SO fast. I don't even think I wanna be 24 anymore. I was excited @ first but now...not so much. I feel the pressure to be...BE (like Common) better & together...and I have less than a year to get all that done...but I can & will get it done!
Maybe this is a good thing though...I need to push myself...like REALLY.
All the way out there. Handle my bizness. Get my shit together. Stop holding others accountable for my actions. Be responsible. Stop the complaints. Make good decisions. Take charge. Do me! Make ME happy. I'm very fortunate to have seen 24 years in ALl its ups & downs...I wouldn't change anything about it...why? b/c
everything I'm not...made me everything I am.
So what's the plan of action...stop talking and do. Stop trying and do. Stop being scared and just go for it.
DREAM...dream BIG! I saw Diddy tonight on The Big Idea & he said something really great..."close your eyes & dream. Open them & see." Basically close your eyes & visualize yourself doing whatever it is you would like to do...whoever it is you would like to be...having whatever it is you would like to have. Then open them & see what it takes to do. To be. To have. Our destiny is in our hands. I'm learning that.
For every action there is a reaction. So act accordingly.
I just said something real. Go back. Re-read. Ponder.
This is the epitome of what I'm saying..."You can still be who you wish you is. It ain't happened yet & that's what intuition is." ~Ye the Great!

So going to Houston. Ignited something in me. I was overtaken by the enormity. The vast opportunities. I'm like you people don't know how good you have it. This is a GREAT city. The possibilities are endless. I loved it. I had a great time. Now I'm in New Orleans...back to semi-reality...soon I'll be back in Memphis....REAL reality...blah...but I won't allow that to discourage me. I am taking control of the situation.
I VOW to no longer be residing in Memphis prior to my 25th birthday. Happy. Progressing. Living.
I am certain that all this shall come to pass simply b/c...God said so & what he says definitely GOES!
The end!

Here's some footage from my FANTABULOUS birthday...I made a speech but I can't fig out how to get it onto Top so...enjoy the pics...

Celebrating early in Memphis w/the fam.
Time 2 SHOP!!! YAY!
I SO ♥ this chair man!
I'm SO grown UP w/my Henny & cigar!
I'm SO haute, haUTE, HAUTE!!!
So anyways...I had an AWESOME birthday!
Thanks 2 everyone who made it as FAB as I am!

& On that not....I'm blowing...

Remember..."Trying=Failing w/honor" ~James Arthur Ray.
So don't try...DO!

Peace Out Little Grasshoppers!

~Shanette